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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to feed/water kids outside my house?

181 replies

tigercub50 · 13/08/2017 15:49

Kind of following on from DD having friends round but in this case, I mean when she is just playing out but one or two particular friends are outside our house. DD will ask for a drink/ice cream/ biscuit etc & I feel awkward only giving it to her but once you go down the road of feeding everyone it can become expected I guess. I felt mean with drinks as it's a hot day - DD was trying to convince me that her friend's Mum wouldn't let her have a drink at home! What do you all do?

OP posts:

BarbaraofSevillle · 15/08/2017 06:41

All the people taking the piss out of the OP are obviously fine for money

Indeed, we always get those sorts of comments on threads like these:

OP - AIBU not to provide snacks all day for the entire street - replies of YABU, so you would see a child go hungry, how mean/tight/miserly.

Or, AIBU to be annoyed, DH has eaten all the ham and cheese I bought for packed lunches for the week as a 'snack' - replies of stop being so controlling, starving the man in his own home, just go out and buy more food.

Some people are bottomless pits and some take the piss. OK to hand out a sensible amount of juice/biscuits but some kids will consume loads and then not want their dinner, or whatever. And many people don't have unlimited money to provide food for greedy people, and even if they do, why should they be the street snack bar?

PetalMettle · 15/08/2017 06:55

I've found this thread very educational. I only have a toddler so not in the playing out stage but when I was a kid there wouldn't be anything provided - you tended to play out on the same street so if you wanted something you went home!
Obviously different if you went round someone's house to play just 1 or 2 of you

PetalMettle · 15/08/2017 06:56

And so many kids have allergies these days I'd thought feeding randoms would be dangerous!

longestlurkerever · 15/08/2017 07:41

It's nothing to do with being mean - I'd only give snacks that I was confident their parents wouldn't mind them having unless they had effectively handed over responsibility to me. Same as I wouldn't just randomly feed a child my daughter had befriended at softplay or the park nor expect my daughter to be fed in these circumstances either. It's not a biggie, I can't say I'd never offer if it felt right at the time, it just wouldn't normally occur to me. Sharing food with people who need it is a totally different question and a red herring.

manicmij · 15/08/2017 13:56

Would offer a drink of water unless they had all been invited then probably give a biscuit too.

PumpkinSpiceEverything · 15/08/2017 14:14

I feed everyone who comes to my house if they want it. Just a courtesy/cultural thing I grew up with. i believe "hospitality" is a word a lot of you might want to look up.

drinkingtea · 15/08/2017 14:32

aspoon that child is a boarderline bully - I guess the silver lining is getting the opportunity to teach your child how to deal with people like that rather them encountering similar peer pressure/ bullying at school or when a bit older and getting pushed around and used.

Choccywoccyhooha · 15/08/2017 14:40

I offer food and drink to all children who are playing with mine, whether that's in our home, our garden, or when we meet up in the park. Everyone I know does. Seems odd not to.

Jux · 15/08/2017 14:44

Some people do need to eke out biscuits and drinks and ices though.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 15/08/2017 14:55

The biscuits and snacks thing might not be about the money though. Not everyone keeps an endless snack cupboard for the benefit of the neighbourhood. If you've only got half a pack of biscuits in the cupboard, you might not have enough for every child in the street!

Or in MNland am I supposed to keep an endless supply of biscuits just in case ?

Jg1 · 15/08/2017 15:03

PumpkinSpiceEverything

If you'd read the OP properly (and her later comments) you'd know that she wasn't talking about kids coming to her house. She's talking about up to 12 kids playing out in the street together.
You'd feed & water that lot on a regular basis? How very hospitable of you!

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/08/2017 15:27

I would generally only give water to all of them. Though I would have a hard time finding cups if there were a dozen of them. But I rarely give my children anything else to drink except at breakfast, if we drank squash I'd probably buy cheap squash and give them that, though with a dozen I'd probably limit it to one cup - then just water. Occasionally I might get in a cheap pack of ice pops or the like, or a packet of biscuits. But I wouldn't give them out for the asking, that would be a treat I'd take out and surprise them with.

As to whether to feed just DD - I'd base that on what other children did. If they ran off home and came back with a snack for themselves, then I'd follow suit. If they didn't I'd tell DD if she wanted a snack she could have x but she needed to finish it before she went back out.

momof5gmof2 · 15/08/2017 15:41

An important point is some kids might not be allowed to have certain foods, due to allergies, or even religious reasons. An example I had happen to me a few years back (unknowingly) was my son had a bunch of boys in our back garden (we have a treehouse, trampoline, firepit, big tire swing, picnic table, nice big area and the kids love it) and he brought out a plastic tub of candies (I used to buy them in bulk tubs when on sale). So I gave him one to share with the dozen or so boys in the back. Well I got an angry call from two of the moms because they were Muslim and the candies had gelatin in them, and that is a pig product and they are not allowed to consume them. I apologized to them and told them they need to tell their children what they are and are not allowed to have. The same thing could happen with allergies though, if some children are not aware what could be in a granola bar, etc too, so basic ice lolly's and juice/water is safer.

TheNoseyProject · 15/08/2017 15:46

Op you're fine. If you need s snack/drink you go home. I wouldn't want random people feeding my child crap I think your way is better.

Haudyerwheesht · 15/08/2017 15:51

This is why we buy ice pops - about £1 for 30 of them.

Everyone in our street feeds and waters whichever kids are there so it works out pretty even over all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2017 16:30

I really can't believe this thread... or maybe I can? Competitive parenting is absolutely right. So far we have posters saying that time spent with their own without myriad others for more than a few days is 'dull' and others prostrating themselves to be the first to get to the door, leaping out like a manic pied piper, waving jugs of posh squash and flipping biscuits at anybody who is randomly within pelting distance.

As for suggestions that you rush around 'being needed' so that you know your kids' friends when they're older and it will encourage them to come home... that's a bit tragic really.

... whilst the rest of us just behave 'normally' because we like to have a bit of peace and don't feel the urge to be needed and puppy-loved by all and sundry 24/7.

Mumsnet at its usual.

AnaPhase88 · 15/08/2017 16:38

OP- you are totally within your rights to send DD's friend home for refreshments and snacks.
This thread has made me think of when my brother (ten at the time) and his mates used to royally extract the urine.
During the summer holidays, gangs of lads used to come in and raid the cupboards. On one occasion, two cheeky sods went and to complain about the lack of suitable snacks. When my Mum suggested that they might find more appropriate refreshment at their own abode, the two lads said that they weren't allowed in the house during the day because their parrot was asleep.
Cheeky enough, but add to this the fact that my Mum at the time was doing night shift work and they had woken her up to voice their opinion!

Mucky1 · 15/08/2017 16:56

I buy cheap ice pops and Aldi brand kit Kats and crisps to give out to the masses lots of juice on tap for anyone that wants it. I would feel awful giving mine and not the others. My little ones are always getting similar small snacks from their friends houses I thought it was the norm.

ClarkWGriswold · 15/08/2017 17:18

I can't imagine why you would begrudge children a drink and a snack. Where I grew up rurally we just ate and drank at whoever's house we happened to be at that day. I have many great summer memories. I plan to be as relaxed with my DD's friends when they reach that stage.

BabychamSocialist · 15/08/2017 18:15

BarbaraofSeville

Christ alive, nobody is talking the way you're suggesting you are. All I was saying is that I grew up in a house with very little money, and yet the food we did have got shared around. Friends were the same.

My point was - OK, if you can only afford one bottle of squash, does it matter if you use it all to give to your kid's friends? Will it really be the end of your life if you can't afford squash until you next get paid? If I feed DS's friends I don't think "heavens, that's all the crisps gone until I go shopping next week, how will I survive?" I just think "Oh well, I'll do without them until I go shopping"

No, I'm not struggling for money, but I have been in the past. I wouldn't even dream of not feeding someone who played with my kids.

BabychamSocialist · 15/08/2017 18:18

we have a treehouse, trampoline, firepit, big tire swing, picnic table, nice big area and the kids love it

Do you also have a Mercedes, swimming pool and room for a pony?

Best humblebrag ever.

SharkBrilliant · 15/08/2017 18:24

Drinks yes, biscuits or ice cream no. You never know if a child is allergic to something or if their parents restrict certain foods.

One of my friends has brought her kids up vegan (rightly or wrongly) and would go fucking berserk if someone gave her dairy-free DCs an ice cream

StrawberryStarburst · 15/08/2017 18:26

I'm with the OP.

I would happily provide no end of water but snacks and squash wouldn't be a regular thing. I would probably buy a multipack of icelollies or biscuits once very occasionally to share out as a treat.

Especially if your DD has problems if she has too many snacks, if she came in and wanted an ice cream etc. but wanted some for everyone I would just say 'No, if you want one you can stay in for 15 mins and eat it in here and then go and play again after' - chances are she doesn't really want/need a snack and would prefer to keep on playing with friends.

Lolabridges · 15/08/2017 22:02

If a parent is concerned about what their child eats or drinks outside their own home, child should not be allowed out to play with those whose parents might contaminate them with verboten food and drink.

Simple isn't it.

Awful thread. Bringing out the worst in people. FGS it's Summer, nearly going back to school time. Were you never a kid yourselves or what?

Honestly.

Jg1 · 15/08/2017 23:17

But SharkBrilliant isn't it then up to the vegan child to know what it can/can't eat?

IMO if my child had special dietary requirements (he didn't, what a miracle!) I would (and always did) if I thought he would be playing outside long enough to be thirsty or hungry, send him off with a bottle of water/juice and a snack.

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