Not to feed/water kids outside my house?

[tigercub50]

Kind of following on from DD having friends round but in this case, I mean when she is just playing out but one or two particular friends are outside our house. DD will ask for a drink/ice cream/ biscuit etc & I feel awkward only giving it to her but once you go down the road of feeding everyone it can become expected I guess. I felt mean with drinks as it's a hot day - DD was trying to convince me that her friend's Mum wouldn't let her have a drink at home! What do you all do?

I think this is a bit odd. It costs almost nothing to do them a big jug of squash with ice and hand out some cheap ice lollies or biscuits. Why would you not?

Why wouldn't you give them water?
I can (sort of) understand no food or juice etc but water isn't a treat and you have it anyway.
I'd also be pretty annoyed if my kid was thirsty and wasn't allowed water.
I'd disagree about lollies etc being expected. You can make sure they know it's a one off and just because you give it you tjem occassionally you can tell them no in the future, like you do with your own child. But I appreciate giving a lolly is not the same as giving a glass of water.

I also went with the open house POV.

I'd buy lost cost juice and cheap biscuits, occasionally the multi packs of 5/10p crisps, as well as ice pops and I'd to make jam sandwiches as well.

It wasn't an area were people did play dates, we were really common and sometimes sat on the step, chatting.

I only give out water unless I've checked with parents. Not so much out of tightness but because I remember accidentally making my little sisters friend ill because friend had been like 'ooh i love mini cheddars, I've not had them for ages, can i have some?' so i just assumed it was ok and gave her a pack, assuming that if she knows she loves them she must be ok to eat them, nope, turns out the reason she'd not had them for ages was that she has mild allergies and it was one of the things the doctors had told her parents to cut out (because of eggs)

The parents were really nice about it but I felt so guilty for ages.

Jug of water, cheap biscuits, cheap or homemade lollies. DS(11) has gone feral this summer, making friends with kids from the other primary in our village that he will be going to high school with in September; riding bikes everywhere, building dens in the wood, having back garden camp outs. I suspect the gang do the rounds of all the parents at snack time.

I have said I didn't mean water!! I'm a lovely person & certainly wouldn't begrudge DD's friends. I was just interested to see where other people draw the line. Kind of wish I hadn't asked 😞

And there is the allergy thing - one of my friends DD is highly allergic & has to be so so careful

Water is the only drink on offer in our house, I would dump a load of plastic cups of water and a plate of biscuits out for them.

And the play date thing is more for when the friends are coming for lunch or tea & more for friends that don't live in our street

I'm not posh just cos I do play dates!

I always have a huge tin of cheap biscuits. I draw the line when I can't afford giving out. So to me that probably amounts to £2 or £3 a weekend of treats for the kids on our street. I know that my kids will be popular have great friendships and great memories. That's extremely small change compared to what I spend on myself. It's all relative. I'd rather not have an expensive hair cut or colour at £120 a pop plus and do my own home dying. It's only an issue if you can't afford it. If you can't don't feel bad.

Went to local playground and a family who were clearly in a different income league to us, offered my kids biscuits. We didn't know them. They were being friendly. They really looked like they could do with some new shoes and their clothes were threadbare. The mum said she was trying hard to get a job locally since moving into council housing. . They were incredibly generous. I really don't think they can afford it much to give out to strangers.it really changed my outlook after that. I thought how kind.

I would offer the same to the other children as mine would have. a few glasses of squash and some biscuits isn't going to break the bank surely.

If there wasn't enough biscuits in the house for everyone, then mine wouldn't be allowed them whilst friends were round.

Does she come in on her own asking for a treat and you say she can't have one? Or does she bring other kids in with her and you feel you can't give her a treat with them watching but not getting one?

I think I get what you mean about her going out to play and there being other kids on the street playing out as well. I assume they live on the street as well, or live nearby and are playing with someone else on the street. Kids who could just as easily go home for their own drink or snack or treat.

They're not her guests or on a playdate.

So in that case, why can't she come back in alone to get a drink or something to eat and go back out to rejoin the others again once she's had it?

You don't have to feed the whole street ice-creams. It's up to you if you let her take an extra one out to share with a particular friend if it's just the two of them playing together, but nobody would expect you to give ice-creams to everyone on the street whether your DD was playing with them or not.

If she's with two friends you can't really let her take an ice-cream for one and not the other, so maybe have a talk to her and tell her that you can't feed everybody so if she's playing with more than one person then only she gets an ice-cream from your house.

But make sure she's not picking and choosing and leaving one person out by the gate while she favours another. And make it clear that she can only share once each day, she's not to be bringing one in for a drink and another for a biscuit and a third for an ice-cream and a fourth for dinner.

Also, even with just water or cheap juice, if you have a constant stream of neighbourhood children coming in wanting drinks and snacks and the use of the toilet every day, when they could just as easily go home because they live over the road, that gets tiring. You still have a load of kids in the house and a lot of washing up to do after they've gone.

I also have to watch DD as she can get tummy probs from chronic constipation so sometimes I have to limit her snacking - she can use her friends being outside as an excuse to ask for a snack & it's then trickier for me to say no. That's a different thread tho really.

I feel like I'm running a cafe sometimes. I've now taught my ds not to ask for things in front of everyone.

OP if she's using being with friends as an excuse for a snack herself that might be easier if you turn that back on her.

DD: Can X and I have a snack?
OP: No, it's almost lunch time.
DD" But X is hungry.
OP: Then X can go over the road to her house to ask her Mum for a snack.
DD: X's mum said she can't have one.
OP: Then I can't give her one here if her Mum said she can't have one.
DD: But X's mum said she can have one here!
OP: If she can have one here, she can have one at home. It's almost your lunch time and I've said no.

If it's just after lunch, just say you're cutting down on snacks between meals, or don't have enough to share, or you're saving those snacks until after dinner or tea, or just that your DD can't have one yet because of her tummy problems and you're not going to give her friend a snack when she can't have one herself.

Talk to your DD first, and explain to her that all these snacks cost money and you can't afford to share them every day.

Then explain that if she keeps bringing her friends in because they want snacks, you'll explain to them that they'll have to go home to ask their own parents. And if she won't take no for an answer and keeps bringing them in, send them home and tell her she'll have to stay inside for a bit as you've already talked about this.

When I say you'll tell them to go home to ask their own parents, make sure they understand that you're expecting their parents to provide their own snack.

Otherwise you'll get one coming back saying "yes, my mum said I can have a biscuit" and they'll still be expecting you to hand it over.

"X if you want a biscuit you'll have to fetch one from your own house" and not "X ask your mum if you can have a biscuit."

Fucking hell mumsnet can be weird sometimes.

Why the hell would anyone be expected to feed and water all the kids playing out on the street?!

It's not miserly, I just wouldn't do it. They have their own homes to go to, and as soon as you start giving out snacks and pop and juice, they will hang around expecting it all the time.

Of course I would give a kid some water if they asked, and I would feed official play date kids over meal times, but every kid that happens to be playing near my house? No!

Fucking hell mumsnet can be weird sometimes.

Can't it just. Making such a big song and dance about giving a drink and a biscuit to a few kids.

Very weird indeed.

The problem is always with some kids and parents who take the piss. Some children root through cupboards and ask for food or just take it. Some will ask outright for something that is expensive or meant for a meal. Some parents will deliberately kick their kids out at lunchtime, knowing someone else will feed them.

Nobody minds feeding other children if they're there on a play date or if their parents reciprocate. But with kids in the street, you can end up with tons of them hanging around and some of them will try to take advantage.

Can't it just. Making such a big song and dance about giving a drink and a biscuit to a few kids.

If people want to be mugs and hand out all their snacks to random kids off the street, that's their call, I think it's ridiculous that anyone would expect it.

We are on a tight budget and I can't afford to go through fruits, packs of biscuits and crisps like that.

And I feed my own kids adequately, I don't expect other people to do it hurt because they happen to be playing nearby.

Competitive relaxed parenting. Keeping an an open house is a MN special, second only to 'chucking together a meal'. 

This!