To be really fucking fed up with people thinking I'm pregnant

[frieda909]

I'm 33 and slightly overweight. I'm tall-ish, 5 ft 8, and BMI 26 or so. I'm completely prepared for people to tell me this makes me disgusting and obese, but I consider myself reasonably fit (I can run a half marathon) and I have always been very muscular so I don't think I'm particularly huge.

However, people always seem to think I'm pregnant. At least once or twice a week someone will offer me a seat on the tube. I seem to naturally have quite a round belly and a pronounced curve in my spine, and no matter how much I adjust my posture or change my outfits it always seems to happen.

I was at a work do tonight wearing a nice cocktail dress and feeling quite good about myself, but then the very first person that I introduced myself to asked me when I was due I even had a large glass of wine in my hand FFS.

I then had to do the whole awkward 'oh I'm not actually, haha, but don't worry, I'm not offended' thing and practically fall over myself to reassure this person they hadn't upset me. I held it together for the rest of the night but I've just come home and burst into tears over the whole thing. And now I'm not only feeling fat and ugly, I'm also really annoyed with myself for getting so upset over the whole thing. Why does it matter so much if a random stranger thinks I look pregnant?

I should add that even when I've been a couple of stone lighter I've still had the pronounced belly, so I'm not even sure losing weight would be a miracle cure. I feel like these incidents have happened more and more since I reached my late 20s/early 30s, maybe because more people see that as an 'acceptable' age to be pregnant? I don't know.

I just feel really really shit right now

Whilst the comments aren't usually maliciously intentioned, they don't come from a place of innocence. A place of ignorant twattery more likely.

I'm really glad you've decided to check it out Frieda 😀, do come back and let us know how you get on, ( if you dare 😄), I'm sure you'll be fine.

Thank you! I certainly will.

I freaked myself out this afternoon reading about a woman who had to have a 20lb cyst removed Even her doctor was convinced that she was 8 months pregnant and that she must be in denial!

It's so strange to think that we even have space inside our bodies for something like that.

Definitely best to get checked!

Sympathies OP - I look six months pregnant if I eat big meals (especially bread-based ones like pizza so I end up just holding my stomach in, if I'm wearing anything tight.

The only good thing that can come out of these annoying encounters is if people learn never to assume any woman is pregnant!

Neutrogena as you've been talking on another thread about how you let your kids "run wild" in coffee shops (and risk of third degree burns be damned) I don't think you're in any position to lecture other people about their social skills, especially when the OP has literally said nothing remotely "nasty".

Thanks Swimming. And it's OK, I knew that someone would find some way of having a go at me about something. I did post in AIBU! I actually think I've got off pretty lightly.

I once posted something on another forum about my BMI and how I was a size 12-14, and I had people telling me I must be obese and that I should take a good look at myself before my obesity killed me

I get this all the time. I've got 2DD, youngest one is nearly 2. I find it extremely difficult to lose weight. Just last week I cut my food by half, was starving at night & exercised nearly 50 mins every night. I lost a grand total of 300grams! (but 1cm around my waist)

Don't apologise. Like someone said reply with a frosty "No Im not."

Last party I went to someone said the same thing & it really spoiled my evening. I sit with my belly out, more comfortable.

Ignore the losers. I think it's very rude to assume every person with a middle is pregnant. Be proud of yourself. You deserve it

Just agreeing that yoga or Pilates might help - can really straighten posture, makes a big difference 👍

Thanks Reebs. I'm annoyed with myself for letting it upset me so much! I have got to a point where I'm fairly comfortable with my figure after years of trying to be 'thin', and I actually lost about 10lb this year (and have kept it off). I feel like I've found my 'happy' weight and don't feel the urge to lose any more even though I know I'm not as slim as I once was (who is?!) But there's just something about being asked that question by a total stranger that just felt really humiliating. Especially as it was only about 10 minutes into the evening and I had to stay at the event for several hours afterwards. I spent the whole evening feeling really self conscious and fighting the urge to just go home and burn my outfit!

I was talking to a wonderful friend about it today though, a beautiful and supremely confident lady who I really admire and who is a few dress sizes bigger than me. She went into a big rant about how people can't see a 'tummy' without assuming pregnancy because we've been conditioned to believe that tummies should be flat unless there's the 'excuse' of a baby on the way, in which case you're invited to 'flaunt' your bump.

She said that this woman probably saw my figure-hugging dress and assumed that no one could possibly wear such a dress with just a plain old pot belly, and that I must therefore be pregnant or otherwise I would have kept my middle hidden safely away. She insisted that this says far more about the woman asking and her own perceptions of what she is 'allowed' to wear than it does about me.

I have no idea how true any of that is but it definitely made me feel better!

I HATE how much people think it is ok to comment on women's bodies. Happens all the time. And the thing you're talking about specifically is shit because it's about this prescribed idea about how a woman SHOULD look which is bollocks. I'm a size 10, BMI of about 24 and I have a belly too. I would need to plank everyday to get rid of it and I can't be arsed. Most people are the same. That's what women actually look like!
Incidentallly it was one of the worst things about being pregnant, the comments on my body. People feel like they have licence to comment and they don't. And it got worse after I had her - even seemingly positive comments I found so rude because it just tells me you're looking at my body and really there's no need.
Rant over. X

Just read your comment above - your friend is totally right. She sounds really cool, as does your partner, as do you X

I had this once, I was ttc dc2 at the time (it never happened, secondary infertility). Two friends were whispering and looking over at me at a toddler group, then one asked me if I was pregnant. I said "no, just fat" then cried in the loos. Made me feel really shitty. Sorry you've been made to feel like this too, think your friend sounds ace though!

I haven't managed to read through the whole thread, so this may have been said.

BMI isn't a great indicator of how healthy/unhealthy someone is. Someone who is muscular like OP said she is, will have a high BMI. It doesn't mean you actually are over weight (my BMI is 25.5 which means I'm over weight, but I have something like 9% body fat).

I also agree with some of the other comments about the unrealistic expectations that are put on women and the way they look. If a man developed moobs and a beer belly, he is given credit for having a 'dadbod' and he can then wear tight T-shirts and skinny jeans and it's all okay. If a woman does this they tend to get negative comments and an expectation that they should cover up their imperfections.

Not to mention, dads don't actually carry children so don't really have an excuse or a reason to be proud of the beer belly. It's pretty much just laziness.

I remember having that said to me years ago when I was having fertility tests, a man I didn't know at church asked me, 'When is it due?' It really upset me at the time. People do need to be careful of what they say, as it's possible to really cause offence.

I only look pregnant when I eat foods containing yeast, otherwise I have a lovely flat tummy.

I see fibroids have been mentioned. In my late 20s I was very slim but developed a bit of a tum slowly so that I didn't really notice. Ex-in-laws and I were at a charity do and someone came up and congratulated us on our forthcoming happy event. We couldn't have children so my ex was really upset. Anyway, it was a wake-up call. A visit to the Dr and subsequent tests revealed an ovarian cyst and no less than 3 orange-sized fibroids. No symptoms whatsoever. Definitely have that check-in OP.

Ex-husband fgs!

A gentlemen from work did this to me at the coffee machine recently. He asked me if I knew what I was having yet. I was that taken aback I said no & scuttled back to my desk. My daughters 2.5 & I'm not pregnant. Just fat.

Thanks, everyone! I do indeed have some brilliant people in my life and I need to learn to enjoy that instead of beating myself up over a silly comment by a random stranger with clearly terrible social skills! My mum always tells me I'm too hard on myself and she's probably right.

I do think I'm slightly overweight or at least a good stone or two away from what anyone would consider remotely 'slim', but I'm certainly not fat. Not that it matters what size I am!

Witty that's very true about the BMI thing. In my younger years I was a competitive swimmer and martial artist, and I had a brief stint representing my school in the discus event at athletics competitions. So I've definitely always been pretty muscular. I once did Weight Watchers and got down to 10 stone (I'm 12.5 stone now) and I had concerned people telling me I looked 'too skinny' (which, looking back at photos I think I probably did). But then I have a friend who's taller than me but barely has a scrap of muscle on her, and she knows she's overindulged for a while if she ever hits 9.5 stone! So everyone really is different and I know you can take BMI as the last word in who's overweight or not.

Ugh, I know you can't take BMI as the last word. Shouldn't drink and Mumsnet! I'm off to enjoy my wine now, have lovely evenings one and all!

Years ago I was around 19/20 and in M and S just after Christmas taking something back to customer services.

The queue was huge and the lady behind me started to strike up conversation.
She asked me when I was due- I was that shocked I blurted out the first thing that came in my head and i said "November" which was ELEVEN months away

She didn't say another word but I couldn't wait to get out of the shop.

I'm sorry to hear you're finding this upsetting 😔.
I once made a huge faux par... I asked a lady I was serving at work when she was due. Her reply was 'actually I've just had a hysterectomy '. She was still bloated from the gas they use at the hospital. I have never ever asked again 🙄

Anyone thinking of going to the GP about a pronounced belly (particularly those who think it may be affected by what they eat) also consider asking for a blood test for coeliac disease. Www.isitcoeliacdisease.org.uk

I was the idiot that asked the question. It really is horrible because you know you are hurting the person's feelings but you can't take it back. Why mention it then? Because it can be as rude to ignore the fact that a woman can be pregnant.

In my case, it was the mum of a friend of my DD who went to the same school. I'd known her for about 5 years, not well enough to know the detail of her personal life but enough to talk about our children an general chit chat. She had always been slim, but recently seemed to have been putting weight on. For a few months, I debated whether she might indeed be pregnant or not, until that one day, when she seemed to have gone definitely bigger again around the waist. We were at a party and we found ourselves, just her and I and the kids in the elevator so natural to make chit chat and at that point, I thought that she would think that I was rude if I didn't ask about her pregnancy if indeed she was so.... so I took the risk thinking the odds were much higher that she was... and got it wrong. Very awkward situation waiting for the door to open when she said she wasn't.

I felt even worse when the following months, I saw her shred the weight and realised that it was probably my words that prompted her to go on a diet after feeling humiliated and hurt.

Thankfully, a year later, looking really slim, she told me that even thought it had been a very tough moment when I'd said the words, she couldn't think me enough because she couldn't ignore the fact she'd put on much weight any longer and she now felt fabulous.

I don't doubt that it felt much worse for her than I, but I still would have given anything to take the words back!