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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really fucking fed up with people thinking I'm pregnant

136 replies

frieda909 · 10/08/2017 23:26

I'm 33 and slightly overweight. I'm tall-ish, 5 ft 8, and BMI 26 or so. I'm completely prepared for people to tell me this makes me disgusting and obese, but I consider myself reasonably fit (I can run a half marathon) and I have always been very muscular so I don't think I'm particularly huge.

However, people always seem to think I'm pregnant. At least once or twice a week someone will offer me a seat on the tube. I seem to naturally have quite a round belly and a pronounced curve in my spine, and no matter how much I adjust my posture or change my outfits it always seems to happen.

I was at a work do tonight wearing a nice cocktail dress and feeling quite good about myself, but then the very first person that I introduced myself to asked me when I was due Sad I even had a large glass of wine in my hand FFS.

I then had to do the whole awkward 'oh I'm not actually, haha, but don't worry, I'm not offended' thing and practically fall over myself to reassure this person they hadn't upset me. I held it together for the rest of the night but I've just come home and burst into tears over the whole thing. And now I'm not only feeling fat and ugly, I'm also really annoyed with myself for getting so upset over the whole thing. Why does it matter so much if a random stranger thinks I look pregnant?

I should add that even when I've been a couple of stone lighter I've still had the pronounced belly, so I'm not even sure losing weight would be a miracle cure. I feel like these incidents have happened more and more since I reached my late 20s/early 30s, maybe because more people see that as an 'acceptable' age to be pregnant? I don't know.

I just feel really really shit right now Sad

OP posts:
theotherendofthesockportal · 11/08/2017 09:20

I'm an apple shape so permanently look pregnant, even back in the days when I was at the so called perfect weight for my height.

I have learnt how to dress my apple belly, there is good information on wiki how for this. With the right clothes you can minimise the look of your belly.

At the moment I am 6 months pregnant and I am embracing my large tummy for the first time ever.

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 09:22

My posture is good I think. I'm always very conscious of it and making little adjustments, but a belly's a belly. There's only so much I can do! I don't have scoliosis, just a slightly more curved spine than usual.

I can't stand yoga but I do quite like Pilates, so maybe I should start doing that more regularly. I also have a gym instructor who is very big on core strength, making us do lots of planks and deadlifts etc. I haven't been for a few weeks so maybe if I get back on it I'll feel a bit better.

The tube thing is weird. My friend said that when she was 8 months pregnant and wearing a Baby on Board badge she still almost never got offered a seat unless she asked first. I guess I must have particularly considerate commuters on my route to work! Seriously, at least once a week. I'm not exaggerating.

I'm feeling a bit better this morning and embarrassed for getting so upset last night (the wine probably didn't help!) I honestly wouldn't care if people just thought I was fat, but the pregnancy thing just feels so awkward and embarrassing somehow. Knowing that someone has looked at your body, made a judgement and then chosen to say something. It makes me feel like my body must be such a weird shape to make people think it's ok to ask me that! But I know that's not necessarily the case and I shouldn't get so worked up about it.

I was talking to my partner this morning and he said you never know what's going through people's minds. Maybe the person asking is currently TTC and just has babies on the brain! Which made me feel slightly better.

OP posts:
Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 09:27

Thanks Bendydick, I'll look into that!

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 11/08/2017 09:30

OP - people are being kind and you're being nasty about them. That's not on.

I think you're hacked off with your body shape, not people being kind.

The power is in your own hands to either lose weight, wear different clothes, or smoke (pregnant women don't smoke).

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 09:32

OP - people are being kind and you're being nasty about them. That's not on.

What? Confused Where have I said anything nasty?

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 11/08/2017 09:33

What? confused Where have I said anything nasty?

How you're 'fucked off' with people being nice. That's nasty.

AssassinatedBeauty · 11/08/2017 09:34

People are not being kind by asking if she's pregnant. They're being too personal and rude to ask. The assumption should be that if someone wants you to know that they're pregnant then they'll tell you. Never ask!

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 09:35

How you're 'fucked off' with people being nice. That's nasty.

I've just read back through every one of my posts and I have literally never said that once Confused

OP posts:
RockyBird · 11/08/2017 09:37

I've always had a belly. When I was younger it was actually worse when I was underweight as it made my tummy seem bigger.

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 09:43

People are not being kind by asking if she's pregnant. They're being too personal and rude to ask.

Thank you Assassinated. I have to agree that there's something a little rude about asking something like that when you've never even laid eyes on the person before. I mean, the conversation last night literally went:

"Hi, I'm Frieda, I work at blah blah"

"Hi, I'm Mary from blah. So, when are you due?"

Even if I were pregnant I think that would have taken me slightly by surprise! Maybe we could have a little more small talk before we move on to discussing the inner workings of my uterus? Grin

OP posts:
Ginmakesitallok · 11/08/2017 09:46

I get this quite a bit. The worst was an arse of a woman who offered her congratulations and asked when I was due. I told her I wasn't pregnant. She looked straight at my tummy and asked "Are you sure??"

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/08/2017 09:50

Hi Frieda, why don't you make yourself an appointment, to see your GP, just to be sure that there isn't anything underlying. 😄

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 09:50

Oh god Gin that's awful! I like to think that I'd come up with a witty response including a graphic description of my most recent period, but in reality I think I'd just mutter and look awkward and shuffle off!

When I got home last night and told my partner about what had happened, his first response was 'well maybe you should be pregnant' Shock Apparently he saw a really cute little girl on the tube yesterday and it made him all broody. We definitely want kids but we're just not quite 'there' yet. Would be rather funny if last night's conversation was the thing that inspired us to start trying! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 09:59

Thanks sugarpie, maybe I will. Although it just feels so silly and I'm sure they'll just tell me to lose weight! Guess it can't hurt to ask though.

One thing I didn't mention before is that I have a sister who's close to my age and a very similar shape, just a stone or so lighter. She's incredibly fit and healthy but she also has the same problem sometimes, and I actually think it bothers her even more than me. So I've always just assumed it was the natural shape for women in our family.

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 11/08/2017 10:06

People are not being kind by asking if she's pregnant. They're being too personal and rude to ask. The assumption should be that if someone wants you to know that they're pregnant then they'll tell you. Never ask!

It IS kind to offer a seat to a pregnant woman or someone who looks like they need it.
Yes, there is an assumption there but it's still a good act.

There are so many examples on MN of pregnant women saying "I really wanted to sit down but no-one offered me a seat and I was too shy to ask"

AssassinatedBeauty · 11/08/2017 10:11

I'm talking about the people who ask directly, not who offer seats.

Offering seats is fine, as long as no assumptions are stated. It is annoying if you can guess that it's because people think you're pregnant though, but they're not being rude or over personal just by offering a seat.

Fifthtimelucky · 11/08/2017 10:13

I commute into London and often sit next to a friend. It's a busy line and 3 or 4 stops after ours, there are always people standing, which will mean having to stand for at least 30 minutes. The train starts at our station so we always get seats. At least once a week we have the "do you think she's pregnant?" conversation, or just give each meaningful looks if we think there is a chance of being overheard.

The baby on board badges are a great help, and we always offer our seats to anyone wearing one or to anyone who is obviously very pregnant. Otherwise we tend to exercise caution. That's partly for fear of offending and partly because we are both in our mid 50s and I am overweight so frankly wouldn't want to give up my seat to someone who had less need of it than I had.

I wouldn't dream of making a personal comment to a stranger about their pregnancy unless I was absolutely sure that they were pregnant. It happened to me once and, like the OP, I was very upset.

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 10:14

It IS kind to offer a seat to a pregnant woman or someone who looks like they need it.
Yes, there is an assumption there but it's still a good act.

Yes! I completely agree. At no point have I been nasty about any of those people and I find it odd that you think I have.

I've said I'm fed up with being mistaken for a pregnant woman but at no point have I said people are at fault for offering me seats. It's very much my own issue!

OP posts:
BendydickCuminsnatch · 11/08/2017 10:26

No probs freida! I also have a personal trainer, but the MuTu thing is v different to what she offers.

Also don't see where you've been rude Confused

Genghi · 11/08/2017 10:26

Not sure what the problem is in people assuming you're pregnant. You just tell them you aren't and move on.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 11/08/2017 10:35

You just tell them you aren't and move on. Others may burst into tears. It's a wide spectrum, ins't it. We're not all the same.

Genghi · 11/08/2017 10:39

@BendydickCuminsnatch - bursting into tears just because someone makes an assumption you're pregnant? Who does that in real life?

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 10:39

Genghi

Me, evidently!

OP posts:
SillyLittleBiscuit · 11/08/2017 10:46

Apple shaped with massive boobs and I've been offered a seat more times than I'd have liked. Add to that the fact I'm 41, never been pregnant and never likely to be it really bloody stings!

BadPolicy · 11/08/2017 11:06

I've had it a few times recently, I agree it's because I'm now an age where I 'should' be having babies.

My BMI is similar to yours OP and I'd guess were a similar shape. I've tried to watch what I'm eating a bit, and started drinking only water. My belly has gone down considerably , even though my weight hasn't. I think there was an element of bloating.