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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really fucking fed up with people thinking I'm pregnant

136 replies

frieda909 · 10/08/2017 23:26

I'm 33 and slightly overweight. I'm tall-ish, 5 ft 8, and BMI 26 or so. I'm completely prepared for people to tell me this makes me disgusting and obese, but I consider myself reasonably fit (I can run a half marathon) and I have always been very muscular so I don't think I'm particularly huge.

However, people always seem to think I'm pregnant. At least once or twice a week someone will offer me a seat on the tube. I seem to naturally have quite a round belly and a pronounced curve in my spine, and no matter how much I adjust my posture or change my outfits it always seems to happen.

I was at a work do tonight wearing a nice cocktail dress and feeling quite good about myself, but then the very first person that I introduced myself to asked me when I was due Sad I even had a large glass of wine in my hand FFS.

I then had to do the whole awkward 'oh I'm not actually, haha, but don't worry, I'm not offended' thing and practically fall over myself to reassure this person they hadn't upset me. I held it together for the rest of the night but I've just come home and burst into tears over the whole thing. And now I'm not only feeling fat and ugly, I'm also really annoyed with myself for getting so upset over the whole thing. Why does it matter so much if a random stranger thinks I look pregnant?

I should add that even when I've been a couple of stone lighter I've still had the pronounced belly, so I'm not even sure losing weight would be a miracle cure. I feel like these incidents have happened more and more since I reached my late 20s/early 30s, maybe because more people see that as an 'acceptable' age to be pregnant? I don't know.

I just feel really really shit right now Sad

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 11/08/2017 11:06

Not sure what the problem is in people assuming you're pregnant. You just tell them you aren't and move on

I'm sure if you try hard enough you can imagine why there might be a problem. People who can't get pregnant, people who just had a miscarriage, people who are pregnant but don't want to be, people who are a bit fat and paranoid about it, people who aren't fat but are now worried they must be if others think they look pregnant, people hitting menopause and losing fertility, private people who don't like being asked.....I'm sure there are many more.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 11/08/2017 11:07

@BendydickCuminsnatch - bursting into tears just because someone makes an assumption you're pregnant? Who does that in real life?

Yep, me too. You're not very compassionate, are you?

BendydickCuminsnatch · 11/08/2017 11:09

Ghengi Someone who has struggled with their weight before? Someone with body confidence issues? Someone who has struggled to conceive? Shouldn't be too hard to imagine.

MarklahMarklah · 11/08/2017 11:22

Had similar with our local Big Issue seller. Every time I saw her she'd look at my (rather flabby) belly and ask 'Are you pregnant?'
I'm in my very late 40's and have one DC (who I had late in life).
I'd politely reply, 'No, I'm just fat', but seriously every time I saw her she'd say the same thing.

One day I snapped. I said that it was rather rude to ask a woman if she was pregnant unless a baby was coming out of her at the time. I told her that I was too old to have a baby, that I have fibroids and IBS which bloat me, and that my posture was bad. I told her about a friend of mine who has had mulitple miscarriages and gets asked if she is pregnant (she has a bit of a tummy too), and also about a former colleague with terminal cancer who had a stomach tumour.
Since then she's not said more than two words to me.

Genghi · 11/08/2017 11:40

I am infertile. Have yet to burst into tears because someone thought I was pregnant (have a bit of a pronounced lower belly due to the way my hipbones sit). I have also struggled with my weight but have never assumed that someone thinking you're pregnant is a commentary on my weight. It's just someone thinking I'm pregnant!

People have to be more resilient. OP you need to be more resilient. shouldn't care about what someone thinks. Just ignore them.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 11/08/2017 11:45

Oh, just be more resilient? It's that simple? Gosh, if only you'd said before, I wouldn't have dreamed of crying after my 5th miscarriage when someone asked me when the baby was due.

Thanks so much for the advice!

Hmm
GodIsDead · 11/08/2017 11:46

I made this mistake once when I was a bit drunk and I still cringe when I think about it now. You should definitely stop pretending like you're not offended. Make it awkward as fuck and they'll never make that mistake again. Obviously it won't help you but it might make you feel better.
Regarding the stomach, try Spanx. But don't mess around with some knockoff cheap shit, buy genuine Spanx. Problem solved.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 11/08/2017 11:46

As I said before, not everyone is the same as you Genghi. Not that hard to understand?

Genghi · 11/08/2017 11:48

@notevernotnevernotnohow. Someone seeing your belly has no idea you've had a miscarriage in the same way that someone who looks at my belly has no idea I've been ttc for years. They just make an assumption and do it from a place of innocence. Shouldn't be taking anything that's said personally. End of.

Genghi · 11/08/2017 11:51

@BendydickCuminsnatch - bursting into tears because of a comment like this, suggest input from people like me is needed. I am happier for not letting other people's opinions affect my mood or happiness - just sharing the method to it. Do with the tool as you will.

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 11:51

OP you need to be more resilient. shouldn't care about what someone thinks. Just ignore them.

You may be right, but it's easier said than done isn't it? If something upsets you, it upsets you. You can't always help how you feel.

You'd never have known I was upset at the time. We laughed it off and then carried on chatting about something else. Anyone watching probably would have thought I was terribly thick-skinned and comfortable with my figure.

It was only once I got home that I crumbled and felt like shit.

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 11/08/2017 11:52

They have no idea you haven't either and shouldn't assume. Or should at least keep their assumptions to themselves. It's not innocence, it's ignorance.

And don't tell other people what way they should take anything. What you feel is up to you, you have no business telling others how to feel.

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 12:01

It's not really a 'tool' though is it, Genghi? You're just saying that I should feel differently about something. If it was as simple as 'just don't get upset' then I wouldn't have felt the need to even start this thread.

Thank you for your advice, though. Being more resilient is never a bad thing. It just comes more easily to some than others and I've always been a sensitive soul. Not helped by a past abusive relationship where my weight was often commented on.

notevernotnevernotnohow. I agree with you. I'd never comment if I wasn't sure, purely based on a total stranger's figure, because I have no idea if they're happily pregnant, pregnant but keeping it a secret, just had a miscarriage or a still birth, not pregnant but desperate to conceive, and so on. Or they could just be... not pregnant. Plus if it's a total stranger then their pregnancy (or lack thereof) really isn't my business anyway.

OP posts:
nowwheredidmyunicorngo · 11/08/2017 12:07

I agree with PP in that I could be sitting next to a woman at full term, and I wouldn't mention it unless and until she did. And then I would just say congratulations, how lovely. So rude to comment on bodies.

I know a lady in her late forties who looks 100% pregnant but is not. She has fibroids.

Sorry Op, people can be so insensitive.

Everytimeref · 11/08/2017 12:22

My stomach is constantly bloated and we jokingly call my "bump" Baby Windy Miller. Mine is caused by IBS and is worse if I put on weight. I can control it if I follow the FODMAP diet but it's hard going.

MikeUniformMike · 11/08/2017 12:31

A friend who is short and definitely not overweight got asked if she was pregnant regularly. They were ttc at the time and it wasn't pleasant for her.

MikeUniformMike · 11/08/2017 12:33

I mean the unwelcome comments and the not conceiving were not pleasant.

DopeyDazy · 11/08/2017 12:38

You're not an Avon lady are you because I said pretty much the same to ours and she said 'Im not' and hasnt been back since

Bluepansies · 11/08/2017 12:41

I had this (a pronounced pregnant-looking little belly) even when I was very slim and it turned out I had a 5lb ovarian cyst. No symptoms until it twisted round my Fallopian tube and needed surgery. Maybe see your gp and ask to be scanned?

BendydickCuminsnatch · 11/08/2017 12:49

I personally am very resilient thanks Gengs. You are not the authority on how people feel though. Nowt wrong with having feelings! :)

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 13:15

Dopey haha nope, not an Avon lady. It's not an ideal situation but we've all put our foot in it a few times before I'm sure!

OP posts:
Springersprung · 11/08/2017 13:16

Wow Genghi, we all bow down to your emotional strength and resilience! However, when I returned to teaching 3 weeks after my miscarriage and a little girl said "You're going to have a baby soon because you've got a big tummy," I did burst into tears, and would be surprised if anyone actually thought that was strange.

Much like the OP, no matter what my weight has been, I've always had a sticking out belly and felt sensitive about it. I exercise regularly and do lots of core work, but it makes no difference.

I understand that people don't mean to offend, but I also think that people who ask without knowing anything about me would be a bit shocked if I was to reply with "no, I had a miscarriage" which us how I've resolved to reply next time. It's just not an appropriate question to ask a stranger

Tazerface · 11/08/2017 13:21

I'm proper fat and do look pregnant and have only once had someone make a comment that you seem to get all the time. I think she was a bit dim though, I was carrying newborn DS3 and my 'belly' was actually his little bum in the sling Grin

If you have quite a prominent belly, it might be worth seeing a doctor. You're not fat at all at 26 BMI, and the reason I say this is because my mum lost quite a bit of weight but couldn't get her belly to shrink. She thought it was totally normal. She actually had a cyst the size of a grapefruit in her uterus! It became a lot more prominent and pregnancy-looking as she slimmed down. She never got the comments though as she was over 50 so unlikely Wink

Original poster
frieda909 · 11/08/2017 13:30

OK, all these comments have convinced me to go see my GP! The worst they can do is tell me I need to lose weight, which I can handle (I do have some resilience Grin)

I do feel like my tummy has always been quite round but it feels like could be getting worse, and the fact that these pregnancy comments seem to be happening more and more suggests that I might not be imagining it!

OP posts:
PugOnToast · 11/08/2017 13:59

I get this. The worst occasion was when I said "no just fat.....hahahahahaha" the MAN asked why had I put on weight as I had looked so nice before I did. AngryAngryAngry

I was so upset. It was in front of lots of other people. I shrugged it off but I went home and cried so much. It wasn't someone I am close to or even friendly with. Just an acquaintance