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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this mum in the coffee shop

826 replies

Sallygoroundthemoon · 10/08/2017 11:54

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

OP posts:
Mothervulva · 10/08/2017 13:20

I take the risk if they get scolded by a drink. That's my responsibility, I agree, but a risk I am willing to take on their behalf

?!?!?!

SteppingOnToes · 10/08/2017 13:22

*Neutrogena Children are children - running, screaming, etc are part of their makeup.
They don't always do that, but sometimes.

I take the risk if they get scolded by a drink. That's my responsibility, I agree, but a risk I am willing to take on their behalf.

I think we need to agree to disagree. [shakes hand of dolly]*

Oh you're one of 'those' parents? You do know you piss the whole bloody world off right?

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 13:22

thirtyplusone
Almost all coffee shops are not the place for loud play, running around, loud story telling, loud singing.

It's perfectly reasonable to take children to non-'child friendly' coffee shops. Many of my friends do. They read stories, get colouring books out, maybe a couple of toys on the table to keep the kids entertained. It's all fine and nobody bats an eyelid because it's reasonable family noise and in keeping with coffee shop chatter.

The issue is the noise. If someone wants to be loud, then don't go to coffee shops. Go to a playgroup, or a toddler group or a soft play or a cafe that's geared up for entertaining children.

FanDabbyFloozy · 10/08/2017 13:23

In my day, every kid played with stickers on cafes so the poor parents could flick through yesterday's Sun left there.
At the risk of sounding ancient, can't parents just insist they entertain themselves for 10 mins?
No ipads in those days, mind.

GeillisTheWitch · 10/08/2017 13:24

Children are children - running, screaming, etc are part of their makeup

Parents are parents and part of that responsibility entails teaching their children how to behave properly in different situations.

InvisibleCities · 10/08/2017 13:24

DH thinks they are trying to prove something. 'Ooooh, look at what a great mommy I am!' We have this theory that women who do this, scream at them indoors and have no tolerance for them.

Yes! I went to a toddler's group with a woman who hung on her ds's every move, was ever ready to leap into action the second he looked for her, and chuckled indulgently when he pushed other kids over or swore "Haha, where do they pick it up from?"

Then one day after she had pushed me into agreeing to a playdate on the phone - a conversation which was interrupted multiple times by her ds and she very indulgently waited for every babble to come to a complete stop before she got back to me - she didn't hang up properly. I was just about to hang up when I heard screaming. She was screeching at full volume about how she never got a fucking second to herself and telling him to fuck off get away from her and go and make his father miserable now. It was awful. (I did tell a friend who worked at the school, but nothing ever came of it.)

FanDabbyFloozy · 10/08/2017 13:24

@maisypops You should like my long lost sister..Grin

acornsandnuts · 10/08/2017 13:24

yellow I read to my kids in coffee shops, trains, park benches. So fuck off

You missing the point. There's nothing wrong with reading and talking to you child. It's those who do it knowing that people around them can do nothing but listen because the fucking volume and tbh twattyness of the subject matter.

PoorYorick · 10/08/2017 13:26

@MaisyPops

Now, if you'd put on a loud voice and started 'Look at all the dinosaurs! Harrison, what do we call this one? A T Rex? Yes. Well done. But that's not the full name is is? Nooooo. You know the full name don't you AND you can spell it like you did at grandma's... you loved dinosaur day that our mummy group where we did all those sensory activities. And the lady did a song. What's the song?' THEN you'd be one of those parents.

I am really shocked that you think I might do this. I don't know what I said that gave you that impression. It horrifies me to think you might even entertain this as a possibility.

I mean, as if I'd call my kid Harrison...

PringlesInMyPants · 10/08/2017 13:28

Eurgh - I know a performance parent with older children. Everything is a fucking performance and very visible your child didn't need to learn Mandarin at six months old, you twat (have have exaggerated a little, but not much)

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 13:28

PoorYorick
Argh! No.
I was just being sarcastic. BlushGrin

You sound totally reasonable. I was just highlighting the difference between what you did (nice and reasonable) and what the performance parents would do in your situation.

nina2b · 10/08/2017 13:28

Today 12:37 ThursdayLastWeek

Iguess I'm guilty of this .
I just call it parenting though as I don't give a rats arse what anyone thinks wink

Yep. We guessed.

heartstornastray · 10/08/2017 13:29

What a great way to describe these idiots. "performance parenting" you get them everywhere, don't they realise that no one is remotely impressed by them, they make me cringe. I also think "intense parenting" is a good description too. If they'd just take a step back and let the poor child breathe without so much attention on them.

PoorYorick · 10/08/2017 13:29

Sorry @MaisyPops, I was trying to make a joke, but obviously didn't pull it off. I was definitely not offended by your post, in fact that para made me laugh and disturb the cat.

(I was pretending the only obnoxious thing about that is calling your kid Harrison.)

megletthesecond · 10/08/2017 13:31

checking this isn't about me titting around on my phone while my dc's eat. Phew

nina2b · 10/08/2017 13:33

Today 12:43 Aridane

Oh goodness - I remember a horrible journey in the quiet coach.

Mother and young daughter - daughter quite happy quietly colouring in etc - and mother loudly performance parenting full volume, daughter responding in quiet voice.

Eventually an elderly gentleman (not sure why I mention his age) asked her to be quiet as it was the quiet coach - to the visible relief of other passengers - and mother continued with the full volume talk, this time about the nasty man, how she didn't know it was the quiet coach when she booked, and carry on darling. Difficult to believe she managed to keep that up for 20 mins.

Then when ticket man came round, she spoke about how she was told to be quiet but she had a child and these were her booked seats. Ticket conductor said train had plenty of spare seats and suggested she move. There was muted applause (!).

Elderly gentleman said to child that she had been a model of good behaviour.

I think the carriage would have tolerated a 'lively' child - but there was no excuse for the mother

Brilliant story. Loved the muted applause, particularly!!

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 13:33

PoorYorick
Aww man. I was worried I'd offended you.

But yes, to Harrison. Actually, I quite like the name but it's has potential to be middle class performance parenting victim.

gruffalo13 · 10/08/2017 13:34

I've also suffered through theatre and music performances (kids things but usually for over 5's) where a parent has narrated the story or talked about the instruments to their child in a loud voice. Grrrr. Just let them work it out themselves!

thunderyclouds · 10/08/2017 13:38

I 'performance parented' Hmm the other day at the optician. I had no choice but to take both kids (pre-school) with me as I had no alternative child care. It was a long appointment, over an hour, with various tests, and then periods sitting in the waiting room waiting for drops to work in my eyes. Reading to them was a guaranteed way of ensuring they did not get bored and start running about, screaming, fighting, tantrumming, and generally driving me and everyone else in the waiting room half demented. They are nice kids, but no kid copes well with long boring medical appointments.

Is just lovely to know that my efforts to make the experience as painless as possible for everyone are seen as self serving attention seeking. Why are women so utterly nasty and critical of each other?

dollydaydream114 · 10/08/2017 13:38

Children are children - running, screaming, etc are part of their makeup.

So take them to places where it's OK to do that then - i.e. not a fucking café. I see parents with well-behaved kids in cafes all the time who are capable of sitting at a table with a toy or crayons or whatever while parents have a coffee, so clearly plenty of kids are able to do that. If yours aren't, the solution is to accept that you can't sit with a latte for an hour while they cause havoc. Take them somewhere appropriate.

Also, I said 'scalded' not 'scolded'. Scalded as in burnt by hot coffee, not scolded as in told off. Have you ever seen the scars from boiling water being spilled on a toddler's face? I have.

Neutrogena · 10/08/2017 13:39

I don't encourage my kids to run around and deliberately cause nuisance, but if they behave like children, I won;t stop them being them.
A library is a quiet place, so no noise there.
A quiet carriage of the train the same.

But a coffee shop, where people are talking and moving, for sure they can run around. The shop will tell me to pipe down if necessary, but I have never been told.

We use coffee shops for different things. It's just a difference of opinion...

nina2b · 10/08/2017 13:39

Today 13:18 JessicaEccles

I take the risk if they get scolded by a drink. That's my responsibility, I agree, but a risk I am willing to take on their behalf

Are you nuts??????!!!!!

Indeed. The hot drunk has every right to scold!

nina2b · 10/08/2017 13:39

Or hot DRINK, even!!!!

Viviennemary · 10/08/2017 13:40

Glad to hear somebody scolded them. Even if it was only a drink.

Areyourevising · 10/08/2017 13:44

I was on a flight, child and parents sat behind us. Very young child was being taught times tables and spellings (loudly). Child got very frustrated and had mega tantrum, kicked my seat incessantly and then the parents were arguing and shouting about their parenting. On return journey I sat next to a mother who was performance parenting her child two rows back. "Rory, do you remember that book you read on holiday etc etc, can you spell etc etc , someone told her to shut up.