About this mum in the coffee shop

[Sallygoroundthemoon]

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

Today 12:04 SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

@longestlurkerever- it's not the reading aloud that's the problem here - it's doing it at such a loud, showing-off volume that no-one in the vicinity can escape it. It's the volume and thoughtlessness, not the fact that it is a parent reading to their child.

It would be just as annoying and unacceptable if it was an adult having a phone conversation at mega-volume.

I don't think anyone is saying parents shouldn't read to their child in public - they are just saying do it at a considerate volume, just as everyone else should be being considerate of people around them too!

Of course that is the crux of this. However, no matter how often that point has been made, in many different ways, it has not been taken on board.

So tiresome.

Longest - there's a happy medium you know. No one is saying parents shouldn't chat to their children or read stories to them in public places. We are saying that when they do it in an unnecessarily loud tone of voice it is annoying to other people - and yes, that includes in a library where other people want to choose books, study, read the paper or use the computers without having to listen to someone reading at the top of their voice to a toddler who's sitting right there beside them.

Agreed Longest - you will always get people talking louder than you'd like in a coffee shop or indeed any other public place. The teenagers that are a bit over excitable, the people doing a business to business meeting rather enthusiastically.

The coffee machines themselves are usually quite loud. Focus your attention on what you are doing not on what other people are doing and you'll be a lot less annoyed by everyone else.

Amy it is very difficult to focus your attention on what you are doing when other people are loudly shouting their business around the place - be it on their mobile phone, to the companion that's sitting right beside them or to the toddler they're reading a story to.

This 'just concentrate on your own business' is always the argument presented by rude people who don't care if their shouting and loudness is annoying others.

User, honestly I agree it is annoying when people are loud, but I come across it all the time. I'm just saying chill out, it's not worth getting annoyed about - if it is annoying me that much I'd just leave. I certainly wouldn't judge the person doing it, they might not realise they are talking so loudly. There might be a bad connection on the phone, there could be a million reasons why someone is acting in a perceived 'annoying way'. The reason I posted in the first place was because of all the comments about 'performance parenting'. It wasn't about volume during those conversations, people were being very 'judgy' about other parents who may be a little animated and (shock horror) be trying to educate their children whilst going about day to day life.

Oh for goodness sake - performamce parenting or whatever you like to call it - the fact remains that she is interacting with her child and not got her head stuck in her phone. This, alone, gets a thumbs up from me.

Totally agree with amyjoy. That's the point I've been making all along - it's the level of response that's disproportionate here. Some people are annoyingly loud in public. That's the beginning and end of the point being made here. Sometimes I'm in a restaurant and find the conversation next to me intrusive because of the volume they're speaking at, but it's not really something worth getting exasperated about. If I raised it with the manager they'd think I was being a tit, and quite rightly, unless it tipped into the threshold of raucous. It's a public place and learning to shrug off minor irritants like this is as much a part of sociable behaviour as acting considerately is. My mum, who is a wise woman in many ways, once told me back in the days of flatmate quibbles, that tolerance is an underrated virtue and I increasingly agree. I don't actually think I personally do speak particularly loudly in public - I'm generally known as one of life's mumblers, but I'm feeling protective of the people who have been the butt of so much mockery on here.

If it really is just a minor irritant then, yes, you should shrug it off, @longestlurkerever. But the impression I got from the OP was that it had crossed the line into being a more major irritant - and why should someone be driven out of a cafe because another patron can't or won't behave with a little consideration to others?

And I think we can all tell the difference between a parent reading, even in an animated style, to their child, and blatant showing off, performance parenting. The former's first concern is that their child is entertained and happy, the latter's first concern is that people admire what a wonderful parent they are. I suspect that the former are far, far more common than the latter, which is why coming across a specimen of the latter invites comment such as in the OP.

I actually think the op was reasonably balanced - the person in the cafe was speaking at such a volume as to make her jump, and she wasn't the one making all the unkind inferences about the woman's motivation. She could have politely asked them to pipe down a bit rather than seethe, but none of us are perfect. It was the later posts that got increasingly sneery and left a nasty note.

@longestlurkerever, that's completely true! TBH, I never heard the expression 'performance parenting' until I read this thread. I'm going to be a little self-conscious when I'm out and aboutfrom now on, worrying that random strangers think I'm interacting with my DDs for their benefit, fgs!!

@Neutrogena Ok so let's say that your precious snowflakes are running around the coffee shop, expressing themselves as you look lovingly on, shouting gentle words of encouragement as they fly past.

A waitress (young girl on holiday from University) is carrying a tray of hot soup, teas, coffees or whatever. Sebastian and Araminta Neutrogena charge into her and the whole shebang goes over her and an elderly customer at a neighbouring table. They both are badly burned but S and A remain totally unscathed. Would that be ok and a risk you were willing to take.

You, my dear, are all that is wrong with performance parenting. And you're a fuckwit if you think kids charging around a coffee shop is in any way acceptable.

Please accept my second MN

@MSLehrerin, but that's not known as 'performance parenting' (a ridiculous term, I think), it's an abdication of responsibility to parent!!

I bet she's the same woman who was in our local Pizza Express on Saturday - she was talking so loud to her child that everyone could hear her over the music. Her husband was talking at normal volume though so I don't think the child had a hearing problem.
Really really annoying!
You could see everyone visibly relax when they left

@MSLehrerin

What's that got to do with performance parenting? Use expletives about me all you want, but I don't think you understand what performance parenting is.

@Neutrogena I think @Mittens1969 has used a more suitable expression in "abdication of responsibility" in parenting.

I'm mildly amused that you picked me up on that but didn't answer my question re whether you thought it was OK for your snowflakes to run around and risk themselves or others being badly burned?

@Neutrogena and I do know what performance parenting is thank you. Do you?

I believe I said it's an abdication of responsibility to parent, of course it's not ok. I wouldn't let my 'snowflakes' do that!!

How could I have been clearer???

I don't personally think 'performance parenting' exists except in your small minds! Yes, there are clueless twats who are parents, same as there clueless twats in all walks of life.

You were clear as a bell @Mittens1969 I was agreeing with you and said you used a much more suitable expression than I did! Sorry if you misunderstood me 😕

I agree with DecisionTree. Better to be reading loudly to your child than staring at a phone.

Also, I do think some people are projecting their own insecurities when they call things like this "performance parenting"... you don't know for sure that these parents are showing off - they might just be unselfconscious. It must be nice to have the confidence to enjoy reading to your child in a cafe in silly voices without worrying about other people judging you!

@MSLehrerin, sorry, I misread your post. Thank you!

I'll have to watch out for this phenomenon called 'performance parenting'. I've never witnessed anything of the sort. Some people do speak too loudly though, that's for sure.

You, my dear, are all that is wrong with performance parenting

I am a poor parent sometimes, that is true. I am not perfect and and admit that.

I am still sure I don't performance parent however. If I am a bit loud, I do it for kids' benefit, no-one else's.
I do speak in a loud confident expensive accent, and if people think I put that on for their benefit they are mistaken.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter though does it?

@Mittens1969 😃 ta for that! My reply was to @Neutrogena and I tagged you to give you credit for using a more suitable expression than I had!! 😃

@Neutrogena wtf is an "loud, confident, expensive accent"? Posh?

Not 'posh' per se. A bit different to posh, though not not posh IYSWIM.