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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this mum in the coffee shop

826 replies

Sallygoroundthemoon · 10/08/2017 11:54

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 12/08/2017 09:52

Not sure whether I'm the antichrist if I let my son play with my phone or if I read to him instead on the train? Help Confused

YouTheCat · 12/08/2017 10:02

Both are fine so long as you aren't shouting or have the volume right up.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/08/2017 10:04

Not sure whether I'm the antichrist if I let my son play with my phone or if I read to him instead on the train? Help

Neither TeachesOfPeaches . Unless you also happen to shriek at your son too, as in the OPs case. Confused

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/08/2017 10:12

Ah come on now, there is a clear difference between people who are 'performing' for attention and people who are just loud or having a natural conversation with a child. It's irritating and wether it's a business person or a parent, they are being unreasonable.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/08/2017 10:13

We know that exists because of posters who comment on parents not interacting with their children and palming them off with iPads.

I don't 'palm my kid off with an ipad' because of other peoples judgeypants thanks Hmm

I 'palm him off with my phone' in serious places like hospital appointments et al because I still have to yo to these places and I can't shut my ASD son away until he can manage his sensory overload better.

Seeing a parent with a phone is a snapshot of that parents life. When DD gad to yo for a procedure the other day. He had dinasours in one pocket. Paper and crayons in the other. He played with them then the Lego in the waiting room. Then when bored I gave him my phone for five minutes. Call me a stickler but I'm sure the nurses were very grateful they could get on with DD procedure in peace with no shrieking, from either DS or myself, even if that did mean I 'palmed him off with my phone/ipod/electronics'. Smile

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/08/2017 10:14

*had to go

MaisyPops · 12/08/2017 10:35

I'm still exasperated , rather than angry. I don't tend to judge parents when out and about because I don't notice them at all. If you're doing something at a normalish volume I'm not going to bat an eyelid
Yes!
Whilst we all have personal opinions about tablets, phones, colouring books, anything on earth, most of us aren't going to judge someone else's choice. If someone's quietly and reasonably doing their thing I honestly couldn't care less.

This why I don't get the defensive you lot are so nasty and snobby for hating people doing anything educational or even interacting with their child. Sigh. Poor use we can't win. Grin Doing nice things with your kids is... well... nice!

Being loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate etc isn't. Anyone who doesn't understand that is probably loud and inconsiderate.

m0therofdragons · 12/08/2017 10:38

I've seen this and occasionally been rather bemused by it but on the whole I'd rather that than "Jack Fuckin' come 'ere naaaah!" Type parenting, which I actually see more regularly.

Dh once got accused of it in our country park. Dd was 18mo and he was showing her a bird's nest in the hedge and how it's made etc. A woman walked past and mocked him as dd is "too young to know what the fuck he was on about" Confused so dh was supposed to walk in silence? He was just staying sane and dd was listening even if she hadn't a clue. Other women was the only one walking past so he wasn't performance parenting, which she accused him of.

Oh well dd is now 9 and behaves well, is lovely and caring and achieving well above expectations so I guess we're doing something right.

MaisyPops · 12/08/2017 11:07

Dh once got accused of it in our country park. Dd was 18mo and he was showing her a bird's nest in the hedge and how it's made etc. A woman walked past and mocked him as dd is "too young to know what the fuck he was on about
That's so horrible. What a nasty woman.

As lots of people on here have said doing educational things isn't being a performance parent. Performance parenting is that loud inconsiderate look at me parenting.
Your DH sounds lovely.

bemusedmoose · 12/08/2017 11:26

I read stories like this to my kids indoors. I love reading stories and acting it all out. Sometimes when im out i forget to keep quiet! Mostly read quietly but as the story goes on i get carried away. I dont do it for attention, i just get carried away (i do shut up when i realise). It definitely wasnt me though - haven't been in any coffee shops lately, plus my stories are awesome 😆

Goldenbear · 12/08/2017 11:29

Performance parenting is being talked about like it's a crime now.

I don't necessarily equate loud with obnoxious personally and that's not because I'm loud. Acceptable volume is subjective in most of the examples given. In the OP's example I can't imagine being disturbed by it and I wouldn't go to a cafe for peace and quiet. You could go to a pub that sold coffee in the daytime, probably more likely to be empty.

Goldenbear · 12/08/2017 11:37

Personally, I find the opposite to be true as well rather than be 'bored shitless' my 6 year old DD loves it when I ham it up or become animated when talking about a subject, it definitely catches her imagination more. At later dates she requests me to repeat that behaviour and not be dull Mum. My 10 year old is developing preteen characteristics so would not necessarily want the am dram element of interaction but he definitely appreciates listening about something if it's talked about with passion. He is never really 'bored shitless' as he is the originator of many of our discussions.

nina2b · 12/08/2017 11:40

Why are people trying to find ways around what is clearly an actual phenomenon: parents who perform for the benefit of others around them? Come on, we've all seen them so let's not try to assert they don't exist.

I am not going to go around in square circles about this and repeat what has been repeated in this thread. You know exactly what people are talking about so let's not be disingenuous or defensive - or whatever it is.

nina2b · 12/08/2017 11:42

As for acceptable volume being "subjective", oh honestly, listen to yourselves!

Sparkerparker · 12/08/2017 11:43

Maybe her child is hard of hearing? Sometimes there's a perfectly reasonable reason for something that appears unusual.

MaisyPops · 12/08/2017 11:43

But golden It's perfectly possible to be engaging and animated and still be considerate.

There's a lovely cafe near me that if you go mid week tends to be frequented by (stereotype alert) the middle class 'yummy mummy' groups of mums in their boden with expensive pushchairs and they bring twenty tuppwrqare pots of everything for their kids and then nurse a pot of tea for an hour. Most of them are fabulously engaging with their children and it's lovely unless it's busy and then you think come one, you've nursed thay last cm for 20 mins! But every now and again you get a couple who just turn on the performance and it's irritating 'ooh yes and we did this... and this... and Charlotte is so advanced because she counts to 10 in french'. Hmm Even the other mother's in thr group have a look of 'oh ok then'.

There's clearly just a type of person who likes that sort of loud look at/listen to me stuff.

nina2b · 12/08/2017 11:49

I think people who are talking about volume WILL have taken on board the possibility of a child being "hard of hearing", for goodness' sake! People are talking in general terms.

Goldenbear · 12/08/2017 12:15

Loud doesn't equate to being bad though. Just as shy doesn't equate to being good. It can hold you back and stop you enjoying life.

TeamCersei · 12/08/2017 12:21

Aren't you lucky to have a mummy who loves you and cooks your meals from scratch without all those yukky chemicals? and the daughter looked thoughtful and said 'but Dad does all the cooking'

Out of the mouths of babes Grin

Goldenbear · 12/08/2017 12:24

My MIL is loud and what some would refer to on here as 'posh' but she's a good person. She is no Performance Parent though. However, that loudness, talking about educational topics coupled with my son's name would have most of you turn and look I would imagine.

Goldenbear · 12/08/2017 12:25

How do you distinguish between her type and PP? That's not disingenuous.

nursy1 · 12/08/2017 12:32

Saw one of these specimens in a shop other day. She was going through rail and saying loudly to her child ( about two I think).
" and what colour is this ..... you're right, what a clever girl, this is green"
It's so uuuuggh. Fuck off!

nina2b · 12/08/2017 12:35

nursy1

GrinGrin - "these specimens"!

Goldenbear · 12/08/2017 12:37

That must have been hard to see and hear.

DaisyFranceLynch · 12/08/2017 12:53

Currently on the train and there's a woman singing "Alouette" very loudly to her children. It made me think of this thread.