To expect a to be able to 'baby proof' when visiting

[mummytwoshoes]

DF and DSMs house has many 'trinkets and ornaments on display at floor and toddler height level. When we visit our toddler is very keen to explore and I will move these items out of reach both to avoid risk of injury and risk of damage. I do explain at the time to toddler that these are Nannies special things and not to be touched (I mention this so its noted that I'm not just ignoring the teaching about not touching aspect). However DSM walks back into the room and puts these items back in their original place. It means that our visits consist of me feeling like I'm constantly telling toddler off and on edge. I'm talking glass ornaments and vases on the floor right next to where they place toys for DC! They don't live nearby so visits are at least two nights. We generally prefer them to come to us and I have said before to them this is easier as our house is all baby proofed, but this is met with animosity particularly as I'm a SAHM they feel I should be going there more so they get to see DGC. I have politely mentioned so many times 'I have just moved X item, I don't want to risk anything being damaged' but it just gets moved straight back. AIBU to move these things? Heading down there soon and to be honest I'm worried about it already!

Two choices.

1. Don't visit her again. Your DG can visit at your house.
2. Let your toddler touch anything they like and see how fast FSM moves stuff once she sees you standing back. If things get broken, tough.

Just don't go. Cancel the upcoming trip & tell them why. If she tries the 'you can potter around here like at home', tell her no, you bloody well can't because you are having to shadow your toddler every waking moment because of the sodding ornaments. Stop pandering to them.

Dd was never a compliant sit in the middle of the room kind of a child. She still at 9 had far more energy than the average child. She can do a 3 mile run then go dancing for 4 hours and then want to go on a bike ride in the afternoon. When she was told she couldn't as she needed to rest, she went on the trampoline.

Saying all children can adapt and parents can teach them to keep away from ornaments clearly doesn't have a child like my dd and isn't disabled like me.

The trouble with saying things like "let your kid trash the place" is that broken glass and china is bloody sharp and a toddler could really hurt themselves in seconds.

I think you need to talk to her, to be honest I left things low that I didn't actually like/want in the hope they would get broken (gifts acquired over time) - this only really works on things that will not cause danger to the breaker though. Perhaps she hates the items, but doesn't realise the danger they present to your toddler ?

We had a similar issue. I kept on moving things and DGS said it was fine. Something got broken and we've never heard the end of it 😬😬😢

Is there any chance she has OCD? Not the 'ooh I'm a bit OCD' nonsense but the proper mental health diagnosis OCD.

If not, her behaviour is unreal. I'd make one last effort to communicate and resolve the issue but if nothing changed I'd stop visiting.

When my DSM moved in with DF the ornaments came too. We tried to stop the kids going for them and it was pretty stressful visiting. I eventually stopped caring and thought if they get broken they get broken (lots of GC between them not just ours running around). Kids are all much older now and not yet broken anything!

Oh I feel your pain OP. When my DS was a toddler we actually lived with our ILs for 6 months while we were looking for a house to buy. MIL used to keep a huge rattan tray of shells they had collected on African beaches on their glass coffee table in the lounge. It was exhausting trying to keep DS from picking up and smashing them on the table. Funnily enough, they had taken the wine bottles out of the toddler-height purpose-built cubbyholes and kept them safe for the duration of our stay (not that they were ever mean with their wine to us, I hasten to add).

I just sucked it up - we were to some extent dependent on their kindness I was afraid of DMIL and I just didn't want to rock the boat.

But you're in a different position- they are asking you to visit. Have you ever asked DSM if she minded you moving something before you did it? Apologies if I missed it in original post.

Other than that I do wonder what other dynamic there is between you and someone who isn't your own mother and whether that is feeding any of this agita.

What happens when you actually explain the problem to her and tell her why you keep moving the stuff out of your DC's reach?

If you've clearly explained the risks and she keeps moving stuff back and saying it doesn't matter, I'd let something get broken to be honest and then see if it changes her mind.

You can't stay on high alert for two days.

I wouldn't go there if she won't let things be moved out of reach.

Totally understand where you are coming from.

But remember children are more resilient than we give them credit for.

Think Tigger!

(Children are made out of rubber and springs, they fly and bounce off everything!)

As PP said, when DSM puts things back I would ask her what does she think you should do next time, as at that age kids still do not understand "do not touch, do not throw, that is not a toy, that's not yours". Tell her you do not expect the house to be baby-proofed, but that there is too much stuff within reach that can be broken. My mum was the same when I visited with my DC (she lives abroad, we do not go there often). She had vases, glass ornaments, little decorative shells, round shiny stones... you name it. I kept moving things away and she was just baffled because in her opinion she shouldn't have to change her house but I should teach them what they could or couldn't touch... eventually she realised that at 2yo and under, children are more like puppies than anything, they just get overexcited and curious about the tiniest things and do not follow (or understand) most instructions. She started to put things in another room and at least left the main living space clutter free. Maybe ask her to compromise just with one room, so you both put stuff on top shelves when you arrive, then you help her to put it back before you leave. But I think this needs to be discussed with clear words and explaining that it is as much about protecting your child as it is about protecting her things. Explain that is one of the reasons you prefer to meet at yours, as in your house you can relax a bit more and sit down to chat for a bit, instead of run after your child constantly.

Sounds like a nightmare. I had exactly the same when DS was smaller. Dad and his wife's home. She is exceptionally precious, never had kids, doesn't like them much. DS was constantly grabbing her little china Jesus's and other trinkets all over the place and she just kept putting them back after I'd moved them. To make matters worse she didn't want to let him leave the sitting room so every time I went into the hall to do some stair climbing with him she ushered as back into the room. That was almost 2 years ago and I haven't visited since. If they want to see my kids they can come to me.

If she won't allow you to move stuff, then clearly explain that she will have to cope with some breakages, which you will not be able to replace, because even the best-parented toddler is still a toddler, and cannot be expected to handle breakable things carefully all the time.

Then when the breakages do happen, and you are getting a wigging for it, deploy I Told You So.

And then ask if they are prepared to cope with more breakages, or allow you to temporarily put delicate things out of harm's way. And if neither of those are acceptable, if you should stay away altogether.

Where does your DF stand on this?

Carry on as you are and then when stuff gets moved back let it get broken.

She'll changer her tune the first time something gets broken

Toddler is a curious learner. Never going to stop. Being punished for what comes as a natural part of learning - not being naughty.

I would simply not go.

I like wiltings How To Talk So Kids Will Listen type approach

Ask them how you all should best manage it as the current situation is stressful for you and you're worried someone or something will get hurt. What do they suggest?

YABU to move stuff without discussing it first. TheyABU not to see the issue.

I have this with my mum but thankfully only at Christmas time, she has those musical Christmas ornaments. Shows them off to the children, plays with them with the children and then saunters of expecting that nobody is going to touch them!

I had this.... I was told I was being completley UR so stopped visiting. It was too hard.

My grandchildren visit all the time and often stay for a few days even though they live close! There are a couple of things at floor level (not expensive but breakable) which they aren't allowed to touch. The same applies to my glasses ( I have seen so many babies trying to grab them off people's faces). They are just told they are ornaments (not the glasses!!) for 'looking at only' so they don't bother about them at all.

My 11 month old GD will occasionally look at them then look back at me and smile ( possibly to see if I am watching) but she already knows the rules. It is more difficult if you only visit occasionally and you sound a caring and observant mum who only wants to keep the peace and your child safe.

Having that said that, the rest of my house and garden is a free for all with minimum rules as I keep lots of toys and spare equipment for grandchildren ( and visiting pets) and have safety measures like stair gates and socket covers.

Perhaps you could consider staying in a cheap hotel nearby and limit visits to your family to nice days when you can be out in their garden and tell them why you have decided to do that for the time being. I don't know why it is such a problem nowadays that people can't just talk to each instead of resorting to internet sites to solve their issues though! Yes, children have to be taught to respect property but it's also very easy for them to fall over so you don't want a myriad of breakable and dangerous glass ornaments around toddlers. That's just common sense, surely.

We had this with DFIL, so we had a chat and they removed all the lower ornaments so DD1 couldn't get her hands on them.

Although he forgot about the shotgun he had left behind the sofa.

I kid you not.