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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my annual leave is not for childcare for him to do OT

125 replies

Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 06:09

Everything seems worse at 5am so maybe I'm overreacting.

I've had today and tomorrow booked as A/L for about a month now to spend with DH & DDx2. DH works shifts that include weekends so full days off together are rare.

Last week DH said something about needing to do OT and maybe he'd do it Tuesday (today) or weds. I looked appalled 'reminded' him I'd booked leave those days and he backed off quickly, us both going along with the ruse he'd 'forgotten' this instead of specifically selecting those days because I would be off work.

So yesterday he's in work, I've looked after kids all day by myself as usual (I'm part time). Get a text, he's going to be late home - standard. 11:30pm I go to sleep he's still not home. Wake up just now at 5:30 to empty bed beside him. Initial panic, text him he's fine, still in work. Jovial message about talking about the fecking A team with some chap Angry. I reply saying I might as well go to work today then and can he sort it with our usual childcare provider once it's a more reasonable hour.
I mean, I spend most days a week looking after 2 kids by myself, I don't need to use my very limited pro rata'd annual leave doing the same thing. With the added complication that we'd either have to creep about as he's sleeping or go out (kids are 4yrs and 1yr, I find it hard work doing day trips alone).

To slightly put his side forward, it's not the kind of job you can just walk out of at clocking off time if you're in the middle of something. OTOH you don't need to stay spanning 3 shifts, you can get things to a point of handover otherwise you'd be there forever. He could have left if he wanted, but my AL just wasn't a consideration.
He also insists he'll be 'ready' to go out with us by 11am.

AIBU to just go to work as usual at 8am and leave him to sort childcare?

Although, having said that it's now 6am and he's still not back.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 08/08/2017 06:15

I think you would be fair to go to work. I mean when is he going to sleep? Who would drive as he would be dangerous to. Will he be moody lack of sleep? Make for an unpleasant day out

SouthWindsWesterly · 08/08/2017 06:16

How the hell will he be in a state to go with you at 11 if he hasn't slept?

swingofthings · 08/08/2017 06:18

On one hand, if he's ready to go out at 11am, is it so bad?

What is a pity is that he didn't bother to call you last night, or at least text you to explain the situation rather than you having to find out by contact him because you woke up wondering where he was. I find this very selfish.

Going to work, if that's an option is a good idea but how would your 4yo react to that if she thinks she is going to spend time with you and her dad?

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2017 06:19

YANBU!! Perhaps tell him you are dropping the kids off at his work if he's not back and arranging childcare. Or he can take care of them himself as apparently he doesn't need to sleep. I'd be furious about both the treatment and how condescending it is.

Alexandra87 · 08/08/2017 06:22

Yanbu. I have to use so much of my annual leave to cover no childcare or because I have to attend something at school. My dh is the same. It usually works out we manage to have 1 week off together with the dc per year. I would be upset if dh chose to work when we had agreed we would both be off with the dc and would be doing things with the dc. If it's an option I would go to work today and do save the precious time off for another time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/08/2017 06:30

YANBU to be pissed off, but I think I would force him out at 11am to join you on your day off with the kids.

He won't change otherwise.

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 06:45

thinking about it rationally (trying to) the fact is I actually can't realistically go to work as it would be totally unfair on childcare (not a nursery) to ask them to have children at this short notice. They'd probably do it but it would damage the relationship with them. He knows I can't/won't go in that's partly why I'm so bloody angry, whether through thoughlessness or conscious decision I've got no real choice now.
So assuming he gets home by 7am and falls asleep instantly, and IF he gets up at 11am, he'll have had 4hours sleep. So yes probably tired/grumpy. A day at an attraction is out as won't be worth the £ and effort if only getting there at lunchtime. We'll have to along lines of beauty spot/ice cream.
The other more likely scenario is I'll be looking after them all day alone, just like I do 4-5 days a week anyway. Although actually no DD1 has been promised a fun family day so I'll be getting him up.
I don't want the whole day to be wasted with me feeling in a rage about it, but I'm so so cross. the day won't be what we were looking forward to I'll just have to make the best of it.

Bloody why why why did he feel the need to stay there overnight, knowing that today would be a write off as a result?.
I mean his job is reactive, and demanding, but it's not actual life or death, no one dies if he walks away.

OP posts:
MujosMama · 08/08/2017 06:49

YANBU, but I think you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you go to work. It depends on him - do you honestly think that he would be in a fit state to enjoy a day with you and the kids? If yes then just stick to your original plan and enjoy your day, he can catch up later. Wouldn't let him drive though. If you think however that he will spend the whole day in bed/being a misery and you may as well write the day off anyway, then go to work but I would be seriously pissed off and would ask him to take an AL day or TOIL to make up for it. My OH also does shift work in a job where you don't just leave when your hours are up (emergency services) so I do understand but agree he's been an arse about it.

I think men just don't get it a lot of the time. My OH propose a flexi hours pattern that would mean he is at work literally every day I am at home, and I'm at work when he's at home. The logic was then we'd only need childcare one or two days a week when I am back to work. He couldn't understand why that pissed me off at all - it was to save money, but we don't need to THAT badly 🙄

IceLollyInThePaddlingPool · 08/08/2017 06:50

I certainly wouldn't be creeping around letting him sleep. Can you have a living room disco? Do you own any recorders?

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 06:50

Well, if he got home at 11:45 and left at 5:15 then he's possibly had five hours of sleep on top of the additional four he may have when he comes home. Which is more than the guidelines for the average adult.

I wouldn't have an issue with it as long as he's not grumpy and feral all day. I'd rather be out of bed doing something if I couldn't sleep than lying in bed, tossing and turning and disturbing my partner. I'd have no issue with him going to do a hobby.

I may have an issue with the lack of lie in on my annual leave day because he went to do a hobby though - that I'd happily point out to him!

What's OT by the way?

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 06:52

Wait, is OT work related and not hobby related?

I think you may be being a bit more unreasonable if it is. I'm also slightly confused as to whether he's slept now as well (did he come home and then go out?)

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 06:56

OK. OT = overtime, and I guess whether you are being unreasonable depends on why he needed to do it. I would check whether he's had any sleep, and, why he didn't come home despite saying he would.

"I mean, I spend most days a week looking after 2 kids by myself, I don't need to use my very limited pro rata'd annual leave doing the same thing."

I think you are being as bad as him with this comment - sorry.

Collaborate · 08/08/2017 07:01

So you want him to work a full night shift then spend a full day with you? When does he get to sleep?

(Before anyone points out, I've seen the bit where he does 3 consecutive shifts - not sure anyone can do that unless there's the opportunity to get a sleep at work).

Perhaps the OP's OH stayed in work to have a rest.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2017 07:01

He will have presumably been in work about 24 hour by the time he gets back?

TesticleMeElmo · 08/08/2017 07:02

Reading this has made irrationally angry on your behalf, OP. So your husband knew full well that you wanted some family time, tried to get out of it by scheduling overtime, then after being caught out STAYED AND WORKED ALL NIGHT INSTEAD (thus writing off the day). What an absolute douche. My DP works nights and I know exactly how ready your DH will be by 11 am... my advice is to take the opportunity to go somewhere with the kids, that'll give him the opportunity to actually have some sleep (and it's not worth either the moaning you'll get if he doesn't get much or the grumpy attitude) then tomorrow he can take both kids out on his own and let you enjoy some time alone. He owes you that.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2017 07:02

Coll no she wanted him to do his shift as planned, come home as planned, sleep as planned and then go for the day out. As planned.

Devilishpyjamas · 08/08/2017 07:04

I don't think he's been home at all stratosphere.

Springishere0 · 08/08/2017 07:06

Why does he need to do overtime? If it's not necessary, or it could have been done any day, I'd be pissed off too. Especially if you'd promised the kids a family day and he knew that.

Saying that, I'd let him sleep now he's worked all night. He's no good to anyone tired. But when he wakes up, you should tell him off, then plan a nice family day for tomorrow and on top, demand a day where he looks after the kids and you can go do something you like. Seems only fair!

AppleJacques · 08/08/2017 07:07

Wow, he's a selfish arse isn't he. Just do what you need today, make sure you're not quiet for him, take your girls somewhere that's easy for you and make sure he comes. Sorry he's screwed up your day though.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2017 07:08

Don't tell him off.
Does he ever initiate or enjoy family days out?
Why do you think he did it op?

thegirlupnorth · 08/08/2017 07:08

Has he been at work that length of time, if so, surely it's not safe. Or has he been elsewhere, seems very strange to me. Either way he's a selfish bastard.

Mumof56 · 08/08/2017 07:09

You booked annual leave to spend with your children, and now that you actually have to spend it with your children you are annoyed?

YABU

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2017 07:10

She booked it to spend as a family. Now she's ended up doing what she does on the days she doesn't usually work. Day trips aren't the same on your own are they

user53592952153 · 08/08/2017 07:10

YABU, it's down to you both to work as a team and neither of you are coming out of this looking good TBH. You both need to grow up and get your act together.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2017 07:12

Work as a team - make plans, book leave, then change those plans for no apparent good reason, leaving your partner to pick up the pieces.
I'm guessing if op hadnt taken leave today he would have had to be back for childcare reasons