to think my annual leave is not for childcare for him to do OT

[Longhairmightcare]

Everything seems worse at 5am so maybe I'm overreacting.

I've had today and tomorrow booked as A/L for about a month now to spend with DH & DDx2. DH works shifts that include weekends so full days off together are rare.

Last week DH said something about needing to do OT and maybe he'd do it Tuesday (today) or weds. I looked appalled 'reminded' him I'd booked leave those days and he backed off quickly, us both going along with the ruse he'd 'forgotten' this instead of specifically selecting those days because I would be off work.

So yesterday he's in work, I've looked after kids all day by myself as usual (I'm part time). Get a text, he's going to be late home - standard. 11:30pm I go to sleep he's still not home. Wake up just now at 5:30 to empty bed beside him. Initial panic, text him he's fine, still in work. Jovial message about talking about the fecking A team with some chap . I reply saying I might as well go to work today then and can he sort it with our usual childcare provider once it's a more reasonable hour.
I mean, I spend most days a week looking after 2 kids by myself, I don't need to use my very limited pro rata'd annual leave doing the same thing. With the added complication that we'd either have to creep about as he's sleeping or go out (kids are 4yrs and 1yr, I find it hard work doing day trips alone).

To slightly put his side forward, it's not the kind of job you can just walk out of at clocking off time if you're in the middle of something. OTOH you don't need to stay spanning 3 shifts, you can get things to a point of handover otherwise you'd be there forever. He could have left if he wanted, but my AL just wasn't a consideration.
He also insists he'll be 'ready' to go out with us by 11am.

AIBU to just go to work as usual at 8am and leave him to sort childcare?

Although, having said that it's now 6am and he's still not back.

What needs to happen now is that he uses a day of his AL on a day you are off anyway to replace this day.

And it might be time for a muse on how something like this makes you realise how much you are compromising your career by being part time and supporting him working more - putting him in career pole position. Fine if you're a team, not fine if you're going to be taken advantage of. Hmm, maybe time to think of opps for you full-time and for him to think about taking his turn at part-time...?

It does seem unfair to agree to an arrangement to spend family time together with the children and then book OT at work so you know you'll need to be asleep and not able to be with the children. I'd be very annoyed with my DH if he did this.

Is it possible there was a misunderstanding? I thought DH and I had agreed to have yesterday off to take the children to the seaside together. But he hadn't booked yesterday off, he was anticipating going to the seaside on Friday. Guess what, the weather was great yesterday and it's forecast to be raining on Friday! So I was gutted about that. At least we're going away for a seaside holiday later this month or the children would be cross too.

But that's lack of communication. If that's the issue then it's a disappointment. If your DP did it to avoid family time, that's very unreasonable and I would be very hacked off.

My husband is newly promoted in the police. He would never ever pull this shit. Ever. It's completely disrespectful to you. As you say, there is no way he would have needed to stay so long. He could have handed it over at some point. I would be raging with him. Yabu.

Doing overtime as an emergency is one thing, but he was talking about having to do this overtime (today/tomorrow) last week?!

(Light hearted)

Haribo and cola for the kids.. let them into the bedroom and you sneak out for a nice coffee and cake

(I'm just popping out Darling, back in a bit.. Can you mind the kids?)

I think he needs to try to step back a bit. I know it's really hard, I really do - I've ten years in now, but there does come a point that you CAN handover to someone else and go home. It is hard, especially if it's a good job and you want to see it through, but sometimes you just have to let it go on to someone else. I nearly ran myself into the ground with some safeguarding jobs. It's so hard to walk away and leave the next team to carry it on, especially with all the cuts etc meaning everyone's workload is crazy.

There's no thanks and people who don't work in the force, or haven't got someone close who does, won't fully understand.

For the person who said maybe there's another woman. Perhaps so, but the OP is in the job also so she would find out very easily if it was that or if he was just genuinely staying behind.

And don't get me started on bloody CPSD. Our office has a world map and they track the waiting times on there - how far they could have flown on holiday rather than waiting for CPS.

I think I would just take the kids by myself somewhere DH would like to go (like a Lego Star Wars exhibition thingy, or any place DH likes). And take pictures and post on facebook. Yes, I'm mature like that :P

I can also see why it would be hard for the OP to take 2 DCs to a theme park on her own. There are things an older DC can do which the younger one can't, some rides have a height restriction, quite rightly.

What I sometimes, OP, is arrange something with a friend or family member, if it's a trip with school friends or cousins then it's very exciting for the DCs and a nice day out for you. It's a bit short notice to arrange anything now, I realise that.

What stands out to me fwiw is that there is no way whatsoever that the OPs OH would have been able to do this overtime if OP had not been on holiday - so he used your holiday to give himself the opportunity to do extra 'gold star' work (shoring up his career) even though it had been agreed that this holiday was for a rare family treat day TOGETHER.
How sad and thoughtless and really rather mean (albeit unintentionally mean). YANBU.

I think it was intentionally mean. Because the OP had made it very clear what she wanted from this day and his attitude says 'fuck what she wants. I'm going to do what I want regardless'.

There was another thread recently about a husband who everyone thinks is an absolute star - can't do enough for people. That is, apart from his wife (the h was a primary school teacher iirc). This thread has a similar feel to it.
OP says he is normally a decent dad/husbsnd. I hope that's true, but what she has posted here paints a picture of a selfish man.

I think you should have gone into work OP and left the children with him.

He was selfish and thoughtless. He needs to reflect and apologise. He needs to realize by himself that he treated you as a doormat.

If he doesn't even think of you, and instead swans about feeling a martyr for the long shift, I'd be considering the marriage. He needs to appreciate you as more than just an enabler for his career.

Gosh, no wonder the divorce rate is so high! People are now effectively suggesting you consider LTB!
Yes the OP has every right to be annoyed about this but it's done now. And prolonging the anger and punishment won't benefit anybody.
Hope you end up having a nice day anyway OP.

Right so a little update.
About 10:30 heard him moving about upstairs/in bathroom, thought he'd gone to loo.
Shortly after he appears downstairs showered, dressed asking where we were going for the day

However in the meantime I'd had a little whinge and a moan to my lovely mum who totally by coincidence was off work today herself (she seems to have endless holiday days that she 'needs to use up') and she invited me & the girls to go to the garden centre with her and DF (retired) which we accepted.

I told DH he should really just go back to bed. He's all incredulous not tired it's fine etc. I actually think he just genuinely does not view the fact that he worked all night as having to have any impact on our day today.

Anyway I couldn't get hold of my mum (she views her mobile as a portable clock) and to cut a long story short they ended up taking the girls, who are thrilled as my mum could take them to a hole in ground and they'd think it the best day ever if they were with her.

So I'm thinking DH will go to bed. But no, since the kids are not here let me get the chainsaw out and cut down those overgrown bushes we've been meaning to do, blackboard paint that bit of wall in the garden, and did that dead rose bush out and install the sandpit we've been talking about, there's one in Argos that looks nice!! NB I have banned him from touching the chainsaw or any power tools.
I seriously think that the man thinks he's a robot.

We have had a chat about the whole my leave and he said he could see why I was annoyed, but had no choice. He doesn't seem to accept he could have done anything other than stay at work.
I obviously asked him whether he would have done the same if I wasn't on AL, he said yes! The subsequent childcare would have been his problem and he either would have stayed up or arranged something!!. I think this is a bit disingenuous as theres it would be dangerous & irresponsible to look after 2 small kids on that little sleep.

Anyway so that's where we're at. We've compromised re chainsaw madness by agreeing to some non tool related jobs of clearing out the camping stuff, which isn't exactly the day I had in mind but at least no one will lose a limb, (and I secretly enjoy organising) and re-arranging some furniture I've been wanting to do in DDs room.

I'm actually not sure what to feel? Annoyed still, I think incredulous at the moment.

I thought that, but while I was In The shower he heated up the aforementioned lasagne (last nights tea) & some dough balls he'd discovered and made us lunch. Which is sitting rather heavy now I must say but never mind!

Actually he gains back some ground by being up ready and enthusiastic.

I'm glad you found something fun for the kids, but today has not been what you wanted or planned for. It's good that he was up and got ready but the truth remains that his choice to stay at work means he isn't really up to doing what you wanted today. Your AL has been spent clearing up rather than having meaningful family time. Making time for the whole family to be together is very important when a parent has a full on job and isn't home a regular hours.
I would still be feeling angry too and I would want changes. As a starting point I'd want him to book AL to make up for lising this one. And you have lost this one if your kids are elsewhere and you are cleaning out the camping stuff!

I bet he's absolutely knackered now though.

What do the kids think of the sandpit?

He gains some ground by trying I suppose. But I would reiterate youR planned message - it feels like you are only useful for childcare, there wasn't even an apology, as a policeman you can easily look up the research on fatigue and ability to function e.g. For driving so don't spout bullshit. There is a limit to how many times you can tell your family / wife they aren't very important compared to work and this event was a strike. You don't seem to get it, by now I've explained it to you I expect it not to happen again.

He also insists he'll be 'ready' to go out with us by 11am

And he was, only you'd rearranged the days plans

Well at least you had a good day in the end.

I don't get why he made lunch if he thought you were going out...

rhiwrites by that point my mum had taken DC to garden centre, which was modified plan B, since we thought he'd be asleep all day.