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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my annual leave is not for childcare for him to do OT

125 replies

Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 06:09

Everything seems worse at 5am so maybe I'm overreacting.

I've had today and tomorrow booked as A/L for about a month now to spend with DH & DDx2. DH works shifts that include weekends so full days off together are rare.

Last week DH said something about needing to do OT and maybe he'd do it Tuesday (today) or weds. I looked appalled 'reminded' him I'd booked leave those days and he backed off quickly, us both going along with the ruse he'd 'forgotten' this instead of specifically selecting those days because I would be off work.

So yesterday he's in work, I've looked after kids all day by myself as usual (I'm part time). Get a text, he's going to be late home - standard. 11:30pm I go to sleep he's still not home. Wake up just now at 5:30 to empty bed beside him. Initial panic, text him he's fine, still in work. Jovial message about talking about the fecking A team with some chap Angry. I reply saying I might as well go to work today then and can he sort it with our usual childcare provider once it's a more reasonable hour.
I mean, I spend most days a week looking after 2 kids by myself, I don't need to use my very limited pro rata'd annual leave doing the same thing. With the added complication that we'd either have to creep about as he's sleeping or go out (kids are 4yrs and 1yr, I find it hard work doing day trips alone).

To slightly put his side forward, it's not the kind of job you can just walk out of at clocking off time if you're in the middle of something. OTOH you don't need to stay spanning 3 shifts, you can get things to a point of handover otherwise you'd be there forever. He could have left if he wanted, but my AL just wasn't a consideration.
He also insists he'll be 'ready' to go out with us by 11am.

AIBU to just go to work as usual at 8am and leave him to sort childcare?

Although, having said that it's now 6am and he's still not back.

OP posts:
Gooseberrycrumble4 · 08/08/2017 09:18

DH can crack on with the day. Don't see why OP should pussy foot round him when it's her aL and plans were clear

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/08/2017 09:18

I think that's entirely fair. Why should everyone else have to tiptoe around him - it just indulges selfish behaviour.
In the end OP, it's your marriage but the saying that if you do what you've always done, you get what you always got, is true.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/08/2017 09:19

Oh, just happy coincidence he 'had to' do this on the very day the OP was available to cover morning childcare, don't you think Jemima?

I don't think he's as nice as you. I think he didn't have to be there at all.

Velvian · 08/08/2017 09:19

YANBU at all, op. I work 3 days a week. Do you work Mondays? If you do, changing to a different day would make a difference to your A/L. Part timers (say 2 days) working Monday get 2/5 of a bank holiday, but usually have to take every bank holiday Monday off. If you worked a Tuesday you would still get 2/5 bank holiday to take when you like.
Sorry, a bit off topic. It's lonely going out with 2 small dcs on your own. I know the disappointment of having looked forward to sharing that with the other parent & finding you are actually alone again. If dh had been honest about his plans you could have arranged other company for yourself.Flowers Can you call a friend/mum/sister instead?

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2017 09:20

In fairness our parents take the children away on the summer and while they're away I make the most of the time to clear my to do list that has been building. I do enough during the year to tick over but the summer is when I get those jobs done. I could easily work all night! Wouldn't have done it in this situation but I don't think workload is that unbelievable

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 09:23

"I can't for the life of me think what he could have been doing all night if he was meant to finish at 5! "

Really? As a police officer?

You can't for the life of you think what they have had to be doing all night when the forces around the country are completely rammed?

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 09:24

lottie

The OP says herself he wouldn't have been able to do it without the annual leave, so perhaps it's not a case of "had to", but a case of the only time he was "able to".

OrangeJulius · 08/08/2017 09:25

I think what he's done is actually really awful. Your DH has just blatantly told you he cares more about his job than spending time with you.

InDubiousBattle · 08/08/2017 09:25

Exactly lottie if the alternative had been leaving his two young children at home alone then he would have simply had to leave. The fact that op was home was the only 'reason' this could happen and I'm certain that wasn't an accident. At some point during the 22 hours he was at work he said to himself 'fuck it, she's at home tomorrow on AL, she can deal with the kids'.

jemimafuddleduck · 08/08/2017 09:26

Don't get me wrong, it's a shitty situation. He should be feeling guilty as sin for messing up what should have been a nice family day.

HOWEVER having been in this situation myself, sometimes it is unavoidable, and it's Sod's law it will always happen when you've got something planned. The amount of times I have had to cancel things because something's happened at work and I can't leave!

All I'm trying to say to the OP is try not to let it ruin your day... and maybe all that ££ he's earned overnight could treat the family - especially as it was unexpected Wink

ParadiseCity · 08/08/2017 09:28

I also knew the job. Been there done that. You have my sympathies.

Yes he will be tired and grumpy... but tough shit butties for him. He chose to stay knowing he had committed to a day out. We'd be having the fucking day out with gritted teeth. But I am speaking from the view point of years of bitter resentment. It's not the crims that ruin your family life it's the bosses.

RhiWrites · 08/08/2017 09:29

Besides which, this was a planned family day. It's not going to be that if he's asleep until late morning and grumpy when he wakes up.

I think what's so outrageous about this is the way he first planned to do overtime and then when reminded about it sneakily worked this ridiculously long day (and after 22hrs his work product will be crap).

Maybe he's conscientious about work but he's not being conscientious about his wife or children or the agreed on plans made a month ago.

OP you must tell him you feel disappointed and let down. Ask him to think of how to make it up and if he gets an attitude you have bigger problems.

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/08/2017 09:30

Stratos, no one is doubting that he could legitimately find things to do. But he already told OP that he wanted to use her AL to book OT. She said no, that they had family plans and he basically decided he was going to do it anyway, with no agreement.
I'm sure that in a genuine emergency, the OP would have been accommodating. She comes across as very understamdong of his job. But he is a husband and a father too. He has obligations to his wife. It really isn't on to just steal her AL in this way and give her no choice. It's selfish and utterly disrespectful.

SouthWindsWesterly · 08/08/2017 09:34

I think the OP's argument is that she understands that sometimes work takes over however if she hadn't had booked the annual leave, he would have had to have left
In order to look after their children.

upperlimit · 08/08/2017 09:37

I do find it hard to understand when people say that they can't cope with multiple dc going out ( barring SN of course ) and I'm not putting these words in your mouth op though you have said something similar.

I do. In a tourist attraction there are things that a four year old can do that a one year old cannot, these things usually need adult help.

So, if the op is talking about a trip to a theme park, the four year old will need an adult to go on rides that the one year old is too little to go on and it's not like you can leave the one year old unattended in a buggy while you go on the ride (imagine the aibu's). So basically it's a day of wandering around showing the the eldest all the things they could have gone on but could not -that's a shit day that would be radically altered with another adult.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/08/2017 09:38

Even if he desperately needed to do this overtime and this was his only opportunity, where's the communication? Where's the apology?

There is no indication that 'something came up', he had to deal with it, said sorry and felt terrible. Every indication from what OP has said that he wanted to do overtime for his own satisfaction and to show off.

He didn't have balls to tell OP up-front what he'd decided to do.

I'm not impressed by cowardice, manipulation and selfishness in any line of work.

Ragwort · 08/08/2017 09:43

I'm sorry but something doesn't add up here. I can't for the life of me think what he could have been doing all night if he was meant to finish at 5! Even the most complicated job doesn't take that long to deal with!

Surely you don't need much imagination to understand that many jobs don't just 'finish' at 5pm Hmm. The OP has more or less said that her DH is in the Police - you don't just walk out at 5pm 'because that's when your shift finishes'.

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/08/2017 09:50

No but you also don't walk out 22 hours later, barring emergencies

anchor9 · 08/08/2017 09:51

wtf kind of a job does he have? does this not sound odd to anyone??

Tinty · 08/08/2017 09:52

Can you, next time, not tell him if you have AL booked. Then when he thinks he is on all day childcare when you are at work. You can say surprise we can go out for the day together with the children. Then he won't be able to sneakily work OT because he has to be up in the morning for the children. What a nice surprise that would be for him. Grin.

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 09:55

Gah.
I think what's going to happen is he'll sleep. There's talk of going to a fun day with school mums; I'll do that.
This evening it will be discussed how he has been a selfish arse and effectively stolen my day off, and made me feel like we're less important than work, and I am just a convenient source of childcare for him when I don't happen to be work.
He's not a selfish arse generally and although working over happens regularly it's not usually so long or at the expense of something else. Hopefully when he hears it from that angle he might realise that this is a bit different from his usual 'I'll have to work late' which are accepted.
He'll initially be defensive and try the 'no choice' route but really we both know that not true (not for that length of time anyway). I'm hoping then he will apologise and we'll try and reschedule the day using his leave.
Meanwhile tonight he'll be doing the kids tea and putting them to bed, whilst I maybe go and have a glass of wine if I can find anyone available on a Tuesday night or a bath. Then we'll finally watch GOT and eat my lasagne Smile
Tomorrow we'll have our day out.

It will be made clear that if anything of the sort happens again we'll have a serious problem, and in addition I WONT be picking up the childcare alone on previous scheduled joint days off.

OP posts:
anchor9 · 08/08/2017 09:56

ok i've RTROTFT now. no yanbu.

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 10:02

"It will be made clear that if anything of the sort happens again we'll have a serious problem, and in addition I WONT be picking up the childcare alone on previous scheduled joint days off."

I think that's fair enough; has he done this before by the way? I would not want him thinking a promotion means a non-communicatable repeat (even though I can see his side to it and think it's not ideal but not the end of the world either).

I also think Spa should be mentioned.

Letseatgrandma · 08/08/2017 10:06

Blimey-that's some overtime. Do you get paid for that in the police or is it TOIL which you are then not allowed to take?!

I would be hopping mad at him and would also (in my irrational 'you're ruining my annual leave' state) be wondering if there was 'another woman' at work.

Hope you have a good day today and a productive discussion with him later-he's being really dismissive and shitty to you.

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 10:08

Ha, thanks anchor.

FWIW it's entirely possible to work 22hours & then some but IMO not actually necessary.

Yes an extra 5-6hours. You're e.g interviewing someone, you can't just look at clock and go oh it's shift end, cheerio, I'll resume this tomorrow (or in 2 days if at the end of cycle). Interviews can take hours. But after this point you CAN leave, and handover to someone. What DH would have done is started on the next task, which once started also takes hours and can't be left half done. But at this point it's become his choice to do so. Getting a charging decision from CPS can takes hours on the phone esp out of hours for example. Or there might be other further enquiries that need doing there and then, can't wait, however it is at this point you can hand over.
Being fair though, there sometimes literally isn't anyone there to hand over to. Literally. But not for 22hours, that's stretching it a bit.

OP posts: