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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my annual leave is not for childcare for him to do OT

125 replies

Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 06:09

Everything seems worse at 5am so maybe I'm overreacting.

I've had today and tomorrow booked as A/L for about a month now to spend with DH & DDx2. DH works shifts that include weekends so full days off together are rare.

Last week DH said something about needing to do OT and maybe he'd do it Tuesday (today) or weds. I looked appalled 'reminded' him I'd booked leave those days and he backed off quickly, us both going along with the ruse he'd 'forgotten' this instead of specifically selecting those days because I would be off work.

So yesterday he's in work, I've looked after kids all day by myself as usual (I'm part time). Get a text, he's going to be late home - standard. 11:30pm I go to sleep he's still not home. Wake up just now at 5:30 to empty bed beside him. Initial panic, text him he's fine, still in work. Jovial message about talking about the fecking A team with some chap Angry. I reply saying I might as well go to work today then and can he sort it with our usual childcare provider once it's a more reasonable hour.
I mean, I spend most days a week looking after 2 kids by myself, I don't need to use my very limited pro rata'd annual leave doing the same thing. With the added complication that we'd either have to creep about as he's sleeping or go out (kids are 4yrs and 1yr, I find it hard work doing day trips alone).

To slightly put his side forward, it's not the kind of job you can just walk out of at clocking off time if you're in the middle of something. OTOH you don't need to stay spanning 3 shifts, you can get things to a point of handover otherwise you'd be there forever. He could have left if he wanted, but my AL just wasn't a consideration.
He also insists he'll be 'ready' to go out with us by 11am.

AIBU to just go to work as usual at 8am and leave him to sort childcare?

Although, having said that it's now 6am and he's still not back.

OP posts:
Sarahisthename · 08/08/2017 08:42

Ah OP your last post indicates he's police ...?
Could it be that he needs to show willingness to do OT - knew he could when your at home... does he have to decline a lot of Ot because when you work.. I agree it's annoying but if he's newly promoted I suspect he feels he needs to prove himself.. hope you have a good day whatever you do

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 08:45

football that's probably what I'll do; put a shout out on the whatsapp if anyone's about.

I actually believe he'll set his alarm and get up at 11 and spend the day pretending he's not tired at all. But he's better off in bed. My initial 5am desire to make him pay has subsided, I'm still pissed off with him though.

I've just re-read and someone's suggestion to get him to take TOIL or AL is probably the most sensible solution, even though I do totally feel like getting a recorder and having a cutlery drawer instrumental session outside the bedroom door.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 08:46

*to take TOIL AL another day to make up for it that should say

OP posts:
jemimafuddleduck · 08/08/2017 08:46

OP I could tell immediately what job he's in. And preparing to be flamed... YABU. Well, not U exactly, but you need to suck it up. I've been there, in your position and his, and yes you CAN leave but sometimes it's just not that simple is it! Especially if he's recently promoted and trying to look good.
Please remember that as annoyed as you are, he will be shattered today.
Try to make the best of the day, you can still spend the afternoon/evening together.

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 08:51

jemima you are right (sigh). Thanks.

At least having a MN tantrum about it has prevented a real life row, hopefully I'll have got over the disappointment a bit more by this evening.

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 08/08/2017 08:53

YANBU. I'd be annoyed too, OP.

MrsBobDylan · 08/08/2017 08:54

I don't know what the answer is op, but I would be really, really annoyed. It just feels so dismissive of family time. I would also be worried that I couldn't trust him to commit to family time again, given how blatantly he's pissed all over it on this occasion. I would have to question how committed he is to his family life, sorry if that's not what you want to hear.
BrewCake for you

Skittlesss · 08/08/2017 08:54

I don't agree with the previous - if he is in the job then you are defo not being unreasonable. Working over happens all the time, but it's not that common to be forced to work a 22 hour shift. Even if he was going to CPS for a charge or putting together a HOP it wouldn't take that long. He obviously chose to stay on that long and that would piss me off. Especially if you're in the job yourself...you know this already.

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/08/2017 08:54

You should make him get up at 11 and if he has to pretend all day that he's not tired, them so be it.
If you let him sleep all day, you might as well have doormat stamped on your forehead.
Why would he change if you continue to facilitate him pulling this kind of stunt?
All very well him being a perfectionist at work, but this clearly means that you are very much lower down on the pecking order, such that he shows no respect for your plans or wishes. Suck this up at your peril!

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 08:55

It's more the fact that my leave is specifically the reason he's been able to pull this shift. If I hadn't have booked it he simply wouldn't have had the option.

OP posts:
Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 08:57

Longhairmightcare

That's really sad. For both of you.

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/08/2017 08:57

He knew why you booked this leave, that it was important to you and he just didn't give a fuck. He got what he wanted didn't he. And once again, you don't.

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 09:04

skittlesss CPS is exactly what's been blamed for the delay in him getting off 😏
He'd already done ~6 hours of OT by 11:30pm, I know he could have left at that point tbh.
The late finishes are frequent and par for the course and I'm honestly understanding pretty much all of the time.
But this time he's stayed ridiculously Over, I don't believe out of necessity, not only despite our plans but because of them (the fact he knew I'd be on leave, therefore available to look after DC).

OP posts:
Cakeycakecake · 08/08/2017 09:04

I hope you're able to have a good day anyway. I spend all day everyday with a one year old and four year old so I know exactly how you feel. I'm actually looking forward to taking my friends pet to the vet later (with kids and friend) just to get out.
Tedious is not the word. I love the kids but it's hard to find stuff to do that keeps both happy and show both enough attention.
I think tomorrow is a soft play day for my two. The joys of the holidays 🙄🙄

Penfold007 · 08/08/2017 09:05

Newly promoted police officer trying to make his mark whilst telling you very clearly that 'The Job' is more important than you, the children and your work.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/08/2017 09:07

Why would he choose to do the overtime though OP instead of wanting to spend today as a family like planned? Why wasn't the 6 hours OT last night enough?

I just don't know why he'd prefer to work 22 hours and ruin today instead of just coming home at 11.30pm last night and then spending today with you all like you'd arranged?

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 09:08

Yep me either writer Sad

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 08/08/2017 09:09

I think you're right OP and no, he didn't do this accidentally.

Whatever his job, he was only able to work overnight because OP had booked AL. He was quite able to leave work, he'd have done so if he had to, as on any other day.

He has lied to you. He has claimed your AL day as his own and spent it on doing overtime. He has decided that his wants for himself - his desire to be viewed a certain way at work - are more important than your wants for yourself and your family. He thinks he's more important than you.

Most people have to compromise career ambitions to some extent when they have a family. Most people don't lie, manipulate and blatantly take from their partner like this.

Incidentally, in many workplaces, his sort of presenteeism is perceived as poor time management (plus lack of a home life), not as ambition or in any way impressive.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 08/08/2017 09:12

Personally I'd take him to the attraction anyway and have a good time even if he's hanging. Leave with him and the kids this morning 8am. No sleep? What a shame. It was your choice DH.

hiveofactivity · 08/08/2017 09:13

The vast majority of part time roles are taken by women.
The vast majority of primary carers are women.

Men are very, very good at putting work first. Work is also frequently more rewarding and easier than looking after young children.

If you really need the money, then fair enough, maybe he has to no choice but to work lot of OT.
But otherwise he is very clearly sending the message that he'll parent when he feels like it. Knowing that you'll be there to do the lions share.

jemimafuddleduck · 08/08/2017 09:13

I worked a 22 hour shift last week, and the bulk of it was CPS. There was no way j could have left, there was no-one to give it to!
It is uncommon but it happens. I was exhausted for about 3 days afterwards.
It IS annoying and I'm not saying I wouldn't be seething too. But there's no point in PP saying "the job's more important to him than family time" - my job is NOT more important to me than family, but honestly in his situation I may well have done the same as him.

BTPlonker · 08/08/2017 09:13

I'm sorry but something doesn't add up here. I can't for the life of me think what he could have been doing all night if he was meant to finish at 5! Even the most complicated job doesn't take that long to deal with!

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 08/08/2017 09:13

Don't keep the kids quiet if he sleeps.

jemimafuddleduck · 08/08/2017 09:15

Right, Gosseberry Hmm'Cos that's mature

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2017 09:17

Op works there too, don't know in what capacity. Just for the inevitable "big man career" type comments