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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my annual leave is not for childcare for him to do OT

125 replies

Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 06:09

Everything seems worse at 5am so maybe I'm overreacting.

I've had today and tomorrow booked as A/L for about a month now to spend with DH & DDx2. DH works shifts that include weekends so full days off together are rare.

Last week DH said something about needing to do OT and maybe he'd do it Tuesday (today) or weds. I looked appalled 'reminded' him I'd booked leave those days and he backed off quickly, us both going along with the ruse he'd 'forgotten' this instead of specifically selecting those days because I would be off work.

So yesterday he's in work, I've looked after kids all day by myself as usual (I'm part time). Get a text, he's going to be late home - standard. 11:30pm I go to sleep he's still not home. Wake up just now at 5:30 to empty bed beside him. Initial panic, text him he's fine, still in work. Jovial message about talking about the fecking A team with some chap Angry. I reply saying I might as well go to work today then and can he sort it with our usual childcare provider once it's a more reasonable hour.
I mean, I spend most days a week looking after 2 kids by myself, I don't need to use my very limited pro rata'd annual leave doing the same thing. With the added complication that we'd either have to creep about as he's sleeping or go out (kids are 4yrs and 1yr, I find it hard work doing day trips alone).

To slightly put his side forward, it's not the kind of job you can just walk out of at clocking off time if you're in the middle of something. OTOH you don't need to stay spanning 3 shifts, you can get things to a point of handover otherwise you'd be there forever. He could have left if he wanted, but my AL just wasn't a consideration.
He also insists he'll be 'ready' to go out with us by 11am.

AIBU to just go to work as usual at 8am and leave him to sort childcare?

Although, having said that it's now 6am and he's still not back.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 08/08/2017 07:14

So, why do you think he booked OT on your planned day off together? Do you need the extra income or is he avoiding time with you and the children?

Autumnleaves105 · 08/08/2017 07:24

Op has childcare arrangements usually but as they planned to spend the day together she was cancelled for those 2 days.
He would not have normally worked that long and would have been home to spend time with op and the children. Op booked time off work specifically to do this but instead he decided he wanted to do overtime!
I would be really annoyed with my dh if this happened after planning time together.
Yanbu. Why couldn't he have just picked up and extra shift or 2 over next week rather than do it all in one night!
It's not fair on you on the kids that he's not stuck to the original plans you made and instead has used this time to go to work. He seems like he enjoys his job even though it's hard graft. But does he prefer to be at work than spend time with his family?
I hope you manage to get some sort of explanation!

ulmiedzaavquane · 08/08/2017 07:26

Yanbu to be massively pissed off with him. He is a first rate bastard for doing this when you specifically planned for today to be family time.

Unless I have misunderstood, you work part time and there are a number of week-days where you do not go into work?

So, the earliest opportunity he has, he needs to arrange a couple of days of his own Annual Leave to coincide with your non-working days so that you can have two family days without having to use any more of your own limited leave.

How often does he have days of solo childcare while you work? Does he actually know how much you need a break from that from time to time?

Zoflorabore · 08/08/2017 07:30

Confused too over the time at work.

Would his work even allow him to do so
many hours?

Is there anywhere at work for him to sleep?

I don't think it's wise if he does go out on so little sleep. Unfortunately I would write off today and plan tomorrow instead.

Nothing to stop you doing something local with the dc if you want to get out.

I do find it hard to understand when people say that they can't cope with multiple dc going out ( barring SN of course ) and I'm not putting these words in your mouth op though you have said something similar.

They are your dc, surely the little one will be in a buggy and it seems silly to waste your day by staying in.
Some people simply don't get why family time is so important and prioritise work instead.

Does he really like his job?

Best of luck for the day aheadFlowers

Writerwannabe83 · 08/08/2017 07:32

I would be really passed off too OP.

He knew you booked time off work so you could all spend time together as a family and then he deliberately does this. It's completely selfish and shows how little he appreciates your time or how valuable your AL time is.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 08/08/2017 07:44

Haven't rtft but why do you need to take AL to have a family day when you're pt? Wouldn't you just do it on a day you're already off and save your AL for emergencies/ childminder sickness etc?

HeebieJeebies456 · 08/08/2017 07:44

mmmmm....he was determined to do 'OT' on these dates no matter what.....and then he stays even longer.....
i'd be asking him who he's shagging at work!

grasspigeons · 08/08/2017 07:45

I'd be upset if my partner stayed at work on the annual leave I'd booked to spend time with him (as I get plenty of time with the kids)
I think the best solution is to just have a really nice time and let him join you later if he wants to. Then at another time ask if everything is ok as you'd booked leave to be with him and he seemed to avoid you?

sixinthebedandthelittleonesaid · 08/08/2017 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/08/2017 07:50

Haven't rtft but why do you need to take AL to have a family day when you're pt? Wouldn't you just do it on a day you're already off?

I imagine it's because the family time has had to be arranged to fit around her DH's hours and so because he had these two days off she booked two days of AL so she could be at home too whereas normally they would have been days she'd have to be at work.

SafeToCross · 08/08/2017 08:05

Thinking practically, can you do something you and dc will enjoy in town during the day (pottery painting, national trust etc) then go out for a meal, bowling or cinema tonight with dh? Obvs needs a discussion/row at a later point, but let the dust settle first and make the most of the day?

MsVestibule · 08/08/2017 08:10

I would be really pissed off with him! Does he normally try to avoid family days off?

I am completely baffled by some of the responses on here - nowhere has she said that she can't cope with her kids, just that she wants a family day. I can cope with my children perfectly well but I enjoy days out far more when DH is with us.

Also, work as a team??? They had an agreement and her DH decided that that isn't want he wanted to do after all, so unilaterally changed the plans.

OP, I don't know what you can do about it. You value time spent as a family and he doesn't 😕.

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 08:10

Sorry had to get up with kids feed them etc. OH is back now and asleep in bed.

Thank you very much to stealthpolarbear for accurately summarising the situation, every of their responses is spot on. Particularly im guessing if OP hadnt booked time off he would have to be back for childcare reasons This is the crux. He could only do this because he knew I was in leave.

So yes, he was in work for 22 hours by the time he came back. Work will quite merrily -facilitate- let this happen.

For the person outraged that I 'wanted' him to do a night shift then 'expected' him go on a day out. No.
I wanted him to finish work at 5pm as per shift, come home help me do bedtime, have the lasagne I'd made, watch GOT, go to bed, wake up and go on a family day out as has been the plan when I booked my AL for the very purpose a month ago.

Trying to address all the queries while LO's eat.
The person confused as to why I do t want to spend a days annual leave (AL) doing the same thing I'd be doing anyway (looking after kids by myself) Confused it's a bit of a busmans holiday that don't you think?

There was no question of not letting him sleep - that's why I'm so pissed off, I'll just be alone with kids all day. i actually do go on days out with the kids all the time, more often than not in fact. It's not the same as having DH with you. I maintain that it's harder work and not as enjoyable on your own.

Need to clear up breakfast dishes now x

OP posts:
Springishere0 · 08/08/2017 08:11

zigzag uhh maybe because OP might fancy some time off work? How many emergencies do you have a year that you need to save all your AL for? Hmm

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 08:14

Oh no I put a x on a MN post [horror] soz huns Wink

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 08/08/2017 08:18

Do you need the over time money?
Do you see his wageslips and do they show overtime?

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 08:19

OP

You haven't answered why your DH had to do the OT?

tallfox · 08/08/2017 08:20

Yes, but why has he done this, is money tight? or does he not want to spend time with you all?

Headofthehive55 · 08/08/2017 08:20

Could you arrange something fir tomorrow that doesn't include you, or him. E.g. He has to take the kids out because you have been called back into work, or you plan to do something without him, on your own, perhaos shopping. Make him pay or he will do it again.

lionsleepstonight · 08/08/2017 08:28

The crux of this is do you need the money (to me). If finances are right then maybe he felt he had to do the OT? When things were tight for us my OH did any available OT even if it meant we ended up like ships that pass in the night and family days out were sacrificed for the £££££.

Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 08:29

Yes sorry. The reason. It's a combo of things.

Not the money, it comes in handy when he does it but it's not essential to keep the household afloat.
He's recently promoted, trying to prove self.
He's highly conscientious, every task dealt with asap, every i dotted and t crossed. He gets anxious if there are things left hanging.
I work for the same organisation it's fast moving and things happen spontaneously you can easily lose 5hours to a job without it necessarily feeling that long.
Probably a little bit of 'I'm so important I neeeeed to be here combined with slight martyrdom about it if being totally honest.

When he is home he's a family man and good dad I'm not going to totally crucify him on that point, however in this particular instance he's been a right nob, hopefully more thoughtless than deliberate and I can't help feeling quite bitter about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longhairmightcare · 08/08/2017 08:33

We have satellite premises (work) around the region, and I know he's got the door code and sneaks in to our local station (not where he's based) to log on and do stuff when He's taken the baby for a walk in the pram to get her to nap, once she's fallen asleep.
So a certain amount of it is pressure of work.

OP posts:
ireallydontlikefootball · 08/08/2017 08:34

Could you ring a friend to go out with instead? Someone who has dc too perhaps?

Skittlesss · 08/08/2017 08:38

Is he a cop?

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 08:40

If he's in the police, then I think the "need" to do OT is most likely due to the shitload of extra work the police force are having to do at the moment with particular regards to Mopeds, Terror and Protestors.

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