AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Ah thank you Ghengi My MH is fine
I've explained I was over sensitive.
She told me she "could could see why it was the the right thing to do", and she'd "definitely want her daughter to terminate", and wouldn't want someone as young as me "wasting their life"
She's really middle class but was likely trying her best to relate to me and offer help,

Take your dp out of the equation, if you had to make the choice by yourself what would you chose? It's your body, your carrying the baby it's not just his choice, really it's not his choice at all. Do what you feel is right, not what he feels is right. Going it alone isn't that hard (single mum of 2 speaking).

To be fair i was likely oversensitive at the GP

One more reason for her not to give you her opinion on what you should or shouldn't do.

All she has to do is present you with the options and give a medical (not personal) opinion.

Don't blame yourself for her screw up.

You relationship won't survive this, especially if you can't go on to never have another baby.

So do what you want to, which is to have your baby.

I'd report your GP, it is ridiculous to tell a 26 year old Woman to abort. She knows that there is a percentage of Women who wouldn't go on to get pregant and a large amount who don't get carry a baby past 30. If you are settled then there is no different to being pregnant at 26, than there is at 36, except once your children are Adults, you'll have more time to yourself again whilst still young enough to enjoy it.

You were thinking you were infertile and considering ivf in future. ..

You naturally become pregnant. ..

For God's sake....this is what you (both of you) wanted. ...

Have the baby...unless you really really have changed your minds over wanting kids...

There is never an optimal time for kids...

BTW I think your dp is being a cockwomble chopping and changing his mind ...over such a major decision .

It sounds to me like he does want it but his fear is getting the better of him. If YOU want this baby you need to sit him down and tell him "I AM having this baby either way, I want us to do this together and I thing deep down you do too, but that is up to you."

If your partner vanished in a puff of smoke, had never existed, was not a factor at all, what would you want to do? Because that is what you should do.

It's absolutely not unheard of for men to become abusive towards their partners during pregnancy. There was a whole section about in my maternity notes. And forcing you to have a termination that you don't want is abusive.

This is your body and your pregnancy and you are the only person who has any right to decide. If you want to keep the baby, there will be support for you. If not, make sure it is truly YOUR decision.

I'm so, so sorry for you OP.
You are choosing a late termination for the sake of this controlling man.
Your son or daughter will be with you for life and bring you joy. This man probably will not be with you for long, because the emotional stress of having the abortion is going to affect you both.
I can see you in a few years without either DP or child, and regretting your choice.

I'm about as pro-choice as it is possible to be but I cannot imagine any circumstances where having an unwanted termination at 19 weeks would be anything other than deeply traumatic for you.

It doesn't sound like you get anything out of this relationship now. Tantrums, zero emotional support, and he costs you money. Please reach out to your Mum, you need to be around someone who loves you and cares about your welfare, not someone who can't think beyond his own wants.

And he gets no say in this, despite what other posters tell you. He won't even go with you to your appointment, or let you seek other support, because he knows he will be shown up for the abusive shit that he is. He is only thinking about what is best for him, so you need to do the same and think about what is best for you.

*Our decision is made? What decision? he has said that you should abort and also that can't. Also that he will support you etc etc.

He is giving such mixed messages and being unsupportive. Has he attended any scans with you? Have you announced your pregnancy ? you must be showing.

I would be sitting down with him for a big conversation, he owes you that. if you are considering buying a 2nd property, talking about life plans etc etc then he can talk about his baby!

If he can't do that I would be telling him that you are having a baby, his baby and that he needs to take some responsibility. In saying that he won't come with you to a late termination almost makes it seem like he is ashamed or something? Have you any thoughts on why that might be?

Talk to your Mum, enjoy your pregnancy, you will never get this time back. If you break up then you may qualify for tax credits, you will qualify or child benefit and he will need to pay child support. You won't have to cover his bills. You will be better off than you are now.

If he says that he is on board with "our little person" then bring him to a scan (you can book private if you have already your 20 week scan), get him to announce it to people important to him (family, friends etc) go out and look at baby stuff together, suggest that he will need to increase his hours at work to contribute to the family. If he won't do any of this then he isn't on board. You won't be alone, you will have your little baby, you will make new Mum friends and being a teacher means that you will only ever need term time care.

Not one single thing you have written makes me think there is any reason for staying with this man regardless of whether you have a baby or not.

You don't want a late, traumatic abortion. You have fertility issues. You wanted a baby.

You have a job which can be adapted to let you work during the early years (supply/tutoring/job share etc if f-t teaching is too mcuh with a little one, although plenty of teachers do it). When they're bigger you'll have a job that lets's you spend Christmas and summer holidays with your child.

Go home to your mum for the summer. Make a new plan. Have your baby. Block this man from your new, amazing life. Keep your own money.

I would report the GP fr a comment like that, I am 28 and pregnant with my second child, it is not 'wasting your life' it is very worth while, difficult, but very rewarding. If you want the baby and feel you can do this do it. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do with your body!

I'm confused by your responses OP. You keep talking like the termination is a foregone conclusion and DP won't come with you because he's a coward as well as an arsehole

Is it?

What are you going to do? What do you WANT to do?

RING YOUR MUM AND TELL HER EVERYTHING

I can't imagine what she means, saying that having a baby at 26 is throwing your life away. You have a steady job as a teacher, you'll get maternity leave and can go back to work. One of the teachers at my DDs' school is about your age, she's on maternity leave and will be coming back. What decade is this GP in?

I'm bringing up 2 school age DDs in my late 40s, OP, and the reason I am in this situation is because I married in my early 30s, couldn't conceive and went through unsuccessful IVF and then a lengthy adoption process.

I'd have loved to be your age when starting. It's a lot more tiring looking after children in your 40s! (I love my DDs though!!)

I really can't understand why having a baby at 26 would be classed as wasting your life? Very very odd comment from the gp.

Ring your mum now.

Your DP is doing the classic abuser/controller behaviour of isolating you from RL support because it is "disloyal" to him. But how loyal and supportive is he being to you? He is trying to get you to make a lifechanging decision in a bubble so that he can coerce you

You really want the baby - so stop subsidising your DP and start putting that £500 away for your baby

I'm so sorry you are going through this emotional turmoil.
Have your sweet little baby, it may be your only chance, you won't regret it, but you might regret your choice of husband.😡
I'm not here to flame you, just wanted to offer you a hand hold, and tell you, that whatever you decide, do it for you ! 🌺

Keep the baby. Don't be pushed into anything you don't want. You want this baby and it would be horrific for you to terminate at this late stage. Look after yourself and baby.

Please please please don't have an abortion. If you wanted one you would have done it already. You've been to scans and known about this a long time now. If you go ahead with the procedure then it will live with you forever as you are not 100% for having an abortion. Any doubt (IME) means you shouldn't have the procedure.

My GP is a Christian surgery and would have never condoned it anyway so I am really shocked your GP voiced her own opinions. You're 26 not a child. I was 23 and I felt young but it was the best decision of my life. 5 years and 2 houses, 1 marriage and a sibling for my first born. No regrets.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I hope you make the right choice for YOU

Laude is right, tell him to increase his hours now as you need to be putting that money in savings for the baby, not supporting him anymore.

I am speechless reading about this agree with others that GP needs reporting. Please speak with your mum NOW. Please try to understand that a late termination will change your life for ever. It will screw up your mental health for ever. You will never stop thinking about that baby and what might have been.

With regards to your GP. If you are presenting your partners fluctuating wishes as your own, then I am not surprised this course of action has been suggested.

Our decision has not been made, his has. The more you talk about him the less he sounds like a keeper. He throws a tantrum if he doesn't get his own way and here he is setting you up so there is no winning for you. No matter which option you choose he will use it as a weapon to beat you with whenever he doesn't get his own way. He is panicking because he sees all that money you give him being sucked up by a baby.

Don't think about him at all.
Do you want this baby? It sounds like you really do.
Could you live with having an abortion and then finding you are sterile and no intervention will help? Really think about that one, very hard.

You have a job and a mortgage, you can do this financially on your own. Emotionally you will have other family members. You are in a much better position than you think.

As far as he is concerned, thank him for the gift he has given you of a much wanted child and return what is quite frankly a cock lodger back to the sea whilst you breathe a sigh of relief at the lucky escape you had. Honestly OP he is a low level abuser at the moment and he will step this up if you keep him, no matter what decision you make.

Abortions this late in the pregnancy are usually down to problems with the baby that weren't picked up previously, or because the mother didn't realise she was pregnant. It's such an invasive, traumatic procedure. You have to be seen my experts and state your reasons for not going ahead with the pregnancy.
Not just because your OH has changed his mind.
And I'm sorry but this should have been done weeks and weeks ago if that was what you wanted. Not now. Please reconsider. You have options.

. Your partner is an abusive bastard. No one does the things he's done to someone they love. The only thing you need to decide is do YOU want a baby? If you do, keep it, and leave your partner (he's no good for you; you deserve much better). He gets no say in this whatsoever as it's not his body.