AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

He's a cunt. He has just been horrific to you. Leave the bastard and have your baby. You and him are not meant to be and you deserve far better than that wanker. I am so angry that there are men like this.

Please, please don't do this.

The GP in general should not be your point of call for counselling over this issue.

Your GP in particular is dis graceful, comparing your situation to someone she knows and telling a 26 year old woman she would want her same age daughter to have an abortion is horrific! You are 26 with a good job, a mortgage and savings for duck sake!!

Your (can't bring myself to say dear) partner should NOT BE WITH YOU when making this decision, as men can put pressure on the situation and steer the conversation and outcome toward their,wants. IT IS NOT HIS DECISION IT I'S ONLY YOURS.

Please OP. You clearly want this baby, it doesn't matter if you have to leave this selfish cunt pathetic excuse for a man, you know that this is not what you want. You know you have fertility issues and your chances of conceiving naturally are low. You are really quite far along already.

Please don't do this, please get some proper support from an aboriom service without,you thundercunt partner there, I sense how out of control of this situation you feel and it's making me sick and tearful for you. Please don't abort your child at the whim of someone else. It will be carried with you for life.

You will never ever feel the same way about your OH again whatever you choose to do. It sounds to me that you will deeply regret a termination and are only considering it because that is what he wants.

Take him out of the equation because if you do it for him you may never forgive either of you. You must do what is best for you.

Has he actually given a reason why he doesn't want you to keep the pregnancy?
Why does the GP have the impression you would be "throwing your life away" if you carried on the pregnancy? Was your DP there when you had that conversation?
Perhaps she thinks having a baby with him is throwing your life away!
You can't parent with someone who has no backbone. I think you will have to seriously be prepared to go solo on this but there is no way you could have a late termination under duress or to meet your DP's needs.
I really feel for you, what a disappointment he is proving to be.
Oh, and tell him to work full time, not 29 hours as you shouldn't be letting him off the hook by subsidising him!

I didn't want to say this earlier but I feel so strongly about this because the friend I mentioned up thread ended up attempting suicide 2 years after the termination. Thank god she didn't succeed. However she was never able to have more children and although she is in a much better place now I know this is the biggest regret of her life

Your "partner" has a serious problem.

Your GP's advice was questionable too -- she should not be telling you what she'd want her daughter to do: what has her daughter got to do with it?

I am so sorry you've been dumped in it like this. I really think you need to get well AWAY from your partner as a tippy-top priority.

Here's some

I feel like once again I have to ask (as I do most days at some point on mumsnet): why are you with this man??

He sounds awful. Do you not realise that you could find nicer men to spend your life with??

I haven't read all the replies yet ( god I hate saying that!) but just wanted to share my experience with you.
After fertility testing, and years of trying (having been told we had only a 10% chance of conceiving naturally) I fell pregnant.
Complete shock for us both. Last thing we were expecting. Hubby shaken up, but strong for us both.
If he had suggested at that stage I should abort this baby, I would have kicked him in the knackers, and run as fast as my little pregnant legs would carry me.
No chance I would have lost this baby. None at all.
You sound like you want this child. Do you want to risk never having a child of your own because DH isn't ready? Are you ready?
Because at the end of the day you need to make the right decision for you.

you poor thing. Sending virtual hugs. Your dp doesn't sound very nice

This is not the story of a decent man who made it clear that he did not want to become a father.

This is about a massive, massive coward who has been changing his mind every 5 minutes and whose main insistence is that the OP must not ask any support of him (like coming with her to the abortion) but also must not get support from anybody else because it would make him look bad.

The OP is now faced with the trauma of a very late abortion far from home without any support from anybody because all that matters is that nothing must be difficult for him.

TheNightMan is right here, OP: you really need to think through the future. Be practical. If this man is going to be part of it, then he really needs to become a man. You cannot live the whole rest of your life on the basis that he must be sheltered from all difficulties but nobody must ever notice. Life is hard. Hard things come. A relationship means standing side by side against difficulties. Is this the man who will stand by you?

I was waiting for IVF as I couldn't conceive naturally due to physical reproductive problems but, I somehow conceived naturally. My gorgeous Ds that (ex)p told me to 'get rid of' will be 19 this week. I brought him up alone and I am very proud of him and can't imagine life without him. I would never have forgiven myself if I'd terminated because his father didn't want a baby.

OP, make your own decision but, it's possibly your one chance at motherhood with your own child. Good luck.

Please, please don't abort your baby. You obviously want it. Your GP is out of order to tell you that they think you should abort - you should not, unless you really want to, and you clearly don't.

Your partner is being cruel. He says the decision has been made, does he? Well, perhaps it has. Can you tell him that yes, the decision has been made and you will be having the baby, with or without his blessing.

Please, don't go through with this at his say so. You can do this alone, of course you can. You may not be able to have another one, I think IVF won't be an option, as you've managed to get pregnant naturally, and if you were to have an abortion, I think you would have to pay for any treatment, rather than getting it on the NHS.

You can do this. You want to do this.

Please, please do not abort OP - not because i am anything other than pro-choice byut because you don't want to! You will never get over it under those circumstances.

Get real life support, get away from your abusive husband and focus on the fact that you, who thought it was impossible, are going to have a baby! A beautiful baby of your own.

If you go ahead with the termination, how would you feel in the future if you were never able to conceive again? I think this is a very important issue you need to think about. Also having a termination when you clearly don't want to, but being forced to do it for someone else is going to be extremely traumatizing and damaging for you. Your DP clearly has no intention of supporting you with the termination that HE wants you to have, that doesn't bode well for the future at all. You have no need to feel bad, or guilty or responsible for your DP's inability to deal with this situation, do what is right for you!

Please don't abort your baby. You'll regret it. The only voice you need to listen to is yours. Yes having a baby on your own is tough but I'll bet your partner would cause more stress than support.

Speak to your mum. I know people hate this on mumsnet but seriously sending you a hug.

It does not matter what the right or wrong thing is only what YOU want, and I think you want a baby

Your DP wants there never to have been a baby which is not going to happen

But read about your relationship, you cover him 300-500 a month, he tantrums until you give in and he has so alienated you from the idea of your needs that not once have you considered what you want

Poor you

You need to put yourself first. If you think that a baby is what you want, then make that decision, Don't be forced into a termination and a late abortion is particularly distressing. I doubt you will be together after this whatever you decide and he certainly doesn't sound worthy of you. Don't settle for an arse, you deserve better

This is your choice and yours alone, but I think it's clear from your posts that you want to keep this baby.

I am appalled by the nasty, underhand tricks he is using to get his own way. He is encouraging you to have the abortion but at the same time keeping enough distance that whatever choice you make is your 'fault' and he can't be blamed. The fact that he refuses to accompany you and support you through such a life changing procedure is absolutely despicable and speaks volumes about his character. Ask yourself this, would you even be contemplating an abortion right now if it wasn't for his behaviour?

Please, please, please speak to your mum or anyone in real life and I think their reactions will give you some real perspective. I'm so very sorry you're going through this, but I think in the long run you will be glad you found out now what he's like. You may have to raise this child alone, but I think that is far better than a lifetime with this spineless scumbag.

DP wont entertain any idea of talking about it. "Our descision has been made"

I've been on here for 6 months or so, and I'm giving you my first LTB!

This guy seems to have no redeeming features at all. I just can't see how (and why!) you can have a long term worthwhile relationship with someone like this- he's cruel, selfish, immature, controlling and needs financially supporting by you.

Tell him that the decision HAS been made, and you're having the baby, and he needs to leave your home (you said it's your mortgage) immediately and to let you know when (and if) he wants to discuss anything about the future. If he does want to meet, do it in a public place.

Do not be railroaded into agreeing to anything that you are not totally comfortable about! A good phrase is " I'll give that some thought, and get back to you with my decision"

Tell him to get some debt counselling and consolidate his debts that he can pay back. Believe me, you'll need the money you are currently giving to him, for you and your baby.

Tell everyone about the pregnancy and enjoy it!

BTW I went through pregnancy on my own and raised my daughter by myself. Best decision of my life! She's 18 now, a lovely positive young woman who starts university next month.

This might be your only chance. You sound like you really want to keep it

Fuck the rest. You will be fine. It might be a difficult road to take at first but that is just temporary and you will be fine!

OP, do you have a good relationship with your mum? Have you spoken to her?

Op this is one of those times when you need to put yourself first. You clearly want to keep this baby. Dont mix this decision up with trying to please your partner.

I've not read the full thread but here's my view.

You do not have to have anabortion, it's your choice to do whatever you feel comfortable with. Personally I don't know if I could myself but if in a tough situation I would definitely think about and consider it. I'm basically pro choice and have no judgements on either way anyone chooses.

In short if you want to keep it that is wntirely your choice and you have vey right to make whichever choice you want.

I also can slightly understand his feelings on this even though I agree his approach is quite cruel but could be coming from panic. I understand but I don't condone his delivery of his feeings.

This must be hard for him because he has no say he knows he can't force you to do anything so I feel he is trying to cover his basis if either choice leads to distress or upset.

It's also extremely hard for you because you have all the choice and decision making to do. Along with all the pressure for things to go perfectly.

If you do not feel comfortable having an abortion then don't do it. Even if your husband chooses to leave you etc do not feel any guilt because you have to think of yourself first. Don't have an abortion just to keep him unless you know you will be ok with terminating. It's hard and you could lose him and he is entitled to feel how he does, but you have to make this decision for yourself and your feelings.

It's tough and I hope you manage to figure out what you want and feel completely happy with your decision before doing it.

He may end up loving the baby if you decide to keep and he was just panicking, or he could leave and possibly stay in your child's life or give up contact altogether. Either way you will have made the decision that suits you and how you would feel and that should be enough for you to handle things on your own.

I hope I've made sense, this has to be your choice and as sad as it may be for him you have to take only your feelings into account in order to make a decision you won't regret.

Good luck.

Please, unless there are strong medical reasons for you to abort so late in your pregnancy, and YOU decide you want to abort, terminate your relationship, not your pregnancy. Given your gyanaecological circumstances and that you have been considering the options of IVF or adoption, as others have said, it is unlikely you would be able to conceive again naturally and as you clearly want this baby, I think it would have a worse effect on you to end the pregnancy than to end your current relationship.
I can't believe what your GP said, either. Please do talk to your mum or a close friend or sister about this, before taking your final decision. Many years ago, I went into hospital because of a leaking placenta at 19 weeks, but my baby died, so I had to go into labour at 22 weeks. It was horrible. From what you say, I think you want your baby as much as I wanted mine, so please don't put yourself through this. It's traumatic mentally and physically at such a late stage for someone who chooses it of their own volition - your posts scream out that you are being forced to do something against your will.
I wish you all the best of luck with your decision and will be here to hold your hand either way.