AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

I think you need to consider that whatever you choose your relationship might not survive the choice. You have to put the focus on what you want and it sounds like you want to keep the baby. Go and speak to your mum. It isn't about making him look bad, you need to be able to discuss your options with someone who loves and supports you.

OP time to stop doing whatever your 'D'P wants to keep him happy!

Your happiness matters, start pleasing yourself especially now

Do not go through with a late term abortion to keep this selfish man
He won't even support you through it or the current pregnancy. You will need support no matter what choice you make.
But honestly he seems to want this pregnancy ended and out of sight out of mind never to be mentioned again.

Can you live like that giving up a baby you thought you never could have for the grand 'prize' of this disgrace of a man.
Is he worth the resentment and regret?
He'll be unsupportive afterwards too I bet.
You'll have no one to talk through the aftermath of an abortion with especially when its not actually one you'll have wanted.

How will you feel in 2019 if ivf doesn't work or its not affordable or your partner yet again changes his mind and messes with your emotions again?

Make your final choice which very much seems to be keep your baby and tell your partner firmly and assertively of your choice. Then let him decide if he wants in or out. Do not let him control your emotions any further.

Celebrate this chance possibly only chance & tell friends tell family and get on with planning this unexpected baby.

How is this even a choice

It sounds like he was happy with the idea of a baby that was pretty well unobtainable, but now there is a real one, he is bricking it. Since you are subbing his debts, it sounds very much as if he cannot cope with the realisation that he will have to step up and become not only responsible for himself but for a new person. You will have to spend your time and money on someone else who has a greater priority.

All this talk of abortion, then oh no it is a person is him trying to get rid of the responsibility, but feeling guilt about it. He is not thinking of you and what this means for you or what you would have to go through to achieve it for him. He is not being a partner.

He needs to grow up big time. He needs to realise this and actually do it. Some people manage it. Meantime, I would be doing what other posters have said and get my ducks in a row for single parenthood, and get some rl support.

If you go through with it make sure he's in the room with you.

Your partner is being a twat.

There's no way you should terminate, given the fact you were told you could not have children this baby is a miricale and could be your only chance to have a child naturally?

He either needs to get a grip and grow up or you need to get rid and bring the baby up with out him.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way x

He doesn't want to go so he can't be the bad guy.

What does he actually 'do' for you ? You could do so much more

Sorry not helpful but he is beyond disgraceful

To be forced into an abortion is always appalling, but especially when so late. Please don't feel compelled to do that if it's not what you want. I can only imagine how dreadful that would be.
Go to your mum or whoever else will support you. He doesn't deserve you. Single parenthood is not easy, but I now look back on my single parenting years and mostly just remember how rewarding it was and how much love there was in our house. Obviously it was hard at the time but don't be afraid, many of us get through it and raise lovely children, and so can you if this is what you choose.

As someone who has gone through a termination at 11/12 weeks, I can guarantee that you will be asked if you have been pressurised into having the termination. What would your response be?

Yes, go and stay with your mum. Talk to her and other people in RL, ideally including your GP or midwife.

Also, stop financially subsidising him immediately. You will need that money.

I never say this but please make him leave. If you want to work on your relationship, fine; only you can judge whether this a paniced situation (still doesn't reflect brilliantly on his core self though) or whether it's a deal breaker; but honestly coping with the hurricane of a change your baby will bring will be so hard and traumatic with his issues clouding it all.

I don't detect any trace of you not wanting your baby so stop thinking about it. It isn't an option or even a consideration. Your partner needs to leave and sort his head out away from you, you're not the person who could or should be supporting him through this, you've your own head to sort out and physically you need to take care of yourself above everything else.

I'm not advising this lightly, he sounds damaging. It may be a momentary blip or he may need some sort of help, but you shouldn't be exposed to it.

Don't bring your child home to someone who can flip a switch and resent they're existence for no reason.

Just to echo what everyone has said. Do not be forced into doing something you don't want to do.

If you want a family, which it sounds like you do, keep the baby and plan on single parenthood.

Your relationship will not survive if you have a termination so you need to decide what you want. Baby or no baby as you will be single.

Plus I think that you will never have a long standing relationship with a man who has pressurised you into having a late abortion. No way.

Namechanged.
Well sweetheart, I'd like to reach into the Internet and give you a big hug.
What a very difficult position to be in, and being pregnant isn't the best time to deal with trauma.
Perhaps your partner is just scared.
Here's the thing. You need to imagine that he won't be around and that you will be bringing up baby with out him.
Would that be ok? Are you able to do that ? Do you want to do that?
If that's all ok then , go ahead, turn to family and friends and crack on.

If not then you need to book the termination and get the support of your mum or somebody else you can rely on 100%.

What I hope is that you decide you can have your baby, as it sounds like you want him or her, and that your partner steps up when his panic subsides.
But if that doesn't happen you need to either be ready to bring up baby without partner , or to terminate.
Good luck my dear. I wish you well. X

It sounds very clear that you wish to keep the baby. For whatever reason he is behaving like an utter idiot, that may change or may not but as others have said it certainly sounds like you would be more than capable of managing alone.
It's a bit of a scary prospect but I and millions of others have done it in less financially and career stable conditions.

I think I would be blunt with him, you tell him what you want and if it's not a situation that he wishes to take part in he can exit out the door.

He may just have the total and utter fear and be amazing when the baby is here and very regretful of his actions however it sounds like this is a pregnancy that for you was hard to gain and I wouldn't take the chance to lose it.

Good luck, what a shame such a happy event has turned into a massive emotional stress.

Ok so you're subbing him, keeping his dirty little secret - which by the way is wonderful news and not a dirty secret at all, in fact it's an all out miracle you've conceived naturally given your circumstances - and he expects you to make it all go away by terminating what he's already acknowledged is a person already??

I just wanna put this out there- it's not ok!! This is cruel and twisted behaviour that is abusive.

You don't need him. Believe me, I've two kids as a single parent and I manage perfectly well. It's hard at times, I won't pretend it's all a bed of roses, but I wouldn't change my life for a thing.

Ditch the arsehole, save the hundreds per month for your amazing little baby and look forward to life as a mummy. It's truly the most wonderful thing you'll ever do.

Ignore posters who are telling you what to do. It's so unhelpful to call your partner a 'cunt' or equally insulting term.

Final decision is yours because it's your body, but your partner does have a say because the baby is 50% his DNA.
If he really doesn't want it (I think he is scared and confused and rather immature), then you should bear that in mind and think about the future.

Don't blame him for not wanting it - you wouldn't be blamed for not wanting to keep it. Better he is honest now than a crappy unengaged and reluctant father.

You're in a tough place.
Listen to your head, not your heart. This is a very serious decision, so needs proper rational judgement. Take the emotion out of it and do what's best for you and him.
If would always be hard on yourself for having a termination, then don't have one. However, make sure you have it for the right reasons.

Good luck OP

Plus he doesn't like you very much for saying such things to you.

No one can predict the future, especially when it comes to children. But if you want to keep this pregnancy to full term then the future is up to you.

I'm an absolute mess the thought of such a late termination pulls me apart

Then please don't have one. Honestly, nothing you have said suggests that you really want a termination.

Ignoring everything else, if you really wanted an abortion, yourself, for you, then you would have done it already. Late abortions if not for medical reasons are rarely because the woman really wanted an abortion but didn't bother to sort it out yet. I know a couple of women who've had abortions at 1 weeks and they don't regret them at all, but both circumstances were because they were felt forced into keeping the babies they didn't want. They ran away and eventually got abortions. To be having a late abortion for someone else is not something you'll come back from so easily if it's a baby you actually want. Forget about the man and everything else, if under other circumstances you'd have this baby then that's your answer. You may not get another chance.

This is just a random thought and don't know if it is policy but surely if you have chosen to have an abortion then you won't be entitled to IVF on the NHS?

I don't think, I'll do it if he comes with me is the right way to approach this. That is a terrible way to make decisions.

He sounds like a Cock.

You need to make this decision, not mumsnet, but of course we can all send you hugs and good wishes.

I agree with Neutrogena, no point in name calling. Your DP sounds like a very confused and scared person, who probably also needs support. Can you go to see your GP together?