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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

737 replies

Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 09:44

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
greylove · 08/08/2017 11:11

The question is do you want this baby ?
it's your body Not one person should pressure you if your in doubt talk to someone

mooninscorpio · 08/08/2017 11:32

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this Flowers

I think you my find reading this thread helpful

Please give me advice. (sensitive subject) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/whatwoulddyoudo/2842325-Please-give-me-advice-sensitive-subject

fartsinbed · 08/08/2017 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sweetheartyparty76 · 08/08/2017 12:07

I couldn't get past his refusal to come with me especially as it is him that really wants it. It would kill all the love I had for him.
I've had a late abortion due to lethal fetal abnormalities and it was incredibly painful and traumatic. We were also told that we were unlikely to conceive naturally just a few months before. I prayed that I would get pregnant naturally again but it never happened again though we did conceive naturally via ivf. We were very lucky.
Do what you want to do not what he wants.

Sluttybartfast · 08/08/2017 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 08/08/2017 12:31

It's a GF.

hiphopcat · 08/08/2017 12:32

My opinion is that abortion is murder and that it should never be an option, but that's just my opinion

FFS the OP HAS SAID SHE IS NOT TERMINATING!!!!!!!!!

Where the fuck are these people coming from on this last few pages of this thread?!

And saying just my opinion doesn't make your views any less cuntish! Hmm

Mittens1969 · 08/08/2017 12:43

Thankfully mumsnet are deleting these awful posts! Sorry you're having to cope with abuse on here, OP. Just focus on the vast majority of supportive posters.

Really, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Minkyfluffster · 08/08/2017 12:50

Hello name change, I hope that you had a nice evening with your parents and the Mumsnet massive all here to support you are helping you to see things clearly.

Ignore the haters that haven't read the thread.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 08/08/2017 13:03

Hi NameChange - have you spoken to your parents yet? Once you share your news with your Mum and Dad you can move to feeling excited about your pregnancy, rather than this awful situation your Partner's put your through for the last few months.

Elendon · 08/08/2017 13:06

You have every right not to go through with with pregnancy. Every right.

However, you do want to keep this pregnancy going, but can't see beyond the awful situation with your horrible partner.

I do hope you get the support you so desperately need from your parents.

Maccapacca88 · 08/08/2017 13:29

Hope you are okay today, OP. Please ignore the opinionated idiots on this thread. The vast majority of us seem to only wish you well and want to offer support. I do hope you come back to update us as I'm sure many of us wish to back you, whatever you decide!

CherriesInTheSnow · 08/08/2017 13:38

Hope you are okay today OP, hope you have spoken to your parents and are being looked after. It's time (although it must be hard in the midst of it all) to try and take a day or two to just relax, not contact your baby's father, and take some time for yourself Flowers

cakeandteajustforme · 08/08/2017 14:26

Well done OP on getting your head around the baby and telling you parents. Hope it goes well.

Just a thought for your 'D'P, I wonder how well educated he is on the topic of foetuses. Maybe it would be useful to send him some links to how big, well developed, and having their own character babies are even at this age. And that babies can survive outside from 23/24 weeks. Just to ram home what he is asking of you. This is only really useful if you care what he thinks -otherwise a simple 'I'm keeping the baby' with no further engagement is fine - but if you want to keep a dialogue open, getting him clued up on what's going on inside your body might be helpful to get some empathy from him?

cakeandteajustforme · 08/08/2017 14:26

Around the baby

user1499333856 · 08/08/2017 14:45

Your relationship probably won't survive a termination now. Some do but not in these circumstances.

Do you want the baby OP?

Your partner sends mixed signals. He may come round. He may not. This is now about what you want.

lazycrazyhazy · 08/08/2017 15:21

Thinking of you OP.

DreamingofItaly · 08/08/2017 18:09

Thinking of you OP. Ignore the twatters on here. The majority of us MNers are all here to support you CakeFlowers

BaDumShh · 08/08/2017 19:44

How has today been, OP?

CheerfulYank · 08/08/2017 19:55

Best of luck OP.

The thing is, this is who he's going to be. You know?

Life is full of ups and downs and crisises of one kind and another. Life throws unexpected shit at you all the time. Deaths in the family, sudden lost jobs, illnesses, broken down cars, house issues, children with addiction issues or illness or special needs or...oh, the list goes on.

Even if you do terminate (which you don't want to) and somehow stay together, this is WHO HE IS. He will think of himself first and foremost in any situation where the shit is hitting the fan. That's not the kind of partner you or anyone needs. Giving up a baby you want and might not have a chance at again for a man you can't depend on is a bad bargain, honey.

I got unexpectedly pregnant (by my husband of a day or two :o ) when I was 24. It was the making of us really. DS is 10 now and a wonderful kid. :)

seven201 · 08/08/2017 20:51

Hope your dad (and mum if you got a chance to see her too) have been lovely and supportive. I'm sure they have as a dad who makes the bed ready for you sounds lovely.

Sorry, I know I'm going off topic and if you know this and have decided it's one of those excessive pregnant women can't have fun ott things then please ignore me. Sadly you're not meant to have steamy baths (you mentioned having them earlier) when pregnant Sad

Continue to be strong op x

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 08/08/2017 21:23

This is your miracle baby, please keep it. You won't ever regret it!
You would never get over it if you terminated n then could never get pregnant again.
Please please think hard n keep your miracle xx

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 08/08/2017 21:23

This is your miracle baby, please keep it. You won't ever regret it!
You would never get over it if you terminated n then could never get pregnant again.
Please please think hard n keep your miracle xx

gingergenius · 08/08/2017 21:55

If you want this baby, and you are happy to go it alone. Do not abort.

If you want this baby and feel you can persuade your DP to participate, do not abort.

If you are unsure if you can manage, and don't know whether your DP will be there for you, but can't bear to abort, but are prepared to go for it because you love the life inside you, the do not abort.

If you don't want a baby and/or can't cope without your DP, then you need to look at options. If you really want this baby, then don't abort. I am absolutely pro choice, and if you truly want this baby then your DP cannot dictate your choice. But the likelihood is that you will be managing as a single parent. That's fine. If you're ok with that, then go for it. But you have other options such as adoption if that decision doesn't work for you.

Your choice. But it sounds like you want this baby, so it depends on how you go about managing on the offchance that your (quite frankly horrible-sounding) DP decides he doesn't want to okay his part.

If it were me, and I knew this baby was deeply wanted, loved and cherished, I'd tell him to go fuck himself. But this is your life, and you need to make that choice. If you abort, that's ok but don't do it just because you are being forced. That's NOT ok xx

TeeniefaeTroon · 09/08/2017 18:42

Hope you have spoken to your parents x