Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

737 replies

Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 09:44

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
ZoyaTheDestroyer · 08/08/2017 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

UnbornMortificado · 08/08/2017 08:20

Some comments on here are a disgrace.

Name I wish you the best of luck Flowers

TheNightmanCometh · 08/08/2017 08:26

Imagine being so arrogant and stupid, so convinced of your own importance, that you'd come onto a thread to bother us all with your pointless opinions on termination limits, when we've already established that the OP isn't going to terminate, what with never wanting to anyway, and are focusing instead on supporting her. Imagine being that much of a shitstain.

Literally nobody gives a fuck what any of you I'm pro choice but waaaah think about abortion. Especially not when you think the other women who have experienced losses should be some factor in the decision. As if that's going to do anything to help them.

Out of interest though, do you only use the pain of other women to make an argument when the woman concerned is thinking about termination? Or are you an equal opportunities cunt? Would you, for example, tell an infertile woman she's lucky because there are so many women who are and have been forced to bear children, who'd have been grateful not to be able to? Seeing as how you think your views are so important they need to be inflicted on everyone whether relevant or not, perhaps you'd be so good as to give them now when you've been asked.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 08/08/2017 08:39

Sorry to hear you are being put under pressure by your DP. If you had fertility issues before, chances are this could be your only chance to have a baby. If he doesn't realise this too it sounds like your DP was just stringing you a line about going down the IVF or adoption route in a couple of years. This pregnancy has effectively called his bluff on wanting kids - he probably thought it would never happen and was just making the right noises. In your shoes I'd be keeping the baby (and ditching the partner if it came to that) which it seems like you're leaning towards. Good luck with whatever you finally decide, don't be pressured by your DP who clearly has his own agenda.

Neutrogena · 08/08/2017 08:41

@Nightman

You wrote : Literally nobody gives a fuck what any of you I'm pro choice but waaaah think about abortion. Especially not when you think the other women who have experienced losses should be some factor in the decision

I dont think we should say that we don't give a fuck when some are clearly impassioned. We do give a fuck if their anti-choice views harm women.

TheNightmanCometh · 08/08/2017 08:48

To clear, I don't give a fuck about anyone's views on late term abortion. That includes yours Neutrogena.

I do give a lot of fucks that several posters were rude and thick enough to imagine it was appropriate to share on here, though. Without even bothering to read the thread! And that some think 26 week births and other women's losses have anything to do with this and again, would think it appropriate to inflict that particular piece of stupidity on a vulnerable woman.

youwillbepk · 08/08/2017 09:02

This must be a tough time for you, you can stand up to your partner! You sound like a lovely person who has been very good to your partner, but it doesn't sound like he puts your wants and needs first and even though he's lovely, he's only lovely when it goes his way.
You can do this, you sound like you will be a lovely mum, with or without partner.

Mittens1969 · 08/08/2017 09:03

I quite agree that it was inappropriate. It's never appropriate to lecture a vulnerable woman who is being pressured by her partner into terminating her pregnancy. She doesn't want to do it!

But what she doesn't need is to be bullied by posters on here. Start your own thread on the issue if you feel the need to debate the issue of abortion limits.

powershowerforanhour · 08/08/2017 09:13

Just calling into this thread to wish you the very best of luck OP whatever you decide to do. Hope everything goes well for youFlowers

CardinalCat · 08/08/2017 09:16

Absolutely nothing worse than people who don't actually read the full thread. It is lazy and arrogant.

OP, glad you had a night at your dad's and hope that today brings you much strength and clarity. We remain here for you Flowers

chips4teaplease · 08/08/2017 09:19

Absolutely nothing worse than people who don't actually read the full thread. It is lazy and arrogant.
Tosh. People are free to read or not read, at will. Get over yourself.

OP, good morning, hope you are feeling ok.

CardinalCat · 08/08/2017 09:25

It's not tosh when they chip in with comments that are wholly irrelevant, which of course they would have realised had they taken the courtesy to read the thread. It also makes them, look incredibly stupid, which they almost always are anyway.

SuffolkNWhat · 08/08/2017 09:26

Wishing you all the best today, teaching is not a completely un family friendly career (fellow teacher here, had my first at your age) and the maternity benefits are pretty good. You'll do brilliantly with your parents support and forget about the arsewipe who is pressuring you into this Flowers

TheNightmanCometh · 08/08/2017 09:33

Tosh. People are free to read or not read, at will. Get over yourself.

That's not a refutation to the comment that there's nothing worse than people not reading, though. The poster concerned didn't say people aren't allowed to do it.

Motherbear26 · 08/08/2017 09:37

For the pretend pro-choicers, there IS a cutoff point, set in law and it is 24 weeks. No one takes a decision like this lightly and this thread is certainly no place for your opinions on the matter.

Hoping you've spoken to your dad and things are looking better today op.

OuaisMaisBon · 08/08/2017 09:38

Even if they don't want to read the full thread, they could at least take the time to read all the OP's responses before commenting without the benefit of the full facts. Or do they object to doing this and call it "drip-feeding" (a MN concept I often have difficulty with in the context of responses to (irrelevant) questions raised on threads)?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/08/2017 10:01

Thinking of you today OP, and sending you love and strength.
Soon this will all be behind you, and when you are holding your precious little baby, you'll know that it was all very much worth it. 💐

Colabar · 08/08/2017 10:07

I have now read the full thread OP. I haven't changed my opinion of late abortions of healthy babies but can see you are in a mentally abusive situation. Your DP was probably the lovely man while you are financially subsidising him each month and having a baby was in the future. Life doesn't always go to plan and he is now showing his true colours and is not being supportive of you at all. His life might not be comfortable for him any more but It's your body, your choice, his wants don't override yours in this situation.

I also feel uncomfortable hearing of woman denied the right to have an abortion. No one should feel they have to give birth to a baby they don't want, nor should they be pressured into having an abortion.

I wish you the best of luck OP and hope that you get all the support you need. xx

VaselineIsNotStylingGel · 08/08/2017 10:09

Now you can see what he is about, you will find the strength to get out from under this. Start one step at a time. Each day do one thing that sets you free. Start with telling your family, they will give you more support than you know. I know you feel ashamed that you have let yourself get in this position (of being with an abusive partner, not being pregnant). This is not your fault. If abusers had signs around their necks and started with their worst behaviours on day one, no one would ever be drawn in but countless people are because the abuser likes to manipulate and normal people like to see the best in people and give them a chance. Abusers play that to their advantage. From now on think about yourself and your child, it's time you freed yourself from the shackles of putting your needs last and his before anything else.

Lweji · 08/08/2017 10:10

I have now read the full thread OP

An apology would be nice.
I hope you do read sensitive threads first next time.

Colabar · 08/08/2017 10:35

If you mean me Lweji* I wont apologise for my beliefs. I commented because late abortions of healthy foetuses is something I feel uncomfortable with.

Lweji · 08/08/2017 10:41

Not your beliefs.
About posting, without having read the thread, with what were effectively nasty comments towards the OP.

"I am pro choice but I can't read this thread, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I know people who were born when their mothers were around 26 weeks pregnant. Don't you think having an abortion at 19 weeks is far too late if it is a healthy foetus."

"From reading up to your second page it seems like you are not fussed either way, as long as your DP goes with you."

Lweji · 08/08/2017 10:43

Then this part is just hypocritical, really.

"I wish you the best of luck OP and hope that you get all the support you need. xx"

TheABC · 08/08/2017 10:53

Congratulations on your baby, OP. I hope, having told your parents, you start to feel the excitement of pregnancy - shopping for outfits, choosing names, etc. The second trimester is usually a wonderful time as the baby starts moving, but does not squish your internal organs. Best of luck - both with the pregnancy and dealing with your partner.

Cakeycakecake · 08/08/2017 11:07

*Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest

And FO with the 'goady' posts and reporting - it's a difference of opinion - and my thoughts that aborting a 19 wk baby stands - it's vile - and shame on those (apart from rape) who could contemplate it.*

Great. Your opinion. Now bore off shoving it down the throat of someone clearly vulnerable and suffering.

Incidentally, the apart from rape aside you threw in is a bit ridiculous. Why just rape? Why can't people have other issues which cause late abortion? I would have had to suffer a late abortion if my disability hadn't presented as early as it did in my last pregnancy. I was 'lucky' it was done at 10weeks. And then I had to undergo erpc surgery 4months later. Erpc by the way, is evacuation of retained product of conception.

You're showing yourself to be quite vile, narrow minded and insensitive. I hope in real life none of your friends turn to you for support in similar situations, you'd be a poster on here horrified and vilifying someone in an awful situation for attention. Awful. Absolutely awful.

Oh and to the posters that think people use abortion as a method of contraception- nobody does that. Don't be so bloody ridiculous. It's hugely traumatic to go through, it's not like taking a tablet and it magically disappears.
Some awful people on here. You ought to be ashamed.

Op I'm thinking of you today. Wishing you the best, and hoping you're strong enough to look past the ignorance and see only the supportive posts x

Swipe left for the next trending thread