AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

I am not understanding where your partner is coming from. He says he wants you to terminate but he refuses to be with you to support you through it. That doesn't add up. I'd suggest that either he is horribly conflicted (understandable) but dealing with it in a hugely immature way, or, no matter what decision you make, he doesn't see a future in the relationship or is not prepared to invest in it (ie support you) for some reason.
Either way, the decision to terminate is yours and yours alone.
Your partner is not going to look bad through anything you do. He's not even going to look bad (in most people's eyes) for favouring a termination. But he will look bad if he doesn't support you through this, even if he decides that being a resident parent is not for him. That is in his hands alone.

Namechange, what an awful situation you are in.
You want this baby. You have fertility issues. There is no way on earth you should have a termination even if you were 8 weeks. This might be the only time you ever get pregnant.
Don't try to do right by your "D"P. He's not the slightest bit bothered about doing right by you.
And you're not making him look bad; he's doing that all by himself!
I wonder if he never actually wanted kids and thought he was "safe" with someone with fertility issues? And the unexpected pregnancy has messed up his plans?
Go to your lovely Dad and tell him everything xx

I am pro choice but I can't read this thread, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I know people who were born when their mothers were around 26 weeks pregnant.

Go and tell someone who gives a fuck how it makes you feel. Also, 19 weeks is nowhere near 26 weeks.

"I don't want it done"

You've answered your own question there OP.
I'm sorry your DP is being a cunt. I honestly wouldn't be able to stay with anyone who treated me like this.

Be strong and do what YOU want x

Op, keep your baby. My exH ground me down into having a termination at 16/17weeks. Eventually it was one of the things i could never forgive him for. He didn't come with me either; i was completely on my own. I hadn't told anyone i was pregnant as he hadn't yet "allowed" me to keep the baby. How he treated me afterwards was the worst part. I didn't realise at the time that i could actually choose my baby over him. I still wish i had 17.5 years later.

I really don't think this thread is or should be about abortion choices. Let's support a woman who knows her own mind and wants her child.

Velvian

I am sure this is a type of abuse never reported.

You poor love.

He has you so worn down you're not sure of yourself.

Keep your baby - lose the bully.

Does anyone apart from the GP know you're expecting?

@Namechanged1234567890
I was you 20 years ago. Unplanned pregnancy and my relationship was not strong enough to withstand a baby. He told me to have a termination and I started to make plans until I realized something...I didn't want to. He said that if I didn't that the termination, that was it between us and I took him at his word. Jumped in my car, drove 100 miles to tell my mum and from that point on I knew what I was going to do. I had a half decent job (that I hated), mortgage but no savings and I struggled financially during my mat leave, having to move home with my parents and rent my house out. I haven't seen my DD's "father" since the day our mutual friends found out I was pregnant.

I can honestly say that it was the single best decision I made in my life and there has not been a day since when I have not patted myself on the back from walking away from him and choosing my DD. Pressuring someone to have a termination when it is not what they want, is abusive and controlling. It is no longer his decision. It's yours. Make it your way.

Being a parent can be hard but in terms of being a single parent...it's what I've always known, what my DD has always known. I left my old job and returned to work when she was six months old in a career I enjoy and have made a great living out of. I had a great child minder and parents to help and as a result my DD is amazing- confident, funny, caring, generous, independent and bright as a button. She's 19 and I can't tell you how proud I am of her, how proud I am of me for my role in the fantastic human being she has become.

The hardest part of it all, telling him, will turn out to be the best thing you've ever done. That will make it real and you can look forward and enjoy your pregnancy. I suspect you will get the help and strength that you need when you tell your mum and dad. That will make it real and not a secret that you're keeping for him.

Good luck and congratulations

Tell your parents OP. You need support x

Your dad sounds lovely. I hope you're on your way over there.

You'll be surprised at how happy other people will be to hear you're pregnant. Your DP will have to come round to it.
Do you know his family? Do you get on with them?

I really don't think this thread is or should be about abortion choices.

Quite agree. Completely inappropriate for people to be coming on and telling OP whether abortion at 19 weeks violates their moral code or not. Especially when they've not even been bothered to read the thread!

OP doesn't want to have the termination and it's as plain as the nose on my face that she's not going to have it. She's not going to get through the discussions without it being obvious she doesn't want the procedure, let alone magic up an escort and trek 250 miles for it. The issue, then, is what to do next, as she continues with her pregnancy.

Lovely lovely post @BoredandConfused

You and your daughter sound fabulous

This is one of the saddest threads I've ever read. You sound so downtrodden by this arsehole. Please LTB (first time I've said that) and start a new life with your beautiful baby. Tell your mum. She's your mum and she loves you and will be in your corner. Please don't terminate, that would be such a tragedy.

@Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden

Reported to who and for what? If everyone went to the police everyone there partner was a tool it'd be daft.

I'm totally pro choice. But what seems to be happening in your situation is that your partner is trying to take away your choice by coercing you into terminating your pregnancy.

My fear would be that you may really regret the loss of your baby because you weren't wholeheartedly convinced that's the right thing to do for you. You've been put in a horrible position OP and it's important that you give yourself space to make up your own mind unpressured and receive the support you need from those who have your best interests at heart.

OP stand your ground and keep your baby. Be firm and resolute about it. I believe your DP is being a dick because he likes the lifestyle you have together and he doesn't want it to change.

I have a friend who has been through what are going through now. Her DP behaved abysmally. Really shittily. It was shocking because he had previously been such a nice guy. The baby was unplanned, and when he couldn't get her to change her mind, he actually moved out of their flat in London and went back to his parents home in Scotland in a huff. I kid you not. Sent her nasty messages telling her she was ruining his life and forcing him to stay in the UK when he'd always wanted to travel the world. He actually started dating another woman.

My friend was a complete wreck. I believe she cried throughout the majority of the pregnancy.

They are now together along with their 11 year old daughter.

As soon as my friend had the baby, he had a 360 degree turn around. He turned up at the hospital the next day, looked after my friend as she recovered from the birth and acted like a doting father in love. He's been a supportive loving, hands on farther to his dd since. My friend forgave him. Not sure I could ever have.

I don't think he realises how much I know of what went on during that time, but I have asked him what changed, and he said knowing the baby was here and nothing could change it That beforehand he could only see all the unknowns and was concentrating on how it would change everything in his life and he didn't feel ready for the responsibility. He now thinks dd is the best thing that could ever have happened to him and acknowleges that he was a total shit. Though I notice they have no more children through choice.

Another friend had a termination because her husband didn't want a third child. He left her on this pretext and eventually moved in with a woman who.... you guessed it, already had a child!! Then his new girlfriend got pregnant and kept it and he's still there with her, although he largely ignores the previous children, and my friend is understandably pissed with capital letters.

I'm not saying you should put up with your DH shitty behaviour at all. It might be better to get rid. My point is, that men can pile heaps of pressure on a woman to terminate and then come round once they realise there's no turning back. Or they may meet someone else and end up with children anyway.

So you should only ever do what YOU want to do regarding your pregnancy. You just cannot foresee all the eventualities no matter how adamant this man is, or what he says. You cannot know the future. But my personal opinion is, that unless you're in a third world country with no support and no welfare system you should never terminate against your wishes to please a man.

Do what is right for you

Thank you Mandate

OP I just want to give you a big hug. You can do this. You want this baby. Think of five years down the line. I can't say anything that hasn't been said already I don't think. Your OH is an utter bastard.

Neutrogena I understood emotional abuse was now an offence in England but I'm not in England so could be wrong.

I do think though that to label an emotionally abusive man as a tool is enabling them.

I am going to bow out now. The OP needs support not random mumsnetters having a go at each other.

This is going to sound harsh but isn't meant to be...
You've obviously wanted a baby but didn't believe u could and now in some wonder of nature have falling pregnant naturally!!
Embrace that!!
It sounds like your partner is really immature considering he also relies on u to sub him financially.
Personally although it will be hard I would go it alone, he's obviously not worth ur time or love (his lack of support shows this).
Being really blunt you might not fall pregnant naturally again!
Good luck with whatever you decide xx

Coercive control is an offence in the uk and of course taken very seriously by police. Usually by the time it is reported there is a vast catalogue of evidence because so much is put up with before the victim realises they are a victim.

I really hope the reason that the OP has been quiet this evening is because she's with her parents.