AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Agreed Cola

He'll leave the OP anyway I guarantee it. Regardless of whether she does what he wants. As for doing the right thing by HIM?! Yep I'm out too.

Tell someone what he is like, I promise that you will feel an enormous relief when you do.

It's understandable to feel scared, but you seem to be recognising his 'true colours'. I think it will be very difficult to continue a live in relationship with him, given his appalling and uncaring behaviour.
On a practical and an emotional level, you need to get yourself sorted quickly, so you can be more settled before the baby arrives.
Maybe it would be worth considering him moving out immediately, so he can clarify his thoughts, and you can get on and prepare for the coming of your baby.
If you and he decide in due course that you both may want to build a new relationship together, then do that from a position of strength- you have your home, and he has his elsewhere, and that finances are separate. And make absolutely certain that any relationship it's on a very equal footing before deciding to ever live together again.

Hi colabar I understand you haven't rtft? I have reiterated many times I don't want a termination but I'm scared and lonely. I was myself born just after the current abortion limit and no it doesn't sit well with me.
Mums going to be working until 830 and dads just told me he's busy tonight xxx

He's become an arse 'recently'. Like, since you got pregnant? This is a fucking MASSIVE red flag - many abusive men show their true colours when their partner is pregnant and 'trapped'.

This is a time when you should be showered with your partners best side, not trying to decipher his manipulative and confusing behaviour. OP - I said it in my last post - GET ANGRY. Imagine you had a daughter or sister in this position? What would you be telling her?

Odds are this relationship won't last, either way. So if you terminate and the relationship ends, would you look back and regret termination? Also, there no guarantee you will ever conceive again, even through IVF. Are you willing to terminate a live viable baby???

What about RL friends do you have anyone you can talk to?

Does your dad know how seriously you need him though? Or did he think it was more of a catch up?

If you told your dad that it was important that you see him tonight I'm sure he will cancel his plans and then go round to your mum's and tell her. 8.30 isn't too late for something as important as this.

When my sister was 20 she was in love with a guy, she fell pregnant and he talked her out of having it, saying he wasn't ready blah blah. She had an abortion at 13 weeks. A few weeks later he finished with her. Now at 44 she has never met the right one to have a child with, and other personal circumstances. She really wanted the child over 20 years ago, that could have been her one chance to have a child.

thewerneth sorry if I didn't make it clear mum is away with work but normally lives with dad in the lovely house we grew up in, so not sure going to see her is an option. I have told dad I'm going over to watch the dogs and I might stay round. (Perks of having your childhood bedroom in tact!) he's told me he's going to get me in a load of food and he's making up my bed :)
He rarely ever goes out so don't want to stop him.

Your decision has already been made. You aren't having this termination. Stop looking at counselling and asking GP and tell your P that your decision is made and you ARE keeping the baby and you won't discuss it further. Then ditch him. Who cares if he looks bad to other people, that's his doing not yours.

That sounds great OP...time on your own with lovely dogs for company.
Time to think about what you really want.

Name I've no better advice then what you've been given, I just wanted to say I lost a 19 weeker and delivering was horrendous. I ended up with PTSD and sectioned.

I'm pro-choice (as early as possible as late as necessary) but it's something that can really take its toll emotionally whatever the circumstances surrounding it.

I really feel for you.

Op your Dp obviously has no idea what is involved with a late termination, no one who is aware of what is involved would want someone they love to go through this.
I know from experience that this only usually happens in extreme cases and when there are medical reasons.
One of my nearest and dearest had to suffer this it nearly destroyed her and her partner as it was a much wanted child that had to be aborted for medical reasons. Their fertility problems meant there were no further pregnancies.
Think very hard, will this be your only chance at parenthood?

@Namechanged1234567890 omg what an awful situation! Also, your hormones will be going crazy right now and making everything so much more difficult! Please, please don't terminate your baby. I don't see 26 as particularly young to have a baby tbh and if you have/had fertility problems this baby may be your only chance to experience pregnancy and a biological baby (if that's important to you).
I'm sorry but your 'D'P sounds awful. So little consideration for you, pregnancy is so hard especially that early stage 😔 you deserve support. Sounds like you have lovely parents, your dad would probably be super protective and I bet they'll both be supportive.
I get you feel bad for telling people what he's said/done, but he did those things! It's his responsibility not yours, you shouldn't feel you have to cover up someone's actions, that's a warning sign!!!
Sending lots of love and strength xx

Also, you are still in a good position, good job, home, lovely mum and dad. You could meet someone else with your new little baby and still have a lovely family down the line if that's what you want! Xx

That sounds like a good plan. Your dad sounds lovely. Even without knowing what's going on, he wants to look after you. I'm sure he will be a brilliant grandpa.

Oh op what a terrible situation. I totally agree with pp get some support from women's aid. Talk to your mom ASAP. I'm sure she'd drop everything to be there for you. Do not let this poisonous person get into your head one tiny bit more. Stay at your mom and dads. I'm sure once you say it out loud and see there reaction that will not be confused or alone. You will absolutely see what many pp have said.

OP - hugs for you. Tell your parents and get this out in the open, it will feel like a huge weight off your shoulders.

Cola - that is a disgusting thing to say and you are most definitely not pro choice. The OP doesn't want a termination but there are women reading this who may have had one at 19 weeks or later or may be waiting for one; your comment is awful.

I can also verify what Poshpenny said, they do insert a drug to dilate the cervix, then hours later give you general anaesthetic, it's called a surgical abortion and Marie Stopes offer this. Joe please fuck off with all the 'you'll have to labour it out' nonsense. The link you provided was for MEDICAL abortion not SURGICAL. Just info for anyone in this situation who may be reading, not for you OP.

Please tell your parents as soon as you can - talk to your dad maybe when he comes back? Tell someone - make this pregnancy real.

One of the previous posters said "find your anger" and I completely agree. Your partner is SO unworthy of you and this growing baby. He is a WORM.

@colabar

What would your cut off time be? 16 weeks? 12 weeks? 8 weeks?

Sorry Name, got it wrong. Leave the nasty twat and go home to your parents where you'll be loved and cherished. I can lend you a couple of Siamese cats who love a cuddle.

I am pro choice

No, you aren't.

but I can't read this thread, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

And yet despite being unable to read the thread you felt that you could make a constructive contribution after reading a little over a tenth of it?

Oh lovey I'm so sorry you are in this position. I had my third baby at 26, it's really not that young. My kids are great and we are really close, they all made it into grammar schools and my eldest is at a good uni. I didn't have the great career at your age so you are already ahead of me. You and your baby will be just fine. The fella is an arsehole though, find your feisty and boot him out on his arse!