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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

737 replies

Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 09:44

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
apostropheuse · 07/08/2017 17:05

You are absolutely NOT going to make him look bad. He is doing that himself. You are not in any way at fault here.

My heart aches for you, as a mother of daughters similar ages to you. Please do speak to your mum. Please.

You are a capable, educated woman and should be able to enjoy this beautiful pregnancy you thought you may never have. Do not waste another moment of this precious time you can't get back.

Marryoneorbecomeone · 07/08/2017 17:08

If you make him look bad to your parents, how will that make you feel? Have you been warned about him before, I wonder?

Motherbear26 · 07/08/2017 17:09

He's making himself look bad. Please tell your parents.Flowers

thatsnotmyrat · 07/08/2017 17:10

I would tell your dad, it will help make it real if you talk to people in real life. I can't imagine your dad would have a lot of time for your partner's attitude at the moment and it sounds like you could really do with some real life support.

Rubyslippers7780 · 07/08/2017 17:15

Call your family. Kick him out. Enjoy.

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 17:15

I guess as well as coming to terms with this situation I'm also coming to terms with splitting up with my long term partner and by highlighting his true colours to others I have reached the point of no return. Which is scary too.
I'm sorry if my priorities seem messed up. They're not. I want what's best for me and my baby but I'm also scared all round xxxx

OP posts:
5amisnotmorning · 07/08/2017 17:23

Ring your mum or go around and see your dad. Tell them everything. It doesn't automatically spell the end of your relationship but will give you the support you desperately need.

Mittens1969 · 07/08/2017 17:25

I'm not surprised you're struggling, OP, you're hormonal and well into your pregnancy and your partner has let you down in a big way. But it must be scary knowing you're splitting up with someone you've been with for a long time. Cut yourself some slack!

But do confide in your parents, they sound lovely and they clearly have your back. And things never seem so insurmountable when you have the support of your loved ones. I'd hate to think that our DDs would feel unable to talk to me or DH if ever they were going through a horrible time. (Thankfully, they're only 8 and 5 right now!)

Then hopefully you'll be able to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Marryoneorbecomeone · 07/08/2017 17:26

What do your parents think of this man?

roundaboutshuh · 07/08/2017 17:30

Please speak to your parents!

FrogsSitonLogs · 07/08/2017 17:30

The only person making him look bad is him.

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 17:38

MarryOne they think he's lovely.
He is lovely sometimes and he has got his merits. I don't hacs a clue what the fucks got into him recently. 😩

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 07/08/2017 17:39

OP I am absolutely fuming on your behalf. If you have a termination which you don't want at this late stage to appease this man you will never forgive yourself. I'm a single mum and honestly, it's not that bad at all. LTB and have your baby.

BaDumShh · 07/08/2017 17:40

OP why does he expect you to pay £500 a month out of your own money to pay off his debts yet only work part time himself?

Lweji · 07/08/2017 17:42

Everyone can be lovely when things go their way.

Even Trump, Kim Jong-Un and Hitler could occasionally be lovely. Wink

FrogsSitonLogs · 07/08/2017 17:42

He's lovely only sometimes?

flumpybear · 07/08/2017 17:45

I'm really surprised the GP offered you a personal opinion - really inappropriate!

Dumdedumdedum · 07/08/2017 17:46

I agree with an earlier poster that he never expected to have a child come into your lives. You say you don't know what's got into him recently, I think that up till you found out you were pregnant, he thought you weren't going to be having children, is what, and now you are, he won't be the centre of your world, which is where he wants to be.

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 17:49

Frogs- he was lovely all the time, don't get me wrong. He was my best friend and very fantastic but he's become a bit of an arse lately.
As for the money, I was fine paying for it, we live in an area where it's hard to get jobs unless you're a key worker. I love my job, so don't begrudge full time he's working as whatever he can get.

OP posts:
YouLookTiredDaddyPig · 07/08/2017 17:52

It's not you that would be making him look bad by telling people what he's like. He is making himself look bad by being the way he is.

The guy sounds like a nasty piece of work. I know it's hard to see that when you're on the inside, but reading your posts about the way he's treating you and the things he's doing/saying are horrifying me. You need to try to look objectively at this. Do not harm yourself or your baby for this man.

hungrywalrus · 07/08/2017 17:54

They won't think he's lovely once you stop defending him and they find out what he's trying to do. I wish I could give you a huge hug. You're strong and you can do this. You'll feel stronger once you actually tell someone else.

Starlight2345 · 07/08/2017 17:55

I would say a couple of things. ..All abusive partners do not start punching you in the face, making you feel worthless and doubting yourself, it is a slow process.. The also are not horrible all time otherwise you wouldn't stay.

I also think when you start talking to friends and family you may well be surprised at how many others aren't as keen as you think or are believing what you are feeding..

Colabar · 07/08/2017 18:00

This reply has been deleted

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seagreengirl · 07/08/2017 18:01

I'm sorry that you feel so lost OP, I have been thinking about you all day. You have been forced to decide between the person you thought was your life partner and your unborn child, you must be feeling unbelievable sad, and lonely.

However I truly believe when you get some real life support from your parents, who sound great, and possibly friends, and womens aid, you will start to feel more positive.

I wish that I could wave a magic wand and you could see five years into the future.

eyebrowsonfleek · 07/08/2017 18:01

You clearly want the baby and your post suggests that he doesn't. I'd move in with your mum and raise the baby alone. Your partner is being emotionally abusive.

He seems to be covering all bases and has created a stick that he can beat you with. He's said that he both wants and doesn't want the baby which will make you seem unreasonable and him reasonable. If you have the baby, he can play supportive in the real world but say that you were forcing him into fatherhood. If you don't have the baby, he can get the sympathy vote because he said that he would like the baby but at home he could criticize you for terminating.

Whether you have this baby or not, I think that he's behaved like a huge arsehole. He's shown that he can't be counted on for support during huge life events and if I knew you in real life, I'd be helping you start again so that you can enjoy your pregnancy without fear that he's going to criticize your choice.

Do not hesitate talking to your mum and your friends. He doesn't want you to discuss it with them because he knows (and they'll know) that he is a dickhead.