AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

invisible thankfully, my granny is as feisty as they come, as is my mother. And I thought I was too. I don't know what's happened to me. I feel so lost and scared and lonely when In reality I'm doing great. Career, house, loving family, baby on the way. Im so upset

Oh, sorry I thought "GP" meant grandparent, I'm an idiot!

Pregnancy hormones will be affecting you right now, but probably not as much as the emotionally abusive partner. Just don't let him bully you. If you did get the abortion for him, would you be able to get over it and be happy with him?

Thanks both for replying. As you both think the woman gets the casting vote, it seems that what you're advocating for isn't so much the man getting a say as getting to voice an opinion. Which everyone does really, if they know about it, since we live in a free country, so it seems fairly meaningless. I'm perfectly entitled to tell a pregnant woman I come across in the street that she should or shouldn't continue the pregnancy, if I like.

Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted to see that you both understand the woman and the woman only is the one to decide. Better than the alternative. It's just that what you describe isn't any kind of 'say'. The right to speak is something quite different. You're talking it up.

A 'say' means if a woman had the baby despite the man not wanting it, the woman would not expect anything from the man apart from the minimum CMA payments. No birthday presents, no contact UNLESS he wants it.

Ah, a child centred approach.

Although one that's reflected by the law of the land anyway, people can fail to bother with their kids all they like and they won't be forced to do anything with them.

Namechanged, love, there is one overriding reason why you are upset.

Your partner is abusive.

There is a type of abusive man that seeks out confident, competent women and sets about destroying them. He's one of these. He is not your partner, not your friend, he is your enemy. He's leeching off you financially and manipulating you to get his own way. He doesn't actually mind whether there is a baby or not - it's another way to control you and ensure that you are unhappy, scared and guilty.
If you were to stay with him, he would blame you for continuing the pregnancy and blame you if you terminated it - because, either way, he gets to 'win'. And that's what it's all about for him.

I suspect very strongly from what you have said, that he never intended to have children with you. He wanted to keep you sweet (and keep you paying for his debts) and so, of course, he said you'd be going through fertility treatment together.

Now, confronted with the reality of a an actual baby he is showing you what he is really like. If there were any legitimate reason for you to have a late termination, and he loved you, he would be taking you, supporting you, holding your hand while you gave birth and weeping with you when it was over.

You want your baby. You really don't need your selfish, hateful partner.

I was just coming on to say what Reaminated said...You are never right with an abusive partner.

Your opinion is wrong, your family is wrong, your friends are wrong etc etc you can win here but only by getting rid of him.

You are expecting the baby you thought you might never have, you should be over the moon.

OP, your can get your feistiness back. Look in the mirror and say 'No, I'm NOT having an abortion'. Then say it to him, no arguments or discussion. Then he can decide if he wants to be involved in your child's (and yours if you still want him) life. You said you have a loving family so I'm sure they will support you. My family aren't big on emotions, but I know they would do anything for me if I needed it.

I guess a big part of it is guilt about making him look bad that's stopping me telling people.

You will not be making him look bad. His deeds and words ARE bad, and he is fully responsible.

Perhaps you fear that if people know - and judge - what he has said and done it will be more difficult for you to stay in the relationship?

Please stop subsidising this man.

Please go to your lovely family. Their support will help you find your anger and see him for what he really is. You should be enjoying your pregnancy not worrying about him looking bad.

He knows it looks bad - that is why he is saying have an abortion one minute and it is a little person the next, without taking any responsibility or consequences for the decision and whilst at the same time trying to make you do what he wants.

He wants things to stay the same (and who wouldn't - he seems to have a nice set up at the moment. However, things have changed, and will change whatever the decision.

Agree that by 16 weeks, you should have decided what to do and settling down to looking forward to your new arrival.

You are doing well at 26 with your career etc and you have choices. If you were my daughter, I would be immensely proud of you

Namechanged - why would you worry about making him look bad? if you think other people are going to think he looks bad then what in hell does that say about his behaviour?? You KNOW his behaviour is bad, don't you - yet you're still being suckered into thinking you have to protect his vision of himself as a good bloke.

1. he's not a good bloke
2. you shouldn't have to protect him at all - his behaviour should show him for who he is
3. I think part of this is a sort of subconscious shame that you have allowed yourself to be taken in and subjugated by this "man" and you don't want anyone else to know what an utter fuckwitted nobber he is, because you fear that will reflect badly on you
4. no. 3 is NOT THE CASE - he's an ABUSER and that is HIS FAULT and HIS FAULT alone.

You need to leave him, you really do. xx

OP, there are bugger things to worry about here than making him look bad ?!? Do your parents know you're pregnant? I'm confused why you want to do right by him when he has done absolutely nothing right by you since this pregnancy began. Time to find that back bone for yourself and (if you want it) your baby.

But he'd making himself look bad, what he's doing to you is bad. Don't protect him at your expense - because that is what he expects you to do.

As he has no intention of supporting you, and you would need an escort if you had the abortion, and you've had to keep it a secret so as not to make him look like a shit, who would go with you? Who has he suggested, if anyone? He sounds stupid as well as callous, a rotten combination. Go to your DM and DGM and let them take care of you

(And it's not massively important right now - but get a new GP. A good doctor would remain neutral - my freaking VET would not give me an option on whether to have my cat put to sleep or not because she didn't want to influence me. Your GP was extremely unprofessional.)

You aren't making him 'look bad'. You are letting his behaviour stand for itself. It's for other people to decide whether that 'looks bad' or not. All you have to do is let the light in.

Please go and tell your dad. Your dad, I know what will happen with your dad, he'll burst into tears and give you a massive cuddle and be so, so thrilled that his wee girl is going to be an amazing mother. Let him give you the support your DP is incapable of giving.

You have literally hundreds of women here, with decades of experience of men, telling you that your "D"P is being abusive. I hope you manage to take this on board. You are really young, and I think that's maybe why you can't see it as clearly as you might do, if you were a bit older. I don't mean that to sound condescending. I just know that, at 27 years old, I put up with so much crap from ExH, that quite frankly at my age now (47), I would not put up with for 5 seconds.

I want to tell you about my Mum. She fell pregnant with me, aged 23. She didn't want children (yet), and he and my Dad had not long been married and they were very poor (skipping meals level of poor). She briefly considered abortion, but couldn't do it, as she doesn't agree with it. So, she went ahead with the pregnancy, and I was born healthy....

She had no idea, that when they decided to try for a sibling for me, that 9 miscarriages would follow, and two live babies who would not survive (rare genetic condition). I did eventually get a sibling, I suppose the point I'm trying to make, is that to be carrying a healthy baby is so, so precious, and you may never manage to replicate this again, so grasp it with both hands.

I think your issue now, is how to handle your Partner. I think all you can do, is to keep repeating that you are keeping your baby, and if he doesn't like it, he is free to leave. I am guessing that he keeps badgering you, and that must be unbearable, when you just want to relax. I think you need him out of the house, tbh. If he isn't on board, he has to leave. If his parents are close by, tell them what is happening and tell them that he is behaving in a way that is detrimental to your health, and they need to house him for a while. Hopefully some pressure from your Dad, could see him moved out. I think once your parents and his are involved, things will improve dramatically.

Why aren't you angry? He's behaving disgustingly! You aren't making him look bad by telling people - he does that himself with his words and actions. The fact you know he'll look bad means you KNOW he's behaving abominably.

Dig deep, find your fire and send him packing.

I adore my husband but when I had our son a light went on - he's FIRST for both of us. When you have this baby you will realise how wonderful it is and how much it needs you. What you feel for that shit of a partner you have will pale in comparison.

name-changed, if it makes you feel better, you don't have to tell your parents the full story. All you have to say is that you are unexpectedly pregnant, which has come as a huge shock- a happy one for you, but DP is having a harder time getting his head around it, and you think that sadly it has highlighted that your relationship has run its course. You are going to keep the baby and have some time apart from DP to allow him to decide whether he wants a parental role or not.

You don't have to tell the whole story of how he has been pushing abortion on you- that doesn't have ot come out right now (and it doesn't ever need to come out to your family, although I would urge you to discuss with a counsellor one day so that you can offload properly).

All that you need to tell your mum and dad is that you are pregnant and shocked but happy, DP less so, and you need to stay with them for a bit while you figure out what to do next. That is all you need to do/say. But you Do need to share the news of the pregnancy because until you so so, your DP holds all of the control and will continue to persist about the termination.
So just tell them tonight- take away his control and leave him impotent. You don't need to tell your parents that he is being abusive- that can be your secret to keep until you are ready, if ever.

Your body. Congrats

Err, no, disagree with that last post entirely! TELL your parents that the wanker is trying to make you abort your baby - you need the support to stand up to him, they will give it to you. But they can't if you don't tell them!!

Thumb, her main worry about telling her parents about the pregnancy is that she is worried about making him 'look bad'. All I am saying is that it's not all or nothing. She can tell them about the pregnancy but omit the horrific detail about the coercion. Tbh, I would imagine that if her parents have half a brain they will get it pretty quickly (if they don't already realise that he's an abuser) and I would doubt the oP would have to give much detail anyway for them to get the gist of what has been happening. No need for her to make him look bad- people like that tend to do it well enough themselves.

honestly, this is somebody's life, not a soap opera. It doesn't always have to be the nuclear option, just for the titillation of the MN boards.

Also, I am working from the assumption that, once the OP's parents know about the pregnancy, there will be absolutely no question of an abortion taking place and the OP's DP will know this and drop his ridiculous campaign.

It's not about titillation, the OP has asked how she can get support to stand up to her partner.
We can talk at her all we like, but the best support she's likely to get will be in RL, from her parents.
They cant' support her if they don't know the story - so it's better that she tells them the story.

I get what you're saying but the advice they give isn't likely to be as good as it could be if she just fluffs over what he's doing - she needs to let them know what he's been saying to her.

Been there.

Guilt about making him look bad?

Why?

He's a total cunt.

Please call your family OP.