AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

The OP has now been clear she's not seeking any advice about the abortion. I got that wrong (along with some other posters on here who were saying how traumatic an abortion would be ).

OP - Hope you find the strength to find the right ACTIONS to deal with OH - I don't think words will cut the mustard here....

Put you and baby first, and OH a very distant second.

Hope talking things through on here has helped clarify things for you. You can stand up for yourself, it's your decision and yours alone.

Please speak to your parents, and speak to Women's Aid. This man is not a good partner and the way he has treated you is abysmal.

Please don't have a termination of you don't want one.
Please stick up for yourself and for your unborn baby.
Please talk to someone in real life. A friend or family member. I'd hate to know a friend of mine was being forced into a termination and didn't talk to me about it and get help.
Your partner will either come round to the idea or he won't. But fuck him.
This might be your only chance at having a baby if you I we fertility issues.
Please do not abort if you want this baby.

starlight would it not be a waste of women's aid time? I'm not in any danger?
I could be stopping someone whose husband is going to kill them?

You have a partner who is emotionally abusive, controlling and gas-lightning you.
This is how abusive relationships start. It is very possible that he will have a violent "tantrum" when you don't follow his plans. Be very careful to keep yourself safe.

My BFF was in a similar position. Told she couldn't carry a child and boom! pregnant on her honeymoon. Her (now ex) 'd'H had two children already. He was not thrilled and although he didn't try to coerce her into an abortion (she wouldn't have considered it and he knew it), he made his feelings about his impending fatherhood clear to everyone and told my DH "I thought I was done with all that crap".

Over the next couple of years he treated her terribly, refused to help with their DS, told her she 'got pregnant on purpose' and went on about how different his life could have been. She left him in the end, of course, and said that the child was worth a million of his father.

If you have sufficient income to raise this child on your own, do it. If you terminate when you don't want to it will plant a seed of poison in your relationship that you'll never be able to kill. If you don't, he will use this child as a club to beat you over the head with every time normal parenthood 'stuff' stops him from doing what he wants.

Tell your mum. Then leave.

Namechanged This has been on my mind every since I first read page 1 of your thread.

Your loyalty to this man is amazing, you must love him very much.
You support him financially, and allow him to control you.

He gives you nothing in return.
He knows this may very well be the only pregnancy you will ever have, but he tells you to terminate it because it suits him.

He knows that if you do terminate, it will probably be the end of the relationship. Either because you come to hate him for it, it because he no longer wants to live with a woman suffering regret and depression. But he's OK with that, because he can just move away with no lasting effects.

As I said, you must love him very much. But you will love your beautiful baby even more. Please have the baby that you have told us you want, and start your life as a mother - with or without this abusive man.

I need help standing up to my arsehole dp

To start with do nothing.
Don't go for the abortion.
If asked, just say you don't want to.

Hi Namechanged
I'm asking this in the nicest way possible, but what is that you find so difficult about standing up to him? I get that he sounds controlling etc. but you sound as though you have your life pretty sorted in terms of career, a mortgage and savings, and that suggests you are a confident and independent person, at odds with how you are in this relationship. I'm wondering if any of us can give you some strategies to help you deal with him and find the lioness in you. Are you scared of him, and has he been violent, or do you tend to avoid confrontation in general?

When he goes out this afternoon, after you've phoned WA and your parents, I think you should also make an emergency appointment to see a doctor (NOT the same GP as last time) and tell them your partner is coercing you into having a late termination that you definitely don't want, and tell them you need support.

You can also rely on the Mumsnet massive for support and virtual handholding. Many posters have been there: abused by partners and needing support to see clearly what is happening, and how to get out.
We're here for you, OP. MN has backed lots of women in escaping or getting rid of douchebag men.

Leave him, he is a cunt!!
Keep the baby, go and see your parents, they will no doubt support you and be thrilled at you being pregnant, you are in a good job and you are financially secure, I can't see any reason for you to have a termination.

Making the decision what you what is the very first step..You seem to have clearly made it.

Next is how you move forward.. Yes ring at 4..

From my experience of my abusive Ex.. This is not about your baby this is about controlling you..So expect lots of mood changes to put your back in your place..

The anger in your last post is the stuff you need to move forward. Your pregnancy should be a time you should feel special, receive extra support, also do tell your MW about his behaviour.

It goes something like this:
"I'm having this baby, whether you have anything to do with either of us depends on how much you can make up for your awful behaviour. Don't try and argue with me, if you don't understand why I'm saying this then go ask someone else to explain. I'm going to stay at mum's for a few days."

Please tell your parents.

I expect they'll do everything they can to support you (I would) then gather the strength to lose that arse you call a DP (he's neither dear nor a partner.He's a leech) but make sure you cut off the money supply now. As it'll be a battle to get maintenance you'll need all the money you can get for yourself.

Your relationship cannot recover from this, and for your sake it shouldn't.

Tell your mum you need to see her, don't make it sound like it can wait a few weeks.

Dp goes to work at four? Do you think that I could call them then

Yes, but steel yourself for the possibility that you may not get through at first, and may have to either retry several times or leave details for a callback (although I'm not 100% sure they do this; it was about 8 years ago I had to call on their services, so details are hazy).

They are very busy- but don't take that to mean you're not a deserving case! You are precisely the kind of person they are there to help!

Just the fact that you unaccountably feel so guilty and disloyal about telling your parents about your pregnancy shows just how much your partner has managed to manipulate you. Classic indicator of emotional abuse.

Is your mum contactable, at all? Phone, text, email? I would message her right now if I were you.

In the meantime, you have us to lean on

He gets a say - of course he does. He is the father. However, final decision is hers.
His opinion should not be totally discarded just because he is a man.

It's being discarded Neutrogena because he's not the pregnant one, not because he's a man. Another woman would have exactly the same right to be listened to: none.

Could you tell us, though, what you mean by him getting a say but final decision is hers? I hear this a lot, including a few times from others in this thread, but nobody ever seems to clarify what it actually looks like. Could you? If they can't agree, one person gets the full say. In what capacity is the other person able to have any kind of say?

I'm all for a father having a say in continuing a pregnancy in normal circumstances.

Same question to you grandhighwitch, if you don't mind. Could you tell us how you envisage this working, in the event of a dispute? I just have no idea how people think in a binary decision where there's a disagreement, anything other than one person getting no say is possible.

Whether you have the termination or not, your relationship with your DP is over.

So make your decision on this basis.

It's over, because no matter what the future holds, you will never, ever be able to trust him.

OP, so sorry you're in this situation

You know you need to get out of this relationship so if that means calling woman's aid, do it asap.

Your DP is not 'D' at all. He is abusive and controlling.

Please sort out the practicalities, leave and look after yourself and your baby.

I don't mind at all TheNightmanCometh. I mean that the father should have the right to be consulted as to whether he wants the pregnancy to continue or not. That does not necessarily mean that I think their opinion should outweigh or be in equal proportion to the mothers own choice on the subject. As she would be the one who has to deal with the remainder of the pregnancy and the labour then it is my belief that her choice ultimately outweighs his. But I do think that the father should have that choice so that he can then decide if he can live with the consequences or not (I hope that made some sense as I did waffle a bit ).

@TheNightmanCometh

A 'say' means his opinion is heard and considered. But final decision is hers.
A 'say' means if a woman had the baby despite the man not wanting it, the woman would not expect anything from the man apart from the minimum CMA payments. No birthday presents, no contact UNLESS he wants it.

In a dispute - woman gets the final vote. In the very unlikely event of the woman dying in childbirth, she should expect the man to immediately give the baby up for adoption.

Call BPAS about the free counselling they offer (it's by phone). You should have been offered this when you first spoke to them and I am surprised you don't mention it as it is a very useful resource. Call them up and find out more.

he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up

Is he a moron in all areas of life? He thought you could just set the pregnancy aside for a few months then get back to it? Really, what an almighty twat.

And he won't come with you for support, and he won't talk about it because the "decision has been made"? Fuck him!

If you were to have one, you'd have to see a doctor, get a hospital/clinic appointment - does he realize or even care what the procedure may entail for you?

Keep your baby, get rid of your useless partner (and I'm sorry but a man who acts like this is not otherwise a good man, it's just not possible). Your grandmother is probably one of those old-school "always do what your man says" women. If she won't support you, stop talking to her about it and turn to other family/friends for support.

Hi notmypenguin I asked about the bpas counselling but was told if I had it, by the time it was done I'd be too late to terminate as the list is so long. The lady I spoke to was incredible though.