AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

You say you want to do the right thing by your partner, but why, when he's not doing the right thing by you?

He:

• keeps changing his mind, going from excited to not wanting the baby
• Doesn't want anyone else to know - not even parents - because if you did have an abortion, he could pretend it never happened. Lucky him eh? You're the one stuck with the loss and regret and post-op pain - because it is an operation, you have to give birth. And that hurts!
• Wouldn't come with you to the original appointment.
• Wants you to do this alone, miles and miles away
• Tantrums when he can't get his own way. My son does this. He's 4.
• Takes all your money. £300-500 a month isn't pennies. That's a lot of money.
• Won't talk to you about it. Says the decision has been made, when the fact that you want to talk clearly says that it hasn't!

Really OP, I don't know why you're with him. If you want to do right by him, why on earth doesn't he want to do right by you?

Cocklodger

Manchild

Twat

You need to LTB regardless of keeping the baby or not.

Make the decision as if this total fuckwit is not in your life.

I've never seen a termination of a 19week gestation baby but I've seen a lot around the 20-25 week mark and every single one involved labouring and pushing the baby out.

He's not confused op. He's abusing you. What he's doing is very deliberate and intended to harm your emotional and psychological wellbeing. You absolutely are someone who woman's aid would like to speak to. Please, please tell someone in real life. You can't make a relationship with an abuser work. He's showing you who he is. Believe him

.TheNightmanCometh I agree completely and alluded to this upthread. Two doctors will need to sign off on the fact that the terms of the Abortion Act are satisfied. Easy enough if the person can show that- free from external influence- they REALLY want the abortion and can demonstrate the applicable ratio of harm re continuing : terminating. Part of the job of those who counsel women prior to termination is to weed out cases like this and unless the OP can deliver an Oscar worthy performance, the red flags re duress /coercion/ abuse will be flapping within a minute or two of the consultation.

So, while it IS the OP's decision to make in terms of whether to REQUEST an abortion, in this country at least she would still have to convince two doctors that she fits the criteria.

The biggest concern I have right now it that, apart from us internet friends, the OP has been unable to take anybody into her confidence for many months now. she is nearly 17 weeks gone, so she will have learned of her situation around 13 weeks ago , i.e. nearly three months ago. And she has carried this burden around on her shoulders this whole time while this cocklodging ditherer pulls her strings. It is heart breaking.

OP, if you had a daughter and she was in your situation, what would you urge her to do?

Please please call your mum x

Neutrogena he did have a say, then he had another say, then another, and another, that's the problem. Why should the OP care about what he has to say now?
OP, phone your Mum, go for dinner with your Dad, call Womens Aid, do whatever you have to do to get some real life support

Neutrogena
I don't want an abortion myself. I don't need help making that choice. I need help standing up to my arsehole dp

Women's Aid will give you that help.

Dp goes to work at four? Do you think that I could call them then?

OP please tell your parents. They will stand up for you

OP might have known about her sub-fertility without ttc - if for example she's had unusual periods and been diagnosed with something like bad endometriosis. Apols if I have missed some info in the thread.

If you and your partner have been seriously considering IVF then you would be mad, mad to abort a healthy pregnancy. Trying to have a family from a position of low fertility is the exact opposite of a walk in the park. Having done it I'd take being a single mother any day.

I agree with C0untDucku1a. It seems to me that he is trying all ways to make you take the decision out of his hands so that he can absolve himself of the results. If you have the baby he can either choose to get on board or say 'you made him become a father against his will', conversely if you terminate the pregnancy he can choose to be happy that he 'made you see it was the right choice' or 'you chose to kill our "little person"'. Either way, he gets to control the outcome to his own ends.

I'm all for a father having a say in continuing a pregnancy in normal circumstances. But he deserves no right to an opinion especially as it changes from one week to the next. And to ask you to go through something like this and refuse to support you is vile.

OP you have THOUSANDS of women here cheering you on and supporting you. Imagine us all in one room, cheering! We are there for you. Trust us.

Text him saying the relationship is over, leave his stuff on the lawn and change the locks. He has given your feelings zero consideration, you don't need to give his any either. Don't give him the opportunity to try to salvage it, don't give him the time of day.

What exactly is your situation? Do you rent or own, whose name/s are on the mortgage/lease?

I have a close friend whose partner forced her into a termination. It was a long time ago, but she has never forgotten, nor forgiven herself, I don't think. She knew it wasn't right, but she chose her man over her pregnancy.

They are no longer together, and haven't been for years, because he was a twat in countless other ways. So she is now alone, past childbearing years, and regretful. If you think you may end up like her, OP, please don't do it. Live your life with your child and be happy.

And I am as pro-choice as it's possible to be.

It's not easy after being conditioned to always put him first.

Now you need to put yourself and your baby first. You know what you want. It's his choice now whether to be part of this journey with you or not.

From everything you've written I think you would be better alone.

Yup Neutrogena, I think you need to butt out from your adopted position as defender of abusive men's reproductive rights. I know you are just trying to provide balance (and I agree with lots of the other things you have said) but it is actually quite insulting to the OP when she has said quite clearly that she doesn't want a termination at this stage. Had her DP been fairer, clearer and more consistent from the very start, then this might have been dealt with (rightly or wrongly) 10 weeks ago. He can be forgiven a couple of week of dithering because of the shock, but this is beyond ridiculous and well into abusive territory now. Because of his incoherence, prevarication and controlling behaviour, the OP finds herself in an impossible situation, and she KNOWS that she can't and won't go through with a termination unless she is convinced it is right for her (which she has now said it isn't). It is her body, her decision and she needs our practical support, not flimsy soundbites about DNA.

From the OP's posts:
"I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own."^

^^this

OP, when that bastard has gone out call women's aid and your family. Make a plan with them to get out asap, preferably today. You deserve so much better than this

Sorry, xposted there since I see the OP has come back herself to point out to Nutrogena that she DOESN'T WANT THE TERMINATION.

Honey, if it's help with standing up to the wanker that you need, then you don't need him at all. What you DO need, as some PPs have said, is to pack a bag and get off to your Dad's place to stay - tell him everything, he will help you.

Women's Aid will give you advice.
A solicitor will give you advice.
You need a new GP since yours is an overstepping wanker - any other GP, hearing that YOU DON'T WANT a termination, would NEVER suggest that you should have one. Yours needs a complaint put in about her.

Get out of the situation you're in - get away from the wanker you're with.

Please do not get a termination you don't want, to please a man you don't need

You also need to prepare yourself for the fact that if you do end this relationship and kick him out, he will suddenly turn into dad of the year and tell you how much he loves you and wants this baby. Please don't fall for this - this will purely be to keep you, and he'll be on best behaviour for a few weeks but then will revert to form.

Dp goes to work at four? Do you think that I could call them then

YES. Call your parents too - but speak to women's aid because they will give you expert advice.

he will suddenly turn into dad of the year and tell you how much he loves you and wants this baby. Please don't fall for this

This