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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

737 replies

Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 09:44

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
laureywilliams · 07/08/2017 13:26

As someone else said. If I was your Mum I'd want to know right away what was going on. Conference or not. I'd feel terrible if you didn't tell me.

Stop this false loyalty to him. I've been guilty of this. Not telling people about what was going on behind the scenes because I knew what they'd say and I didn't want to hear it.

[hugs]

ChuffMuffin · 07/08/2017 13:26

I am still "considering it" because I want to do the right thing by him

Why? He doesn't want or care to do the right thing by you or your baby. You need to do the right thing for you. You'll regret any other decision. Flowers

Also I am ShockShockShock at your GP saying that! Please, please complain and ignore what she's said.

TheNightmanCometh · 07/08/2017 13:26

You do realise OP that as you don't actually want a termination, you aren't necessarily going to do a good enough job of concealing that to actually be given one? So this may all be moot anyway. If you go and say you want to continue with the pregnancy but you want to do the right thing by your DP, who sometimes does but sometimes doesn't, what do you actually think is going to happen?

Spudlet · 07/08/2017 13:27

Right, you said it. You don't want a termination. That's it op, the beginning and end of the discussion. You don't want this. No one has the right to make you do this.

Please, please tell someone in RL. If ending this pregnancy was what you wanted I would be behind you all the way but it's not, and the thought of you going through this alone is heartbreaking. You deserve to be helped and supported, you are worthy of that. Please tell your mum, your dad, WA, your doctor, someone.

Quartz2208 · 07/08/2017 13:35

you need to do the right thing for you and your baby which is keep it. Tell your parents and see what happens. This decision is one you are going to have to live with forever so make the right one

Women's Aid is designed for people in relationships like you

Lunde · 07/08/2017 13:39

I am still "considering it" because I want to do the right thing by him

But he is not even considering doing what is right by you is he? If he was he would not be playing these headgames. How could you ever trust him again after this behaviour?

Minkyfluffster · 07/08/2017 13:44

Can you stay at your parents for a couple of days?

joepommedeterre · 07/08/2017 13:45

Poshpenny BTW at 19 weeks you don't have to Labour it out of you but there is some funny procedure they do so the cervix is opened before you go into surgery.

That's not an accurate portrayal of what's involved.

FrogsSitonLogs · 07/08/2017 13:46

Don't terminate for someone else. I expect you'll find if you do, afterwards it will be 'job done' as far as he's concerned and life will continue as normal, where as you will be mentally and physically recovering and probably eating you up inside.

I am still "considering it" because I want to do the right thing by him

This is awful and so sad. Do you think in any way he is even considering doing the right thing by you? Do what's right for you, as ultimately you may not end up in a relationship regardless of the decision. And please speak to women's aid. Please talk to someone, your Dad anyone.

ecuse · 07/08/2017 13:47

I have nothing new to add but, in case it helps, you OH is being a wanker, you absolutely should not go through with a termination you don't want (and I say this as a strongly pro-choice woman who has had an abortion). But you need to be willing/able to be a single parent as you categorically should not expect this guy to be any use.

On the other hand, he's done you a favour by showing you who he really is....

SirVixofVixHall · 07/08/2017 13:51

A close friend of mine was in a very similar situation to you OP, but earlier in the pregnancy. They had been trying for a while for a baby, she was a year older than you, she got pregnant and he insisted on an abortion, she really wanted the baby. In the end she called her Mum, told her everything, her Mum called his Mum and read the riot act. She had her lovely baby, and they managed to work things out and are still together, that baby is at university now.
I also had work colleague who had a very late termination, again because her boyfriend had shilly-shallied and changed his mind and she caved and eventually went through the trauma of such a late procedure and was utterly destroyed by it. I don't see how you could ever get over going through what would be essentially a forced end to a pregnancy that you very much want. Late terminations are hideous, and thankfully rare. Usually they are performed for serious medical reasons. This is a very different situation- you want your baby, you and the baby are healthy, you can support your baby. You are taking on board the feelings of a man who deserves to be ignored. I honestly think it is a kindness to him too, to ignore his opinion, as when he has grown up a bit, if he has any feelings at all, he will be devastated that he ever thought of putting you in this terrible position where you would have to go through such a horrible procedure.
Oh and I'm shocked at your GP, absolutely out of order and terrible advice under these circumstances.

Maelstrop · 07/08/2017 13:53

You want this baby. That's it, really. What if it's the only one you can have naturally?

You want to do the right thing by your DP, but if you were to abort, would your relationship last given how you might then resent your DP?

You're financially supporting him due to his debts? Sorry, fuck that for a laugh.

He refuses to attend appointments? Why are you with him?

FizzyGreenWater · 07/08/2017 13:55

Everyone else has already said it in spades. Hundreds of replies. That really tells you all you need to know, yes?

Your partner is a piece of shit. An abusive piece of shit who will no doubt be completely out of your life in a couple of years, either because you simply can't take it any more and see the light or because he ends up dumping you anyway. (Yes he IS the type - totally self-absorbed wanker who does not give one shiny shit about you or anyone else).

So, look down the road and see yourself in five years. Quite possibly not even knowing where Shithead even lives or what he is doing, but living, constantly, FOREVER, with the consequences of this decision. Of his bullying abuse.

In answer to your Q, no you would not be unreasonable to go straight to your parents, tell them everything and start planning to have your baby safely and dump this absolute steaming twat. Before he fucks up your life permanently.

Starlight2345 · 07/08/2017 13:56

starlight would it not be a waste of women's aid time? I'm not in any danger?
I could be stopping someone whose husband is going to kill them?

No it is not a waste of WA time... They deal with all types of abuse.

You are a person who is very much a person in need at the moment.You are struggling to make decisions that do not meet your husbands approval ( which none do) ..He is abusive and you may well see things clearer after a conversation...Also do take note in 12 pages...Not one person has said they can see your partners POV.. Not one person thinks he has even acted ok or reasonably...This is MN where no one agrees..Take that on board too.

Neutrogena · 07/08/2017 13:57

Stop telling OP to have the baby. It's her decision, and everyone on here telling her to have the baby are just like the OH.
If she is to have the baby, do you really think she wants to hear that 50% of the DNA of the baby is from a 'cunt' ? Be careful what you write. This man WILL be the father of this child if OP has it. Be supportive.

You make the decision OP Flowers
Have strength - every decision in this wretched situation is emotionally fraught.

stitchglitched · 07/08/2017 14:00

'Stop telling OP to have the baby.'

Why? OP has admitted she doesn't want the abortion. Better to tell her that she can have the baby than telling her that her abusive partner gets a say because of his 50% DNA like you did earlier.

BaDumShh · 07/08/2017 14:01

Neutragena, people are telling her to have the baby because it's very clear from her posts that that is what she really wants. Plus, a termination at this stage would be incredibly traumatic for her, as many people have already confirmed.

Neutrogena · 07/08/2017 14:02

He gets a say - of course he does. He is the father. However, final decision is hers.
His opinion should not be totally discarded just because he is a man.

helpme85 · 07/08/2017 14:03

Can you abort this late on in the pregnancy? Unless there are medical complications? It would be a huge operation.

I really feel for you OP. I think after you've been through you need to think about raising the baby alone if you chose to keep it. Flowers

joepommedeterre · 07/08/2017 14:03

You think you could go through this, and still feel the same for this man?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/1512733-Please-tell-me-about-medical-termination?pg=1&order=

stitchglitched · 07/08/2017 14:05

No, his opinion should be discarded because he has spent the last 4 months emotionally abusing the OP and she doesn't want to terminate her pregnancy.

C0untDucku1a · 07/08/2017 14:05

You partner sounds very controlling. He tantrums to get his own way. Soon youll stop even arguing as you wont want the fall out.

I honestly think he is saying terminate one minute and talking about your little person the next so he can remove any responsibility from himself. Then he will use whatever you did to further control you. You continue with pregnancy and he will say he told you he didnt want it. You terminate and he will say how could you do that to your little person. I cant see any other reason for his attitude and languages changes to you.

It is the summer holidays. Pack a bag and go to your dad's. Tell your dad everything. Protect yourself, not your arsehole oh. And stop payin off his debts. If he is so desperate he can get a full time job.

MrsKCastle · 07/08/2017 14:06

OP, I think that your decision is already made. You know what you want. You need to give yourself permission to make your own decision. It's clear that you're used to letting him have what he wants, it's easier to just keep the peace, right? But you can't do that now, this decision is too big. It will decide how the rest of your life goes. YOU have the absolute right to make this choice.

Neutrogena · 07/08/2017 14:07

Of course the later the termination, the more traumatic it would be. Goes without saying. However, no-one should be scaring OP out of an abortion. It's her decision to make.

BeyondQueenOfLists · 07/08/2017 14:08

Firstly let me say I'm utterly pro choice, one of those who would support abortion with no time limits when the woman wants it. But you don't want it, it screams out of your posts

You need to start viewing this as the end of your relationship regardless of which you do. Either you keep the baby that he wants you to abort, or you abort it and your resentment of him will grow every day, as it is not the decision you want. But I seriously think your relationship will not survive this.

So, you have a decent job and setup, 26 is by no stretch a young mum (even in the middle class, wtf is your gp on?!), and you want this child. What seems the sensible decision?

If you are genuinely worried to make this decision that is right for you, then your relationship is already beyond saving. Tell your mum and LTB.

One extra thing, is your "D"P aware of what is actually involved at such a late abortion? Is that why he is chickening out of supporting you through it? Wanker.