AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

starlight would it not be a waste of women's aid time? I'm not in any danger?
I could be stopping someone whose husband is going to kill them?

No. You are being abused. WA doesn't just deal with potential imminent homicides!

Start standing up for yourself - it's good practice for when the baby arrives and you have to stand up for him/her.

You partner is trying to manipulate you and confuse you so he doesn't have to take the blame. Imagine what you'd say if a friend told you this about her?

Pack his bags tonight and tell him to fuck off. You'll have 4 months of saving £500 once he's gone too so s nice little £2000 cushion to get all your baby stuff.

Give the baby your name and don't put him on the birth certificate.

Make a life for yourself that doesn't include his games and childish tantrums. He sounds vile.

OP, the way you have been treated is appalling. It sounds as though on some level you know you have been somewhat brainwashed by your DP and have been sleepwalking through this abusive relationship, trying to justify his actions because you maybe don't want to believe your partner is as awful as he actually is.

Please don't abort your baby. It sounds very much as though you want to keep it and you must never let others pressurise you to do something which, once it's done, you can never never change. You won't be able to turn back the clock. Your baby's entire life is in front of him or her right now, please don't snuff it out on the say so of a horrible, selfish man who doesn't even sound right for you anyway. If it was your own decision that would be completely different, but listen to your own heart, not to him. Chances are you will end up hating him anyway if he forces you to do this. You will have to go through labour and have no baby at the end of it, the guilt and regret will eat you alive. What if you never get pregnant again? What if you split up anyway and he moves on and has kids with someone else and you end up childless?

When you look into your baby's eyes once they are born it will seem completely unthinkable to you that there was any question of ever not going through with it. Your love for your baby will dwarf your love for your DP. Your baby will be part of your life forever, unconditional love forever - your DP, however, does not deserve you or your love.

Sweetheart, I have kids in your age group (a boy though) and I would be heart broken if they felt they couldn't share their problems with me, no matter how big or small. Tell them.
As for being 26, I don't understand what the GP was on about. 26 is an optimum age for pregnancy medically speaking. As for your individual life circumstances, well that's not her call really.
Millions and millions of people (probably the majority) have babies in less than ideal circumstances. It's a struggle at times but you make the most of things and things generally turn out ok.

Cobblers to that. Keep the baby, ditch the man.

So glad you're going to see your parents. It's VERY important that you talk to them about how you're feeling. I've been through a relationship where I didn't tell people who loved me stuff in case it made my partner "look bad". It's really really unhealthy. Another very pro-choice person here. But choice means being able to choose to carry on with a pregnancy as well as wanting to terminate.

You need some time away from your partner so that you can start to be delighted about your pregnancy and look forward to having your baby. I doubt, to be honest, that your partner is a great bet for the future - but perhaps he might change? Make sure he proves this beyond any doubt before you even consider having him back. Good luck!

OF course I don't want a termination not this late in the day 😢

This is YOUR answer....

Now your next step is to figure out how to make it work?
Is it your house joint? name on mortgage?
Let partner know you are keeping baby.... Find support for you..I have no sense he is any sort of support.

I don't know you are ready to leave him yet...However do make plans and consider how you would do it.Protect your money. Stop subsidizing him..Save the money for the baby.

You do not have to go through this alone without your parents. They would no want this for you. They would want to help.

You know you want this baby - don't let your controlling bf force you to doubt yourself.

The termination needed here seems to be of DP!

26 is a great age to have a baby. Far fewer chances of an abnormality and you'll have lots of energy/fellow feeling for your child as she/he grows up.

You are being played with by DP. +Your feelings don't seem to be of any importance. This is not good for your future with him... it isn't something he will grow out of now.

OP you said of course I don't want a termination.

This is the end of the story here. You don't want a termination, so you don't have one.

Just seen your last update. Up until then, there'd been no indication in your posts that YOU want a termination. Your last update confirms this. Do what YOU want. He has shown no consideration of your feelings (and has been actively cruel) - you should not give gis feelings any further consideration. This is your choice and yours alone.

(I also think he's panicking about the loss of a steady income stream when you take maternity leave and start prioritising the baby's needs/paying for childcare etc. Selfish toad. )

What if you did terminate and then have to go through ivf when The time is right. Surely better to have this babe now without going through all that. It's a blessing and has been sent for a reason.

Darling, keep this baby. It's yours. Once you hold that child you will NEVER regret having him/ her. But if you give in to pressure and terminate you will live to regret it and it will haunt you. Trust me, I've lived it. You do not want a termination, you want your baby. Tell your mum and get the support you need. Good luck.

Well it's obvious you're his cash cow & if you take m/l and then pay nursery fees you won't prioritise his needs anymore. So you have to be kept hard at it so he can run up debts you pay off.

I think you'd find with this type that it's never the right time. Ever.

Your GP def needs reporting.

I don't understand why you don't just wait for him to go out, change the locks & kick him out. You hold all the cards & he's a cocklodging bully.

50% of relationships fail, so there's a real chance you won't even know this guy in 5 years time.

Relationships fail without the added shite that's happening here.

Let's call a spade a spade. Your Partner is telling you to kill your baby. He won't listen to your feelings. He says he won't come with you. So, he knows you will most likely never conceive again, however, he still wants you to travel hundreds of miles away, all alone, and allow someone to kill your baby, then let you give birth to this dead baby alone, and then come home as if nothing happened. I can't begin to tell you what sort of person would do this to someone they are meant to love. He seriously has someone wrong with him.

If you went ahead with the abortion "to do right by him", then quite frankly, I think he's mentally abused you for so long, you really can't see the wood for the trees.

Are you ever going to look at him and feel truly in love, knowing what he made you do? You will end up HATING him, down to his very bones, and you will leave him. So even if you do abort, your relationship has no way of lasting.

On the other hand, you could have this baby, and he could fall in love with it, and in time you could possibly get over this blip. Although, personally I could never forgive such cuntish behaviour, but people have gotten through worse.

So in that sense, I think the only shot at happiness for you, is to have this baby.

Here's another way of looking at it : I was with my ExH for 20 years. We now have no contact whatsoever.

I have 2 adult children. They are in my life on a daily basis, even if it's just to text. They are 2 of my closest friends and I love them more than anyone else on the planet.

Your priorities here are totally skewed. Your unborn baby will be the light of your life. Your Partner will seem insignificant by comparison, once you meet your baby.

Oh, and regards the age thing, 26 is perfect. I was 27 & 28 when I had mine, maybe that's why we are so close.

I just spoke mt my 19 y/o daughter (who is on holiday from Uni) about this thread and asked her what she would do, and she said she'd tell him to fuck off and she'd come home to me so that she had some support.

Tell your parents what's going on. Take time away from your Partner, allowing yourself to focus. Have the baby. It will be wonderful. If he comes round, so be it. If he doesn't, well, you will be fine.

I have a horrible vision of you, all alone in 40 years time, Mr Cunt left you ages ago, you never manged to conceive again, and you can't believe that you killed your baby for someone you wouldn't even recognise on the street.

I am still "considering it" because I want to do the right thing by him

You and your baby are a million times more important than him.

Tell your Dad when you see him. Tell him everything.

I have a horrible vision of you, all alone in 40 years time, Mr Cunt left you ages ago, you never manged to conceive again, and you can't believe that you killed your baby for someone you wouldn't even recognise on the street.

This

Will he be there for you in two weeks...two months...two years....if you terminate?

Take back control of your life - this post is NOT about whether to terminate or not - it's about how you go about separating from someone who has no consideration of your feelings. From what you have said - he just doesn't care about you.

Your G.P should never have equated having a baby with "wasting your life" - you can do whatever you want in life with or without a child. But you will waste your life if you stay with someone who doesn't love you.

Speak to someone in real life as soon as possible. I would hate to think of my daughter going through this and not feeling able to talk to me because of how her partner might be feeling! You need some perspective away from him and his manipulation.

Don't consider it.
Have your baby.
He is a cunt.
I've had a termination and it was my choice and my choice alone. And it was still traumatic.
If someone had pressured me into doing it I really think the regret and guilt would have destroyed me. And it certainly would have destroyed my marriage.

Do what you want to do. Your partner has lost any right to an opinion on this.

Don't let him force you into it, you will regret it forever.

Go and see your dad @Namechanged1234567890 I'm sure he will be horrified at your 'D'P. You won't be bothering him or wasting your parents' time, they love you and will want to help.

Forcing a partner to have an abortion is a pretty horrific form of abuse.

This is your life, your body, your pregnancy. Your partner has NO say whatsoever. You can't possibly keep him happy , so don't even try.

It beggars belief that a GP would think that the reported comment is in any way appropriate.