AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

I'm passionately pro-choice FOR WOMEN - it's your body so it's your choice. Please don't let this horrible man force/guilt you into an abortion you don't want.
Phone your mum today- or better still, go and see her as it's the school hols. One of the benefits of teaching is good maternity pay and leave, you will be fine without this cocklodger.
LTB and tell everyone why and enjoy your pregnancy and baby.

OP if you have fertility issues there is the possibility that conceiving again in the future might not happen for you. And he could swan off in a few years and decide he is now 'ready' for kids with someone else. Please don't make any decisions for him, only for you and your baby.

Do not listen to a word your GP says they should not be relating anything back to what they would want their loved ones to do in your situation. Actually I'd go as far as to report her!

Just in a side note I have felt both my babies move at 19 weeks this is only going to get more real for you in the very near future. There are very few people that genuinely regret their children.

I'm starting to realise that I've become one of those women who perpetually disregards their own needs and feelings and puts them second to their partners.
How did this happen?

Gradually. It happened little by little, over time. Ask me how I know.

I think from what you've said, you should go ahead with the pregnancy and turf him out the door, the useless tit. He's been really cruel, when you are at your most vulnerable, and I would find that unforgiveable.

I think this is one of the worst threads I've ever read on here. Your OH is vile. Just ditch him and keep your baby.

OP, the' old wives' who have lived this situation a long time ago, will all tell you that if this is not your own,calm and well reasoned decision ,you will never forgive yourself or indeed get over it.And even then the what if's every year......

20Weeks is so late in the day.

Your GP is, IMO, overstepping.

Your "D"P is a fucking manchild.

It's up to you, of course, but if you go through with this termination at this stage, I doubt your relationship will recover anyway - so fuck him off and keep the baby.

He should not get the final say in this at all - but the fact that he's fucked you around for weeks, and has been doing all the emotional bollocks and NOW has decided that you should get rid just says he has no fucking clue about life, what he's asking you to do, or any sense of adultness at all. It's not like buying a fucking puppy - this is a life you've created between you, he can't just decide at this stage that he's changed his mind and it's no biggie - it IS a biggie, for YOU.

IF you wanted the termination it would be an entirely different matter - but you don't, do you. You never did - you would have done it earlier and, which I'm struggling with, you're STILL considering it, despite not wanting to go through with it.

Please please please walk away from the idiot you're with - he's going to break you. If you have the termination and regret it, you're going to hate him - but what REALLY worries me, seriously, is that HE is going to turn it back on YOU at a later date and tell you that YOU killed his baby. Seriously. He's a mind-fucker.

So again - keep the baby, dump the mind-fucking manchild. Best option. xxx

Your partner sounds cruel and abusive OP - trying to force you to have a termination, stopping you speaking to your family about it, having tantrums when he doesn't get his own way etc.

In your first post you wrote "would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread." Why would anyone do that, when it is obviously your partner trying to make this decision??
Does he even realise what you would have to go through if you do have a termination now?

I think you should leave him and have the baby - you deserve so much better than him.

It is obvious from your posts that you want this baby, do not let him change your mind. Good luck for the future

@Beefarseer - what you said is spot on.

OP I hope you've got some RL support from somebody other than your 'D'P

She told me she "could could see why it was the the right thing to do", and she'd "definitely want her daughter to terminate", and wouldn't want someone as young as me "wasting their life"

I'm appalled that a GP would give you this advice, full stop, let alone at this stage of the pregnancy. She needs to be reported, this is a disgusting thing to say to a pregnant woman

DP won't entertain any idea of talking about it. "Our descision has been made"

He must be using the Royal we because you have not yet decided (although I think you have in your heart of hearts). It has fuck all to do with him at this stage; he could have given a reasoned opinion earlier in the pregnancy but he didn't, and even then it was your decision alone

Please make this decision for you and you alone. Do not let yourself be bullied, coerced and abused in to doing something you don't want to. This is your decision, nobody else's

I am still "considering it" because I want to do the right thing by him. But I should be living my life not treading on eggshells.
I just want my mum. She's away working at a conference but I'm going to see if she wants to go dinner when she's back and I might go over and see my dad this afternoon/ tonight. He's a bit of an east endy hard man who appears to have no emotion but I'm sure he will be elated that I'm going over, he's very proud but a bit Phil Mitchell minus the violence and alcoholism. (Plus I'll take a Chinese and he won't have to walk the dogs!)

Goodness op, you're "d"p sounds like an absolute arse.

Do not have a termination unless you are certain it is what you want. Tell your mum too, you have no duty to protect him. Granted you don't need to slag him off, leave your mum to draw her own conclusions.

If I were you I would be worried about regretting the abortion but also that your dp will resent you and bring this up for years to come. "You murdered my baby" etc.

Regardless of what you decide you deserve better than this man.

Best wishes op.

Why do you want to do the "right thing" for a guy who is willing to put you through this .. A late abortion op is hell of a thing to go through for a guy that won't even let you have a say in your own life. Call your mum, tell her everything op xx

OP, your partner has really done a number on you. You STILL want to 'do the right thing' by him. He has not earned that. And having a termination might not even be what he wants. Does he realise what he is asking of you? Does he know what is involved, and how much you are against it, and yet he still wants to put you through it? his is not a man whose opinion counts.

Please do go to your parents. And confide in them if they can. I suspect you are not confiding in them because deep down you know how horrific it will be for them to hear, that your partner is putting you through this. because then you will have to face up to it and to admit it to yourself.

You "want to do the right thing by him"? Him as in your partner? But when has he ever considered your feelings in anything, or done the right thing by you?

OP you seem completely in denial about the fact that you are in an abusive relationship.

Please just call or text them now and say you're coming for dinner tonight, please. You need a real live person who loves you to help you with this.

I can't believe the awful situation he's put you in, when you so clearly want this baby.
It's not a joint decision, it's your decision, and it's wonderful that you are financially able to make it work.
Please don't consider his opinion any further. He's hurting you.

I am still "considering it" because I want to do the right thing by him

I feel for you, this is a terribly hard situation, but you must look after yourself and not think about what he wants because he is not thinking about doing right by you. Women are socialised in to putting others first, even in a situation like yours where it is entirely your choice. But now is the time to think solely about you and what you want

Could you ring your mum this evening?

I bet you'll find your parents' protective streak comes out over this. Go see your dad, tell him warts and all what your shithead partner has said. I think you'll find he has more emotion that you realise

I mean wonderful that you are able to consider raising your child alone if necessary. So many women are forced into unhappy choices for practical reasons. You're very lucky!

If you truly want to terminate then you can make that choice too.
But from what you've written it really doesn't seem to be coming from you - it's all him.

I am going to say please please phone Women's aid.

Abuse very commonly increases during pregnancy.

Making a decision about a baby that might be your only ever chance to conceive when you clearly want a baby could be a catastrophic decision for you. Do you have any good friends in RL..( not mutual friends ) .

I usually no matter my opinion on abortion do think it has to be a decision someone has to make themselves..However I want to point out in this case that you are right you will not please him, if you keep the baby it will be well I told you to get rid of it, if you decide to abort ..I have no doubt it will be upsetting at that stage of a baby I think you actually want. But that will be well you went and did it, you took yourself. ..No matter what it will be your fault and a stick to beat him with.

I think you need to take partner out the equasion.. Do you want to raise this child? Then you work out how you raise the child.

I also think no matter what happens your relationship will not survive this. It is a time you should be supported. He has let you down very badly.

As fantastic as my parents are I feel so guilty about going to see them.
I feel so silly for feeling this way. OF course I don't want a termination not this late in the day 😢

I think everyone has said what can be said but just to add, I will join innagazing and you can have my very first LT(cowardly)B.

We were weeks away from our first ivf app and we finally got pregnant naturally. I'm 38 and 15 weeks along. If DH turned around and said anything of the sort about abortion, fucking with my head and refusing to have anything to do with it apart from 'decision has been made' I would be down that solicitors office before you could say 'divorce'!

Take it from someone who struggled for nearly 2 years to conceive and who has friends who are still struggling, getting pregnant is not as easy as people sometimes make out. This could be your only chance.

If you do this (and I'm pro choice but by fuck I hope you don't) there will be regret, resentment and you will end up with no baby and no partner. Because how can you love someone who made you do that?

Follow your OWN heart, get some proper support (kick that judgemental GP to the kerb for starters) and if YOU want which I suspect you do, have your baby. And screw him to be honest because even if he does step up in the end and becomes a loving superdad, how can you ever forget what he has done to you right now?

When will your Mum be back? Even at a conference can you not phone her?
If that were me I'd want my DD to talk to me when she needed to.

OP he's pretty much destroyed your relationship by behaving like this. If you think you can then continue with the pregnancy or go for the termination but it must be YOUR decision and I hope you can find support within your family for whatever you decide to do. BTW at 19 weeks you don't have to Labour it out of you but there is some funny procedure they do so the cervix is opened before you go into surgery. Best of luck whatever you decide, but please please ditch the bloke.

TBH OP given you are this conflicted I can't see you hiding it at any pre-op counselling or interviews anyway...