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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why no one else can see through this person?

111 replies

lill72 · 07/08/2017 08:33

So, I am part of a mothers group. We recently tried to organise a dinner catch up on a group email. The days most were free were tuesday or thursday. I then replied saying I could not do tuesday. Then someone else replied saying they could not do thursday, could we change to tuesday. Then I heard nothing else, until I heard through one of the dads that they ended up going out on the tuesday. I was quite shocked. I was sure it was the organiser doing something sneaky. So I messaged the friends at the dinner and said I was really upset that the day had been changed and then arranged without me knowing about it. By the way, another girl was left out too. The replies I got were so telling. Two of the girls called/messaged saying the were so sorry - but I knew they had nothing to do with it. The girl who instigated this wrote me two huge text messages saying she left it to us to organise a day, that she was meeting one of the other girls to discuss something anyway on the tuesday and that she called the girls as they did not reply to messages etc, etc. All these excuses that gave no explanation as to why the dinner was organised without us and day changed.

This has just been one thing in a long line of passive aggressive behaviour this girl has done and it is now beginning to really irk me. There are things such as always having to organise events, holidays etc as she has to have control, being mean to me on a holiday I was on with her friends, expecting everyone to wait for her, but then not wanting to wait for me at an airport for a visa stamp I needed, never listening to any ideas I have, taking my ideas and then taking credit for them. The list goes on.

No one else sees how 'mean' he is because she hides it behind her generosity. Her culture is very generous, so this comes across as being nice. But I have realised it can also be controlling, as she always wants you in her house, but is not interested to come to hers. Once I organised a birthday party for a friends DS at my place and on the day she tried to move the party to her house!!! Really!!

I just don't know what to do. I really can't stand her anymore but am friends for the sake of our group. No one else can see through behaviour. She knows I know though. It is only time before I snap. What do I do???

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 07/08/2017 08:37

If you dont like her don't spend time with her. See the other group members that you do get on with separately. Groups are fraught with this kind of thing especially if you are thrown together by circumstance rather than by mutual liking. Move on.

Donttouchthethings · 07/08/2017 08:41

*I really can't stand her anymore"

This is your answer.

You can't ignore your feelings and still expect things to go well. Focus on people you like.

SpartacusSaiman · 07/08/2017 08:44

Has it occured to you maybe you are wrong?

If you said you couldnt do the tuesday jn a group email, then everyone there knew you couldnt go.

No one contacted you and yet you put the blame on one person.

By the sound of it, someone would have missed out. Whatever day it was. Thats what happens with groups. Not everyone can go to everything.

dustarr73 · 07/08/2017 08:47

You sound really childish.If you said you couldn't do Tuesday but the majority could.Majority rule.

Just meet the members that you like and leave the other woman alone.

ButchyRestingFace · 07/08/2017 08:47

What do you mean by "her culture"?

RedBullBlood · 07/08/2017 08:48

You don't like her, sounds like she doesn't like you either. Why not see your other friends separately, does it always have to be a group thing?

Namechangetempissue · 07/08/2017 08:48

thanks god that I steered well clear of mum groups and school mum meet ups

Just ignore her and go out with who you like. You don't need to do everything as a huge group.

user1492287253 · 07/08/2017 08:52

If everyone else could do tuesday but you?

HensAndRabbits · 07/08/2017 08:52

You sound quite similar what with you both wanting to host a friends childs birthday at your house.

The fact that she sent you a massive long text about why it was changed (surely just because most people could make the Thursday?) suggests she still wants some kind of friendship with you.

It sounds to me like you're both used to being queen bees so there's going to be conflict.

FanjoForTheMammaries · 07/08/2017 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WildKiwi · 07/08/2017 08:55

I recently experienced a mother's group snubbing. Group generally meets every few weeks on a particular day. Usually a day or two before people message to see who's around/suggest where to meet. Last time I replied saying I'd be there. One lady offered to host and specifically named the others who'd said they'd be going, missing my name out.

Could have just been an mistake, but I'd had the feeling for a while that I was being sidelined and even my DH (who always tries to see things in the most positive light) said it read as a quite pointed exclusion.

My approach has been I can't be bothered with it. Not going to get into an argument about it and not going to get involved any more. I'll keep in touch with people I'm particular friends with.

MarmaladeAtkinsX · 07/08/2017 08:58

If you have a toxic friendship things are not going to get better. If you shut her out of your life you'll feel better, but be prepared to lose other friends.

Original poster

lill72 · 07/08/2017 08:58

duststar - yeah sure if there was a majority, There was no majority day most could.This girl preferred tuesday so orchestrated it to suit her. The kept rest of us in the dark about what she was doing, which is very underhand.

Spartacus - is this was the case, it would have been mentioned. This girl knew exactly what she was doing. This is many things in a long line of behaviour.

We have been put together as a group and all worked well for a while until patterns emerged. The problem is I have to see her when the whole group meet - but I will not see her alone.

Culture - she is from a European country - wont name which as it is not relevant. Just to say that its people are known to be very generous.

OP posts:

HeyRoly · 07/08/2017 08:59

When it comes to these kind of groups, there will always be a queen bee around which all plans are made to suit, whereas if others can't make it, no one seems that bothered.

Same with me: I'm an outlier and doubt I'm missed if I can't make an evening out. Others get fawned over with people saying what a shame it is they can't come, etc etc. And I'm pretty sure they're the most popular because they're have a lot of money...

KungFuEric · 07/08/2017 09:04

But what would you suggest op, that it happen on a Thursday and she be the one to be excluded? If you felt you were unfairly treated then you must accept you were hoping to treat her unfairly and make her the excluded one. Or you accept its bloody hard work organising multiple people events and sometimes people won't be able to make each event.

It's very unusual to host birthday parties on behalf of other people's children too, it seems to me like you dislike one another because you both want the same spot in the group.

Original poster

lill72 · 07/08/2017 09:06

user - no most could do thursday and that was the day until a latecomer came and asked for the day to change. If you reply late, surely it is unfair to expect the day to change. Two of us were excluded.

hens - she is trying to maintain a friendship as she doesnt know anything is wrong really. But she is also very much trying to cover her tracks.

OP posts:

Anatidae · 07/08/2017 09:06

It all sounds very overdramatic. Can you be arsed with it?

I couldn't. But I also wouldn't give a toss if people had trouble organising a date and settled on one I wasnt free. My response would be 'meh, have fun, see you next time if I'm free' and not all the dramatics.

Find a new group, or just don't let it bother you. It sounds like a bit of a queen bee/playground dynamic. Are they a really young group?

Original poster

lill72 · 07/08/2017 09:09

kungfu - no this is very incorrect.
After me organising and cooking etc one of the mums called saying the birthday boy may have chicken pox. So my friend wanted to take some of the party to her house as they didnt care about chicken pox. Long story but I was being excluded from the party I organised. It was very insensitive as are many things she does. Hard to explain it all!

OP posts:

minisoksmakehardwork · 07/08/2017 09:11

I don't think there is anything deliberately malicious there. The other woman said she was already meeting others on the Tuesday so the group just went with that I guess. Is there any reason why you couldn't have met up with those who could make the Thursday on that day as well anyway? Especially as another woman was left out I don't think it was aimed to exclude you specifically.

Fwiw I think we sometimes get too wrapped up in being part of a group of 'mummy friends' 🤢. I have friends I have known since childhood and we get together as and when, don't stress if one of us has to miss out etc.

Yet the mum's I have got to know at the school gate... well safe to say one or two I consider good friends as we socialise like my oldest friends and don't stress if things don't happen. But there is a pack mentality driven by a queen bee and if your face doesn't fit (or you dare to disagree with her) then moves are made to exclude and badmouth to all who will listen.

If you aren't being bad mouthed then it really is just people getting together as and when suits them. So arrange things more flexibly. Ie 'I'm going for a coffee at X on Y, who else wants to come' and accept that another time you might not be able to make a gathering.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 09:13

It's all a bit childish " she knows I know" " trying to cover her tracks" seriously she not a felon in a JAMES bond movie.

You said you couldn't do the Tuesday, so are you saying they shouldn't have went out on a day you couldn't make it?

I suspect she doesn't like you as much as you don't like her. Stop being overly dramatic and try to put it in some context. It's a meal out with some mates. There will be others. If you can go, go if you can't don't, and don't text everyone at the meal, it just reflects badly on you and makes everyone uncomfortable.

user1498911589 · 07/08/2017 09:14

The days most were free were tuesday or thursday. I then replied saying I could not do tuesday. Then someone else replied saying they could not do thursday, could we change to tuesday. Then I heard nothing else, until I heard through one of the dads that they ended up going out on the tuesday. I was quite shocked. I was sure it was the organiser doing something sneaky. So I messaged the friends at the dinner and said I was really upset that the day had been changed and then arranged without me knowing about it

You are over reacting, there were a choice of two days and you couldn't make it. It happens, another time you will be able to go and somebody else won't. You are coming across as immature and insecure, do you struggle with self esteem usually?

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 07/08/2017 09:14

The Tuesday Thursday thing is neither here nor there. Sometimes people can't make one date, another is better and the organisers tend to get more input. Next time suggest Tuesday and start making arrangements for the event with everyone - times, locations, transport.

However it does sound like there is a history between you. The best you can do is not be bothered or engaged with any crap.

GinIsIn · 07/08/2017 09:16

So, because someone didn't want to expose all and sundry to chicken pox, that's an attempt to deliberately exclude you? It seems like you want there to be an issue so are creating a grudge from nothing.

Shannith · 07/08/2017 09:27

You sound like very hard work. I'd probably avoid you too.

FrancisCrawford · 07/08/2017 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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