to wonder why no one else can see through this person?

[lill72]

So, I am part of a mothers group. We recently tried to organise a dinner catch up on a group email. The days most were free were tuesday or thursday. I then replied saying I could not do tuesday. Then someone else replied saying they could not do thursday, could we change to tuesday. Then I heard nothing else, until I heard through one of the dads that they ended up going out on the tuesday. I was quite shocked. I was sure it was the organiser doing something sneaky. So I messaged the friends at the dinner and said I was really upset that the day had been changed and then arranged without me knowing about it. By the way, another girl was left out too. The replies I got were so telling. Two of the girls called/messaged saying the were so sorry - but I knew they had nothing to do with it. The girl who instigated this wrote me two huge text messages saying she left it to us to organise a day, that she was meeting one of the other girls to discuss something anyway on the tuesday and that she called the girls as they did not reply to messages etc, etc. All these excuses that gave no explanation as to why the dinner was organised without us and day changed.

This has just been one thing in a long line of passive aggressive behaviour this girl has done and it is now beginning to really irk me. There are things such as always having to organise events, holidays etc as she has to have control, being mean to me on a holiday I was on with her friends, expecting everyone to wait for her, but then not wanting to wait for me at an airport for a visa stamp I needed, never listening to any ideas I have, taking my ideas and then taking credit for them. The list goes on.

No one else sees how 'mean' he is because she hides it behind her generosity. Her culture is very generous, so this comes across as being nice. But I have realised it can also be controlling, as she always wants you in her house, but is not interested to come to hers. Once I organised a birthday party for a friends DS at my place and on the day she tried to move the party to her house!!! Really!!

I just don't know what to do. I really can't stand her anymore but am friends for the sake of our group. No one else can see through behaviour. She knows I know though. It is only time before I snap. What do I do???

Sounds like a primary school.
Mothers (and fathers) should be beyond this nonsense.
Just accept this person may have a problem with you and see who you want when you want.

When it went quiet why didnt you ask some questions like 'so where are we all meeting then?' When they replied we're going on tuesday you could have said 'ok sorry to miss this, anyone fancy meeting me on thursday as well?' If no one replies you have your answer that they dont like you

Take a step back and look at this through fresh eyes.

1. The group meet up changes to a day when a significant minority were meeting the other woman anyway.

1. You organise birthday parties in your home for another person.

1. You fear you are being pushed out of the group.

1 is easily answered by saying the others were perhaps more flexible on days available and felt why meet up twice when once will do. Especially if they have other things they want to do. Not every sahm is a lady who lunches.

1. That imo is controlling behaviour from you. You were organising the food. You were hosting and the birthday boy's mum didn't contact you to let you know about pox. Now either she wasn't bothered about the pox or she felt you were over-invested in her child's birthday party and didn't know how to tell you. Have your children had pox? Maybe other woman was aware yours hadn't and kindly offered to host so you minimised the risk to your children.

1. This is could just be paranoia based on your needing to be part of a group and be the lynch pin, the one no one can do without. What else do you do, other than being a parent. Do you have any outside interests?

I'm not criticising. Some people need to feel needed and once someone else comes along who also needs to be needed, you start fighting with each other to fulfil that role. The healthy way to look at it is what do you do elsewhere that the other woman doesn't, what are your interests and can you widen your social circle so you are not reliant on the group alone for company.

No Advice OP as such but I have experienced similar the term is called 'gas lighting'.
My DH's best friends wife was like this. A sneaky nasty piece of work the others never saw this, well some did initially but she ingratiated herself with them to such an extent and became so useful socially they overlooked this.
I don't want to give out myself by giving away too many details.
Before she came along either I organized something or another man who was single organized nights out weekends away camping etc. It didn't really matter neither of us minded organizing things it was always fairly low key and we are both quite good at it and happy to take it on as no one else was interested.
But then she came along and at first we didn't mind welcomed her into the fold and let her organize some things. The power went to her head next she was inviting her sister and her large family, her brother and people she worked with who no one knew. She sulked if she didn't get her own way and was nasty to her then boyfriend my DH's mate. Eventually after a time she became more and more integral to the group. Especially as the single man started going out with one of her friends from works sister!!! Everything always had to take place at her house, she organized absolutely everything at every time of year, invited extras. When she and I had kids her and her friend from work would agree a date between themselves for a night out and send a text out about an adults only night out at x time yet DH and I had no sitters (they both had sitters on tap). She was sarcastic that we hadn't made it yet again in group texts. Sometimes we paid for a sitter and she was lovely for first half hour then became really moody and either gave you the cold shoulder or became withdrawn. When we went away her kids and her friend from works kids would take x so my two were upset and left out as their kids all had x. As they got older I asked her to let me know if the kids were taking, bikes, scooters, kites or whatever she never did. So my kids were sad and always felt left out, had the wrong thing and blamed me that they didn't have x with them. One time they would turn up with massive bags/box of strawberries, pea pods or blueberries or whatever as her kids were soo healthy. The next time they would turn up with a massive bag of pick n mix type sweets and refuse to share etc etc. Whatever I took was wrong and out of sync. Either my kids only ate rubbish if I gave them a bag of crisps and an apple as a snack or something. Or had I not bought them any sweets when there's had massive bags etc. Either way hers were so stuffed they never ate there tea or dinner which she made into a battle.
You are probably right OP and she is probably being manipulative read
Nearest thing to crazy - Elizabeth Forbes, it's a good read if nothing else.
Eventually she and I had a big argument and now her DH isn't allowed to see mine for a night out unless another man organises it. Her kids stopped speaking to mine at primary and were really arsey about it and cheeky about me. Not only did she not speak to me she gave me the dirtiest looks you could imagine and if our paths ever crossed taking the kids to an activity or in town when none of her cronies were around she would barge past me nearly knocking me and the kids out. This happened about six/seven years ago. If I am at Secondary school for a parents evening or at a function when she is there the atmosphere is awful and I still feel really uncomfortable.
Good luck hopefully your friend isn't as bad as this woman who still thinks the world revolves around her.

It's not easy to organise things to suit everyone - the person organising always gets the blame. Why don't you organise it next time?

BrightEyes

...and let her organise some things.

You let her??

What a fuss.

I think being in friendship groups with other mums is exhausting. You're flung together because of one common denominator - your kids and I think it takes a lot more than that to be real friends.

I was in a group like this when my first son was small and quickly realised it was too much effort. I was much happier when I stopped stressing about being invited to things with people I didn't care much about anyway.

Concentrate on your real friends and only attend these group things if you really want to. Your kids will grow up and you'll look back and see that pandering to someone else's ego was a waste of time.

LemonRedwood she was new to the group. Either the group asked me or the other man to organise things or one of us offered. When I saw we let her I mean the group let her.
The group initially formed because the men had a shared interest. Although the other woman had being going out with DH's mate before I went out with DH she had never socialized with the group until after I met DH. We had some mutual friends and we were often down the pub together. I got on really well with all DH's mates. A comment made by DH and he said she was never involved until I came on the scene.

@lill72 I know of someone like that - not part of the group I'm in, as I avoid that set, but someone who is upsetting a friend of mine who is part of that group. Sounds so familiar, right down to the European country and generosity. The town/city/location you are in doesn't begin with "G" does it?!

Say not saw.

It's all a bit dramatic isn't it. In the group of people I socialise with, there was one woman who clearly didn't want to include me in anything she arranged but wanted to be included in every single thing that everyone else did. i.e. a quick coffee at someone's house - she would be upset if two people did this and she wasn't invited.

I couldn't give a shiny shite and let her get on with it. I saw the people I wanted to and left it at that. Life's too short to get involved in crap like that.

But then she came along and at first we didn't mind welcomed her into the fold and let her organize some things. The power went to her head

This all sounds very 'exclusive'...

Oh thanks Shannith - that is helpful. You sound like a nice person.

Hmmm overly dramatic I dont think so. This is the event that has broken things for me - it is a long line of controlling the group behaviour by this person and Ive had enough

Not exactly sure how this makes me hard work.

Childish no I dont think so. It is just that I would not operate like this girl, and stop group messages and organise something without telling the group. So its hurtful.

If it was a majority rules thing Id be ok, but it was not.

I am going through early menopause which I have only just found out - so dealing with lots. Perhaps Im been more sensitive than usual. But in general I would not behave the way this girl has been.

Wilburissomepig it got much more exclusive after that believe you me.
What she would do when we were away was discuss what she wanted to do with any one person usually her work friends husband who was a complete push over and would agree with everything she said then she would announce well we have decided we are going to do this today.
Like another poster states no one ever knew the time when we were setting off for day to x (the departure time varied for exactly when she was ready). Sometimes we were up and organised waiting to go and it was a late start/set off time. Other times it was a mad rush saying to me '....you are going to be left behind as we are all leaving in 5 minutes'. It was very stressful when the kids were young I would have been perfectly happy doing our own thing but our DC wanted to be with the other kids as did DH. I started to completely dread spending time with them.

Denies being childish
Calls grown women girls

This sounds barmey.
Just let it go.
And find something better to do with your time.
Generous culture?!?

Mis - You have got it so wrong. I am the least controlling person you could meet. I am happy to see things from another perspective but your fresh eyes are simply incorrect.

paranoia - so how would you feel if you went on a holiday abroad with said friend and her friend, none of whom you know very well and said friend went out of her way to make fun of you wit snide remarks and then at the hotel nab the best room that did not include you - ie not looking after her friend particularly. Then all weekend make us all wait for ages while she did shopping, then happily said she was not prepared to go back wit me to a shop I wanted to revisit for something. I have no time for her anymore, but to be friends with the others who are lovely, I have to keep friendly with her on the surface. As we met as a group, we do lots as a group

Samoyed - no it is not. But Im sorry your friend has has had problems.

Really makes me annoyed people think this is childish behaviour to be hurt.

I am hurt because someone is rude, unkind and insensitive. How is this childish? Because I am talking about it?

So we should just let people be rude ?

I have not confronted my friend, but I have mentioned I was upset by the last dinner. I left it there and wont go out of my way to spend time with this person.

wonko - sorry it may be where I'm from not UK) but we always say we're going out with the girls??!!!

Ktown - the country where she is from is known for having people that are generous with their hopsitality etc. More than the UK, so generosity gets confused with niceness.

lill72 Some nasty people out to aggravate you on here rather than be supportive. Sorry you don't need this. As your original post said it was the way it was done it that you were left out.

Brighteyes - sorry you have been through something similar. It is hard when it is someone you cant escape.

@lill72 It's hard in a mums' group isn't it? In the back of your mind is always the feeling that you're trying to make friends for the sake of your children, so that makes any rejection all the more difficult. But I can only say you should try and stay away from people that make you feel bad, as it's not worth the self-doubt...even if it means finding a new group to be a part of. There is something called the Hoop app, which tells you about children's events in your area. Also the website meetup.com has some great resources for meeting people with kids in your area. Good luck

Thanks Samoyed - this mums group has been going for six years so out babies are all now at school - though we still meet up quite regularly and Ive been on family trips and mums trips with them all. It's been lovely. Until now. Ive just had enough of one person controlling it all and never having a say

I've made lots of lovely mum friends at the school who I chose so to speak. There's always someone to catch up with, so I don't feel I have to be with this girl and that group all the time. We were like family for a while but I dont feel it any more. So I'm moving on.

Good for you OP. Take care. It is very difficult but some people aren't happy unless they are totally in control at others expense. I witness this a lot among girls my DD's age at secondary obviously learned from there mothers.