to wonder why no one else can see through this person?

[lill72]

So, I am part of a mothers group. We recently tried to organise a dinner catch up on a group email. The days most were free were tuesday or thursday. I then replied saying I could not do tuesday. Then someone else replied saying they could not do thursday, could we change to tuesday. Then I heard nothing else, until I heard through one of the dads that they ended up going out on the tuesday. I was quite shocked. I was sure it was the organiser doing something sneaky. So I messaged the friends at the dinner and said I was really upset that the day had been changed and then arranged without me knowing about it. By the way, another girl was left out too. The replies I got were so telling. Two of the girls called/messaged saying the were so sorry - but I knew they had nothing to do with it. The girl who instigated this wrote me two huge text messages saying she left it to us to organise a day, that she was meeting one of the other girls to discuss something anyway on the tuesday and that she called the girls as they did not reply to messages etc, etc. All these excuses that gave no explanation as to why the dinner was organised without us and day changed.

This has just been one thing in a long line of passive aggressive behaviour this girl has done and it is now beginning to really irk me. There are things such as always having to organise events, holidays etc as she has to have control, being mean to me on a holiday I was on with her friends, expecting everyone to wait for her, but then not wanting to wait for me at an airport for a visa stamp I needed, never listening to any ideas I have, taking my ideas and then taking credit for them. The list goes on.

No one else sees how 'mean' he is because she hides it behind her generosity. Her culture is very generous, so this comes across as being nice. But I have realised it can also be controlling, as she always wants you in her house, but is not interested to come to hers. Once I organised a birthday party for a friends DS at my place and on the day she tried to move the party to her house!!! Really!!

I just don't know what to do. I really can't stand her anymore but am friends for the sake of our group. No one else can see through behaviour. She knows I know though. It is only time before I snap. What do I do???

But if everyone else is fine with her and you are the only one with the problem, maybe it's just your problem.

Also, she's not a girl, she's a woman.

It all just sounds incredibly needy and childish on all sides. This business of everyone having to go out together, you wanting everyone to wait for you at the airport, you being resentful that everyone waited whilst she went shopping, being annoyed by the plans each day on holiday.

Why don't you just grow up and have some agency in your own life, take the initiative get up on holiday and do what you want, why would you need others to wait for you at the airport surely you can just catch up with them a few minutes later.
Basically grow up and make your own decisions rather than insisting on a group dynamic that you are plainly resentful of. It sounds rather like this woman prioritises her own needs and wants (understandable) and you then don't speak up but seethe internally, somehow expecting her to know how upset you are.

i know exactly the type you mean. Master master manipulators. Quite often when you first meet, they are super super friendly, almost unnervingly friendly and generous with time, compliments etc. You think 'what a wonderful person' and don't hesitate to introduce them to others. They integrate into a group and slowly slowly, take over it - all the time being super super friendly and lovely, whilst very subtly playing people off against each other, creating waves and making sure everything is done exactly the way they want it to be.

lemon - how wrong you have it all. Though I can understand why you might think what you think, you have to understand this is a build of frustration over time... so the waiting is a whole lot of frustration over how I was treated on the holidays and how this person was very unkind to me on many occasions, in addition to all the things that have happened over the years, slowly building up and up.

So yes, I dont NEED others to wait for me, it was just very unkind the way she asked not to wait. This is my reaction to treatment over time of being a second class citizen to others in the group. It is hard to explain I guess - just to say of course i can organise myself and do my own thing and i do - it is just the way our group has operated as we were put together as a group. I have had many great, amazing times with them so this is why it has taken me a while to realise the lay of the land. I have realised over time how I have been treated - as this person is ever so nice and sweet as she gets her own way.

Cambodian - she is exactly as you describe.

So Lemon - whilst i stick up for myself in most scenarios of life and Im not afraid of confrontation - I feel like I can't say anything as this person just takes charge and suggests something like it is gospel. If you dare have another suggestion, people either think you are are being disagreeable or something. I cant win either way to be honest which is why i shut up.

I chose the acccommodation on a holiday which she booked so took the credit when people praised her and when I chose a place for dinner recently, she gave someone else credit. I dont want any credit for goodness sake - I do not care. But don't be mean about it!

not ever - I am not sure everyone is ok with her.

Stella - how can I play her at her own game? I just dont now what to do and how to handle this ongoing. I have to see her to see the rest the others.

Yeah you're hard work and Id avoid you. Stop calling grown women "girls" for a start. YABU and making a mountain out of a mole hill.

gosh Xenthe.... that is helpful. You sound nice.

'Girls' must be a British problem. No one would bat an eyelid at this in Oz!

My Canadian mother in law calls her friends the 'girls' at age 66 - that's not the issue in this thread ffs!!
The problem is the OP has a shitty member of her group and has asked for advice. The people who have said she's hard work or have told her to grow up have either never experienced someone who deliberately sets out to exclude them, etc or are just very thick skinned and don't care.
OP you have my sympathy. My only advice is to be open to alternative friendships. Keep in touch with the original group members you like and if they're genuine, they'll reciprocate.
I now prefer to see people on a one to one basis rather than be in a group.

Pretty sure I have got it right actually! Your responses on this thread show that you are only interested in hearing from people who agree with you and anyone who sees things from a different perspective has 'got it all wrong'

What sort of an adult needs to get 'credit' for choosing a restaurant, it's all so childish. As another poster said, you sound like very hard work. My guess is she is actually fine and you are massively over sensitive and a bit of a drama queen.

First world problems..... I couldn't actually stomach reading all your posts.

I know this is a bit old fashioned and all that, but instead of dramatising your issues on the Web, why don't you talk to this "girl"? Or, try spending time with people you actually like?

It always baffles me why, just because women happen to conceive within a few months of each other, and happen to live within a radius of each other, and happen to drop off at the same school...it is expected that you are automatically "friends". Not in my opinion. I have lots of acquaintances I am on friendly nodding terms with. Friends? They are something special, few and far between and not to be forced.

Are you sure you are not a 13 year old who has hijacked her mum's account?

i know exactly the type you mean. Master master manipulators. Quite often when you first meet, they are super super friendly, almost unnervingly friendly and generous with time, compliments etc. You think 'what a wonderful person' and don't hesitate to introduce them to others. They integrate into a group and slowly slowly, take over it - all the time being super super friendly and lovely, whilst very subtly playing people off against each other, creating waves and making sure everything is done exactly the way they want it to be

Yep. I've seen this happen too. Its kind of amazing to see it in action once you're aware of what to look for.

I've also experienced it in another way. There was a woman in my mum and baby group that I took an instant dislike too the moment I laid eyes on her. I knew she was a snob and a fake, and not surprisingly, I was proved right. The weird thing was she seemed to consider me "suitable" for her company, but she didn't extend that "worthiness" (eyeroll) to many of the others in the group; yet ironically the majority all thought she was great. I guess she thought my nice house and husband's professional job were a step above the other ladies' in the group and therefore "worthy" of her friendship. No thanks. Thankfully she showed her true colours about a year into the group and ended up bowing out/not being invited to things, whereas the rest of us are still friends years later.

You have my sympathies, OP. It can be incredibly difficult to deal with this sort of underhandedness and manipulation, especially when the others are still blind to it. Hopefully they'll wake up to it sooner or later.

Speckled- thank you. At least someone gets it! Very hard to understand if you have not been through it.

lemon and limes - drama queen ha I am so far from it is a joke .Everyone would say I am very easy going. Not hard work. So nope, nope you don't have it right at all. You really do not....sensitive is the only part you have right. Why would I agree with you if you are actually saying incorrect things about me?

Wido - why can't I speak to her? Hmmm well as she would deny all. All her underhand behaviour is covered in 'nice' behaviour. So hard to bring up .... that is why. 13 giveover. Dont read if you dont want to!!!!

If I was at home these friendships wouldnt matter two hoots, as I have all my friends and family here. Here in another country they do mean more.

emmy - oh that sounds so awful. Worthy enough - ugh I know these type of women