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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why no one else can see through this person?

111 replies

lill72 · 07/08/2017 08:33

So, I am part of a mothers group. We recently tried to organise a dinner catch up on a group email. The days most were free were tuesday or thursday. I then replied saying I could not do tuesday. Then someone else replied saying they could not do thursday, could we change to tuesday. Then I heard nothing else, until I heard through one of the dads that they ended up going out on the tuesday. I was quite shocked. I was sure it was the organiser doing something sneaky. So I messaged the friends at the dinner and said I was really upset that the day had been changed and then arranged without me knowing about it. By the way, another girl was left out too. The replies I got were so telling. Two of the girls called/messaged saying the were so sorry - but I knew they had nothing to do with it. The girl who instigated this wrote me two huge text messages saying she left it to us to organise a day, that she was meeting one of the other girls to discuss something anyway on the tuesday and that she called the girls as they did not reply to messages etc, etc. All these excuses that gave no explanation as to why the dinner was organised without us and day changed.

This has just been one thing in a long line of passive aggressive behaviour this girl has done and it is now beginning to really irk me. There are things such as always having to organise events, holidays etc as she has to have control, being mean to me on a holiday I was on with her friends, expecting everyone to wait for her, but then not wanting to wait for me at an airport for a visa stamp I needed, never listening to any ideas I have, taking my ideas and then taking credit for them. The list goes on.

No one else sees how 'mean' he is because she hides it behind her generosity. Her culture is very generous, so this comes across as being nice. But I have realised it can also be controlling, as she always wants you in her house, but is not interested to come to hers. Once I organised a birthday party for a friends DS at my place and on the day she tried to move the party to her house!!! Really!!

I just don't know what to do. I really can't stand her anymore but am friends for the sake of our group. No one else can see through behaviour. She knows I know though. It is only time before I snap. What do I do???

OP posts:
Original poster
lill72 · 07/08/2017 12:57

thank you Bright Eyes.

OP posts:
Original poster
lill72 · 07/08/2017 18:03

I feel like I just can't win with group events. This one girl as to take the led on holiday suggestions etc and once she has offered up a suggestion, then you seem to come across as disagreeable if you dare to suggest it might not suit you or you've got another idea. So everyone just has to go along with her idea. I feel like I don't have a voice at all. I am not from the UK and so feel a bit alien sometimes as I just dont have this group dynamic with friends in my home country. I have found lovely friends who are of similar ilk at school.

I used to think it was a language barrier to this friend as english is her second language but after meeting her other friends who I got along famously with and who got my humour and me, it is definitely a personality clash. She just doesnt listen and doesnt care to talk about anyone but herself.

Rant over

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 07/08/2017 18:30

Some of the biggest nutbars I have ever come across have been uncommonly, almost jarringly, generous and "nice". They do it to hide their unacceptable behaviour. It is creepy and manipulative (to be honest its creepy enough just experiencing their ludicrous niceness).

There are variations on this. For example people who are overly helpful with practical things because they know they are going to be emotionally crap/high maintenance/opinionated and on some unconscious level want you to trade that off against their practical help (my DH's parents).

They are all best avoided.

minisoksmakehardwork · 07/08/2017 19:09

I don't mean to come across as critical so sincere apologies if that's how you've felt from my comments.

There's two women where I live who are hell bent on excluding some of us from various activities but always manage to make themselves look the victim, so I do understand how you feel.

I've wondered myself if the problem is down to me, if I'm just imagining it, if things would be different if I toed their party line. The truth is these type of people will milk a person for everything they can get and once their purpose has been served, they move onto the next person.

People are slowly seeing that these women aren't as innocent as they appear. But many still defend them, because they've wound up with connections in the right place, so all we can do is withdraw, nurse our wounds and make alternative plans.

So; you continue to make dates with your other friends, if some can't make it, ah well, maybe next time. Be very careful not to badmouth her in front of them, it just goes in their favour. 'Oh, I haven't heard from them' was the line I trotted out regularly about my two women or 'no, I wasn't invited...' and just leave that statement hanging. Never try to justify why. You just end up making them look even more reasonable and you look like the flake.

Original poster
lill72 · 07/08/2017 22:39

Mis - thanks for your message. That's very kind and indeed this last post resonates with me so much actually. I too often wonder if I am the one imagining all of this stuff and wonder is things would be different if I just toed the line too. Which to be honest I do most of the time but sometimes I don't - like when a group holiday was organised - which was overpriced glamping I wasnt so keen. But for some reason she is the designated organiser of holidays. It's as if the rest of it have no idea what to do??!!

I just wonder why no one else can see what I can now clearly see- it all became clear when I went on holiday with her friends. the way she treated me (like she did not want me there) and indeed the way she spoke to her friends too showed her up to be a very self centred person.

Kimmy - your post rings so true to me as you know what - she comes across as super nice and generous. She used to give me so much stuff and be so nice and I'd wonder how someone could be that nice. Surely she has to crack at some point.....

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purplecollar · 07/08/2017 22:47

One thing I learned long after the event, was that they can see through it. It's just easier for them to go along with it.

I used to wonder how anybody liked this hideous woman I knew from toddler groups then the school playground.

She was always organising things. But could be so horrible to people who didn't "suck up" enough to her. (Me being one). It puzzled me for years. Why can't they see what a cow she is? She would deliberately leave people out or find little ways to humiliate or punish them.

Years later, people admitted to me, they didn't actually like her at all. It was just easier to put up with it. And quite hard to get out of it, once they were in.

Original poster
lill72 · 07/08/2017 22:59

purple -did you write a post earlier? I can't see if? I am just not sure what you are refering to in your first sentence.

But what you say about the organising woman rings true for me - this is what my friend' is like too. Why oh why can't people see. One of the others out of the blue said the other night that this person is so generous to mask her pain as she has a very mean father and her kind mother died, But I dont think she is masking pain - she is masking a mean streak. I just really dont know why the others dont see it. I just cant tal to anyone about it but am finding it harder and harder to grin and bear it - I am going to crack soon in front of her. i have been too nice for too long

OP posts:
Angel64391 · 07/08/2017 23:24

No YANBU at all. I'm going through similar with a 'friend' of mine. Passive aggressive comments, myself and my DD left out of group days out with the kids organised by her, not invited on girls nights out or asked last minute making it very difficult for me to attend. When I do go it's literally playground shit, whispering and talking in codes and running off to toilet to tell secrets 🙄 It's not a nice feeling and makes it more frustrating when most don't seem to see what you see. I've called her out on her behaviour many times and been made to feel like I'm paranoid and unreasonable. Another couple of friends are also on the receiving end of this behaviour so I at least have someone to talk to about things when they get too much.

Easier said than done but just ignore her. From experience people like this are devious and calling them out on their behaviour will only shed you in a negative light. Plus it takes more energy to be bothered and react negatively to someone than it does to just ignore them. People will soon realise (or so Im hoping)

Original poster
lill72 · 08/08/2017 13:05

Gosh I am sorry you are going through similar Angel - it is so awful isn't it - especially when is it so insidious. I totally agree if you call these people out they will just put it all back on you, so you come out looking like the bad one. I would never bring it up with this girl - she would deny all while smiling.

I recently snapped at an airport when the girl wanted to go ahead rather than wait a minute for me. It was a bit rich given on a prior holiday that we had to wait on one occasion an hour for her while she bought something. She couldnt wait five minutes for me. So rude.

She was as sweet as pie after this - wonder why?!

I apologised to another girls afterwards for sort of getting a bit upset - but this girl (who gets along with this person) basically said our group is good cause there is no fighting. ie - there will be no fighting as there is no problem. It has now made me look bad and this girl keeps getting away with things... for how long who knows... I cant see the others changing their mind on her

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Papafran · 08/08/2017 13:14

Sorry, I can't get over how someone with a 6 year old child (from your username, born in 1972 so 45 years old?) calls everyone in this group a 'girl'. Saying 'going out with the girls' (which i don't) is not the same as referring to an individual as 'a girl' when discussing her.

What would you say if your husband/partner said, there's this boy at work who I don't like and the 'boy' in question turned out to be in his mid-40's?

FanjoForTheMammaries · 08/08/2017 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brighteyes27 · 08/08/2017 14:17

Personally up north we also say going out with 'the girls' too we would never say I am going out with 'the women' and DH goes out with 'the lads' or 'the boys'?!? Get over yourself.

Viviennemary · 08/08/2017 14:25

Whichever day was chosen was probably going to mean that at least one person wasn't going to make it. But it was mean of them to go ahead without even telling you. Let it go this time and if it happens again and you think it's deliberate then find new friends.

Papafran · 08/08/2017 15:59

But isn't there a difference between colloquially saying 'going out with the girls' to refer to a group of women and repeatedly referring to a specific woman in her 30s and 40s as a 'girl'? Maybe not...

Original poster
lill72 · 08/08/2017 18:25

Vivien - yes it was a bit mean wasnt it? So called friend said she had called the others (well 2 of the 4 of us) as she hadnt heard from them (sort of incorrect as they had messaged) and the got all 'confused' by the messages. Bulls**t. She didn;t get confused at all. Just went with the day that suited her and the people she presumably wanted the most. So dont bloody organise a group dinner. I don't know really where I stand with her but her mean girl behaviour has put me off her completely.

Papafran - sorry to cause such a stir! Maybe it's one of those funny things us Aussies say like Weetbix, skivvys and bathes!

OP posts:
HipsterHunter · 08/08/2017 18:27

Just invite the people you do like out in a smaller group

HipsterHunter · 08/08/2017 18:28

Just went with the day that suited her and the people she presumably wanted the most.

Well.... yeah.

If I organise a group think I generally check in with my closest friend which days they can do, then open it up to the group.

Original poster
lill72 · 08/08/2017 18:31

Yes but Hipster - we are a mothers group so have always organised things with the whole group. yes in normal friend groups you would do as you say. But this organising of our activities has always involved the whole group.

OP posts:
HensAndRabbits · 08/08/2017 18:34

But as kids get older, you start having 2nd/3rd kids people can't make every event. So you organise things that most people can make and is also convenient for the organiser.

Sostenueto · 08/08/2017 18:39

Is this adults? Seems like your all teenagers in this group of yours op.

Original poster
lill72 · 08/08/2017 18:49

Hens - yes well understood. But the fact that the chat went of the whatsapp group made it all seem a bit sneaky.

Sosento - hey I'm not playing games - one certain person in the group is. I'm allowed to feel hurt am I not? You don't really understand if you say comments like this.

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Bluntness100 · 08/08/2017 18:49

So it's a really small group? Three of you could make one night and two couldn't, so the three went out? And this isn't allowed? It has to be all five or nothing and everyone has to be aware and invited and happy for it to go ahead with out them? Or the others are not permitted to go Out? Is that what you're saying?

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2017 18:51

And they are not permitted side conversations, all has to be communicated to the whole group?

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2017 18:56

Sorry, thinking about this now, are they all told the group rules i.e. Was she aware of them and did she agree. Did you make the rules up as a group?

Anatidae · 08/08/2017 18:59

Do you really enjoy this group? It just seems like a huge hassle, a bit bitchy and queen bee Ish. I'd really hate to be involved with something like this. I have enough going on without playground politics and all this power play.

Op maybe just call it quits and hang out with them individually if/when you can make it. It all just sounds way more hassle than fun. I can't imagine ANY group of five people I know being able to always meet as a group. Jobs, kids, and life generallyvjust make that almost impossible.

It all sounds unbearably childish and dramatic (I'm not saying you do, I'm saying the whole set up does.)

You want a nice Swedish antenatal group where no one makes eye contact and everyone ferverently hopes they never ever have to socialise outside the group Grin