to wonder why no one else can see through this person?

[lill72]

So, I am part of a mothers group. We recently tried to organise a dinner catch up on a group email. The days most were free were tuesday or thursday. I then replied saying I could not do tuesday. Then someone else replied saying they could not do thursday, could we change to tuesday. Then I heard nothing else, until I heard through one of the dads that they ended up going out on the tuesday. I was quite shocked. I was sure it was the organiser doing something sneaky. So I messaged the friends at the dinner and said I was really upset that the day had been changed and then arranged without me knowing about it. By the way, another girl was left out too. The replies I got were so telling. Two of the girls called/messaged saying the were so sorry - but I knew they had nothing to do with it. The girl who instigated this wrote me two huge text messages saying she left it to us to organise a day, that she was meeting one of the other girls to discuss something anyway on the tuesday and that she called the girls as they did not reply to messages etc, etc. All these excuses that gave no explanation as to why the dinner was organised without us and day changed.

This has just been one thing in a long line of passive aggressive behaviour this girl has done and it is now beginning to really irk me. There are things such as always having to organise events, holidays etc as she has to have control, being mean to me on a holiday I was on with her friends, expecting everyone to wait for her, but then not wanting to wait for me at an airport for a visa stamp I needed, never listening to any ideas I have, taking my ideas and then taking credit for them. The list goes on.

No one else sees how 'mean' he is because she hides it behind her generosity. Her culture is very generous, so this comes across as being nice. But I have realised it can also be controlling, as she always wants you in her house, but is not interested to come to hers. Once I organised a birthday party for a friends DS at my place and on the day she tried to move the party to her house!!! Really!!

I just don't know what to do. I really can't stand her anymore but am friends for the sake of our group. No one else can see through behaviour. She knows I know though. It is only time before I snap. What do I do???

Hmmm, a few of you are not understanding.

It was to be on one day, then someone came in late and asked for the day to be changed. I couldnt do this. Surely as I had replied beforehand and we had almost settled on thursday, then the late replier should not be able to change the day? BUt then the whole chat went off whatapp altogether by said friend in question, which is not how the group has ever worked.

I would miss out and have done if i couldnt make the day the rest could make. I have done this before, But this wasnt a case of this. two of us and the days we were free were not taken into consideration or given priority and a weak excuse by the organiser given.

Bluntness - of course people can chat to themselves. But a group dinner is a gorup dinner and we have always always organised on group messages/emails etc. Just seems odd that it wasnt this time and i find out the dinner took place from a dad. While i was feeling upset none of us could catch up . Little did I know.

I understand perfectly.

I just wouldn't care if a group did this.

Either
a, it's not personal in which case I'd just miss it and go 'hey ho, next time'. People are busy , they have jobs and lives and the thought of having to have every single person attend or one has a tantrum is just exhausting and logistically impossible. I understand that I'm a peripheral figure in most people's lives - apart from my immediate family I just assume that no one really gives a toss either way.

Or

B, if I had an inkling it was a deliberate attempt to exclude me I'd just sack the lot of them off. Who can be arsed with all that?

So either it's not personal and you just let it go, or they don't want you there in which case the solution is to not go again.

Either way, it's really not worth all the anguish over.

Anat - truth be told I have had amazing times with this group. But we have now been together for six years and the fun is beginning to wear thin. I agree - it is just too school yard for me. I am really over this chief organiser and the queen bees taking control of everything.

Since DD has started school, I have now a lovely group of local friends who are nothing like this. They are friends I actually chose. I also have made friends with my DD2 others group and am very close to them.still I am close to others in the mothers group I am talking about - I am just proceeding with caution.

That sounds harsh when I read it back. What I'm trying to say is: do you feel good when you meet up with this lot or are they Causing you stress?

Because if the latter then just leave them. Life's too short to have people you don't really need in your life who make you feel bad. You're dealing with a clique and cliquey behaviour. I couldn't be arsed with that.

Yes I take your point Anat - I am a sensitive soul so maybe take things to heart a bit much. This one seemingly silly dinner I speak of one in a long line of pretty crap things done by the person I speak about. So that is why it hurts. I don't know what her motivation is, but either way it is crap the way she went about it. I just would never do what she did, so I cant get my head around this and all her other behaviour. Which is why Im keeping my distance from her, as I dont have time for this crap. Too many nice people to hang out with.

The idea of group friendship seems weird to me. Meet people one on one or in small fluid groups - anyone who is into power play or bitchy or any of that rubbish I just don't see again. I'm perfectly happy with my own company, dh and ds. I don't need all that stuff.

Meet up with the people whom you enjoy seeing, who make you feel good after an encounter and who don't bring any unnecessary drama into life.

Anat - it is a mixure of feeling good and feeling stressed. So that makes it tricky.

Anat - I think you are right. I'm going to concentrate on the important people and those that make me feel good. Thanks for your thoughts.

Surely as I had replied beforehand depends though on how long really, some people have much more access to their phones than others, so if we're talking days then yes I think yanbu if say a few hours then yabu,
Coming of off WhatsApp Is a bit of a kick though

I've got a friend a bit like this, bit of a forceful personality, but overall she's nice, and the difference is lots of other people recognise it too so we can have a smile about it together. Are you sure your other friends don't recognise it too? My friend just likes things to suit her and not afraid to rearrange things to her convenience. For example I have learnt that the super playdate offer always comes right before she needs someone to babysit on a specific day, so you end up feeling obliged to say yes as she has only just done a nice thing for your kid. I see people saying 'yes but that's just give and take' but no, it's very calculated in terms of the timing and eventually you notice and see the pattern. OP I wouldn't take it personally though. She just sounds self-centred and wants things to suit her. I am pretty laid back but have occasionally put my foot down over an arrangement and my friend did capitulate quite agreeably so I think it's just a question of managing that personality type and not being mown down! Give yourself a break from it if it's getting you down. She was very cheeky about the party, I agree.

Good idea! Don't get me wrong I'd stick with a friend who was having hard times or going through something rough even if that left me feeling drained. But needless dramatics and playground shenanigans? Nope.

OP you have seen through the person so you are probably on her blacklist now.

There is a cow like that in my wider social circle. She knows everyone and everyone knows her, she is 'friends' on FB with absolutely everyone in our village.

It's honestly weird because she has decided she doesn't like me or my ds and has bitched about me or my ds to all the other school mums as well as the toddler group mums at the local church to which I go with dd. I believe she has even nattered about me to our lovely but slightly gullible vicar lol.

I am not a natural networker and only make friends with people I have a genuine connection with so am now left out of anything social in this circle.

Sadly ds also doesn't get invited to days out with his classmates because she and her ds will inevitably be there too and she makes sure of it. She has managed to turn me into a social outcast and bu extension ds also

Very scarlet letter minus the affair .

Oh OP and the others either can see her behaviour but are afraid to be at the receiving end of her bitchiness so put up with it and play along or they simply don't see it yet.

It's a bit weird that she seemingly dislikes you so much, and you her, yet she invited you on a holiday with her friends, and you went!

If you don't like her don't be friends with her. Be civil but don't go out of your way to pursue the friendship. If she is what you say she is, the truth will out eventually.

Stella - yes at least a day or so before

Mad - I did like her mostly before this, though sensed something. It was actually only on this holiday when i saw her true colours, when I saw her amongst her friends

They did invite you but you couldn't make that Tuesday?! Sheeesh.

Actually I think your instincts are probably right, unfortunately. I think it would've been decent to confirm which day the meet up was and even if it was the Tuesday, you would then have had the option to try and make it.
She sounds manipulative but unfortunately there's nothing you can do really other than wait to see if any of the other mums see through her. I'm sure they will eventually.
In the meantime, hold your head up high and continue to see those in the group that you like.
These situations can be so upsetting but in my experience (my babies are now all grown up) these groups never last that long anyway. One or two true friendships will emerge from the group. The rest you'll probably lose touch with over time.
Sending a hug

I get it. To be honest she probably doesn't think she is doing anything wrong - it's just her way and unfortunately for you it is to be controlling and passive aggressive.
I don't think you can do anything but call her out where possible or ignore her and spend time with the others. As long as you are making the choice ( not her) you will feel better about it.

I know exactly what you mean OP. It's hard to describe how some people act without sounding 'childish' to others. However, deliberately excluding someone IS hurtful and you are not being childish. It's a natural reaction.
Sometimes you just have a gut feeling that something isn't quite right.
I can often see straight through a person that everyone else thinks is wonderful. I end up looking like the crazy one but eventually I am proved right. It might take a long time for that karma though!!
I have recently ditched a group of so called friends for the very reasons you have described and I feel so much happier. Not seeing their posts on fb, highlighting my very obvious exclusion has been so much better for my mental health. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I am now open to making new friendships.

Speckled - yes that is exactly how I feel - that I can see through people that others cant. in this situation I have right now i feel I might be looked upon as the crazy one as they just find this person so nice and kind and generous and isnt she so great at organising things and opening up her house etc.

I have had this gut feeling ever since the little ones were babies. She never got me. Always made jokes of things I didnt think were jokes. If I had a problem with my baby and waned to vent about this, she'd just chime in with how well her baby was sleeping. No sensitivity shown.

The penny really dropped while on two holdays (yes I went on two holidays with her) when she unashamedly nabbed the best room and made a big deal of it. The little jibes about the car I bought (ohh ahh) and how her child couldnt scratch it as she couldnt afford it. Jibes about how they are not staus driven but seemingly seem very preoccupied with status! Ugh I could go on. Many many things just irk me. For the sake of the group, I will stay quiet on my thoughts.

Blind - thanks that is very good advice on how to manage said friend. that is about where it is at. I need to assert my ideas perhaps a bit more and be a bit more bolschy. I have just been worn down over time as i never get listened to. This is not normal for me - my other groups/friends listen and I often organise stuff as do they.. no one is in charge

catchy - yes i totally think she has no idea she did anything wrong but may do now i called her out on it. i needed to do this and will continue to do this in a gentle way

Thanks Macaroni - my feelings are as you describe. It's nice to have some understanding. I do think as time goes on and we get more and involved with school and busy it will all become harder to catch up..

Not much I can do just try and manage and avoid and see the ones I like

She just wants to be in charge, the others are probably to scared they will be ostracised if they make any comments.

There's not a lot you can do, she will continue to do things to part you from the group but never enough to make you look bad. It's a bit rubbish, maybe play her at her own game.