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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to book a flight home

128 replies

BasicBitch123 · 06/08/2017 17:18

Hey everyone
I am on holiday at the moment and I am 4 nights into a two week break at a villa in Italy. This is the second holiday we have had a way as a family as a complete blended family (we have been together for 4 years. I have my two children ds 17 and DD 16 and my Stepsons 16 and 14.

My eldest step son is making the trip hell for me, he has been difficult in the flight by refusing to sit next to me and wanting to sit next to his dad despite that meaning me and dh couldn't sit together and I am a nervous flyer.

He has had frequent rows with his younger brother and my son and he is reluctant to go out with us for meals in the evenings or on family activities. He is putting a downer on the holiday. I am constantly having to deal with the arguments and I shouted at him and got combative with him (I know it's wrong). This caused a rift between me and dh. I just want to get away from this holiday hell.

OP posts:

TinselTwins · 06/08/2017 17:54

it is a bit anal and annoying that you want everyone to eat with you every night and to all go together on all of your activities. I'ld hate that!

I have relatives who I don't holiday with for that reason. It's tedious and regimented. I prefer people to do their own thing with whoever else is interested in that thing rather than everyone having to agree on doing the same thing all the time.

It's not your holiday any more, if you want to holiday the way YOUR family holidays then just go away with your kids!
If you want blended family holidays, then you need to be flexible about how other people want to holiday.

If that means going for take-away or staying at the villa without you, what of it?

mumofthemonsters808 · 06/08/2017 17:55

A 16 year old won't understand the concept of a nervous flyer, their interpretation will be a mard arse wanting their Dad all to themselves. I'm presuming this act set the tone for the holiday and things have gone from bad to worse.Perhaps it would be a good idea to fly home and let his kids enjoy spending time with their Dad, that's if you can manage to travel alone.

NicolasFlamel · 06/08/2017 17:59

You surely can't be that nervous if you're considering a flight home without OH.
Does "got combative" mean you hit your step son?
Doesn't sound like this relationship is working for any of you.

DonkeyOil · 06/08/2017 18:01

I wouldn't want to sit apart from DH on a flight.

Oh, for Heaven's sake! All adults should be able to function autonomously as well as part of a couple.

Oldbutstillgotit · 06/08/2017 18:02

If you are such a nervous flyer how on earth are you going to manage a flight home by yourself ? Aside from
that , you are ( supposed to be) the adult so start acting like it ; the lad wanted to sit beside his Dad . Presumably you would have been in the row behind or in front ? And yes I am a Step Mother and it is hard work sometimes but you are heading for a life time of misery with your current attitude.

Isetan · 06/08/2017 18:04

Urgh, family holiday's and 'expectations', I'm guessing the flight out set the tone. Why aren't you letting his Dad deal with him? Flying home in a huff is childish and would put more of a damper on the holiday than he has.

You know the drill, Ignore bad behaviour and encourage the good. I understand the 'pressure' to have a good time, especially with blended families but when 'having a good time' becomes a tyranny, it's no fun at all.

oldlaundbooth · 06/08/2017 18:08

We need more info re: combative

And lljkk, have you started your own thread? If not please do so

JaneEyre70 · 06/08/2017 18:08

Your SS isn't ruining the holiday, you are. He's a teenager, they're meant to be difficult and grumpy. And it's a million times easier if you don't bite/react.
I feel a bit sorry for the poor lad tbh, he's obviously not happy. Let your dh spend time with him, and stop being so jealous. That way, you all get to enjoy the holiday. Why don't you all spend days apart, and evenings together?

Sirzy · 06/08/2017 18:10

If my partner was "combatative" towards my son then I would be booking them a fight home - to give them time to move out before we all got back!

(Assuming we aren't all wrong in how we have read combative)

SpartacusSaiman · 06/08/2017 18:13

So you absolutely cant fly unless you sit with dh/another adult but considering flying home....alone.

And your ss is ruining your holiday because he doesnt want to do what you want to do?

Not sure of combative means a physical altercation took place or you just went way over the top verbally (maybe goading him), but you know you shouldnt have and over stepped the line.

It sounds like YOU are ruining the holiday.

CremeFresh · 06/08/2017 18:15

From age 14- 17 my DD was horrendous , more then just a bit of sulking and stomping about (think police involvement) , anyway, someone sent me a link on YT of a lecture about adolescents, it changed the whole way I approached the problems we had.

Not much help for you at the moment, but I would advise letting him do what he wants ( more or less) don't try and get him to come on days out with you if he doesn't want to. It might be seen as giving in but I really think you need to pick your battles.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 06/08/2017 18:16

I wouldn't want to sit apart from DH on a flight.

Oh, for Heaven's sake! All adults should be able to function autonomously as well as part of a couple.

FFS! I'm so glad the people I know in real life are more sympathetic than some of the posters on MN. People are allowed to be scared, nervous and need reassurance you know. I'm quite able to 'function autonomously' in most cases but, when it comes to planes, blood tests and injections, I need someone with me. Other than that I'm fine thank you.

MyRedPepper · 06/08/2017 18:19

If someone is jealous, I would say it's the dss TBH. What's up with refusing the 'share' time and space with his dsm whennhe is 16yo? I mean most teen at that age would be delighted not to be stuck next to dad!

But the main issue here is that you seem to be the one who deal with all the fall outs when really it's should be your DH.

What's his take when his ds is fighting with his DH, fidgeting your own ds?
What would be his response to 'no don't want to do anything with you lot despite refusing to let the OP sit to her DH?

He needs to take the lead there, not you, for lots of different reasons.

TidyDancer · 06/08/2017 18:19

It does sound on the surface as if you've got a classic case of a sulky teenager and an intolerant adult (you). Not a good combination. Teenagers can be awful and I have no doubt his behaviour is not acceptable but you need to rise above it. If he doesn't want to go out to dinner then leave him at the villa. If he doesn't want to do activities, leave him at the villa. You get the drift.

You do need to clarify what you been by combative because generally that means getting physical/violent and that is unforgivable.

BarryTheKestrel · 06/08/2017 18:21

For previous posters, every flight I've been on in the past 3 years (cheap flybe and Ryanair) have been 2-2 configuration for short haul European flights so not necessarily a 3-3 plane. As a nervous flyer myself I understand. Either me or DH had to sit next to DD earlier in the year, take off and landing are my panic points so I sat alone as I couldn't be parent and panic at the same time.

However, honestly, take the other kids and go out. Leave DH and his son to have some time together, he clearly wants alone time with his dad. Let him. Once you've done that, if he still forces the issues, leave him to do as he pleases or allow your DH to dole out the discipline.

MyRedPepper · 06/08/2017 18:21

Btw, I don't think that wanting to fly back is childish.
There is no reason why the OP should be walked all over, left to deal all the family fall outs, in effect left to deal with all the issues coming from being together as a blended family.
Doingbthat was the sure way to ensure that the holiday would be the hold from hell TBH.

Sirzy · 06/08/2017 18:23

But barry in the OP she said that in order for her to be next to her husband the son would need to be next to her so that would suggest a row of 3 seats surely?

MyRedPepper · 06/08/2017 18:24

Why on earth is it the OP decision if the dss is staying at home when they go out for a meal in the evening?
Why is it not her DH, the FATHER, Decision?

And what does the father think about his ds staying in the House on his own? Because if her DH actually also insists that he is coming (and TBH, if it was my own dcs, I would!), then I'm not sure what the OP can do about it...

ImperialBlether · 06/08/2017 18:24

So many assumptions made on this thread.

supermoon100 · 06/08/2017 18:25

I think you really have to put the children first and that includes the flying issue. I hate flying but just get on with it for the sake of dcs. Certainly don't make an issue of it. That's what being a parent and adult is all about.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/08/2017 18:25

Can you not just leave him in the villa if he doesn't want to go out? If he misses a meal or two he'll probably start being a bit more cooperative.

What are the arguments about? If it's typical teen stuff, just leave them alone to sort it out.

I'm a nervous flyer, too. I haven't been on a plane since 2003. I once grabbed a perfect stranger's arm and hand hard during a landing, a normal landing. But I would have yielded my place in your situation because I'm a grown up.

ghostyslovesheets · 06/08/2017 18:26

why could your DH not sit in between you both?

as for not wanting to go out with you all - no problem - he can stay behind - nothing worse than forced togetherness - maybe he wants some down time?

PollyFlint · 06/08/2017 18:26

All this sounds like standard, shitty teenage behaviour to me. Some teenagers are a massive pain in the arse. This is a teenager thing, not a 'blended family' thing. I'm not saying his behaviour is OK, but it's not out of the ordinary, either.

LOL at people who think a teenager 'won't understand' what a nervous flier is and that it's acceptable for a 16-year-old to insist on sitting next to his daddy. He's 16, not 6.

However, I'm amazed that you thought you'd be able to go away with four teenagers and that they'd all want to have dinner as a family every day and take part in family activities. If the moody one doesn't want to go out to dinner with you, or go on days out, fine - leave him behind and he can laze around in the sun on his own if that's what he prefers, or indeed stay in bed all day in a darkened room if he likes. It's no skin off everyone else's nose if he doesn't join you, is it?

EdmundCleverClogs · 06/08/2017 18:26

Teenagers push buttons, it's what they're best at. Sounds like he knows exactly how to push yours and you are taking the bait.

However, if you are insinuating you have been physically towards him when you say you were 'combative', then you lose all sympathy I may have had for you. In fact, if this is the case and you were my partner, I'd personally have you back on a plane and away from my child.

ghostyslovesheets · 06/08/2017 18:26

and yes 'got combative' means what exactly?

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