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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No money for baby formula but money for a holiday.

105 replies

Sarikiz · 06/08/2017 08:38

My friend married in her mid thirties and was longing for a child and became pregnant straight away. She has been a SAHP to her DS. Her husband works but is in not in a well paid job.
Six weeks ago my friend gave birth to her second child DS2
She wanted another child before she was 40.
She and her DH are always struggling financially, they have no savings and live from week to week.
Her new baby was struggling to breast feed and was hungry but it was the end of the week and she had no money for formula. I was really shocked. So I gave her the money. Both her parents have passed away and and she has two brothers who live far away.
Yesterday she told me her unmarried brother is getting married in October. He is marrying abroad and the four airtickets alone for her, DH and 2 DS is £900. This is without spending money.
She said her husband will get his holiday money and she can borrow the rest. They have done this before.
I was shocked and said you had no money for formula but you will get in debt for a holiday.
She said she has no life she is stressed and fed up and she needs this holiday and she is going. While her husband works he is not what I would call an emotional provider on his days off he does not help with the children or help around the house. She is alone a lot with the children
The other thing is DS1 starts school.in September how can she take him out in term time for a holiday?
Its not my life but I cannot see how spending this much money on a ten day holiday can make life better.
Your thoughts please

OP posts:
insancerre · 06/08/2017 08:41

My thoughts are that is really no business of yours what your friend spends her money on

ArgyMargy · 06/08/2017 08:42

Who gets holiday money? I've never heard of that.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 06/08/2017 08:42

You are right, it's not your life, it's not your business. If you don't agree just don't give her money in the future for formula or anything else

peachlimeorange · 06/08/2017 08:42

Thing is, it isn't your life.

Her DS won't miss much so don't worry about that.

NotMyMonkees · 06/08/2017 08:44

I think one of the things is that life on the breadline is incredibly depressing, so sometimes having something to look forward to is all that keeps you going, even if it's financially unwise.

PopcornNRedwine · 06/08/2017 08:44

It's not something I would do. But how other people spend their money is up to them.

I guess, all you can do is be her friend and support her no matter what. If you don't agree with that, then maybe you shouldn't be her friend.

Bearfrills · 06/08/2017 08:45

Maybe she's bowing to family pressure over the wedding "It's your brother's wedding, it's a one off, how oftenwill he get married, you can't miss a family event like this, etc etc etc" and so she's felt she's had no choice but to go.

Bearfrills · 06/08/2017 08:45

Maybe she's bowing to family pressure over the wedding "It's your brother's wedding, it's a one off, how oftenwill he get married, you can't miss a family event like this, etc etc etc" and so she's felt she's had no choice but to go.

ShesABloodyLoon · 06/08/2017 08:47

Well in my life I have been down to less than £3 in my purse. I was skint. Couldn't have afforded formula even if I had needed it. Then other times I have bought a car. Being broke isn't a constant unchanging state. Unless she never has any money at all and not being able to afford formula Is a weekly occurrence then I don't know if you can say her family can't attend this family event. Yeah she may have to take a little loan to pay for it but providing they make enough to meet the repayment terms then it's her choice. We all have financial blips sometimes. Car breaks down, boiler needs fixing and the kids need their new uniforms all out of the same wage and that means nth you're buggered. Doesn't mean the next month you can't do Alton Towers.

Scrumptiousbears · 06/08/2017 08:47

Whilst I agree with others I get your frustration as you had to sub her for formula. I had a friend like this. She begged money off me for milk and bread, electric top up etc but always had fags. It's hard to watch. I removed myself from the situation in the end as it would me up.

LIZS · 06/08/2017 08:47

If you feel you should be able to judge her choices you probably shouldn't lend her money. Next time suggest she gets a referral to a food bank. I doubt there would be repercussions for taking a reception child out of school for a few days.

DressedCrab · 06/08/2017 08:47

You've learned the lesson not to lend her money again.

peachlimeorange · 06/08/2017 08:48

I think OP probably rather enjoys having someone to purse her lips at!

Changerofname987654321 · 06/08/2017 08:49

I would happily take a child out of reception for a family wedding. The child is probably not 5 so there is no legal requirement for him to be in school. If it is relevant I am a teacher so I would never be able to do it unless I was maternity leave.

Did she want to try formula feeding or was she wanting to continue to try bf?

Some people are crap with money and have very different priorities. It is hard when you see people make irresponsible decisions but there is nothing you can do about it. Stop lending her money.

ladyvimes · 06/08/2017 08:50

To be fair it is the op's business when her friend has asked her to give her money in the past.
In the future op don't give any more money.

Justdontknow4321 · 06/08/2017 08:50

She sounds like abit of a twat. Happy to accept money from you for formula but then go on a holiday that she can't afford.
If you can't afford baby milk, then you can't afford a flightConfused

But some people think it's fine to live in debt there whole life and I suppose there's not much you can do, don't give them money again though as they can clearly just stick more milk on a credit card

Mumzypopz · 06/08/2017 08:51

Our midwives and health visitors used to have a secret stash of formula to give to parents who couldn't afford it. Could she not have gone to them?

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 08:51

well it is her debt, dont sub her any more though.

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 08:51

isnt there such a thing as milk tokens anymore?

Muddlingalongalone · 06/08/2017 08:53

This would wind me up but I couldn't actually say anything because it's her life. Wouldn't lend more money though.
I have a fb friend who was moaning about how shit it was that she needed to move and council wouldn't help with deposit etc (cue multiple racist comments about immigrants) who proceeded to go on 3 holidays in the following 3 months and is now off to Singapore this month.
It's priorities I guess - but with a family wedding I can kind of see that you'd want to be there.

peachlimeorange · 06/08/2017 08:53

It doesn't actually say that it was a loan or the friend asked.

it was the end of the week and she had no money for formula. I was really shockrd. So i gave her the money

Summergarden · 06/08/2017 08:53

I do see where you're coming from. But the wedding must be important to her, especially if her brothers are her only two living relatives in her extended family. It's not as if this is some random holiday she has decided to book, it's part of her brother's wedding.

Maybe you could direct her to places to get help with budgeting etc? Money saving expert site is good.

You do sound a little judgy tbh. I think it's understandable that she wanted to complete her family by age 40 as it's well known that fertility declines sharply after that.

NC4now · 06/08/2017 08:53

It's her brother's wedding and both their parents have passed away. I can see why this is important to her.

elQuintoConyo · 06/08/2017 08:54

Not your circus, not your monkies.

Now you know not to lend her money again.

It also sounds like you don't like her life choices ie two dc and the type of man she married.

Time to put some distance in.

SpartacusSaiman · 06/08/2017 08:56

Its her life to fuck up. But its the kids i feel for.

It becomes, a little bit, of your business when you have to sub her. So stop doing it.