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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No money for baby formula but money for a holiday.

105 replies

Sarikiz · 06/08/2017 08:38

My friend married in her mid thirties and was longing for a child and became pregnant straight away. She has been a SAHP to her DS. Her husband works but is in not in a well paid job.
Six weeks ago my friend gave birth to her second child DS2
She wanted another child before she was 40.
She and her DH are always struggling financially, they have no savings and live from week to week.
Her new baby was struggling to breast feed and was hungry but it was the end of the week and she had no money for formula. I was really shocked. So I gave her the money. Both her parents have passed away and and she has two brothers who live far away.
Yesterday she told me her unmarried brother is getting married in October. He is marrying abroad and the four airtickets alone for her, DH and 2 DS is £900. This is without spending money.
She said her husband will get his holiday money and she can borrow the rest. They have done this before.
I was shocked and said you had no money for formula but you will get in debt for a holiday.
She said she has no life she is stressed and fed up and she needs this holiday and she is going. While her husband works he is not what I would call an emotional provider on his days off he does not help with the children or help around the house. She is alone a lot with the children
The other thing is DS1 starts school.in September how can she take him out in term time for a holiday?
Its not my life but I cannot see how spending this much money on a ten day holiday can make life better.
Your thoughts please

OP posts:

Genghi · 06/08/2017 08:58

Don't lend her money again. She's clearly an irresponsible cunt or lying about her financial situation to get money from you.

Chestervase1 · 06/08/2017 08:58

She has different priorities. I know people who take their family on 3 to four "holidays" a year ostensibly to see family in exotic locations. However, their parents subsidise their day to day lives and contribute enormously. Some people live by going around with the begging bowl. Now you have noticed it will probably really irritate you.

Cantspell2 · 06/08/2017 08:58

Why should she get free form the health visitors secret stash ( if such a thing even exists) then waste her money on a holiday? Surely the secret stash should be for those who are truly struggling.
Someone who does this will make other bad choices and I wonder what else her children will miss out on as SHE deserves a treat and if she will end up putting her home at risk because of it.
But in the end it is her choice but I wouldn't be lending her anymore milk money.

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 09:03

But it was the end of the week and she couldnt afford it. Not everyone has money at the end of the week.
plus the wedding is a Family event.
Leave her alone. Why so judgy about her wanting children before she is 40 as well?

insancerre · 06/08/2017 09:06

Why is the money spent on the holiday a waste?
There are some really judgemental people on here

Migraleve · 06/08/2017 09:06

Thing is there wouldn't have been a set choice that either A. You buy baby milk or B. You go on holiday. Circumstances change all the time.

Many many times when mine were little we had nothing, waiting for next pay day to buy bread etc but we still had upcoming holidays to look forward to.

You post is very judgemental OP, if life was simple and choices were presented to us above then you may have a right to judge, but rarely is it that black and white.

Miserylovescompany2 · 06/08/2017 09:09

One tin of formula - I wouldn't begrudge buying that for a friend in need - I wouldn't pick her life to pieces either though

Aeroflotgirl · 06/08/2017 09:11

Don't give her anymore money, if she can save for a £900 holiday, they can blooming get formula for the baby, priorities.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/08/2017 09:13

If you are constantly short of money, and never have money at the end of the week, and can't even afford a £8 tin of formula, there is noway you can afford a £900 holiday, yes I would judge in that situation and lend her no more money, as she cannot manage it properly.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2017 09:19

Her DS won't miss much so don't worry about that.

It's his first week ever in school and the children will be settling in and starting to learn routines.

Ignore the PP who said they don't have have to be in school because they're not yet 5. Unless you've agreed it beforehand with the school, it's poor form to just not turn up for the start of the year on the grounds they're not of statutory school age.

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 09:20

but it is none of our business whether she takes her ds out of school.

redsquirrel2 · 06/08/2017 09:20

How can you begrudge her going to her brother's wedding? And when the poor chap has no parents to go to it. How can you begrudge her wanting to have a bit of joy in her life when she's struggling so much? Stop judging her. If you were a proper friend you'd be happy for her that she has this to look forward to, and would give her the occasional bit of help without question.

BubblesBubblesBubbles · 06/08/2017 09:23

No it's not your business, but I do understand why you seem so put out.

I had a 'friend' who was very similar, she had 2 small children and was always on the 'breadline' and asking to borrow money for bread, milk etc. As her friend I did a Tesco shop for her on the last week of the month so I knew the kids had some basics in. As did other friends. One day a massive post on face book she was at the airport flying off somewhere exotic.

She used us all, and unfortunately now we have all back away from her. Her Facebook is full of how she can't afford to pay her electric bill or how she only has £20 to last the month. I've had messages asking for money and I've had to say no, as have other friends she's been a victim of her own stupidity.

Ikeameatballs · 06/08/2017 09:26

The holiday is in October. I can't see how that would be his first week in school.

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 09:26

Her priority happens to be attending her brother's wedding. He lives abroad. Family weddings are important. Show some empathy

Aeroflotgirl · 06/08/2017 09:27

It is a waste, its not a priority, like feeding and clothing your children. We have had to go without holidays as we cannot afford them, so that we have money for the essentials like bills and feeding our children. I get where she is coming from, it is isolating, I had postnatal depression, and don't drive, the constant cycle of feeding, nappy changing, cooking and cleaning is hard. If she wan't to save for the holiday, she should feed her child first, then any money left over goes into the savings for it.

noeffingidea · 06/08/2017 09:28

If she wants to or has to formula feed then she has to put that money aside first. That is non negotiable, and I say that as someone who has been very poor. I used part of my child benefit to pay for it. If her husband is on a lowish wage then she should be able to claim child benefit. If she had been breastfeeding up to that point she may not have been aware of that but she should be aware
Apart from that, how she budgets her money is up to her. I would keep out of it from now on.

BishopBrennansArse · 06/08/2017 09:28

With friends like you who needs enemies

Summergarden · 06/08/2017 09:29

It's hardly her fault that the wedding falls when it does, so it's not a case of her deliberately booking a term time holiday!

Have a read of the book 'Hand to Mouth'. An account of what it's like to live constantly on the breadline and helps explain why poorer people make the choices they do, even if they don't make sense to others.

I'm quite surprised that anyone would begrudge her attending her brother's wedding really, especially when they only have each other due to parents being deceased 😥

buffyp · 06/08/2017 09:31

What a charming attitude Genghi. I guess you didn't bother reading the part where it's her brothers wedding she's attending and both parents are dead. Or maybe you are a unempathetic person who thinks life is always black and white. Op it's none of your buildings to be honest. Just don't lend her anymore money in future if this is the way you feel.

rightwhine · 06/08/2017 09:31

It's her decision of course but I certainly wouldn't be subbing them again. If they are struggling to manage now, then they'll struggle even more paying back debt but that's their look out. Don't feel guilty in the future when you hear they can't afford formula etc.

x2boys · 06/08/2017 09:31

I think it depends often a few days before pay day we literally have no money to our names I.make sure we have food in I have to borrow £40 sometimes from my parents who are in a position to help us out we still have holidays ( Not this year admittedly ) and days out though.

TestTubeTeen · 06/08/2017 09:37

Thoughts on what?

How to help your friend? Or what?

TeachesOfPeaches · 06/08/2017 09:44

Some women are in financially abusive relationships and are expected to provide everything for the child out of child benefit. Maybe your friend is in this situation.

Bearfrills · 06/08/2017 09:45

She's clearly an irresponsible cunt

Are you always so vile or do you save it specially for the internet?

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