No money for baby formula but money for a holiday.

[Sarikiz]

My friend married in her mid thirties and was longing for a child and became pregnant straight away. She has been a SAHP to her DS. Her husband works but is in not in a well paid job.
Six weeks ago my friend gave birth to her second child DS2
She wanted another child before she was 40.
She and her DH are always struggling financially, they have no savings and live from week to week.
Her new baby was struggling to breast feed and was hungry but it was the end of the week and she had no money for formula. I was really shocked. So I gave her the money. Both her parents have passed away and and she has two brothers who live far away.
Yesterday she told me her unmarried brother is getting married in October. He is marrying abroad and the four airtickets alone for her, DH and 2 DS is £900. This is without spending money.
She said her husband will get his holiday money and she can borrow the rest. They have done this before.
I was shocked and said you had no money for formula but you will get in debt for a holiday.
She said she has no life she is stressed and fed up and she needs this holiday and she is going. While her husband works he is not what I would call an emotional provider on his days off he does not help with the children or help around the house. She is alone a lot with the children
The other thing is DS1 starts school.in September how can she take him out in term time for a holiday?
Its not my life but I cannot see how spending this much money on a ten day holiday can make life better.
Your thoughts please

I can see what you're annoyed about.

Also, she clearly couldn't afford to have another baby but had one and is now saying she's fed up?

if you are honestly worried the baby will go without formula, I guess buy the formula but don't hand over cash. I've seen too many of these situations morph into "DD really wants this toy".

i also agree that if they've got to miss the wedding to feed the family they chose to have, that's what they should do. I don't have a lot of money, my parents don't have a lot of money.There's a whole bunch of stuff you miss out on in life if you don't have a lot of money. And the wedding is abroad? I didn't meet my aunties till I was a teenager, no one had the money to travel till then. Such is life.

Just don't give her money again op. A lot of people don't prioritise or budget and she may be one of them. Or her dh could be financially holding the money strings. Or she could have played you with a sob story. Or she could mentally be in a bad place, both patents dead and post partum.

Only you know your friend. It does sound like she's in a frustrated place if her husband doesn't help at all but only she can change that.

I had a friend whose relative always spent on holidays, cigs and going out while often my friend had to sub for dog food since this woman prioritised her fun times over her dogs food, worming and fleaing. My friend stopped subbing and her relative stayed the same. In the end she reported her and the dog, thankfully, was taken. Unfortunately she has now got cats who suffer the same.

Problem is when you lend someone money its difficult to take your eye off what they are spending money on.
But l would not miss my dbs wedding so l have full understanding of her going. These things dont come around often and relationships can be affected if you dont go.
As for missing days from school lm in lreland and here we know families are important and a few days in years of schooling is no big deal.
Wish her well.

It's not your business as such, but she gave you the right to an opinion when she borrowed money from you.

I wouldn't lend her money again.

Actually had to de-lurk for this one. A person either takes money from their friend under the pretense that their baby is going hungry, or else they actually were allowing their child to go hungry while booking a full king holiday, and they default response "omg judgy mcjudgybitch you don't when know her so like shut up!"

Fucking pathetic. Even the very first response was to say it's not OP's business what the money is spent on, whenever it was OP's fucking money the mother was spending!

Sinews
It is quite possible to book a holiday without having any money to buy essentials
Some people live hand to mouth
Some people are not good at budgeting
Its also possible to have no cash until payday, not even for emergencies
We have no way of knowing what is happening with the mum and her finances, and it really is no business of ours or the op

Sorry
Sinead9
Autocorrect fail

It saddens me that someone will see a parent prioritise a holiday over feeding a baby, and not only look the other way, but lambast anybody who is concerned for the child's wellbeing.

Sorry OP I would advise that you butt out. What she and her family decide to do with their finances is their business not yours. You said you gave her the money for the formula? Did she ask you to? If she did then give it to her without judging or jumping to conclusions and if she didn't ask, why did you give it to her? Sounds like her finances are a bit all over the place but as a friend you shouldn't be involved

The friend made it in business when she asked to lend money, so yes it is her business.

Its not as clear cut as that
The holiday is booked, not paid for
The parent hasn't said " I'm going to taken this money and pay for flights instead of buying formula"
The need for formula was an unexpected expense and has nothing to do with the holiday

The need for formula was an unexpected expense

Correct that they couldn't have know they'd be making that expect purchase, but in what way, shape or form is it responsible to go on a holiday when your emergency fund is apparently

or else they actually were allowing their child to go hungry while booking a full king holiday

Its a family wedding - important in most families, esp in a diminished family where the parents are dead and the friend only has her siblings left and lives a long distance from them.

I wonder how many people here (and on another recent thread) have experienced that "end of the week problem" which some PP have described and which is common in poor families. The fact that one week the kids have treats or that they aspire to go to an important family event and other weeks can't put money in the meter does not make them greedy bloodsuckers, it just makes them poor.

If you don't have that security layer of some savings or family help then every tiny issue is a crisis whether its kids growing out of school shoes too quickly or domestic appliances breaking down.

OP - you don't seem to like or respect this woman, so probably should not lend/give money when AFAICT she didn't actually ask for it.

I imagine the op busybodied in and bought formula without being asked.

I volunteer on thursday nights and often go to tesco in the small hours of friday morning. I often see people with babies there because they will have been waiting for benefits to buy nappies.

It isnt shocking to run low waiting for payday.

And

"Your thoughts please"

means

Please tell me I am good and kind and my friend is a twat.

I agree with the other contributionside. Keep a distance. I had a friend a young single mum who always borrowed money for electric food etc. When her financial circumstances changed for the better she still expect ed me to pay for outings etc. We don't talk anymore

They are idiots. But unfortunately they are not alone in their chaotic mismanagement of their finances. I don't blame you for being annoyed. Certainly don't lend them any money. Not sure I'd want to be friends with people who put an infant's needs on such low priority.

How do you know they booked the holiday? I don't think op has mentioned they have booked it yet!

Its not just about having no emergency fund, its also about access to money
The mum doesn't work she has just had a baby, the dad is a low earner, he might be financially controlling
We don't really know the dynamics of the situation but if one of my friends was so low that she couldn't afford formula I would just GI e her the money and not be so judgemental to think that she now owed me because I'd helped her out
I would gladly give her the money and I wouldn't be expecting it back
I'd also be helping her plan for her holiday as it's obvious she needs it

Why does every irresponsible act mentioned on here get explained away by the invention of an abusive partner? Do we not have any agency as women?

I would strongly advise her not to go. Somebody who cannot afford food cannot spend more than £1000 on a holiday, family wedding or not. It will be worse after the wedding because she will have borrowed money and will run out even earlier in the month.

Your friend is a twat.

A long awaited baby and a second one, nearly 40, and no contingency fund?

Don't lend her any more money.

They are idiots. But unfortunately they are not alone in their chaotic mismanagement of their finances.

Or they are simply poor. Its easy to take the moral highground about good financial planning when you have the security blanket of a little bit in savings, a little bit spare each week or handy family to help out in emergencies. But when every day is hand to mouth making sensible long term plans is a luxury you can only dream of.

A lot of people are talking about a booked holiday without knowing whether it is or not! Sounds like she does not have the funds to book, and is trying to gather tge funds to book it! Abusive relationship, wtaf! A lot of assumptions going on here without op saying anything. Whatever the reasons for going away, feeding and clothing your kids comes before all that, so she shoukd be soliciting money for that first, then saving the rest. Looks like poor money management on their part.