No money for baby formula but money for a holiday.

[Sarikiz]

My friend married in her mid thirties and was longing for a child and became pregnant straight away. She has been a SAHP to her DS. Her husband works but is in not in a well paid job.
Six weeks ago my friend gave birth to her second child DS2
She wanted another child before she was 40.
She and her DH are always struggling financially, they have no savings and live from week to week.
Her new baby was struggling to breast feed and was hungry but it was the end of the week and she had no money for formula. I was really shocked. So I gave her the money. Both her parents have passed away and and she has two brothers who live far away.
Yesterday she told me her unmarried brother is getting married in October. He is marrying abroad and the four airtickets alone for her, DH and 2 DS is £900. This is without spending money.
She said her husband will get his holiday money and she can borrow the rest. They have done this before.
I was shocked and said you had no money for formula but you will get in debt for a holiday.
She said she has no life she is stressed and fed up and she needs this holiday and she is going. While her husband works he is not what I would call an emotional provider on his days off he does not help with the children or help around the house. She is alone a lot with the children
The other thing is DS1 starts school.in September how can she take him out in term time for a holiday?
Its not my life but I cannot see how spending this much money on a ten day holiday can make life better.
Your thoughts please

Daily Mail mob have woken up I see 🙄

I don't read the DM thanks Bishops! Another asumption. Isent it true you feed your family first and pay the bills before saving for non essentials. Sometimes, I think only on Mumsnet!

So glad you said that, Bishop! I couldn't believe so many were on one thread!

We don't know the holiday is booked, but it's planned
It still has nothing to do with having no access to cash

A lot of people on this thread have no idea of poverty

If the wedding is in Oct it could be during half term anyway. I think this is definitely none of your business. The fact you kindly helped her out with formula once doesn't mean you get to decide whether she attends her own brother's wedding. That's the sort of thing people would budget for.

Yawn.

Yes its planned, a lot of people on here are assuming it's booked when you don't know it is. You lost the high ground when you accursed me of being a DM reader without knowing me.

Wondering about the other side of this story.

"Dear Mumsnet. We recently had a much longed for DC2. I'm nearly forty, we hoped to be better off but felt it was now or never. We have mostly gotten by, never any spare but we have our DC.

Since DC2 was born its been difficult as I'm struggling with feeding. I have had to fall back on formula for top up feeds. Last week was a crisis before pay day, due to DC1 needing [something essential]. A friend very kindly bought me formula - I hadn't asked her but I was so grateful.

As we chatted I mentioned that we hoped to go to my brother's wedding in October but it would be expensive as it is abroad. I only have two siblings left of my family and rarely see them and hope desperately to claw together the money somehow.

My friend then posted on social media about her friend who couldn't buy formula but could afford expensive holidays. I've seen myself described as greedy, a bad mother and generally useless.

Is this woman my friend?"

I know her finances are no one else's business, and someone being short of money just before payday doesn't mean that they can't afford treats or can't afford to plan for holidays or weddings abroad.

But it would annoy me if I'd given someone money for formula because they couldn't afford it, and shortly afterwards I found out they were planning an expensive trip abroad, even if it is a family wedding.

Best to stay out of it though OP.

Accept you have very different priorities and don't get involved in other people's dirty laundry.

Just distance yourself.

I couldn't be friends with someone who would rather laze round at home and have holidays whilst getting friends to feed her children.

Judgy pants firmly on here.

Two dc. Lone parent. Ones formula fed. Let me tell you now, if one dc has any amount of formula be it one bottle a day or several, you don't allow yourself to run down so much that you're suddenly without and the baby needs a feed. You simply don't. And i know poverty. I've had to use the food bank, go without meals and suitable clothing.
I find it incredible that someone would get to such a point but then be on about essentially a holiday which is an absolute non essential.

Speaking of, I've had a 'friend' who'd come to me for money. On a regular basis. I had one dc at the time, her two. She had her and her ohs benefit money, and I worked hard as a single parent. I used to be told how 'lucky' I was constantly because I could afford childcare(!) whilst I worked.
Then would come the 'I've no money to feed the kids...' begging. I allowed it once, gave her my last tenner. Next week she was at it again. I said no. She said but how am I gonna give the kids dinner? It was 11.30 at night. I said to her what's it really for?? She said oh has the munchies cause he's been at the weed all day, wants to order a pizza. Only(!) need £30. Told her to get to fuck.

I am not pursing my lips and I gave her the money for the formula. I did not lend it or ask for it back.Her breast milk was not sufficient and the baby needed additional formula.
Her husband is pleasant man but not very supportive.
There is family pressure to go to the wedding.
I have said nothing to my friend and was purely putting my thoughts out there.
My friend often complains about her life and how she is unhappy they have no money etc and I have tried to point her in the right direction for help.

No child is compulsory school age until at least the January of reception. So no need to fret about your friend being fined.

You didn't have to give her the money. It was a gift. Gifts should be freely given. She was skint, it helped last week or whenever. September is tomorrow and you can't alter the past.

When I was 40 we knew we had the money to pay for school fees for two which we had. Weren't certain then we'd stretch to three so we didn't have a third. It's my only regret. It's all relative. Support your friend. I do wonder if the baby was having a growth spurt though and if facilitating formula was unwise. If he'd sucked and sucked for two days her supply might have caught up.

I wonder if hv had advised the bottle feeds? If so, wouldn't tokens have been available?

I am not pursing my lips and I gave her the money for the formula

Respectfully then, if you wanted you should not have chosen such a judgemental DMesque thread title and left out little details like your friend being under family pressure to attend.

Oh and to people who never run out of formula, good for you. I ran out with my first as I was desperately trying to establish breast feeding (as the friend seems to be here) and not use it unless desperate. If money had been an issue I'd have probably also not wanted to potentially waste money on something I may not need.

Fortunately the others established more easily as it could well have happened again with subsequent children.

That should be if you wanted thoughts

a holiday which is an absolute non essential

Its not a holiday its a family wedding.

C8H10N402 I have no idea what DMesqie means.
My friend used the term holiday it is a holiday as the wedding is only over two days the rest is a holiday.
I have no idea about my friend BF problems I only know the baby needed formula.

I have no intention of involving myself in their life or plans and thankfully live quite away from them.
I did say in my original post that its not my life.

I have been skint many times, never had to borrow money for formula but pretty much broke. My db got married abroad and I borrowed money to attend, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. As long as she is not asking you for the money it's none of your business. Yabu.

Never lend her anything again.

Going to a family wedding is not the same as going off on an unnecessary holiday. If my last unmarried brother were to get married I'd find a way to get over to the UK for it even though money is tight (actually am doing that this year though not for a marriage but for his court date even though money is really tight this year and it will be a struggle to get the money together but family is important)

It's none of your bloody business. And whilst I haven't been so skint to not be able to buy milk I have been very skint and penny pinching one month and then absolutely fine and looking to book a holiday the next month. Things can change that quickly. I imagine you would have probably judged me too. How can you be so skint one month and be buying a car the month after? None of your business

Just don't give her any more cash, simple.