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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about holiday

431 replies

ifcatscouldtalk123 · 05/08/2017 21:55

A little bit of background. OH and I live together in a very happy relationship, we met about six months after his marriage broke down and I moved in six months later (I know really quick but we're not kids and didn't see the point of hanging around when we are very happy together). He has two children, boy and a girl, nearly 16 and 11. OH is very much into his sport which I don't generally mind, it does take up a lot of our spare time but it gives me down time to enjoy time with friends, catching up with personal stuff (I work long full time hours).

OH recently went abroad on a boys golfing trip, only 5 days and funded entirely by himself. No issues here. While he was abroad he entered a competition for a bit of a laugh with no intention of winning. A bit of a pitch and putt. He's ended up winning an all expenses paid, four day trip to Dubai to watch a golf competition final. Luxury flights, accommodation, meals paid for, you name it.

Fabulous! I get to go shopping in the Dubai malls while he watches the golf. No! He's decided to take his 15 year old son (who shares his love of golf - it would be wrong of me to miss this bit out). The reason being is that his mates would disown him if they thought that he would not take his son and he would be a bad father - not necessarily in that order). The golf will take up a small proportion of the trip.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Gooseberrycrumble4 · 06/08/2017 14:17

You are saying that because you've not got the free holiday and your step son did, you're receiving scraps and aren't equal? I actually don't think you could ever be equal. A parents bond with their child quite often surpasses everything and is totally different to a romantic partnership. However you're clearly not being given scraps just because you've not got the free holiday. You're an adult, you could pay to go or arrange something else for yourself and your partner.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 06/08/2017 14:18

And besides it is a golfing holiday and your step son likes golf

abigcupoffuckyou · 06/08/2017 14:18

There are some fucking weird people on here these days

Yes, you, since you are the one equating taking his daughter to being arrested for unmarried sex. Shame on you.

MargaretTwatyer · 06/08/2017 14:19

I still wouldn't want to go (and spend my money) in a country with such harsh punishments where I would be doing something illegal, no matter how much of a blind eye they turn. Either it is legal or it isn't.

This is the thing, I wouldn't chance it. There have been cases where couples have had some sort of run of the mill disagreement in the UAE (the sort of thing people post about on here) and have been 'denounced' for sex outside marriage and jailed.

I wouldn't go anywhere where I could be jailed at any time just because they fancied it.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2017 14:26

Genuinely. Your op reads like this is not a long term relarionship. I now fail to see the relevance of you moving in after six months if you've now been living together six years. It's very strange. Why would you inc hat in your op? Most folks would just say we have been living together six years now.

Anyway, I also thunk he should take his son and it's a lovely thing for him to do.

Jux · 06/08/2017 14:52

You say "this is not equal" and that confuses me. How can it be equal if the holiday is for one or two? Or was it for as many as you like? Is he paying extra to take his son? Do you think he should go on his own?

Have you always had a desire to go shopping in Dubai? Or did you justt think, "Oh Dubai. Well, I could go shopping while oh watches the, yawn yawn, golf" ? In other words, just cast about in your mind for something you could do instead of watching the golf?

It's not equal because you're not interested in golf and oh's son is. That's your choice, though.

user1497403588 · 06/08/2017 14:56

Lol. He won the competition, not you. he gets to decide who to take with him.

WhooooAmI24601 · 06/08/2017 14:56

Dubai is shite for shopping. Really expensive and not that much fun for a holiday tbh.

I may have missed the point. Of course he should take his DS. Be thankful you're in a relationship with someone who is able and willing to put his DCs first. Many parents don't. It fucks up the DCs spectacularly coming second place to someone their parent loves.

AlternativeTentacle · 06/08/2017 15:06

Yes, you, since you are the one equating taking his daughter to being arrested for unmarried sex. Shame on you.

Eh? That's in your head not mine. I said what if his daughter did want to play golf, ie when does she get the same chance of a holiday? Not to have sex. For fucks sake.

Mittens1969 · 06/08/2017 15:15

His DD is getting a special treat, which apparently she's very happy with. Also, she's only 11! How would DP look after her whilst playing golf? And maybe his ex isn't happy with the idea of him taking both of them.

I read it as a particular treat for his DS, who loves golf.

abigcupoffuckyou · 06/08/2017 15:29

No, you said Are you saying no adults in non-married relationships should be allowed into the UAE? So men are only allowed in and therefore they are only allowed to take their sons? What if his daughter wanted to play golf

meaning you thought that he couldn't take his daughter because of rules on unmarried relationships, or at least implying that was the logical conclusion of someone elses post.
You're sick.

melj1213 · 06/08/2017 15:30

I am and was pissed off because (and I fear I'm repeating myself) we're all equals. This situation is not equal?? Is this overly simple or complicated?

OK, everyone in the relationship - OP, DH, DSD, DSS - is equal.

DH wins a trip for two to a golf tournament.

OP has a "claim" on the trip because she is his partner.

DSD and DSS have a claim on the trip because they are his kids.

DSS has a claim on the trip because he is a golf fan who loves the sport and would enjoy and participate in every part of the prize trip.

If you're all equal then all individual "claims" on the trip are weighted equally and the only decider is the fact that DSS has two claims whilst OP and DSD only have one. Therefore in the name of equality and fairness, the person with the most claims on the other ticket should get it ... in this case it's DSS.

BinarySearchTree · 06/08/2017 15:40

Why on earth would you want to go to a place like Dubai? It's a theocracy built on slave labour. They jail women who report their rapes, and homosexuality is illegal.

YABU for wanting to go to Dubai at all.

JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 06/08/2017 15:40

If asa couple you regularly books and go on golfing holidays with dh and do your own things while he's off doing the golf, then I can see why you'd think he'd ask you to go on this golfing holiday.

If you'd talked as a couple about youd love to go to Dubai for him to watch the golf stuff and you do the shopping stuff, then I can see why it might hurt, but if it's a trip you'd not ever discussed doing or have been saving up for etc then sorry, yabu to think he shouldn't take his son.

If it's something he typically does with other people who enjoy golf, then should it be surprising that he wants to share the golfing holiday of a lifetime with someone who actually likes and will not waste the golfing element? It's sounds like he usually goes on golfing holidays himself, and when you mentioned you funded his latest trip, it kind of sounds like you think he owes you. Sorry if I'm wrong.

It's a bit shit that he isn't spending similar time with his daughter doing something together, and instead buys her off. She's been "compensated" with an item she's wanted for a while. Because it's expensive she's been told no, but all of a sudden it's not expensive and she can have it? It's been suggested that you do something girly with his daughter for those four days, I disagree, Dad should be doing something with his daughter for four days at some other time, girly or otherwise.

Dd and dh love rugby and if he won a rugby holiday he'd be taking her, not me, same as if I won a tech related holiday, dd would be coming as dh doesn't like tech, no way would he want to come instead and piss if doing his own thing while tickets etc for big event that would be loved by his dd got wasted.

Istoletherainbow · 06/08/2017 15:52

Binary, yes! Couldn't agree more. I find it baffling that this place seems to be so many people's idea of heaven. I've never understood it.

Back to the OP. Yes, YABU. Very Imo.

I was reading it assuming you were going to say he was taking a mate or something. I would have been with you then, but he's taking his DS.....his DS who is into golf. It makes perfect sense that he takes him. Why on earth are you annoyed?! I would have been judging him if he didn't take him. He's his child! His DC will always and should always come first.

I'm sorry, but you really do sound incredibly self absorbed.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/08/2017 15:55

Did he discuss it with you before making a decision?

JuicyStrawberry · 06/08/2017 15:56

I think his son should go, but I don't think it's unfair on the op or his daughter that they are both not going as well. It is a trip for two to do an activity which he and his son are interested in and is a trip which was won in a competition and not planned. If it was a planned holiday then they all could have gone as a family and both the op and daughter go off and do shopping or whatever, but it's a trip for two to do golf. It makes sense that his son goes with him and the op and her sd stay at home.

Orangetoffee · 06/08/2017 15:58

It's a holiday catered around a golf tournament, ofcourse he should take someone who is interested in golf, in this case his son.

I don't think the organisers would be too impressed if you went shopping instead of attending the event.

Buck3t · 06/08/2017 16:03

Abigcup so what qualifies as a step parent then? Do you need to be married? I think if you're doing the job then that is what you are No? If not do enlighten me.

Hadron this is how I see it. But it looks like I'm the only one (and now you too).

BewareOfDragons · 06/08/2017 16:03

Binary, completely agree. I wouldn't want to spend my hard-earned money supporting this country's policies.

worridmum · 06/08/2017 16:04

I do not get Mumsnet sometimes, apprently people thing new partners should come before children (or atleast be equal to them)

But a mother should never put a man in front of her child or children.

I am sorry but YABVU and should suck it up or move on to a man that does not have children if you cannot bear being 2nd in someones life

abigcupoffuckyou · 06/08/2017 16:12

I do not get Mumsnet sometimes, apprently people thing new partners should come before children (or atleast be equal to them)

Nobody thinks that. Did you not read the thread, or indeed any of mumsnet?

SpartacusSaiman · 06/08/2017 16:36

but I don't think it's unfair on the op or his daughter that they are both not going as well.

The dd is happy and got something bough that she really wanted.

JuicyStrawberry · 06/08/2017 17:18

Fair enough.

BasiliskStare · 06/08/2017 17:22

I would be delighted and wish them all well for their trip. What's not to like , really? It is a present and they will most likely have a great time.

I think with a 15yr old golf liking DS you were always being a bit naive to think you'd be top of the invitation list. Just wish them well for 4 days. Ie yes - you're being a bit unreasonable although can see a free short holiday could be attractive. Not so attractive , though.