Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

967 replies

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 18:44

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
Only1scoop · 05/08/2017 19:26

How entitled of her
No chance

Betsyboo87 · 05/08/2017 19:28

Can she not just come for the day actitivities and go home in the evening? At least one person has done that on each of the hen do's I've been on. Go with the suggestion that they stay elsewhere. I did go on one where someone brought her DP and DD so she could bf. We were in a hotel though so they had their own room and the DP and DD just went out and did their own thing so we didn't really see them at all.

I have no idea why DP would want to go to the dinner. My DH would choose toddler tantrums over girl talk any day.

HillaryWinshaw · 05/08/2017 19:29

Good lord, she's insane. Absolutely tell her it won't work. No one wants a toddler there! And her husband needs to man up, for goodness sake. What kind of self-respecting man would go to a hen do, along with his toddler, because he can't deal with his child?

PollyFlint · 05/08/2017 19:29

Guessing you have never been in an abusive relationship. Pleased you find it so funny though.

I have been in an abusive relationship. My ex partner abused me physically and emotionally, made my life a misery and put me in hospital.

It's for precisely this reason that I would rather have not gone on a hen weekend at all than gone on a hen weekend with him.

ethelfleda · 05/08/2017 19:30

Just to add another 'NOOOOO' for good measure!
and to shamelessly place mark

jeaux90 · 05/08/2017 19:31

Me too Polly. Exactly what I would have done having been in that position too.

Only1scoop · 05/08/2017 19:32

Hilary
Quite

MrsPringles · 05/08/2017 19:33

First off, virtual high 5 to you for the hen do organising. I'm currently arranging my sisters and honestly want to kill them all, it's a bloody nightmare.
NEVER AGAIN!

Secondly echo literally everyone else, tell her to poke it. No way in hell should you arrange everything around the child and the husband and toddler should absolutely not be there. How awkward would the husband be sat around a dinner table with a load of pissed women and inflatable willies ??!

I say this as the mother of a 2yr old. That's the last place I would think to bring him 🙄

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/08/2017 19:34

I think the short version of the text you need to send is something I read on the bullying thread recently. #MyNotFInkSo Grin

frozenfairy123 · 05/08/2017 19:34

Yep many of us have had kids that won't settle for others and a useless dh that can't seem to cope at all. U don't go end of.
Maybe this woman's hubby doesn't trust her on a hen do and has insisted he comes to keep an eye on her? Strange! Answer is still no. No kids or men!

Viviennemary · 05/08/2017 19:35

Of course this isn't on. It's mad. What is wrong with some people. Clingy toddler with epic tantrums. Sounds like everyone's ideal nightmare out.

John4703 · 05/08/2017 19:36

I am going to comment as a guy, and a father of four children.
What a brilliant chance for the poor father to bond with his toddler. Mum is away and left her mobile at home, he has to get on with it and can bond at home without any chance of the toddler demanding, and getting, mummy. Mummy is simply not here.

Mummy can enjoy the hen do and when she gets home she will probably find a happy toddler who loves her/his Dad as much as his/her Mum.
All too often Dads do not get left alone with a toddler for extended periods so this is a brilliant chance for him.

Hmmalittlefishy · 05/08/2017 19:37

Of course thy can't come. I went to a hood friends hen do when ds was only a couple more this old and breastfeeding. Luckily it was by the in laws so dh and ds stayed there with expressed milk for one feed and I went to the day activity and came home. Friend was pleased I made the effort (I hope), no expectation that things would change for me and I accepted that I wasn't able to /didn't want to disappear for a weekend.
It is the brides evening /weekend not this 'friends' and I certainly wouldn't be accommodating those changes.

SuperPug · 05/08/2017 19:38

God no.
It's so unfair on everyone else and will ruin the atmosphere. Family gatherings yes, someone's hen do- no, no, no.
You can't "make it work" and the other organiser is deluded. Having a toddler (who sounds a bit of a pain tbh) AND a partner, for a bride who wants a good hen do and others who want a break?

kali110 · 05/08/2017 19:39

Yanbu, at all.
Ofcourse this isn't ok.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2017 19:40

All too often Dads do not get left alone with a toddler for extended periods so this is a brilliant chance for him.

I'm guessing he doesn't view it like that though......

She's being ridiculous but I do wonder how much her hand is being forced by her DH, not because he's abusive but just because he's said he won't cope and the woman knows she either drags Toddler and DH along or she will be unable to go. Maybe she's really fucked off about it all too - who knows.

However, her DH not wanting to parent is not your problem OP and the whole idea is ridiculous. YANBU at all!!

Good luck with the text and I can't wait to see her reply Grin

Chattycat78 · 05/08/2017 19:40

No way!!!! I have a 1 year old and a 2.5 year old. This is the stuff of nightmares let me tell you! Tell her it's not going to work. Why ruin it for everyone else!

The husband in question needs to step up!

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2017 19:40

This is even worse than the glamping thread!!

MarthasHarbour · 05/08/2017 19:41

What kind of fresh hell is this! Shock i have 2 DCs and there is no way on fucking earth I would do this.

YADNBU

really-just placemarking for live updates

Wink
SuperPug · 05/08/2017 19:42

Maybe text something like...
"It would be great if you can make it to part of the hen do as I'm aware it's difficult with dd. As you can appreciate, other people are coming on their own and looking forward to it and having a break from partners and kids. We're all really excited about catching up and letting off a bit of a steam so it won't work to bring DD and partner along."

gamerchick · 05/08/2017 19:42

Please tell her no OP. Make sure you put in her cancelling as an option.

Christ some people have no clues Confused

SuperPug · 05/08/2017 19:43

Also, really U to use an excuse about her partner not coping with his own child. Jesus.

Mrscropley · 05/08/2017 19:45

How many ways to say no?
No
Not a chance
No way
Fuck no
How many other languages can anyone post the word no in?
..............

eubyru · 05/08/2017 19:45

There was a thread yesterday which sounds really similar to this only it was the actual mum who wrote it.

She wanted to bring her baby to a hen weekend Shock

itsnotterrysitsmine · 05/08/2017 19:45

Why would anyone ever even contemplate bringing a toddler to a hen do?! There are some occasions where it goes without saying it is just not appropriate to bring your kids along & this is very definitely one of them. DS2 wouldn't settle for anyone but me for the first 2yrs, DH either put on his big boy pants & dealt with it or I didn't go.

This woman sounds like a completely self absorbed twat to expect everyone else who has paid good money for a grown up hen weekend to be ok with it being hijacked & rearranged to suit her, her toddler & DP.