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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

967 replies

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 18:44

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
pigsDOfly · 05/08/2017 19:13

Oh no OP, forget the drinking games. She's already said she wants the time for dinner moved to accommodate her child's feeding time, so I'm guessing that any noise that might disturb the child after her bedtime will not be allowed.

You'll all have to be in bed with the lights out by 8.30 at the latest.

MargotsDevil · 05/08/2017 19:13

I've been to many hen dos with many entitled friends (sister's bridesmaid, I'm looking at you Angry) but have never come across babies/toddlers being brought along. And now I'm reading the second thread in as many days on just that.

Would IBU to make it clear to my friends that children will not be welcome on my own forthcoming hen? It hadn't been on my radar until now Confused

Mightywease · 05/08/2017 19:13

So many types of no!!!

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 05/08/2017 19:15
Shock
jeaux90 · 05/08/2017 19:16

Ffs! No!! This women has a choice. Don't go or get her husband to effing well parent.

I think your bride will be disappointed if you let this happen. The women is putting herself first.

sadeyedladyofthelowlands63 · 05/08/2017 19:16

A million times no. For all the reasons pp's have said. If I was the bride and turned up to my hen do to find a toddler/partner there as well I would be seriously pissed off.

OnlyRose · 05/08/2017 19:17

You should definitely tell her she can fuck right off with that plan. But, as a PP said, how close is she to the bride/other organiser/other hens? Is she part of a large group of friends going who might take her side (can't imagine anyone would though!) and make things difficult for you? That would be my worry. Do any of the other hens know about this madness? Might be worth getting some of them on side but I'd get in touch with her individually first and save reinforcements for when if she kicks off.

Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 19:17

@keepservingthedrinks she's reasonably close to the bride - used to be a very good school and college friend but they're less in touch now so I wouldn't say one of her best friends....
Thank you :) Although if ever I needed a glass of wine... Grin

@Topbitchofthewitches I do appreciate she might be having difficulties but it's also the way she has just told me that this is what's happening that has irked me - I don't think it's reasonable to bring a toddler and partner but if she had contacted us and explained and asked if we thought there was any way we could work around it, I would have suggested her staying in close b&b and popping over for meal etc or unfortunately giving it a miss if her DD really is that reliant on her. She's kind of trying to make it so we don't have a choice!

Thanks for the text suggestions, I'm just going to eat some dinner and then I will post the text that I'm going to send.

Thank you, you've all made me feel a bit saner and calmer. I swear my blood pressure was going through the roof!

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 05/08/2017 19:17

^Maybe you could consider that this woman actually doesn't have a choice about this?

Not having a dig in any way at all. But that would have been me many many years ago^

Then you realise that you cannot, with an astounding sense of entitlement, change the entire parameters of the evening to suit you and make demands that simply are not reasonable. As people on MN are fond of saying, its an invitation, not a summons and you can decline. I think many people, me included, have had to decline things because as a parent of small children, some things are just not feasible.

How long ago was this all organised OP? Surely she knew then that her partner was a bit useless with the tantrumming toddler? Why did she agree to everything and then seek to change it all last minute? It sounds highly manipulative to me. I would send her an email saying sorry, but what she suggests simply isnt possible due to what has already been agreed, arranged and paid for and she should let you know soonest if she is unable to attend.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/08/2017 19:17

MadMags suggested reply at 19:00 sounds perfect OP.

Pud2 · 05/08/2017 19:17

Can you speak to one of the other hens who is in her friendship group? Ask for their opinion and see if they'll have a word?

Tatlerer · 05/08/2017 19:18

SHE MAY NOT HAVE A CHOICE???? lol at that one, funniest thing I've heard all day.

Good luck with your text OP, look forward to hearing how it's received I have to say.

OrphanAccount · 05/08/2017 19:18

As others have said that's really not on. Tell her no.

mumtoboys3 · 05/08/2017 19:20
Grin
MyWhatICallNameChange · 05/08/2017 19:20

No. if the child can't stay at home with dad then she can't go. And I speak as someone who has missed out on nights out when my kids were young - or only gone to the meal because I had to get back.

Who the hell wants a toddler and a man hanging around at a hen do? (Answer: No one!)

ohtheholidays · 05/08/2017 19:20

No way in hell would I have ever taken one of my 5DC to a hen night and I was a single mum to 4DC no help from my ex or family.

So her little girl will play up well Daddy either bloody mans up and deals with it or the Mum doesn't go!

allgoodthings84 · 05/08/2017 19:21

I would never ever take my 2 year old to a hen do! She should bow out (still pay her part) or go without partner and toddler. Tell her no way. It will ruin the dynamic of a hen do

TopBitchoftheWitches · 05/08/2017 19:22

tatlerer

Guessing you have never been in an abusive relationship. Pleased you find it so funny though.

I was just trying to explain from a different angle. That's all.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 05/08/2017 19:22

She doesn't have a choice??

That is ridiculous. My DD2 was was the worlds worst child, (no one who has met her would disagree!) but my DH would've sucked it up, or I would've not gone, or gone for only a meal or one night. You do not bring your family with you 😂

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2017 19:23

No sorry this is an adults only event, so no children please. It will ruin the dynamic. Cheeky mare, if I were in her position, ibwould not go.

TurnipCake · 05/08/2017 19:24

Oh come on, TopBitch may of us have survived abusive relationships, myself included, it doesn't

a) make it OP's problem
b) mean they can dictate to the OP how she ought to be organising the event

PollyFlint · 05/08/2017 19:24

Maybe you could consider that this woman actually doesn't have a choice about this?

She has choices. She could leave the toddler with its father who should be perfectly capable of dealing with his own child's tantrums. Or she could just not come to the hen do. There's nothing complicated about this.

If you have a child, you have to accept that you won't always be able to do all the things you did before you had one. You don't take a toddler to a hen weekend in the same way that you don't take a toddler out clubbing.

Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 19:25

@topbitchofthewitches I totally didn't get that angle, I'm sorry! So you're saying the partner could be insisting he come along?
I don't really know her at all so have no idea what her personal situation is, I'm just going on what she's said and the way she has said it.

just seen @madmags suggestion thanks @dionethediabolist

right really must eat, DH is giving me the evil eye for mumsnetting during GOT which I insisted we watched....I will be back, I promise!

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 05/08/2017 19:25

Total bullshit.

She needs to get it.

lookatyourwatchnow · 05/08/2017 19:26

Ha ha ha ha, that is the most ridiculous hen do behaviour I have ever heard. Tell her to get to fuck. She is outrageous! How do people get through life or have any friends with such a self-absorbed attitude? If between the two of them they can't manage the basic care of one bloody toddler they will have much bigger problems than the practicalities of a mate's hen do.