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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thoughts please

119 replies

Sorryaboutthetopic · 04/08/2017 23:24

My husband had an affair nine years ago.
He has a child of eight that he has never met.
We have a child who is seven.
We are still together.
What do I do?

Sorry for the Haiku, he pays child support but I have no idea what to tell my daughter. She has always been daddy's princess and it would hurt her so much to find out.

Bring it on....I just want to do the right thing by my daughter and I really don't know what that is.
TIA.

OP posts:
Mrscropley · 04/08/2017 23:27

Imo you need to prepare dd for the day when dsis comes knocking. . You have forgiven him so she needs to think it's OK too.

hiphopcat · 04/08/2017 23:34

Sorry, so your husband had an affair, and the woman got pregnant, and then you went and had a baby with him AFTER that?

Confused

As for your DD. Well if your DH has had nothing to do with the kid he fathered, then why does your DD have to know? No need to tell her til she is 18-ish is there? Are the paths likely to cross of the 2 children anytime soon?

MommaGee · 04/08/2017 23:37

Not only did you forgive your DH for javong an affair and getting someone else pregnant (your perogative) bur you also supported him to have nothing t do with her??

Tbh neither of you are covered in glory.

Does DH want her to know? Is he contwmatong stepping up for his OTHER child?

If not I wait till she's 16/8

MoonfaceAndSilky · 04/08/2017 23:38

So he pays child support but does he ever see his other child?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 04/08/2017 23:42

Sorry just re-read your op - he has never met his other child????!!!! Wow just wow Confused

Genghi · 04/08/2017 23:42

Is there a chance they'll meet? If not then don't rock her world just yet. Wait until she's older.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 04/08/2017 23:44

Wait until she's older. Your husband's other child may not ever want to see him anyway if they've never had contact. She certainly isn't going to come knocking without notice at 8 years old.

HashiAsLarry · 04/08/2017 23:45

I'm not sure what the best time is, but if they're in the same locality as you then let dd know.

I know someone who hooked up, though thankfully unsexually, with a guy who she later discovered was her half brother she never knew existed

Original poster
Sorryaboutthetopic · 04/08/2017 23:49

Hiphop I was pregnant when I found out. Also married, which I happen to believe in.

MomaG - get a dictionary

OP posts:
MadameJosephine · 04/08/2017 23:50

He has an 8 year old child he has never met! Why not? I genuinely could not be in a relationship with a man who could do this. Surely it would have been better for him and both his children to have a relationship from the very beginning?

MommaGee · 04/08/2017 23:52

Sorry Sorry, I should proof read.

Not only did you forgive your DH for having an affair and getting someone else pregnant (your perogative especially as you were pregnant) but you also supported him to have nothing to do with her/him??

Tbh neither of you are covered in glory.

Does DH want her to know? Is he contemplating stepping up for his OTHER child?

If not I wait till she's 16/8

Why has this come up now?

Original poster
Sorryaboutthetopic · 05/08/2017 00:01

I was actually looking for some something helpful here - if I wanted to be told off I could stay quiet!! So sorry if I am crap for forgiving my husband but we are quite happy now and I am glad I did!
I wanted advice on the children but not getting much so will go to bed

OP posts:
MommaGee · 05/08/2017 00:03

People have asked questions with which to get mow info to offer advice.

Why now?
Is DH planning on seeing her?
All of that impacts on the answers.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 00:05

And it is entirely your perogative to forgive, especially as you were pregnant. You're not the first or the last.

You talk about wanting to do the right thing by her but you've colluded with keeping her away from her sibling her entire life.

So why the change now?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 05/08/2017 00:09

I agree madam. Why have you not dealt with this earlier, op? Did you think it would go away if you ignored it? Does it not bother you that your Dh hasn't ever seen his child? I think you need to tell your dd asap before she ends up an adult who resents you for not telling her the truth and having preventing her from any kind of relationship with her sibling Sad Horrible situation to be in, I don't envy you

Original poster
Sorryaboutthetopic · 05/08/2017 00:11

Again MommaG please get a dictionary....it is not difficult to spell check.
I have a long, mainly happy marriage. Are you going to put me up if if I leave tomorrow?

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 05/08/2017 00:17

7 years seems a long time for this to have been ignored. Does your DH maintain any sort of contact at all? And what does your DH want/plan to do?

It's something that will in all likelihood come back to you all; the child will have access to so much information via social media once they're at an age to use it that you should probably get a plan together now for how you plan to handle it. Could you talk to your DD about the fact that Daddy and Mummy weren't together for a while and that Daddy had a baby with someone else? Is she mature enough to handle a very mild version of the truth? Springing this upon her when there's a half-sibling at the door would be far more traumatic I imagine.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 05/08/2017 00:23

the child will have access to so much information via social media once they're at an age to use it
Especially as they are a similar age, friends of friends etc and it may all come out. I think you are right not to leave it any longer, it needs sorting now. Does your dh plan to have any contact with his other child?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 05/08/2017 00:30

Could you talk to your DD about the fact that Daddy and Mummy weren't together for a while and that Daddy had a baby with someone else?
Yes, a watered down version could be the best way. So your dd is aware she has a sibling out there somewhere but it doesn't affect her at the moment, and she's not totally shocked should she bump into her half sister/brother at a later date

Maryz · 05/08/2017 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 05/08/2017 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamabear4180 · 05/08/2017 00:53

What do you do about what? The child he fathered is a complete stranger, is that likely to change? Has something happened? Why would you tell your DD at this point? I don't understand

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 01:02

You are the one asking OP so cut the attitude, you don't get to have a strop because the answers aren't friendly. People aren't "telling you off" because you took your DH back - it's because you've been complicit in ensuring a child goes without her father, as if she's some sort of inconvenience rather than a human being Sad

Anyway, your DD isn't the only important one in this - what is best for her sister? Are you thinking of them meeting? Have you spoke to her sister's mum? I think that unless you're gonna have a relationship with this other child it would be cruel to dangle a sibling in front of your young DD but not allow her to meet her.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 01:03

Just realised you didn't actually specify the sex of the other child, so I may mean brother in my post rather than sister!

RadioGaGoo · 05/08/2017 01:28

Typical message board deflection. If you don't like the answer, attack the spelling/grammar of the post. That's when you know you hit a nerve.

MommaG is right. You have colluded with your husband to keep this child a secret from your daughter. Your husband is a pretty poor excuse for a father for not seeing his other daughter and I think you know that deep inside.