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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thoughts please

119 replies

Sorryaboutthetopic · 04/08/2017 23:24

My husband had an affair nine years ago.
He has a child of eight that he has never met.
We have a child who is seven.
We are still together.
What do I do?

Sorry for the Haiku, he pays child support but I have no idea what to tell my daughter. She has always been daddy's princess and it would hurt her so much to find out.

Bring it on....I just want to do the right thing by my daughter and I really don't know what that is.
TIA.

OP posts:

SplatController · 06/08/2017 14:16

I'm not bothered as such. If it wasn't in my "I'm Watching" I'd have forgotten.

I mostly just wonder what perverse pleasure the mean-spirited posters get from being online.

Anyway, remember our new motto?

MrsBrown72 · 10/08/2017 22:18

Thanks so much for your kindness - so I blow my family apart for what?
My husband has no relationship with the child and I can't see how it would work going forward?

TeenAndTween · 10/08/2017 22:24

MrsBrown72 Are you the OP?

You don't blow your family apart, you may put a few cracks in it, but if you do it carefully, now, your 7yo should cope. 7/8 is young enough to accept. Yes they will question as they get older but it won't be world shattering.

Whereas if it all comes out when your DC is a teen or older, you do run the risk of everything shattering and not being recoverable.

TeenAndTween · 10/08/2017 22:25

You telling your DC about the existence of the other DC is a separate issue as to whether your DH should/will try to have contact.

MrsBrown72 · 10/08/2017 22:30

And how do I get round the fact my husband will not deal with it? He does not want the child and he will not engage. I really do not know what to do as I know how I would feel if it was my child but I can't force him to feel something he doesn't

Oswin · 10/08/2017 22:32

Shit man. He sounds awful. Do you really want to be with him? Because what you have just said makes him seem like a really bad man.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/08/2017 22:41

He sounds such a nice man

Doesn't want the child ? Should have bloody thought of that shouldn't he ?

I have a family member who abandoned twins in a similar situation. I thought k he and your husband are disgraceful. At least your husband pays maintenance I suppose.

Evilstepmum01 · 10/08/2017 22:43

He does not want the child

This. thats very very sad and I would struggle to like never mind love someone who felt this way about their own child. Or one of their children, sorry.

User843022 · 10/08/2017 22:47

I would keep it very simple. 8 year olds accept things without much interest really. Say your dh has a DC who is older and lives with their DM. That's it. Your DD will ask questions as she gets older but now is the time to tell her the very basic facts.

Left to teen years would be disastrous.

Papafran · 10/08/2017 23:02

MrsBrown, if you and the OP are the same, I think you have to start being more assertive. I can promise you that the truth will come out somehow at some point in the future and she will be absolutely furious with both of you. Plus what the hell sort of role model is he being for her, abandoning his own child? Do it now while you can still undo the damage. Tell her about the other child in an age-appropriate way like other posters have suggested. She can deal with that at 8. Then, your DH needs to start to build bridges with his child, regardless of whether the mother is 'impossible'. She, understandably, probably feels angry that he no doubt fed her a load of shit about how bad his marriage was (if he even told her) and then dumped her when she was pregnant. It's one of the worst things you can do to another person (but obviously for you to come to terms with your choice to be married to a person like this). However, she might be able to be persuaded that it would be in the DCs interest to gradually in time establish some form of contact.

Oh and those praising the DH for paying child support. He has no choice. If he didn't pay it, the mum would just get an order for his employer to take it from his earnings. It means nothing and I suspect that if there weren't child maintenance laws, he would not pay anything.

Mrscropley · 10/08/2017 23:09

In his dd eyes he has abandoned her sister. . This will come back to bite him hard one day. .

Toriamayrose · 10/08/2017 23:12

Im actually a mother on the other side to your situation I was with my dd father for three years got pregnant & he left me at age 20 & wanted nothing to do with our daughter, fast forward 9 years now no he still has never made any contact with her he now has a 8 year old boy with one woman and I believe a one year old with current woman, my daughter was always told she had a little brother & that her father was busy working but when she got to six years of age the questions really started, so I had to be abit more honest with her about the situation & told her her father wasn't a responsible parent & had made bad choices & explained about her brother having a different mam, she wanted to meet brother but not father so I made contact with the boys mother & my daughter now has a relationship with her half brother & she loves the fact she has a brother, when I heard he had another child with current partner I explained to my child she had a new half brother who of she wanted to meet too, so I made contact with this mother but didn't expect anything from it as she is still with they father but just asked her to let him know when he is old enough to make his own decisions he has a half sister who would like to know him too of I never had a reply but its a shit situation to be in & a tricky one so i know where u are but I refuse to keep things from my dd that are fact, my opinions as such are a different matter & she needs to make her own mind up about her father in time, so my advice is to be open with your dd but not to open child friendly version & at least your little one can only be hurt by the past not the present if she was to find out you kept it from her, I understand u dont want to hurt your child I was same place when mine was 6 but I just thought older she gets more it will hurt, oc its whatever u feel is best for your child as for the rest I'd really rather not comment as a mother of a child whos father never bothered

TmiTuesdays · 10/08/2017 23:20

As someone above said, if I were your Dd, I would be worried that one day my dad wouldn't want me either, if he can so easily give up one child why not another? I'd also feel somewhat guilty at being the 'favoured' child. She needs to know but please be prepared for difficult questions. Frankly, since your DH caused this situation, perhaps he needs to be involved with broaching it? Be a decent and honest father to one of his children, at least.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 10/08/2017 23:23

I think I would mention it casually to your DD soon if it were me. tbh.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it, but if something comes up about siblings/people having babies I would drop in 'Dad had a child with someone else before you were born' and if asked for details would just say, 'I don't really know anything else about it. He doesn't have any contact with the mother'. At least it won't then come as a massive shock to her when/if it all comes out.

I would be very low key and not making a big deal out of it though. Myrtle has it right.

Panda81 · 11/08/2017 06:49

The problem you may have if you choose not to tell your DD is that you can't control what is being said within the other family.

What happens if your DD is a teenager or adult and the other child (also teen/adult) makes contact with your DD and tells her everything she knows? Who or what will the DD be most hurt by if that scenario occurs?

When there are other people involved that you have no contact with, I just wouldn't want to take the risk of them turning up with the truth. DD deserves to know and deserves to hear it from her parents. You risk seriously damaging your relationship in the future by not telling her now.

GinIsIn · 11/08/2017 06:57

Not wanting the child is something he should probably have considered before sticking his penis into all and sundry. Bit late now.

You need to tell your DD before she is old enough to find out for herself or she will never trust you or your 'D'H again. And you need to try as far as possible to facilitate some kind of relationship.

And you need to address the twatty way you speak to other posters - people who have spent 7 years lying to their child should generally focus on things other than other posters' typos.....

Alanna1 · 11/08/2017 06:57

OP, in your shoes I would firstly see if I could afford to take some professional advice from a child psych, then I'd probably hunt out some books which more normalise the situation. I don't have any books recommendations for you but blended families do get discussed in books. I'd see how they respond to the story line in a book as a means of introducing it.

User843022 · 11/08/2017 08:43

'Not wanting the child is something he should probably have considered before sticking his penis into all and sundry. Bit late now. '

I think the op knows that. She asked how to deal with the current situation. Perfect mumsnetters love telling others off with their cats bum faces.

My dm had a half dB, she was told when 7 so grew up knowing about him but not seeing him. Not great, but it happens all the time.

MrsBrown72 · 15/08/2017 00:32

Thank you for the good advice - and I agree that that I need to deal with this but it is so hard. To the people who say I should have LTB at the time, and to all the haters I hope you are all so happy in your perfect marriages. I was pregnant and we have gone on to have a happy relationship. My daughter and her dad are so close. It is not always black and white. I hope you never have these difficulties and need advise and get vitriol instead.

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