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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thoughts please

119 replies

Sorryaboutthetopic · 04/08/2017 23:24

My husband had an affair nine years ago.
He has a child of eight that he has never met.
We have a child who is seven.
We are still together.
What do I do?

Sorry for the Haiku, he pays child support but I have no idea what to tell my daughter. She has always been daddy's princess and it would hurt her so much to find out.

Bring it on....I just want to do the right thing by my daughter and I really don't know what that is.
TIA.

OP posts:
FoodArtFreak · 05/08/2017 01:32

His poor other child! Why on earth has he never seen them?! Or did he promise you he wouldn't?

Hisnamesblaine · 05/08/2017 01:33

What radioGaGoo said..........

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 02:00

Sorryaboutthetopic you can pedantically complain about a perfectly legible post (just realised I always spelled prerogative incorrectly) with one typo and one keyboard error. Or you can answer the very sensible questions.

Perhaps you have decided I'm too thick to answer but others have asked the same questions.

The children are 7 and 8. Why aw you o addressing this now?
Does DH intend to start seeing his oldest child?
And missing r or not in prerogative, I've clearly stated I agree it's your choice to stay, especially given that you were pregnant when you found out. No one is telling you to LTB. They're asking why you supported your husband to physically abandon his eldest child.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 02:04

God forbid 10 year down the line...

Mom, Dad - I met someone at Uni. I really like them / I'm pregnant / we're in love. I want you guys to meet their Mom because we've set a date...

splatController · 05/08/2017 02:13

A quintessential MN thread. The OP gets roundly picked on with snide comments for no reason. Why is forgiveness such aa crime MommaGee?

"By parents for parents".

I think WhooooAmI24601's approach sounds best OP.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 02:16

When have I said she shouldn't forgive? IV said its her prerogative. It is. It doesn't matter if i would. iT does matter she's colluded in keeping a child from their father.

And despite numerous people have asked sensible questions to help her out, she doesn't want to engage.

I don't see any snide comments.

splatController · 05/08/2017 03:07

Snide (IMO) comments;

"so your husband had an affair, and the woman got pregnant, and then you went and had a baby with him AFTER that? Confused"

No idea why that poster was confused. The OP was clear that that was indeed the situation.

"Does it not bother you that your Dh hasn't ever seen his child?"

Nothing to do with the OPs question.

"Your (d)h's other child will definitely be hurt."

Why 'D' in brackets? The OP says they're happy and surely it's the default to assume married people are happy and would refer to their spouse as 'D'whatever.

"If you do insist on staying with him then tell your dd the truth."

Why us the word 'insist'?

"Lying to children is never good. Though I suspect you will keep it a secret from her to protect your dh Hmm"

Just a horrible dig at the OP.

None of these have anything to do with the question the OP asked and are just bully-boy, snide comments.

You said that the OP hasn't covered herself in glory for 2 reasons; forgiving her husband and supporting his having nothing to do with the other child.

I don't like the sound of the DH not seeing his other daughter but it may have been at the other woman's request or wishes. She may have been married too. I can think of several scenarios where him leaving the picture could be for the best for all involved. He pays for the child which is in his favour. Anyway, the OP didn't ask for judgement, she asked for advice. Why she responded in kind to the comments she received she was patronisingly told to "cut the attitude".

As I said, a quintessential MN thread.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 05:25

He pays for the child which is in his favour.

Sorry do people get a round of applause now for paying for their offspring? It's not a favour it's an obligation. Guess I'm doing my 2 a favour by supporting them 🙄

Anyway, the OP didn't ask for judgement, she asked for advice. Why she responded in kind to the comments she received she was patronisingly told to "cut the attitude".

Did you not read the OP's responses? How is jumping down people's throats about their spelling an grammar in any way kind? People's comments were fair, you can't huff off if a thread doesn't go your way. I can only imagine how the actual situation is treated IRL with this attitude

monkeysox · 05/08/2017 05:31

Yabu to not see the step child you have not mentioned the reason for the lack of relationship with them.

Yes, your own child needs to know.

splatController · 05/08/2017 05:39

CherryChasingDotMuncher

Do you understand the difference between doing someone a favour and "in his favour"?

Why are you sorry?

Who is applauding anyone?

DonaldStott · 05/08/2017 06:11

How can you not be bothered and plod on with your now happy marriage, knowing he has a child that he has never seen?

nodogsinthebedroom · 05/08/2017 07:16

Totally agree with splatController this thread is mumsnet at its bitchy and bullying worst.

OP I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, but WhooooAmI24601's idea seems sensible.

Pickleypickles · 05/08/2017 07:21

Why are some people on here so awful to one another? OP wanted advice on her daughter not to be judged and attacked over a

Pickleypickles · 05/08/2017 07:24

Posted too soon....
Over a decision she made nearly ten years ago.
In regards to your daughter if she isn't going to have anything to do with the other child (which I'm guessing she won't if your husband doesnt) then you may just cause her heartache for no reason, I would wait a while, something may happen and give you a definitive answer on what you want to do in the future.

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 07:29

How can you explain to a child that another child has the same father, but he has nothing to do with her?

That he loves her, but not the other one.

This would be far easier to explain if he had done the right thing. Which is pay and be there for his child.

I couldn't be with a man thay could ignore he own child its a massive indicator that if you split he will ignore your child as well.

Op you believe in marriage. Your dh doesnt. He cheated. He doesnt believe in the responsibility that comes with producing a child. Thats not a great future for you or your child.

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 07:31

The fact that he has nothing to do with the chikd is very relavant.

Its the reason the OPs child doesnt know about her half sibling. If he had been a decent parent, the ops dd would have grown up with this as the norm. There would be no nees for a big reveal. No nees to work pur how to tell her.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 07:52

I do splat but I don't understand why paying for a child goes in his favour? He should pay for the child to produced, you don't get brownie points for not being a complete nob

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 07:55

Agree entirely with Spartacus I don't think a 7yo would have the capacity to understand why her father would have another child that he never sees, but he sees and loves her. And to say "you have a brother/sister but we're not going to let you meet him/her" would be more than a little cruel.

Pickleypickles · 05/08/2017 07:56

sparticus OP cant change the past, the past has happened already. She is looking for advice moving forward and it clearly states he does pay for his child, also i think unless YOU have been married to the man for 10+ years you cant predict how he would treat OPs daughter if they ever split (not that OP even mentioned that)

SpareASquare · 05/08/2017 07:58

What a prick. I'm glad you have a 'long, mainly happy marriage' OP but, seeing as you are after advice about your daughter, here's mine...

I sincerely hope your daughter sets the bar way higher than her mother despite the example she's being set.

You're welcome.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 07:59

Of course she can't change the last, but it's entirely relevant that he doesn't see his child and that OP was supportive of this decision as it's now impacting on their DD, hence her post. I'm not sure why people think it's not worth pointing out Confused

PovertyJetset · 05/08/2017 08:02

op I don't actually know what you're asking.

Also, why won't you respond to any of the questions??

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 08:03

sparticusOP cant change the past, the past has happened already. She is looking for advice moving forward and it clearly states he does pay for his child, also i think unless YOU have been married to the man for 10+ years you cant predict how he would treat OPs daughter if they ever split (not that OP even mentioned that)

Actually, past behaviour is usually a massive indicator of future behaviour. This is a man that ignores his responsibilities.

He doesnt get brownie points for paying. Its a legal obligation.

PovertyJetset · 05/08/2017 08:04

Lastly, it frowned upon to pull someone up on their typos/writing. mommagees posts were plainly legible. Don't be a nit picker.

nodogsinthebedroom · 05/08/2017 08:04

WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT THE OP WAS SUPPORTIVE OF HER HUSBAND'S DECISION NOT TO SEE HIS FIRST CHILD?

Sorry for shouting, but arg! People are making so many assumptions.

We don't even know it was his decision, it might've been the mother's.