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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thoughts please

119 replies

Sorryaboutthetopic · 04/08/2017 23:24

My husband had an affair nine years ago.
He has a child of eight that he has never met.
We have a child who is seven.
We are still together.
What do I do?

Sorry for the Haiku, he pays child support but I have no idea what to tell my daughter. She has always been daddy's princess and it would hurt her so much to find out.

Bring it on....I just want to do the right thing by my daughter and I really don't know what that is.
TIA.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 05/08/2017 17:07

The
Sending

I hate my phone

eleanor1989 · 05/08/2017 17:17

What does the mother of the other child think? What does your husband want? If you live close enough they could potentially end up in the same school year in secondary (depending on the months they were born). Personally I would let my child know that they have a sibling but in a 'normal' way. Wouldn't make it seem like a big issue. This way my child wouldn't be shocked or upset, it'd just be normal. You child is still young enough to understand but not lash out. I wouldn't leave it much longer though.

Piratesandpants · 05/08/2017 17:19

Honesty is the best policy, explained in agr appropriate language. Your DH has no excuse for being such an appalling man and 'father' to his other child. ''Blow their world apart' - my arse. Be careful op with your excuses for him - he could also abandon your DD one day.

Hurraahhnaptime · 05/08/2017 17:19

I am the child of a similar situation. I was never told of my half sibling. Then one day my sibling told me who they were. One parent said they thought they had already told me. The other played naive. Please be the adult in this and make sure a parent lets your DD know. The younger she is the better. It was truly absurd that another child had to come forward as the 'hidden' sibling and no adult had the courage to do the right thing. I actually took it really well. But now as an adult I think the parents behaved terribly.

Hurraahhnaptime · 05/08/2017 17:23

Also people who are suggesting waiting until the child is older. Why? Better she knows as soon as possible. Honestly why insist on this deceit continuing.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 17:26

I just can't imagine an 8 yo understanding Daddy has a daughter / son who has a different Mommy (ok so far) who we never told you about and who Daddy never sees and you can't ever meet.

At least once there both adults they can so something about it.

I do think though that DH has dodged the bullet and really needs to be talking to his ex about access to their child. Does she have a new Dad? Is he on the birth cert etc?

TeenAndTween · 05/08/2017 17:33

I just can't imagine an 8 yo understanding Daddy has a daughter / son who has a different Mommy (ok so far) who we never told you about and who Daddy never sees and you can't ever meet.

Why not? Children can be very accepting when young. Certainly much more chance of them accepting age 8 than age 13. And waiting until they are an adult could make them feel their whole upbringing was a lie.

missiondecision · 05/08/2017 17:33

I actually think it's really unfair to leave it until she is older.
Better to have grown up knowing than to find out later than her parents knew all her life and decided to tell her nothing.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 18:28

I have no experience of 8 yo's, I'm willing to concede I might be wrong

TeenAndTween · 05/08/2017 18:54

A lot of 8yos believe in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy. I don't that type would be questioning the whys and wherefores of having a half sibling somewhere if told in a matter of fact way.
You ideally need to tell children this kind of stuff before they understand all the implications. Then it doesn't come up as earth shattering news, just something that 'is'.
It certainly isn't going to get any easier the older the DC gets.

Maryz · 05/08/2017 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1498911589 · 05/08/2017 19:50

@DonaldStott How can you not be bothered and plod on with your now happy marriage, knowing he has a child that he has never seen?

If everybody was only happy to be married to somebody who had never done anything that was morally wrong then we'd all be single.

OP I don't know why it was not addressed at the time but it does need to be addressed now, good luck working it out - I hope it goes OK.

Neverknowing · 05/08/2017 20:15

I don't think you need to tell your DD the circumstances, If she's an only child I'd imagine she'd be quite excited to know she has a sister.
Personally I'd be allowing your DH and DD to see the child though. I think it's incredibly sad and tbh there will be a day when he will meet her as she'll be old enough to do it herself. It may as well be now and it'll be easier for you if it's on your terms ! Good luck, sounds a hard situation.

Maryz · 05/08/2017 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeenAndTween · 05/08/2017 20:40

I agree about not explicitly mentioning the word 'sibling' or 'sister' but rather that Dad has another child.

Panda81 · 05/08/2017 21:36

I agree with PP about telling DD now in an age appropriate way. I've had IVF with donor sperm and had to have a compulsory counselling session and the strong advice and studies show that being open and honest as early as possible (age appropriate of course) has very little damaging effect compared to waiting until the are teens/adults. They also encourage the donors to also be open with their own families and children about their donations.

Any kind of 'family secret' that isn't told until the child is much older can have devastating emotional impact, the childhood they grew up in was always a lie from the people they are meant to trust implicitly the most, how do they ever get over that?

I honestly believe the longer you leave it the worse the impact it would have on your DD. Jeez I'm 35 and if I found out now that my father had a secret other child I'd be devastated!! It's the lies and deceit that harm children/teens the most, not the actual situation.

Heartofglass12345 · 05/08/2017 22:04

I have been there, my dad got my mum pregnant, left her and had 2 kids with someone else and then she took him back. I knew who they were - they were in the year/ 2 years below me in the same school as me. They didnt know who i was and it fucked me up i have to be honest. I wouldnt tell her if he has no intention of having anything to do with his other child.

stella23 · 05/08/2017 22:26

You have to tell her, children are really accepting, we had to tell ds about blended families ( I know it's different) he didn't bat an eyelid. Just take a deep breath

mumontherun14 · 05/08/2017 22:26

I don't think it would be too late for him to try and make some kind of contact with the other child and to try and build some kind of relationship. Children at this age are quite accepting and it might be better to do it now than to wait in years to come. He might be burying his head in the sand but he has a responsibility to both the children,

mrsnolasco · 06/08/2017 00:05

Is your DH sure of paternity OP? If not i would be reluctant to mention anything to DD.

SpareASquare · 06/08/2017 07:39

If more people (SpareASquare post above mine is a great example) simply thought "don't be a complete knob" before posting then MN would be a better place.

What a crock. The OP chooses to be with a man who abandoned his child. Cool, her decision and she's very happy.
Sugarcoating who he is and pretending that it will have zero effect on the OPs child serves no purpose, especially when she is asking a question relating to her child.
Parents who abandon their children send a very specific message to those children and those who condone it are just as bad. I'd tell her now tbh before she is old enough to truly understand what that means to the other child.

SplatController · 06/08/2017 10:16

Great story @SpareASquare

See the image? Highlight it > Ctrl + P > Enter > stick it on your mirror

People will like you more and you'll probably enjoy life more.

Brew
Thoughts please
justilou1 · 06/08/2017 11:13

So it's the mother who has decided on non-contact? You must be very curious about what this kid is being told about you and your family. Perhaps you could speak to a social worker about it. They would have a lot of experience dealing with all the possible angles of conflict that may/probably will occur if you reinstate contact. (Pretty sure you are not naive enough to think it will be instant Happy Families) I think though, that if your husband is paying maintenance and there is no court-ordered reason for lack of contact, then he is entitled to have some time with his kid. Work out between you two what you want from this, write a list of pros and cons that will affect things like your relationship, your relationships with your daughter, future expenditure (accommodation/food/possible counseling/dealing with having the mother back in your lives/feelings arising from that, etc...) If you want this child involved in your life, you will also need to be involved in his/hers. I suspect it would be easier to start contact now than later after many more years of possible toxic conditioning by the mother (especially when normal teenage hormones come out to play.)
Good luck!!!

SpareASquare · 06/08/2017 13:10

LOL, back at ya Splat.

Which part of the story do take issue with?

The father abandoned his child?
That's not in dispute, surely? Does that not show just 'who' he is?

That the OPs child will be affected by this situation? As will the other child. Of course they will be. To pretend otherwise is foolish.

Not really sure what part bothers you so much Confused

I admit to being curious as to who's idea it was to not bother with the first child. Not that it matters, what's done is done. He had another quick enough to distract from the first. Hopefully the siblings enjoy that closeness in age down the track

llangennith · 06/08/2017 13:15

Haven't RTFT but unless the birth is common knowledge locally I certainly wouldn't tell her until you really need to. She'll be fascinated and keep wanting to talk about her half-sister and ask questions to which you have no answers. i.e. what does she look like, does Daddy see her, can I see her etc.