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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thoughts please

119 replies

Sorryaboutthetopic · 04/08/2017 23:24

My husband had an affair nine years ago.
He has a child of eight that he has never met.
We have a child who is seven.
We are still together.
What do I do?

Sorry for the Haiku, he pays child support but I have no idea what to tell my daughter. She has always been daddy's princess and it would hurt her so much to find out.

Bring it on....I just want to do the right thing by my daughter and I really don't know what that is.
TIA.

OP posts:
splatController · 05/08/2017 08:08

CherryChasingDotMuncher

I do splat but I don't understand why paying for a child goes in his favour?

Because it's a good thing to do. Not paying would go against him. No one is applauding him for paying. I don't think anyone's dedended him. Just a few of us feel sorry for the OP and are tired of the nasty tone of many posts and posters.

He should pay for the child to produced

He should and is. A moot point.

You don't get brownie points for not being a complete nob

Why not? If more people (SpareASquare post above mine is a great example) simply thought "don't be a complete knob" before posting then MN would be a better place. Wheaton's Law.

I don't know if people behave like this because they get all ballsy with anonymity or if they forget that it's a real person in a difficult position asking for help and not just words on a screen.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 08:08

WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT THE OP WAS SUPPORTIVE OF HER HUSBAND'S DECISION NOT TO SEE HIS FIRST CHILD?

She went back to him and has stayed with him for 9 years. What part of that isnt supportive?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 08:09

Because it's a good thing to do

It's really not, it's the expected thing to do.

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 08:10

We don't even know it was his decision, it might've been the mother's.

Ah yes if a mother says 'no you cant see the child' then the man has to accept it. Its not like legal routes or mediation exist.

The OP has supported it because she is still with him. If she wants to forgive an affair, thats entirely her decision. But i couldnt remain married to a man who ignored his child. Staying with him and kiving my life with him, would be supoorting his decision.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 08:12

You don't get brownie points for not being a complete nob

Why not?

Ok, I don't abuse my children, or starve them, please may I have a medal?

If I made a person who was complicit in a child being abandoned then their father feel a bit bad about it I can't say I'm going to feel guilty. Especially when they were so arsey when responses didn't go their way. I think the OP has had some good advice and answers here regardless

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 08:13

Its not a good things.

Its really the basic. The absolute basic.

Its like expecting praise for turning up to work. You dont do anything when there and shit at it when you do. But at least you actually turn up.

RhubardGin · 05/08/2017 08:22

Sorry OP but I'm a little unclear on what you're actually asking advice for.

Help in how to tell your DD or whether or not to tell her at all?

What does your DH think you should do?

Be prepared for some difficult questions from your DD if/when she finds out, questions that won't be too dissimilar from what posters have asked you on here.

Personally I think you and your DH should tell her. Better that then her half sibling tracking her down through FB in a few years. Can you imagine how she would feel?

splatController · 05/08/2017 08:22

CherryChasingDotMuncher

Just because something is expected, doesn't mean it isn't good. When I spoke about 'expected behaviour and standards' last term, I was talking about good behaviour.

So, you don't feel guilty about making a woman having a tough time feel bad. I'm glad you cleared that up.

Are you as ridiculous in real life?

medal

Maryz · 05/08/2017 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 08:34

Its a legal obligation. Not a choice or behaviour.

PidgeonSpray · 05/08/2017 08:36

I don't understand the question. What is it exactly you want advice on?

Does husband want to meet other kid? And you're worried your daughter will be upset?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 08:40

When I spoke about 'expected behaviour and standards' last term, I was talking about good behaviour

Sorry, miss, please don't give me detention

So, you don't feel guilty about making a woman having a tough time feel bad

She's been part of making sure that a child goes without their father because it doesn't suit her and her DH's lifestyle. I don't feel bad for pointing out that I don't agree with this. Also, as a PP mentioned, her DD will only say similar things or ask similar questions when she finds out. If she can't handle it from anonymous people on the internet then she won't have much luck IRL.

I find it utterly depressing that estranged fathers paying for children, but not ever seeing them, is seen as something good. That may be ridiculous to you

Opheliahh · 05/08/2017 08:42

Haikus are 5,7,5 syllables in each line.#

That is not a haiku. Thankfully.

PopcornNRedwine · 05/08/2017 08:43

In regards to the OP.
If the children are going to meet anytime soon, then your child needs to know ASAP.

If they are unlikely to meet soon (the children), then I would wait a few years.
Sounds silly but IMO there's no point in upsetting everyone right now. Your child will have lots of questions for you.

Original poster
Sorryaboutthetopic · 05/08/2017 09:54

I have not been ignoring or not engaging - I went to bed after too much wine.

Thanks Splat for your support - I know you are not me!

I posted on here because I don't really even know what I am asking. The decision to not see the child was not mine or my DH. The mother is impossible to deal with and when this happened I was fully supportive of DH seeing the child. As time has gone on it just gets harder and he is now a stranger who would blow their world apart if he went down the legal route for access. He is not a bad man and I know it hurts him.

I don't want to hurt my daughter or have her hate us in years to come but I also can't see there being a good outcome whatever we do

My brother is not my dads biological son and he (we) didn't find out until he was in his twenties and he was devastated so I am am fully aware of the problems secrecy brings but I also don't want to stir up trouble.

Thank you all for your advice. I think there needs to be some serious conversation in my house.

OP posts:
SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 09:59

He should have gone down the legal route years ago. He could have.

However you spin it. Its been easier to not fight for his other child.

Chances are that your dd will be upset. If you tell her now or later. Even if she takes it well now, when she is older she may start wondering how he could do it. How this child must feel, maybe feel guilty, be angry etc.

Plus you may get an angry 18 year old turn up on your doorstep wanting to know why they meant nothing to your husband.

I would tell her in an age appropriate way now. Its better than it being a family secret. How she feels about it, is something you cant control.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 11:16

Sorryaboutthetopic
Why has this only come up now?

If he's not going for access, it seems cruel to tell DD she has a sibling she can't meet or know. That there's a child Daddy didn't push to meet. If I was 8 I'd wonder if Daddy might decide he didn't want to see me eve again.

Does OW and DC live close by?

Original poster
Sorryaboutthetopic · 05/08/2017 13:23

No not close by but she knows where we are and where we work.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 05/08/2017 13:43

Honestly I think you have a small window here to do the right thing and push for access. There is the potential for massive fall out from this and the only way to limit it imo is to sort this all out as soon as possible.

I can't say I'd have made the same decision as you to stay with a man who had cheated and got someone else pregnant but I certainly wouldn't be with someone who didn't fight their absolute hardest to see their child. An absent father, even when there is a 'difficult' mother, is not an attractive thing.

Original poster
Sorryaboutthetopic · 05/08/2017 13:51

Do you not think it is too late at 8? I honestly would support it if I could be sure it was the best thing but I just have a horrible feeling it would be toxic for everyone. The mother would go mental I think.

OP posts:
lemony7 · 05/08/2017 13:57

Wow this thread is nasty!

Do you have a picture of the other child? I would sit DD down and explain that before she was born daddy had a baby with another lady. This is

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 13:58

I think it's probably a good time before she gets too old and is in the "I hate everyone" teenage stage where she may react far worse. However as I said before I think you should only tell her if you plan for them to meet, otherwise it's just cruel to say "you have a brother/sister but they won't be in your life".

The mum can go mad all she likes, your DH as a father still has rights if he wants to exercise them. Can I ask why she's so against you all being involved in her DC's life? Does she have a OH, are they a father figure to the child (which would perhaps explain her reluctance)?

Urubu · 05/08/2017 14:04

Not sure why you are getting such harsh responses OP, you are not responsible for what you DH did 9y ago...
I would tell your DD better for her to find out from you.

TeenAndTween · 05/08/2017 14:33

Only skimmed the thread.

I think you should somehow find a way to tell your DD sooner rather than later. She is just about young enough still to accept it rather than start loads of moral judgements if you position it right. I think you really should not wait until she is eg a teen as then in the way of teens (who know everything yet are insecure) it could blow a hole in your family. Really it would have been best to bring her up 'knowing' but that's water under the bridge.

So, how to say. I'd go for something like this:

Before Dad and I had you, he had a child with another lady . Sadly we don't see X as the lady and Dad fell out.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 17:07

So when was tube last tine DH spoke to OM? besides seeding a SO. I get that at the time things were acrimonious but has he spoke to get recently about access? Does she call someone else Daddy etc?