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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that either way I will be letting one of my DC down?

102 replies

CherrySour · 04/08/2017 20:52

I have two DD's aged 8 & 6.

We suspect the eldest may have ASD, she's got some MH issues and really struggles to make friends. However, she has two good friends on our street, a pair of sisters aged 7 & 4. I'm really pleased that she has at least these friendships and I have done my best to encourage this, they are at our house a lot and I have taken them on several day trips with us.

However, they don't seem to get along with my youngest. I think dd1 instigates a lot of this as she doesn't like her sister much but over the last few months, I would say it's descended into bullying territory. They appear to enjoy excluding dd2 from their games and she is apparently not allowed in their house. As they spend more time at our house than dd1 spends at theirs, this was happening a lot. It got to the point that dd2 was in tears every time they came over. I would stipulate that they were nice to her as a minimum or they would have to go home, at times this duties but more often than not, I would eventually have to send them home. Sometimes, if DD has something they want, like sweets, they will be nice to her until they run out (poor dd2 is very generous with her things and I think she also gives them things so they will like her).

But then last week, both my DDs went over to their house to play. DD2 came home a short while later in tears and I couldn't get her to tell me what was wrong. Eventually she told me that all three girls had been hitting her in their bedroom and the mother hadn't done anything about it/didn't realise what was going on. Dd2 is very sensitive and didn't want to tell me as she thought it might make them dislike her more. I feel absolutely gutted for her - it must have been quite frightening and upsetting being trapped in a stranger house being hit by three other girls one of them her own sister!

I don't know the mother well to talk to her about it. I've now said these girls are not welcome in my house. The thing is, I don't know whether to put an end to dd1's friendship with them as then she will have nobody (dd2 has other friends on the street). It is dd1's birthday soon and these girls are the only ones invited to her birthday trip. I'm obviously dealing with DD1 over this behaviour but i can't exactly exclude my own DD from our home, whereas I can with these girls and so far, my telling them off hasn't stopped the unkind behaviour.

How would you handle this situation? I feel like either way I'm letting one of my DDs down.

OP posts:
BadPolicy · 04/08/2017 20:58

I would stop the sisters coming over unless you are able to supervise them ALL of the time, then there is no chance of any nastiness.

Trb17 · 04/08/2017 20:58

I would only allow DD1 to go to their house (if at all). I would not allow them in your home and tbh I would be tempted to think that no friends I'd better than nasty friends.

Your poor DD2! If DD1 has issues or not, that is absolutely no reason to excuse horrid behaviour like this and you must protect DD2 from it.

Genghi · 04/08/2017 21:00

They are your elder daughter's friends. Why on earth are you sending your younger daughter too? Just send DD1. At your house ensure your younger daughter is either occupied with her own seperate activities or is on her own play date. Being sisters doesn't mean they should share friends.

HareTodayDragonTomorrow · 04/08/2017 21:02

Ban them for a month and give another chance? Let them see you're serious.
Can you invite a friend of Dd2's to the birthday trip? Or arrange for her to go to a friend's instead? Or just cancel the birthday trip.

MyCalmX · 04/08/2017 21:05

You knew they didn't like dd2 and you sent her over, why??

They don't go to dd1 birthday and dd1 does not have a party after what she did to her sister. Dd1 needs to understand that this can't happen to dd2. I know she has issues but you'll end up giving dd2 issues.

Crunchymum · 04/08/2017 21:05

How old are your children?

7 and 4 is a bit of age gap isn't it? In terms of them both being only DD1's friend?

NataliaOsipova · 04/08/2017 21:10

Being sisters doesn't mean they should share friends.

No, it doesn't. But it does mean that they share a home and therefore that visitors to that home are courteous and kind to all who live there....at a minimum.

I have girls of a similar age. Kids who behaved like that towards either one of them wouldn't be welcomed back into my house.

littletwofeet · 04/08/2017 21:12

I wouldn't want to encourage your DD1 to be friends with kids who are this nasty. Trapping someone in a room and hitting them is just awful behaviour, why would you want DD1 to be friends with people like this.

I understand it's difficult if DD1 has ASD but I agree with pp who said no friends is better than nasty friends.

If your DD1 has ASD then you may want to be more careful than normal with who she socialises with, especially if these are her only friends. You don't want her modelling this behaviour. Also, I would be wary of them turning on your DD1 in the future, especially if she has MH issues.

Are there any groups near you for other DC with ASD, they have them in some areas and siblings are often welcome. Your DD1 may find it easier to make friends there.

Original poster
CherrySour · 04/08/2017 21:13

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately my house is tiny and they generally want to play upstairs in the bedroom. My DDs share a room so if these girls are round (most of the day usually) then dd2 has nowhere to play. Her friend on the street is away for the whole holidays and is often out with her parents so then dd2 is left with nobody to play with.

I've now banned them from my house which I feel is the right thing to do. I just don't know whether I should also stop my DD1 from playing with them knowing I will be severing her only friendships. I could possibly send dd2 off somewhere else during DD's birthday outing but she's really looking forward to it (it's only the cinema to watch the emoji movie and somewhere to eat after).

OP posts:
LunaMay · 04/08/2017 21:18

How has dd1 reacted to the punishment of hitting and treating her sister like that? The other girls wouldn't be allowed back in my house even if it was dd1 as the ringleader, every one should feel happy and safe in their home.

NataliaOsipova · 04/08/2017 21:18

I could possibly send dd2 off somewhere else during DD's birthday outing but she's really looking forward to it

No - she hasn't done anything wrong and she is there by right, as part of the family. I'm a bit deranged hardline about this sort of thing but, ultimately, a relationship with a sister is forever. You need to have DD2's back....and encourage DD1 to understand that she and her sister should look out for each other.

I can understand your dilemma about DD1 having these friends, but they sound like pretty awful friends for her to have. Maybe better not to have any at all than to have ones who seem to get some sort of kick out of tormenting another little girl?

Original poster
CherrySour · 04/08/2017 21:19

Sorry, X-posted.

I didn't actually send dd2 over, they invited her. There's a narrow road between the houses that all the local kids play on so they're usually in and out all day (with instructions to check in with me every so often) so i hadn't realised immediately where she was. As I said, sometimes they are nice to her but there's usually a motive.

I agree it's ridiculous they they can't all get on as they're very similar ages. I think the 4 yo is just copying the older two. I do think a lot of it is instigated by DD1 but I have told them over and over that they minimally have to be kind to dd2 but it just isn't happening.

OP posts:
HareTodayDragonTomorrow · 04/08/2017 21:20

You don't want her modelling this behaviour Who said it was the other children who started it little? OP has already said DD1 is nasty to DD2.

It's hard. But you can't punish DD2 for DD1 and her friends picking on her (I'm imagining the 4 year old is just doing what the older ones are). So you ban them from playing upstairs, they can only play where you can see them. You don't take DD2's play space away from her and you certainly don't let children who are so mean to her into her bedroom.

Then cancel the trip for the friends, just take DD1&2 to the cinema.

NataliaOsipova · 04/08/2017 21:26

I do think a lot of it is instigated by DD1 but I have told them over and over that they minimally have to be kind to dd2 but it just isn't happening.

In that case, I think it's cut and dried. I'd say the only way you're letting anyone down is not to put a firm stop to it.

Allthewaves · 04/08/2017 21:30

If there at yours you have to stay in the room and supervise. I'd be probably trying more activity led things with them. Playing board game all together, or you keep dd2 downstairs and do activities with her.

I have to supervise my 4 yr old when we have people over for play dates with his brothers 6 and 8. He cant do the nuisances of their games, they don't have the patience to explain and include him so end ups with him in tears or strop and older ones complaining they have spoiled their game.

I will often take 4 year old while others play and do things with him instead

BeepBeepMOVE · 04/08/2017 21:34

Get dd2 to get her own friends.

Can imagine if DD1 doesn't like her sister and has to spend all home time with her that she is not happy with dd2 tagging along when she's playing with friends.

Onlythehorses · 04/08/2017 21:36

I understand it is difficult but it sounds like the bullies are using your eldest

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/08/2017 21:38

Hard though it is, you have to take the ASD out of the situation. If these friends were one of a lot of friends, what would you do? Remember too that our desire for children with ASD to have friends doesn't always match our children's experience of what friendship is. These aren't great role models, they're encouraging her to behave badly to her sister - whatever validation or friendship you think dd1 is getting isn't worth that. Better no friends than bad friends, especially for children who struggle with social clues.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 04/08/2017 21:38

Tell the girls they and DD1 have been very unkind to DD2 and so you're not allowing any of the fitos to play together for a fortnight.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 04/08/2017 21:39

Your DD also hit DD2. She should have protected her

Urubu · 04/08/2017 21:40

Was your DD1 actually punished for trapping her younger sister in a room and hitting her with others??
DD2 shouldn't miss out in the outing because of DD1's actions. I would make this friendship stop anyway, at least for one good month.

GussianPolly · 04/08/2017 21:40

The hitting is outrageous.

I'd be dealing appropriately with dd1 and get advice on how to tackle this bullying behaviour from someone who is knowledgeable about ASD.

Because if your dd joined in the hitting she is actively bullying her ds.

I am quite upset at this post tbh.

You need to speak to your neighbour and tell her about the hitting. Also I find it weird that both sisters play with your dd1.

There is no chance I would invite these girls to a day out if they had beaten up my other child, none in hell.

Support your dd2, teach your dd1 how not to bully her sister.

Frankly I'd cut all contact after something like this and I am veeeeeeeeeeery patient and usually give a second, third and fourth chance.

OP, a line was crossed. Sounds sinister.

NataliaOsipova · 04/08/2017 21:40

These aren't great role models, they're encouraging her to behave badly to her sister - whatever validation or friendship you think dd1 is getting isn't worth that. Better no friends than bad friends, especially for children who struggle with social clues.

I think that's really well said, Lonny.

Urubu · 04/08/2017 21:41

Can imagine if DD1 doesn't like her sister and has to spend all home time with her that she is not happy with dd2 tagging along when she's playing with friends
So it ok to hit her Confused
Victim blaming much...

littletwofeet · 04/08/2017 21:45

HareTodayDragonTomorrow yes you're right. Maybe modelling was the wrong word but I still wouldn't want DD1 to be around kids who also did this type of behaviour. It's encouraging/normalising it.

Far better for her to have nicer friends who are also nice to DD2 so this is what she sees/hopefully copies, especially if she struggles with DD2 anyway. Friends can have a big influence on how children behave. I know it's not as easy though as just finding nicer friends, especially if she has ASD.

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