Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is 'D'H

125 replies

leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 21:48

My 'D' H is doing my head in.

We've just got in to a masssive row and I need some perspective.

I'm 5m pregnant. I work 4 days a week and then do different work from home on my 'day off'. I earn the same as what I always have (when I used to work 5 days), but my job is so relaxed and amazing that I often finish early and have days off. (Doesn't affect my pay). My colleagues are amazing and it's like working with friends.

I had to leave my last job and fortunately found this 4 days job. They could only afford to take me on 4 days. Everyone works part time. I thought at the time I would get overtime, but it's not happened. Doesn't really matter as I've found the extra job. I also took this job because we were TTC and I knew they would be supportive and flexible

DH hates it! He says I'm not ambitious and that I should never have taken it. That it's a doss and I'm home too much. He then starts saying that I should leave it to get a five day a week job (although it means I would earn the exact same anyway Confused) He won't say it but essentially he's jealous that I have a job that allows wonderful work life balance and that I love. He hates it and brings it up in arguments. He can't articulate what difference it makes to his life. It doesn't affect him financially at all.

He says he's not going to pool our finances together (all salaries in to one pot) because he doesn't think it's fair (he earns about £200 a month more than me and thinks I don't work as hard as him so shouldn't have access) At the minute we each pay the exact same amount in to a joint account and he wants to keep it like that - fuck knows how that's meant to work once a baby comes.

I have never wanted his bloody money or asked for it. We split everything down the middle.

AIBU to want to kick his head in for criticising me and acting like I'm a lazy cow just because I'm happy???

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 03/08/2017 21:51

Why are you with him?

HooplaLoopla1 · 03/08/2017 21:51

So he's rather you was in a job where you're not as happy so it fits his idea of what he wants you to do? Bollocks to that!

Soubriquet · 03/08/2017 21:51

Yes he's being massively unreasonable and sounds very jealous

He should also be putting more towards the bills as he earns more!

If he's this bad now, what's he going to be like when you're on maternity leave and home with the baby all day?

giantpurplepeopleeater · 03/08/2017 21:51

Do you really, honestly want to maintain a long term relationship with this man? Because this sounds awful, childish and controlling. I'd not want to

Mysteriouscurle · 03/08/2017 21:52

What will happen when you are on mat leave and not earning? I think id be looking for an exit plan.

Ropsleybunny · 03/08/2017 21:53

YANBU, he sounds like a spoiled child. In your shoes I'd feel the same and I'd be very worried about your future together as a family.

Mysteriouscurle · 03/08/2017 21:53

And by only working 4 days youll be saving money on childcare anyway. Is he seriously suggesting you work more days for what will be effectively less income?

Crunchymum · 03/08/2017 21:54

What a nasty, bitter cunt your husband is.

How are your finances going to work when you are on maternity leave?

SonicBoomBoom · 03/08/2017 21:55

It actually sounds like he doesn't like you Confused

What a pathetic man.

ohfourfoxache · 03/08/2017 21:56

Run. He will not support you in any way once baby arrives

early30smum · 03/08/2017 21:56

YANBU he sounds awful.

WhataHexIgotinto · 03/08/2017 21:57

Fucks sake. I'm rarely speechless but what the actual fuck???

AlpacaLipsNow · 03/08/2017 22:00

He's a dick and I see trouble ahead.

Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:00

Thank you everyone! I don't think he does like me very much at the moment. I think he's jealous and bitter. Yes, he would like me to have a job working 5 days even if it was for the exact same money - which it would be. It drives him crazy getting up and working on my day off.
I am worried about maternity leave. He says little indicative things such as today (which caused the argument). We were talking about how we can save money when the baby comes. I said we'll save by cancelling the dog walker. He, without even thinking, said "well you'll be walking him every day won't you". Not "we'll" - you. He obviously thinks I'm going on some sort of extended lazy holiday.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 03/08/2017 22:00

Where do all these wankers come from?

MumsOnCrack · 03/08/2017 22:00

That sounds awful - have you asked him what his actual problem is? Sorry but he sounds like a dick.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 03/08/2017 22:01

What are his good points? Your DH does not sound like the type of man who is capable of putting your first. And once your baby comes I fear you are going to realise this over and over. Think hard, OP.

CockacidalManiac · 03/08/2017 22:01

He'll get worse once kids are involved. If there's one thing I've learnt from Mumsnet, it's that.

UnicornSparkles1 · 03/08/2017 22:03

He sounds jealous and childish. I hope he bucks up his ideas before the baby arrives.

Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:03

He's always said he'd never pay more towards the bills because he works harder. Whatever. I've never asked him to pay more, he just likes to THINK that I want him to pay more. He loves the hen-pecked hard done to role

OP posts:
MotherOfBeagles · 03/08/2017 22:04

Sounds like your me but flipped. I'm also 5 months pregnant and earn about 2000 less than my dh. We also have a joint account for food bills and general day to day stuff.

However big difference is my dh is happy for me to follow a career I enjoy even if it means me earning less. He's very ambitious and has massive earning potential, but his job will require long hours and travel and for me to pick up the slack at home. I support him by doing that.

In terms of what we pay we pay a proportion of our wage. Not the case but say our all our bills added up were £1000 a month, he earns three times what I earn so he'd pay two thirds and I pay one third. The rest of our wages are our money. Not in that he spends his on him and I spend mine on me but it's ours to spend on baby stuff or going out etc.

Not saying it's perfect and with the stress of baby on the way we've had a few arguments to find the balance. But that's the key in the end is balance.

I think you really need to sit down with your partner with pen and paper, wages and and budgets and figure this out and if he still insists on behaving like he is you need to ask yourself some serious questions about your future.

Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:05

When we're good, we're great. But when we argue he's vicious and shows his true feelings I think. He's obviously jealous of my relaxed job so when we argue he amplifies it and throws it at me as an example of my laziness.

OP posts:
giantpurplepeopleeater · 03/08/2017 22:07

This will only get worse once the baby is here.

ChicRock · 03/08/2017 22:07

Have your baby then get back to work asap.

Ensure he's paying half of the childcare bill and taking half the responsibility of drop-offs, pick ups, time off when child is sick, etc.

Do not ever ever leave yourself financially reliant in any way on this bitter, jealous and outright nasty little man.

And don't have any more children with him either.

AlpacaLipsNow · 03/08/2017 22:08

He'll be fuck all help with the baby I'll bet.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.