Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is 'D'H

125 replies

leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 21:48

My 'D' H is doing my head in.

We've just got in to a masssive row and I need some perspective.

I'm 5m pregnant. I work 4 days a week and then do different work from home on my 'day off'. I earn the same as what I always have (when I used to work 5 days), but my job is so relaxed and amazing that I often finish early and have days off. (Doesn't affect my pay). My colleagues are amazing and it's like working with friends.

I had to leave my last job and fortunately found this 4 days job. They could only afford to take me on 4 days. Everyone works part time. I thought at the time I would get overtime, but it's not happened. Doesn't really matter as I've found the extra job. I also took this job because we were TTC and I knew they would be supportive and flexible

DH hates it! He says I'm not ambitious and that I should never have taken it. That it's a doss and I'm home too much. He then starts saying that I should leave it to get a five day a week job (although it means I would earn the exact same anyway Confused) He won't say it but essentially he's jealous that I have a job that allows wonderful work life balance and that I love. He hates it and brings it up in arguments. He can't articulate what difference it makes to his life. It doesn't affect him financially at all.

He says he's not going to pool our finances together (all salaries in to one pot) because he doesn't think it's fair (he earns about £200 a month more than me and thinks I don't work as hard as him so shouldn't have access) At the minute we each pay the exact same amount in to a joint account and he wants to keep it like that - fuck knows how that's meant to work once a baby comes.

I have never wanted his bloody money or asked for it. We split everything down the middle.

AIBU to want to kick his head in for criticising me and acting like I'm a lazy cow just because I'm happy???

OP posts:
Paleninteresting · 03/08/2017 22:32

I'm confused, how does he know that you work less than him or that you are lazy?
I believe work is about output or achieving what you are paid for as opposed to hours spent doing it?
Putting aside hours how are you sure he doesn't spend time at work drinking coffee and fannying about?

Apart from being unpleasant, he seems to have an odd perspective of work. Will he be satisfied if you are returning home too exhausted to talk or be with him?

eddielizzard · 03/08/2017 22:33

how sad. that he can't be happy for you. it doesn't sound good.

generallyabitgrumpy · 03/08/2017 22:33

If he's this awful now, what's he going to be like when the baby is here? Will he help with night feeds? How will you cope on maternity pay if he will only go 50:50?

He's being quite childish really.

And it's not like I don't understand. Pre-kids I was in a stressful job, doing crazy long weeks and earning twice what my DH did in his nice calm 9-5 job (that he hates). We both kept £x from our salaries as an allowance and all the rest went into the joint account. I did occasionally ask for permission to keep an extra sum for a specific purchase that I would have struggled to save for with my "allowance" (a replacement iphone and a new winter coat I remember) and have offered for him to keep extra sums for certain things.

But the way I saw it we are/were a team and particularly once we started thinking about kids, it's all about working for the team. If he could have a job that makes him happier doing less hours for the same money I'd be over the moon. (Albeit I guess when I was doing the mad hours maybe slightly jealous!)

I don't understand why, if it doesn't directly impact you in another way (e.g. Financially), your spouse being happier wouldn't be a great thing.

PickAChew · 03/08/2017 22:34

He's a fucking nasty little idiot.

Iluvthe80s · 03/08/2017 22:34

He doesn't sound pleasant at all

Flossy1978 · 03/08/2017 22:34

Leave now. Sure as shit if you spend years with thid man and with children, if you then choose to leave, he will take you for everything you've got. Your sanity included, not just money. He'll go for full custody just to not pay you CS. Instead to make you pay him.

Who cares if when it is good it is great? This shit side of him is fucking awful. What an utter arsehole. A leopard never changes its spots. Just remember that when you think he is so great

Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:35

palin he goes off hours. In fairness, he does work harder if you look at hours. I work hard and achieve great results, but the work climate is much more chilled out than his. We'll happily leave early on Fridays for example whereas his boss would never allow hay

OP posts:
generallyabitgrumpy · 03/08/2017 22:37

Keeping people clockwatching isn't always a good way to get results, but that's not down to him it's down to his employer, and also the type of work he does. It's one thing to clock off a couple of hours early if you work in marketing or something. It doesn't quite work like that if you're a nurse!

Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:39

Right thanks so much for the advice ladies. I'm off to bed and will have a good think

OP posts:
jenm87 · 03/08/2017 22:40

my partner paid everything off his wage alone when i wasnt working! never once complained, also paid for daughters clubs etc. will your DH say you pay everything baby needs as you gave birth not him?? i started a new job weeks ago, managed to put small amount of money away which im hoping to save enough for the deposit for a holiday for the 3 of us i am only contracted to 10 hours which isnt much but means i am earning something rather than sit at home, tell your DH he cant have it both ways you either stay home and earn nothing while he pays everything or you work at the place he hates, oh and tell him to stop trying to control you! if your DH is not want to cancel the dog walker tell him you will get rid of the dog (not saying actually do that though) or he can walk the dog, does he expect you to do it when you are 9 months pregnant?

ShoesHaveSouls · 03/08/2017 22:40

Yeah, he'll def be one of them that says you're sat on your arse all day, looking after a baby. No doubt. Like you're at a spa day, while he's been working.

My dh was a bit like this when my first baby was born (but had none of the financial red flags yours has - we always shared money) - he needed to be 'educated'.

Education came, for him, in the form of an emergency hospital stay for me when I was pregnant with our second. When left, without warning or prep, with ds1, for 3 days- oh, then he knew how much I did in the day!! He never moaned or accused me of sitting coffee again. I actually think this should be mandatory for all new fathers.....

TatterdemalionAspie · 03/08/2017 22:43

Why on earth did you decide to have a child with this man?? Confused

ShoesHaveSouls · 03/08/2017 22:44

Sitting drinking coffee...

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 03/08/2017 22:45

YANBU. When this baby comes, the baby, dog and house will all be fully your responsibility because the big important man works and the little woman sits on her arse all day doing nothing. He will throw his work in your face at every opportunity. He is a twat!

MadgeMak · 03/08/2017 22:46

Christ, you've chosen the wrong man to have a child with. He'm probably make you go cap in hand begging him for money and make you justify every penny you spend once you're on maternity leave.

Paleninteresting · 03/08/2017 22:52

If you were able to get a different job which would pay substantially more money he may have a point. But you say that is not the case.
Good on you for achieving a good work life balance and he should look to sorting his own unhappiness with his job rather than spreading the unhappiness about.

He is making you and your work life a reason to wallow by focusing upon micro details. He needs to take care of his own business. The financial split is petty, none of this puts him in a great light. He should review the situation in the mirror and stop focusing upon your situation.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 03/08/2017 22:52

I would find this very worrying. He doesn't want the best for you!

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 03/08/2017 22:57

Even if you could earn more doing another job, it's perfectly reasonable to prioritise a good work life balance, a friendly workplace, a nice boss, happiness.

He sounds very jealous! How boring for you

AntiHop · 03/08/2017 23:00

So sorry op.

My dp works from home. He's really happy and I'm happy that he's happy. I earn more than him and work in a more stressful job. He would have earned more if he'd carried on in his previous career but he would have been miserable.

millsbynight · 03/08/2017 23:02

OP, if you are equals in every respect is he also willing to take shared parental leave so you can go back to work earlier or for a few days here and there to ease your way back in and also giving him alone time with a newborn?

Make sure he knows it's 50/50 on everything going forward: the night feeds, nappy changes, the childcare/nursery fees, the leaving work to look after poorly child days, cleaning up sick/poo in the middle of the night, cooking, bath times, cleaning, dog walking, the school/childminder run, food shopping etc.

He'll have no idea what's hit him when baby comes!

chocatoo · 03/08/2017 23:10

Stop telling him how great and easy your job is! Lay it on with a trowel about how hard you work to achieve great results. Make him appreciate your efforts!
You need to have a conversation about finances whilst you are on mat leave.

Moanyoldcow · 03/08/2017 23:16

You husband is awful.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/08/2017 23:16

Meanness when you have to sacrifice much of your career to have HIS child is just, well, mean! Get some counselling and start taking care of yourself as number one. Bolster yourself up. My Ex was like this, I ended up in debt being off on maternity leave - how did I let myself do that?! He wasn't in debt. I was back in work but dropped hours. Don't get yourself into that way financially, start your own savings account, don't tell him, build up a nest egg as if he doesn't change you'll need it.

Moanyoldcow · 03/08/2017 23:16

Your - fucking autocorrect

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/08/2017 23:17

I would leave, or get him to.

He's got a horrible, nasty, attitude. He's self centered & selfish & he's tight. None of those will improve once you have the baby, they'll just be magnified.

As a couple having a new born baby can be hard, having one your own is even harder, but having one with a selfish prick is the hardest.

Get out now, getbyourself sorted & settled and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy & your new born delight. Go the proper channels & get the small amount of money he's legally required to pay.

I'm sorry you're in this potion, but if you address it now, you will be in a much better position by the time your baby arrives.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.