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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is 'D'H

125 replies

leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 21:48

My 'D' H is doing my head in.

We've just got in to a masssive row and I need some perspective.

I'm 5m pregnant. I work 4 days a week and then do different work from home on my 'day off'. I earn the same as what I always have (when I used to work 5 days), but my job is so relaxed and amazing that I often finish early and have days off. (Doesn't affect my pay). My colleagues are amazing and it's like working with friends.

I had to leave my last job and fortunately found this 4 days job. They could only afford to take me on 4 days. Everyone works part time. I thought at the time I would get overtime, but it's not happened. Doesn't really matter as I've found the extra job. I also took this job because we were TTC and I knew they would be supportive and flexible

DH hates it! He says I'm not ambitious and that I should never have taken it. That it's a doss and I'm home too much. He then starts saying that I should leave it to get a five day a week job (although it means I would earn the exact same anyway Confused) He won't say it but essentially he's jealous that I have a job that allows wonderful work life balance and that I love. He hates it and brings it up in arguments. He can't articulate what difference it makes to his life. It doesn't affect him financially at all.

He says he's not going to pool our finances together (all salaries in to one pot) because he doesn't think it's fair (he earns about £200 a month more than me and thinks I don't work as hard as him so shouldn't have access) At the minute we each pay the exact same amount in to a joint account and he wants to keep it like that - fuck knows how that's meant to work once a baby comes.

I have never wanted his bloody money or asked for it. We split everything down the middle.

AIBU to want to kick his head in for criticising me and acting like I'm a lazy cow just because I'm happy???

OP posts:
Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:08

motherofbeagles thanks that's helpful. He's not happy for me. All he cares about is everything being exactly equal. He thinks he works harder than me so would never consider paying his extra income to a joint account. again - not that I've ever asked him to!

OP posts:
Custardo · 03/08/2017 22:08

you should both put the same PROPORTIONATELY into an account / paying for a meal etc

hes a dick for being jealous - i dont have a solution for being a dick
if he doesn't like his job tell him to shut the fuck up and do something about it and stop being a moany bitch

number1wang · 03/08/2017 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ceto · 03/08/2017 22:10

He has worked out, hasn't he, that it is utterly pointless to push you to take a 5 day a week job right now and lose all your maternity rights? In fact, can he identify any employer likely to be keen on giving a long term job to someone who is 5 months pregnant?

LaurieFairyCake · 03/08/2017 22:10

He's envious. This is very unattractive.

If you weren't pregnant I'd say dump him.

Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:10

custardo that's pretty much exactly what I said! His dislike of his own job is for him. I've told him to look elsewhere. He would LOVE a job like mine and certainly wouldn't be leaving it for extra hours on the same pay!

OP posts:
Newtothis2017 · 03/08/2017 22:10

I am really sorry to say this but he sounds awful. When I was pregnant with my 2nd dc my dh earned 3 times what I did. When I went on maternity leave and since then my dh pays for everything. You deserve better 💐

SpringTown46 · 03/08/2017 22:11

In what way is he good husband and father material? Keep your own income and independence. He is failing you already.

peachgreen · 03/08/2017 22:11

Crikey. I was so delighted when my DH found a job with shorter hours / more rewarding work, even though it meant a paycut. It was so nice having my husband back!

Your DH sounds very unhappy and he's taking it out on you. Has he always been like this? If so I think I'd run a mile.

BewareOfDragons · 03/08/2017 22:12

I'm sorry you're having a child with this man. What a nightmare ... he should be delighted that you have a good life /work balance and are still earning what you would otherwise be earning if you were working 5 full days a week at a different job! You two have a baby on the way, and all he cares about is himself ... this doesn't bode well for long term partnership support.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/08/2017 22:13

In a good marriage you're happy for each other. Want the best for each other. Wish for your partners personal happiness.

And you're their biggest supporter.

Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:16

laurie I couldn't put it better myself

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 03/08/2017 22:19

If he is so concerned with equality, I hope he has a plan for ensuing you'd pension contributions are equal whilst you're on mat leave.

Goodasgoldilox · 03/08/2017 22:20

The happiest marriages are where each partner tries to make things best for the other. If you try it the other way around it all gets very petty and you'll both be unhappy.

MotherOfBeagles · 03/08/2017 22:20

I really hope you get sorted but seriously listen to other posters. You need to keep your financial independence if nothing else but for a what if situation. I really hope it works out well for you all but I'd be seriously worried in your position!

Being happy or unhappy in a job is down to the person and if he's unhappy that's his problem. My dh has had jobs he's hated and has come home and been off with me, he gets an hour or so to chill and then gets told to stop being a dick and taking it out on me. He sulks for ten minutes then apologises lol.

You're a partnership, that doesn't mean both of you have to do the exact same it means you help each other and support each other to achieve your personal and family goals. One doesn't deserve more than the other. I think it's bloody hard to do that but that's what you should be both working towards and at the very least should have respect for each other.

Anyway! I really hope he sorts himself out, but at the very least get some financial plans for mat leave/childcare etc down on paper then you know where you stand for the next big step in your lives.

Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:23

Ah you're all so wise and helpful! Thank you

OP posts:
ShoesHaveSouls · 03/08/2017 22:23

You're already pregnant, so it's a bit late for an easy LTB (although you still could).

I would absolutely make sure from day one of baby that he understands it's 50-50. Half the funds, half the care is provided by him. Keep your job(s). Your job sounds fab, and he sounds sour and jealous. What a twat, basically!

You may find you're better off on your own. Wait and see what he's like when your child is born. It'll be abundantly clear what sort of father/ life partner he'll make, almost immediately. The you can make your decision - but from now on, plan your finances well, get your ducks in a row, and try to lay the foundation of your relationship once the baby comes. His reaction to that will probably tell you what you need to know.

Riversleep · 03/08/2017 22:25

Does he expect you to pay in the same amount while you are on maternity leave? Who does he think will be paying for baby things/childcare when you go back to work? Has he always been like this or is it just since you got pregnant?

IHateUncleJamie · 03/08/2017 22:25

My jaw is on the floor, OP. If my DH had a job he loved and it gave him a day at home too, I'd be delighted for him. As he would for me, because we actually LIKE each other. Deep down, it sounds as if your husband doesn't actually like you, let alone respect you and your choices. No offence, but he sounds vile AND miserly.

As other pps have said, what's he going to do when you're on mat. leave?

WRT the dog, why can't he walk it? What if you have to have a c-section? What if baby's had a bad night? You are not going to be able to walk the dog every day.

Bloody hell. 😳

pictish · 03/08/2017 22:25

You know the saying...misery loves company.
He's being a total wanker.

Fishface77 · 03/08/2017 22:26

Gosh he's a right nasty cunt!
And I don't say that lightly!
Wants you to work longer hours for same money.
Is/will be financially abusive.
Price up child care and tell him work have offered you another day. Tell him you salary will match his.
Make a list of all the jobs in the house from cleaning the plughole to hoovering under the beds to walking the dog.
Price up childcare, tell him he'll have to pay half.
Scare the fuck out of him then tell him to fuck of.

There's a saying I've read on mumsnet, when someone shows you who they are LISTEN.
He is showing you that he is a "husbenemy".
He's supposed to be on your side but he's really not.
He will get worse when you have the baby.
RUN RUN RUN

MumsOnCrack · 03/08/2017 22:27

I think you need a proper chat where you explain that if you do have a baby you may be earning nothing?! Does he understand that?! At all?

MumsOnCrack · 03/08/2017 22:28

@fishface77 husbenemy love it!

Original poster
leighdinglady · 03/08/2017 22:29

Once the baby comes he'll have to put all his money in one account. I think that's why he's feeling so put out!

I do wish he could just be happy for me. He's jealous natured in general. He'll say things like "how's he earning more than me" about other people. His life clearly just isn't good enough

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 03/08/2017 22:31

Oh dear. This will only get worse when your baby is born as he will be jealous of it and you being "sat on your arse" all day. Good luck X

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